How to not sound unromanticly when being responsible having sex ?

[Purlina]

I never had to tell any women that I was putting on a condom. Your worrying about something that is not going to happen...

[Raphtheone]

Exactly, that's why I'm concerned about HOW and WHEN I bring it up.

Any tips in that regard, guys and girls ?

I've always been outspoken as a person. I always speak my mind. This makes things like this easier, since it won't really surprise them. I'm on the same page as you are on this, I don't have unprotected sex unless I know it's safe. Trust on this level require year(s) of knowing someone, you're otherwise litterally sticking your penis into the unknown. Usually having kids comes up. You know, how many, what values they should get, names, etc, and this is imo the last shot you have at sidetracking into the getting tested together thread.

If you want to bring it up earlier, sexual history is something that usually comes up if both are comfortable discussing something like that. If not, strong values and believes usually comes before. This should be a great time to lay down your Golden Rules of Sex, that you never stop using a rubber until you've verified that your sexual partner is free of STD's, since you feel that you owe the future mother of your children at least that much. Or something like that, so she doesn't feel you single her out, since chicks don't dig that. They can also respect that you "wait" for Ms. Right, since if she's really into you, she'll secretly think she might be the one you've been waiting for, and honor your wishes on that alone.

There are many roads you can take, but it's mostly important that you suit it to who you are as a person. Direct, indirect, spontaneous, who and what are you? If you're a very moral person, present it as a strong value you have. If you're new to this, and she knows it, you tell her that ("I'm new to these sorts of talks, so I don't really know how to bring something like this up, but I've always felt that safe sex is important... [bla bla etc, you get the point] ... "). If you're a 2 meter viking, you look her square in the face and tell her, period. I think you get the point.

Honestly, I don't think there's a perfect time to bring up sensitive topics. But there are good ones, and they're all created; none of which you wait for.

[TequilaFlavor]

I never had to tell any women that I was putting on a condom. Your worrying about something that is not going to happen...

Not in the beginning, of course, but down the line, I would like to have sex with her without using a condom for months on end - and most women seem to prefer the feeling/covenience aswell - not to talk about the cost of constantly having to buy condoms.

That's why I would like to ask her to get tested together with me.

---------- Post added 2012-12-06 at 03:34 PM ----------

I've always been outspoken as a person. I always speak my mind. This makes things like this easier, since it won't really surprise them. I'm on the same page as you are on this, I don't have unprotected sex unless I know it's safe. Trust on this level require year(s) of knowing someone, you're otherwise litterally sticking your penis into the unknown. Usually having kids comes up. You know, how many, what values they should get, names, etc, and this is imo the last shot you have at sidetracking into the getting tested together thread.

If you want to bring it up earlier, sexual history is something that usually comes up if both are comfortable discussing something like that. If not, strong values and believes usually comes before. This should be a great time to lay down your Golden Rules of Sex, that you never stop using a rubber until you've verified that your sexual partner is free of STD's, since you feel that you owe the future mother of your children at least that much. Or something like that, so she doesn't feel you single her out, since chicks don't dig that. They can also respect that you "wait" for Ms. Right, since if she's really into you, she'll secretly think she might be the one you've been waiting for, and honor your wishes on that alone.

There are many roads you can take, but it's mostly important that you suit it to who you are as a person. Direct, indirect, spontaneous, who and what are you? If you're a very moral person, present it as a strong value you have. If you're new to this, and she knows it, you tell her that ("I'm new to these sorts of talks, so I don't really know how to bring something like this up, but I've always felt that safe sex is important... [bla bla etc, you get the point] ... "). If you're a 2 meter viking, you look her square in the face and tell her, period. I think you get the point.

Honestly, I don't think there's a perfect time to bring up sensitive topics. But there are good ones, and they're all created; none of which you wait for.

Thanks for the good advice !

I was almost certain I worded something incorrectly (English isn't my mother's tongue) as most people went "just use a condom without talking" - and while that certainly is good advice, it was a little of the mark of my original question.

Guess I should have explained it better in the OP.

[poser765]

Don't worry about how it sounds. It's standard practice. If he/she has an issue with it, then you just say why you aren't going to do it without. It's normal and not unromantic at all.

---------- Post added 2012-12-06 at 02:21 PM ----------



Who cares? It's not worth it to potentially get a life-altering disease just because you don't want to come off as un-romantic. I think it's not outside the norm to just say, "I don't have unprotected sex with anyone who I haven't gotten an STD test with. It has nothing to do with you, it's just a rule I have."

I just don't know, man. I see the logic. I really do. I just think I would be kind of hurt if someone I was with told me they wanted to get tested. Of course I've also had not that many sexual partners and I've never really been scared of STDs.

OP maybe go get tested on your own and show her the results. That at least opens the conversation and then maybe casually ask her if she has ever been tested.

[Maelle]

Not in the beginning, of course, but down the line, I would like to have sex with her without using a condom for months on end - and most women seem to prefer the feeling/covenience aswell - not to talk about the cost of constantly having to buy condoms.

That's why I would like to ask her to get tested together with me.

Well you could always introduce it as something *you* were going to get done, and say that maybe you should both get tested to be sure... that way there is no insinuation you think she has a disease... not that she should take it that way to be honest, but if you want to play it safe you could word it as I said to avoid any awkwardness

[Themius]

We live in a world where people are worried coming off as "unromantic" about topics that can change their lives forever if their sex partner has, say, HIV

[TequilaFlavor]

I just don't know, man. I see the logic. I really do. I just think I would be kind of hurt if someone I was with told me they wanted to get tested. Of course I've also had not that many sexual partners and I've never really been scared of STDs.

OP maybe go get tested on your own and show her the results. That at least opens the conversation and then maybe casually ask her if she has ever been tested.

It's less that I'm scared and more like "why risk something for no/little reward ?".

The problem about getting tested alone and showing her the results are three-fold:

1. She might be suprised/shocked if we never talked about STDs before and the results pop out of seemingly nowhere.

2. I got no guarantee that she is going to get herself tested. She might just tell me "I'm healthy" and/or show me her 5 year old test.

3. She might think I sleep around a lot carelessly (aka not good "bf-material") if I seemingly feel the need to get tested.

I still dig, that you came up with the idea, though.

[Spectral]

If you can't discuss STIs with someone, you shouldn't be having sex with them. There are no exceptions to this.

[TequilaFlavor]

We live in a world where people are worried coming off as "unromantic" about topics that can change their lives forever if their sex partner has, say, HIV

To be fair, I think a lot of people - at least where I live - never let themselves get tested for STDs unless they really suspect to have caught one.

They just assume that being serial monogamists with the occasional one-night stand sprinkled in will magically save them from getting STDs.

Again, might be untrue, but I don't know a lot of people who stricly use condoms until tested even in "serious" relationships.

[Purlina]

No form of birth control is 100%, just tell her your being extra careful.

[Polarthief]

Dont bring up condom use, just use them anyway.

^

Also, wait, you're the GUY and YOU'RE concerned about pregnancy/STDs?

My friend, you are a saint.

In all seriousness, if she cares at all about you, she'll understand.

[Ashnazg]

Never trust any woman when she claims she is on birth control, things can always go wrong, so take matters into your own hands *giggles* and use condoms.

Because women are just dying to get pregnant from college kids?

Right

This time, I'm going for more of a spontanious fun-loving girl who can act a little carelessly at times, so I'm more worried about sounding like a timid "spoil-sport" than usually, especially since she might suspect me of seeing her as a "slut" (or something similar) because of asking.

Is this code for saying that she IS a slut? Because if so, then just put on a condom without asking her and plow ahead. When/if you get tired of putting condoms or, or she brings it up as an issue, then you can discuss it. After all, once she is hooked on your dick, she will be a lot more receptive for these kinds of discussions.

If she looks like a normal girl (responsible, someone who cares about her sexual health, etc), and she doesn't insist on a condom, then you can assume she has things handled on her end. Although from your description it doesn't sound like she is that responsible, but I could be wrong.

[Deleted]

It's not really meant to be a romantic discussion. It's not as if you light some candles, lean in close and whisper "you should get your self tested you sexy girl!".

For me it was just something that came up naturally during the course of the relationship, we'd both been in relationships before going out so it was logical that we should get tested to err on the side of caution.

[Spectral]

It's not really meant to be a romantic discussion. It's not as if you light some candles, lean in close and whisper "you should get your self tested you sexy girl!".

For me it was just something that came up naturally during the course of the relationship, we'd both been in relationships before going out so it was logical that we should get tested to err on the side of caution.

Yeah, for my girlfriend and I, we discussed this right after the first time we had sex, at the same time we were laying out ground rules about whether we're seeing other people or whether we were exclusive. Knowing the other person's STI status is a pretty basic thing to establish in a sexual relationship, and I'm skeptical that people who aren't able to talk about it are sufficiently mature to be in relationships.

[Auloria]

Just bring it up like "Hey, we've been going out for a while, what do you think of us both getting tested so we can skip the condoms?" Frame it more like a "Hey I really like you and I want to take the next step in our relationship."

If you go that route, you have no right to her results, so it becomes a trust issue.

[Deleted]

Yeah, for my girlfriend and I, we discussed this right after the first time we had sex, at the same time we were laying out ground rules about whether we're seeing other people or whether we were exclusive. Knowing the other person's STI status is a pretty basic thing to establish in a sexual relationship, and I'm skeptical that people who aren't able to talk about it are sufficiently mature to be in relationships.

It's almost as if people see it as an accusation. I just don't get that mentality, it's just being safe. It's something I would Expect in a mature relationship, sensibility on the important things.

[FathomFear]

Just got into the 2nd date phase of dating a girl (not quite together yet, but probably going there) and I wonder how to break the "not without a rubber until we got tested together" news to her without sounding unromanticly.

In the past, I didn't have this problem because I usually went for very responsible girls who didn't mind that at all (usually went a few days/weeks without sex first so enough time to break it to them) or for short-term stuff where using a condom is normal and accepted.

This time, I'm going for more of a spontanious fun-loving girl who can act a little carelessly at times, so I'm more worried about sounding like a timid "spoil-sport" than usually, especially since she might suspect me of seeing her as a "slut" (or something similar) because of asking.

So, how do you usually break this kind of news (that you want to be responsible) to someone, do you even care about (not) sounding romanticly while doing it ?

Your whole dilemma is extremely baffling to me. Since when is it ever a good idea to get lazy with condom usage? You need to take measures to protect yourself. You can't rely on someone else telling you that they are on the pill, have been tested, etc. Unless you're interested in becoming a statistic.

[Ifeanychukwu]

Just tell her straight up, no reason she shouldn't go along with it... Unless she's got something to hide =3 Honestly don't see what's wrong with wanting to be sure, if she doesn't like that I wouldn't be interested in the first place. Just my opinion

[Jackmoves]

Most women are fine with condoms, I doubt she will complain as long as you don't make a total mess out of it, it doesn't take 10 minutes getting one on so it shouldn't kill the mood. I personally have a quite strong dislike for condoms but I have never been upset when being asked to use one.

You don't have the discussion about going to the clinic to get tested when you are about to have sex though, there are better times for that.

[Deadvolcanoes]

If she is expecting to go bare the first time you guys hook up, you might want to reconsider hooking up with her.