Kids that arent yours.

[Thefatness]

So, I married my wife about 6 months ago. We were dating for roughly 2 years before we got married. She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads. Both of whom are giant douche bags. Who don't pay child support, nor do they ever see their kids. Anyways, lately I have been finding myself enormously annoyed, frustrated and just pissed off because of how much they just plain don't listen, and how much they disrespect not only me, but their mother as well. Not to mention all the lying, the manipulation etc.

Do any of you have kids that aren't actually yours? How do you feel about the whole situation on a day to day basis? I find it harder and harder to tolerate them each day. Especially when they constantly break the same rules that they are disciplined for breaking every single day. Then they say they know, they just didnt want to listen. I mean, am I a bad person for being so angry all the time now because of how much these kids drain me?

Surely I shouldn't be bringing this to forums like these to find answers, however, I have no where else to go. My wife isn't going to be able to handle a conversation like this, as she is oblivious to how much crap they pull because they are her "babies". I feel guilty because of how much I have to "yell" at them for breaking every single rule we have. I just don't know if I can stay mentally in tact with this constant disregard for authority all the time.

[Vokal]

So, I married my wife about 6 months ago. We were dating for roughly 2 years before we got married. She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads. Both of whom are giant douche bags. Who don't pay child support, nor do they ever see their kids. Anyways, lately I have been finding myself enormously annoyed, frustrated and just pissed off because of how much they just plain don't listen, and how much they disrespect not only me, but their mother as well. Not to mention all the lying, the manipulation etc.

Do any of you have kids that aren't actually yours? How do you feel about the whole situation on a day to day basis? I find it harder and harder to tolerate them each day. Especially when they constantly break the same rules that they are disciplined for breaking every single day. Then they say they know, they just didnt want to listen. I mean, am I a bad person for being so angry all the time now because of how much these kids drain me?

Surely I shouldn't be bringing this to forums like these to find answers, however, I have no where else to go. My wife isn't going to be able to handle a conversation like this, as she is oblivious to how much crap they pull because they are her "babies". I feel guilty because of how much I have to "yell" at them for breaking every single rule we have. I just don't know if I can stay mentally in tact with this constant disregard for authority all the time.

I would personally get out of that relationship if you think you see yourself having a life with someone else...

Raising kids, yours or anyone else's, is no joke.

And you wanna be sure of what you're getting yourself into before you have kids...and with this deal you dont have a say in the matter...

I mean these aren't even your kids...why should you have to put up with the financial and emotional burden. You need to evaluate whether this woman and this relationship is really worth it if these are your feelings.

[IRunSoFarAway]

Did you not experience how the kids acts and how she goes about it? Considering you say you were dating her for 2 years...I don't see how this is anyone else's fault, you knew what you were getting into when you married her.

It would be like someone saying, I'm dating this person, but her kids she has with another person spit in my face on a daily basis, but I decided to marry her and continue to get spit on.

I think it's time for you to move on.

[sxefluff]

As someone who grew up seeing a lot of families like this, especially my aunt's family, and someone who grew up the exact opposite, I know what to tell you.

I respect my step parents, always have. Actually, my step mom was a bitch to me when I grew up. Still kind of is. But I was taught to respect her from my father. He listened to me, but he never defended me. He always sided with her, even if she was pretty cruel for the sake of being cruel. I'd say 75% of the shit she did could have been handled nicer, and 15% of that 75% was her being a total and utter bitch. Things like giving us 30 minute "talks" about cleaning our glasses in the morning. Of course she would start the "talk" while our favorite tv show was on, if we didn't pay attention for those 30 minutes she would have something to actually yell about. And of course, when she saw the show was over, she would leave. Doesn't that seem unusual bitchy for a grown woman? We were like, 9 at the time too. But as much as I hated her when I grew up, I never talked back. I never did because my father disapproved of that behavior.

Let's talk about my aunt. She believes in the same "They're my babies" bullshit. My cousin's walk all over her, they walk all over my uncle (he's stepfather to one of the cousins), and he can't do anything because she believes her "babies" can't do anything wrong. Now, I'm not trying to talk shit here, but my aunt deals with her 1) always messy/filthy house 2) always smelly house/son 3) yelling/bratty daughter 4) tons of unpaid bills 5) a rottweiler they never bothered to train so he tears everything apart and 6) day to day responsibilities.. This is a lady who can't handle responsibility. This is a lady who has no respect for herself. This is a lady who argues about who ate the last cookie, I am not joking. She needs to grow the fuck up. She needs to act like an adult.

So here's what I'm thinking. You're wife is probably not a bitch like my stepmom, and she's probably not a complete and utter child like my aunt. I bet she's somewhere in the middle, and she just needs to be strengthened. You're her husband, and maybe I'm giving you too much credit cuz I know absolutely nothing about you, but I'm fairly certain you married her because you guys share some sort of values. So here's my suggestion. You're wife needs to 1) Talk to the kids 2) start yelling and laying down law, idk if you believe in spanking or punishment or w/e but that may be an answer depending on how bad the kids are, and 3) she needs to back you up. She can't defend the kids. If they fucked up, they fucked up, and both of you need to tell them who the authority is and what power you have. That's what I got bro, you shouldn't have to be angry cuz of kids. I wouldn't, won't, and never have dealt with that shit since I started babysitting at 13. This really has nothing to do with you, as much as it has to do with the parent who has jurisdiction (in this case its the wife, since they're her actual kids), so she needs to start taking away video games and saying "My husband is right!", yada yada yada.

[Deleted]

Now it might help if you mentioned the age of the kids. It makes a difference if they are 3-7-11 or 16.
Also, you married the woman and probably lived with her before that. Did the kids change, did she, or was you just blind to the situation or changed yourself ?

It seems like you are pretty angry and kinda want out or want to kids out so you can have her for yourself. You mention that they "aint even your kids". But her and the kids are a packetdeal, which you kinda knew.
You being so angry and feed up isnt good for anybody in the situation, and it might end badly if it go on. At the same time I am thinking, you kinda knew about the kids and made a commitment to her and the kids when you married her. The whole "for better or worse part". Maybe if you consider getting out after only 6 months, you should had thought more before making the commitment, or did something happen after that changed the whole situation, and not just "I'm feed up with the kids..".

Maybe I am a bit harch, but I have had 2 stepdads myself, none I would recommend. One of them I still hate 20 years after he wasent with my mother anymore and I still remember his treatment of me.
The second I got when I was 14 and I only lived home 1½ year after that.
If your anger are going turn you into the arse my mother was with first, I would say get the hell out for the kids sake. Noone deserve that, and the kids can't choose to get out of the situation.
Be a adult and get out if you can't treat them right. Respect is something you earn by the way you yourself treat others, not something you are automatic entitled to.

[Catta]

My sister is not my dads kid but he has taken care of her all of my life anyway.
You need to talk to the wife and tell her that you should be able to raise the kids and punish them if you have to as long as you live in the same house.

[Cirque]

You're banned, so I don't know if you can see this reply at all. I hope you can, cause, you're turning into that terrible stepdad from the fairy tales.

Fact remains, you're the one at fault. I'm sorry to say. If the kids are "disrespecting" you, there's a reason. If they don't want to listen, there's a reason. If they constantly break rules, there's a reason. And likely, you're the reason. Respect is earned, not enforced, especially from kids that aren't your own. You can't step in there, and expect them to just accept, respect and obey you.

I'm no specialist, but by the sound of it you have to start from scratch with them. Drop enforcing rules and boundaries in such an angry way. Sit down with them, talk with them. Let them get to know you as person they want to have as stepdad, not as the third douchebag that their previous (step)dads were. Honestly, considering those kids' history, I'm not surprised they seem to have issues with "dads" and authority in general. Do you? So prove yourself first to them, your good sides - you're not there to make their life miserable. That should be the first and foremost goal you have with these kids.

It's going to be rough - especially if you can't talk to your wife. I don't even know how anyone can sustain a relationship where you can't talk with your partner. But you should, really. These are her kids, and you're making her kids miserable, and they are making you miserable. Discuss with her why they act like they do. Remember they're NOT "being wrong" and do not focus on that: instead focus on the underlying reason. Say you worry and you think they may not be dealing with you as another new dad too well, and how she thinks you guys could improve that.

Honestly, if you can't improve this situation very fast, it'll detoriate beyond repair. You'll become an asshole of a dad, the one people will say "I wonder why his wife didn't leave him" in 20 years, if your relationship doesn't break down under the strain beforehand. This is harsh, but from what I hear in your post, it is the truth. Stop underestimating their feelings - there's a REASON for it and likely that reason is you.

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

You're banned, so I don't know if you can see this reply at all. I hope you can, cause, you're turning into that terrible stepdad from the fairy tales.

Fact remains, you're the one at fault. I'm sorry to say. If the kids are "disrespecting" you, there's a reason. If they don't want to listen, there's a reason. If they constantly break rules, there's a reason. And likely, you're the reason. Respect is earned, not enforced, especially from kids that aren't your own. You can't step in there, and expect them to just accept, respect and obey you.

I'm no specialist, but by the sound of it you have to start from scratch with them. Drop enforcing rules and boundaries in such an angry way. Sit down with them, talk with them. Let them get to know you as person they want to have as stepdad, not as the third douchebag that their previous (step)dads were. Honestly, considering those kids' history, I'm not surprised they seem to have issues with "dads" and authority in general. Do you? So prove yourself first to them, your good sides - you're not there to make their life miserable. That should be the first and foremost goal you have with these kids.

It's going to be rough - especially if you can't talk to your wife. I don't even know how anyone can sustain a relationship where you can't talk with your partner. But you should, really. These are her kids, and you're making her kids miserable, and they are making you miserable. Discuss with her why they act like they do. Remember they're NOT "being wrong" and do not focus on that: instead focus on the underlying reason. Say you worry and you think they may not be dealing with you as another new dad too well, and how she thinks you guys could improve that.

Honestly, if you can't improve this situation very fast, it'll detoriate beyond repair. You'll become an asshole of a dad, the one people will say "I wonder why his wife didn't leave him" in 20 years, if your relationship doesn't break down under the strain beforehand. This is harsh, but from what I hear in your post, it is the truth. Stop underestimating their feelings - there's a REASON for it and likely that reason is you.

He can see your post and has posted an appeal to his ban.

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

You knew you were getting someone else's dumb kids when you signed up.

[Lysah]

How old are they? Manipulation and disobedience are pretty typical of children, of all ages, to be honest. Can I be the first person who's advice is that you don't need advice? Take a parenting class if you need to, but raising kids is going to be stressful and it's going to take years off your life. You should've known what you were signing up for with your relationship.

[Digglett]

If you are dating someone with kids, you kind of take on the role of daddy, you knew what you were getting into. Now that said, if you don't like being a dad, then leave, simple as that.

If the kids are young, it's fairly standard for them to lie, and act out. Hell, even when they aren't young they do this shit.

[Skippy88]

I haven't been in your situation but I would first talk to your wife first. Identify the issues and come up with a united stance on solving them. Don't forget the issue may not even be with you personally but with how their dads are currently treating them. Just try to be there for them and offer as much support as you can. It's not an easy hill to climb and it will take a long time.

[Chirri]

If the wife's not going to back you up, or won't tolerate privately discussing the kids with you, that's something that needs to be worked on if you plan to remain in a relationship with her without things turning very ugly.

To people berating him for having dated her for 2 years before marrying, and telling him he should have known - I say BS. Nevermind step-children, thousands of marriages without kids involved don't last more than a few years. There's an odd psychology that goes along with legal marriage, and if the couple didn't reside together prior to tying the knot, that right there is another bundle of surprises and stresses on a relationship. Add to that suddenly living with a pair of young, incomplete humans that you weren't stuck in near constant contact with and have no serious prior emotional attachment to who are responding to a new situation in a rebellious manner, and it's going to be a lot harder than ANYone who's not already a parent can begin to really imagine.

If there's no support from their mother, things are going to be waaay harder for OP. Knowing the age of the kids would help with offering suggestions, but this sounds more like an issue with the wife with the kids being the catalyst and most obvious symptom of another problem entirely.

Not all step-children are monsters, not all step-children are angels. They're little people given way more leeway than adults are, making them much harder to get a handle on. OP's rage at the kids isn't healthy, but neither is instantly assuming all of the blame lays on him, nor does it improve his ability to deal with the situation a single iota.

[calculating]

you accepted the conditions because you have been with her for 2 years and then married her!
If it really bothers you though then you separate from her and no be miserable for the rest of your life

[Samoflange]

I'd say it's best for you to convince your wife about the both of you getting some professional family counselling on how to deal with this situation because clearly you guys aren't using the right approaches to get the kind of behaviors you're expecting from the children. It may or may not be your fault depending on how they were raised prior to you stepping into their lives, which is something you really need to speak to your wife and counselor about.

Don't try and justify not speaking to your wife about the problem, communication is KEY to a good long-term relationship and solving problems. Just keep your attitude and tone in check, because it seems you've been penting up a lot of anger due to your frustrations and that's the last thing you want to add to the problem.

[shortnugly]

Well maybe you can still see this. I have 4 kids, 2 with my wife and 2 from my wife's previous marriage. I have the luxury of the sperm donor not being in the picture as he doesn't pay child support and has no visitation rights.

I had the luxury of raising the kids as my own with my wife (since 11 months and 3 to 15 and 17). Even so, my wife would not tolerate one of her kids disrespecting an adult that should be shown respect, and let me catch one of them doing that. Parenting fail...

[Tradewind]

I used to worry about the kids that weren't mine. All the time, just whining and wanting me to do things for them, like feed them and let them go potty. Everytime it's like "I wanna see my Mommy!" and I try to tell them that their Mother's a whore and that she doesn't love them. But they don't listen, it's just blah blah blah blah. I can't ever get them to stop, so then I start putting more water into the tank they're in until they do.

but they never do stop....

even when they're quiet.





they don't...

[N-7]

You were dating for 2 whole years, that should have given you an idea of how the kids behave and an opportunity to "GET OUT". If anyone to blame here it is YOU and none else.

[frogger237]

Really gotta know the kids ages and how bad are the rules they are breaking to really help out. If they are like 5 and not eating their veggies then its ur fault and you shouldn't be freaking out so much over it, if they are 15 and freebasing meth in your living room then its the kids and mothers fault and if you love her get them help otherwise get out.

[Jaxsz]

So, I married my wife about 6 months ago. We were dating for roughly 2 years before we got married. She has 2 kids, with 2 separate dads. Both of whom are giant douche bags..

Huge red flag, looks like you learned your lesson for marrying that one.