Don't understand her..

[Well]

there can be two things happening:

a) She does not want you anymore and is doing her best to avoid and shoo you away (and by you being mad, she seems to have accomplish her goal)

b) She for some reason thinks that you need to pamper and be the one pushing this.

[notintheface]

He what? Has problems calling?? Why call when they're not in a relationship?

How the hell did you arrive at that conclusion?

The OP said when he doesn't talk to her in a week she gets upset. Honestly if you're into this girl it shouldn't be a burdain to call her once a week.
What do you mean by, why call if they're not in a relationship? You don't have to be in a relationship to call someone.

[Deleted]

In your shoes, i'd play the game.
Tell her that you stopped a little with the communication because you're falling for her too fast.
And that she is not wanting a relationship, so you're just protecting your feelings.
Unless she doesn't "show" as well feelings and willing to move forward, then you're trying desperate to stay away, because every time you come closer it looks like your heart is going to come out of your chest!

[Deleted]

She's just trying to keep you on a leash. She's probably not all that interested but tries to keep YOU around and interested so she can fall back to you when needed. If she was actually interested she would just call/text/whatever because she'd actually have the urge to tell you about how her day/week went and such.

[neccowafer]

What? I'm not calling my fiance 5 times a bloody day. That's the initial point of a relationship, and quite frankly that's not a big deal.

After a year that goes away. After 4 years I can confirm that it will never happen again.

This is true if you shared little in common in the first place. I still spend basically all day on skype with my SO after about 2 years, and we fall asleep on skype every night. We spend the day gaming together, watching movies, following some webshows that we both like, or just chatting about random stuff, usually sciences or philosophy, or just "you know what I noticed today?" sorts of things. After 4 years it'll never happen again because I sure hope we'll be living together and there will be no reason to need to call him. When we're together in person we basically do the same thing.

You just don't have that much to talk to with the average person. But if the other person is basically just you but with the opposite equipment, you'll probably have a lot to talk about, forever.

I mean, I may not do 5 calls that are an hour each, but our current one is 13:50:35 (almost 14 hours) and I'm currently listening to him breathing while he's asleep. D'aww.



Anyways this girl probably is used to having someone ignore her and is just trying to make sure you're not going to do it? Why? It's not one bad relationship, it's probably most relationships. The guy becomes significantly less interested after a while. So does the girl, usually. Most of my break-ups have been that slow sort of petering out, rather than any explosions. I do make sure that whoever I'm with WANTS to spend a lot of time with me. See where I said "wants" and not "is willing?" That's because I don't want someone who just likes me enough to deal with it, I want someone who actually wants the same amount of contact as I do. Which means tons of talking, sex until we're exhausted multiple times a day, and constant body contact when in each others' presence. And I want to game, for hours. Sit around in our underwear and play SC2 or run some dungeons on WoW, or just pull out (insert console) and do (insert things). Those are the things I have discovered over time that I wants.

But you need to look at what this girl wants in a relationship. She is probably holding back a little bit to see if you're serious. If what she wants is drastically different than what you want it is probably not going to work. Would you prefer a relationship where checking in once a week is.. okay? If so, then you probably want someone else because we all have different levels of contact needed.

If I didn't hear from my boyfriend for a week I'd assume he was dead because he always runs home the second he's off work and calls me and we stay on the phone until we both wake up the next morning. Of course I'd have frantically called him after he disappeared for about 3 hours unaccounted for.

But as a sidenote, I don't even usually go a week without talking to any of my closer friends, so I think honestly that after a full week of not hearing from you after a date, I would assume you're one of "those guys" that says he'll call but never does, and just be glad I didn't sleep with you, because you probably have herpes from doing the same thing to like 200 other girls.

People learn about what they want from bad relationships. If she was with someone where she felt like she was always less important than everything else, she's discovered that she doesn't want that, and really seems to be just "checking" to make sure that's not the case because she is not prepared to stay with someone ELSE long-term if they are not going to satisfy her needs.

[Deleted]

You'll never understand women. The moment you think you do, they'll think up some new ass backward way of twisting things around and expect you to read their minds and act accordingly.

This reminds me about an old joke, and pardon me if this has already been posted here, as I am too lazy to read this any further before this comment: There once was a man who could understand women perfectly. So sad he died of laughter.

[Aeluron Lightsong]

This reminds me about an old joke, and pardon me if this has already been posted here, as I am too lazy to read this any further before this comment: There once was a man who could understand women perfectly. So sad he died of laughter.

LOL, harsh man.


Honestly, you should ask if she is serious about this relationship, if she's evasive or says no well you have your answer. Hopefully she will be serious.

[crylo]

This is true if you shared little in common in the first place. I still spend basically all day on skype with my SO after about 2 years, and we fall asleep on skype every night. We spend the day gaming together, watching movies, following some webshows that we both like, or just chatting about random stuff, usually sciences or philosophy, or just "you know what I noticed today?" sorts of things. After 4 years it'll never happen again because I sure hope we'll be living together and there will be no reason to need to call him. When we're together in person we basically do the same thing.

You just don't have that much to talk to with the average person. But if the other person is basically just you but with the opposite equipment, you'll probably have a lot to talk about, forever.

I mean, I may not do 5 calls that are an hour each, but our current one is 13:50:35 (almost 14 hours) and I'm currently listening to him breathing while he's asleep. D'aww.

But to say that one is in love because of talking a lot is presumptuous and naive. It's not "true if you shared little in common in the first place" and you should not speak like you know such things, that only proves further that you have a lot to learn in that area. Many people have their reasons for not being able to constantly talk with their lover, like responsibility, however that doesn't mean they don't love each other or have a lot of things in common by any means.

Take this to heart: everybody's relationship is different, as with their form of love, and to even hint at their form of love being inferior to yours is an insult in every way. My lover and I do talk quite a bit, but often we don't even need to speak anymore to understand each other.. does that mean we don't love each other, not speaking to understand each other? No. Speaking is only one display of love, and there's millions of ways to do so, which work for different couples.

PS: Sorry to be critical on the matter, but I felt like you were talking down on people without even knowing or understanding them.

[Myrrar]

I highlighted the points that make me jump to this assumption: She's not worth it.

She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

Edit: Why is it that every woman I know or have heard of has just gotten out of a "bad relationship"? And is now messing with some guys head?

This, move on. Anyone who goes on about a broken relationship isn't ready for another one, they just want someone to make them feel better about themselves. She hasn't moved on, time for you to.

"wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple" I'd run, fast.

[gneugen]

You have to step back and ask yourself why you have all these expectations of her. Why do you expect her to call you? Are you making a reach for this relationship to work better than it might be destined to? Are you attracted for the wrong reasons? What's the cause of your desire to get into a relationship? It seems like you don't really know why you want what you want. It also seems like you are each expecting two different things from seeing someone (she might not be as serious about starting a new, serious relationship). Don't try to force things like this especially if you're unsure why you're so interested. It sounds like you are in the getting to know someone phase still and need to establish what your communication would be like as friends before you begin to think about what it would be like in a relationship.

[Synstir]

I think she is insecure at the moment, that's all. She had a bad relationship that ended not too long ago. I think she doesn't have the security with you yet. In this case, if you really like her, you need to give her that security and that will take more than average effort because of her past.

In my opinion if she really feels loved and wanted, she will pick up the phone and call you also. At this point she will feel as if she is disturbing you in some way, that's why she will not call; in her mind it could have a negative consequence on your feelings about her.

Well you have some work cut out for you, the question is do you think she is worth the effort or do you want to leave it her as she is?
It is up to you.

[I think it was too early for you guys to meet as she is still dealing with emotions of her past experience]

---------- Post added 2012-04-10 at 05:18 PM ----------

This, move on. Anyone who goes on about a broken relationship isn't ready for another one, they just want someone to make them feel better about themselves. She hasn't moved on, time for you to.

"wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple" I'd run, fast.

Well moving on is the easy choice here. I think you might it a thought how much you really like her. You never know what happiness you're missing when you move on.

[D_K_night]

There's only one thing you need to know. This is a story which will not make me popular. But once again it bears repeating. I remember years ago(2006?), in World of Warcraft guild chat, one poor fella was struggling with his breakup. He tried to analyze everything, what went wrong, how could this happen, why me, what could I have done differently, the whole nine yards. He enlisted multiple members in helping him analyze what she said here, what she said following that, and even analyzing the analysis in an almost never-ending loop of detective work, trying to figure out...what more that...they could figure out. It was inception at least 5 levels down.

It boiled down to her saying "I don't want a bf right now", which left him knee-deep in emotional processing and simply stuck.

I come in and say this little gem:

"No, she does want a BF. Just not you".

BOOM. Immediately I was deluged with angry tells, guild members petitioning the GM for my gkick, the community in an instant uproar, and I was hero to zero in a millisecond(this was a social guild). How could I be so callous, how dare I say such a terrible thing to a young impressionable lad.

But if people just took a step back and really look at the situation and simplified it down to the bare bones. Not be sidetracked by fancy language, or excuses.

[Seegtease]

There's 2 things that jump out here.

First, if you want to have a relationship with someone, I'd say 1-2 times a week isn't enough for communication. Further, I can't blame her for thinking you're disinterested after one week of not trying to talk to her.

That being said, it's not all your job. If she's not making an effort, I'd say she's the one who is disinterested, and not really worth the hassle.

[Judge Malthred]

Here are some things I have found to be true that may apply to your situation:

There is no right or perfect time, pretending that there is really only means they are stalling. She is interested in someone else and is waiting to see if they are interested back before she commits to you.

Requiring contact be made by you all the time is immature and selfish. She doesn't want to have to answer to you but you HAVE to answer to her? Don't get involved with someone like this.

When someone equates not hearing from you on a regular basis to you not being interested anymore they are a drama queen and wholly insecure with themselves.

Do yourself a favor and dodge that mine field.

[FathomFear]

Women, cant live with them, cant live without them.

Welcome to life and the world of relationships.

I'm gay so have never had to deal with women on a romantic level, but I think one of the problems is that they are very much cultured to regard themselves as "the prize" or "that which is sought after". So it leads to a dynamic where they expect straight guys to come to them and do all the work in the initial stages of a relationship.

I think you'll see this dynamic slowly become less and less common though.

[crabmousse]

if that's the amount of drama she's bringing in you from being on a couple of dates and communicating once or twice a week: get rid. get rid so fast. in all honesty it sounds like she's keeping you on the backburner because she can't decide whether or not she likes you. even if you're nuts about her, if you begin a relationship in a position of weakness you've set a dangerous precendent, you're going to having to spend your entire time clawing your way back into an equal position

[Deleted]

After 15 years you want to hang up as fast as possible.

I kid, I kid!

You might be joking but it doesn't change the fact it's the truth

[gneugen]

"No, she does want a BF. Just not you"

It's the truth sometimes. If she's not acting how you would want your partner to act, regardless of any other circumstance, you can't really force that or ask someone to do that for you unless you're a glutton for punishment. Serial monogamists tend to think they can train their partners to treat them a certain way but typically they are ignoring core issues in how they interact. That ignorance eventually leads to the downfall. Even marriage is 50% slated to fail here in the states. Casual relationships are much worse off.

[AdriWar]

1-2 times a week? No one is that busy, if they care they will make time for someone no matter how busy they are.

Sounds like an empty relationship if she wont communicate face to face and talk things out.

[Deleted]

In the perfect world would you talk to your GF once a day, if you dont live with her.

Give her a call before going to bed/evening.

The more time you're spending with her/Talking to her the more boring will the relationship become.

You need some days away from eachother, so you'll actually miss the other part.