Married, successful. Why do some men risk it all?

[IIamaKing]

has that ever actually worked for anybody ever?
i know this comment is going to be biased coming from my own experiences, but i've never encountered a situation where a woman could be talked into wanting to have sex with her partner more often.

Are you married? I am saying this in the context of marriage. Around year 5 me and my wife and some serious sex talks about each others expectations. Its important to be on the same page.

In a healthy relationship, yes, Talking to one another pretty much ALWAYS works.

[Azadina]

Linadra asked for specific numbers so I complied.

Not specific enough, because apart from my error on pressing extra zero (which didn't actually affect the result, because I didn't even notice it) You then criticized my calculations because I didn't invent random extra parameters out of thin air.

[ls-]

Really? Is that all there is to it?
Does the forum's resident expert @Celista agree?

Well, yeah, you do various things together (communication) and fuck (sex)

[Tennis]

*shrug* You can be in a perfectly happy, long-lasting relationship without getting married - and be just as happy personally.

I doubt it and research and history say otherwise. Marriage is the apex of love.

[Malkiah]

Humans have compulsion to make sure their offspring are of their own genetic heritage. Polygamy and polyamory are diametrically opposite to that goal. It's either rules enforced by the society on who you get to have sex with, or you get to kill offspring that are not yours.

o....k?

see even if that wasn't a stupid and unfounded dichotomous choice (which it is), it's not even true of humans - we're not a species inclined towards disposing of other's offspring.

[Tennis]

Are you married? I am saying this in the context of marriage. Around year 5 me and my wife and some serious sex talks about each others expectations. Its important to be on the same page.

In a healthy relationship, yes, Talking to one another pretty much ALWAYS works.

In year 5? Isn't that a year 1 discussion. How bizarre!

[Spectral]

Are you married? I am saying this in the context of marriage. Around year 5 me and my wife and some serious sex talks about each others expectations. Its important to be on the same page.

In a healthy relationship, yes, Talking to one another pretty much ALWAYS works.

I think the difference between what you and @Malkiah are describing is that he's talking about much shorter relationships where there's just not a compatibility of underlying sex drive (or worse, attraction). In the context of very long relationships or (especially) marriages, these underlying factors are generally pretty decent and a lack of action has more to do with all sorts of factors that aren't a result of lack of interest.

[Malkiah]

It's not about talking them into it, it's identifying problems and solving them first.

how do you solve "over the years my body has changed and i'm just not interested in much sexual activity anymore"?

[Deleted]

I doubt it and research and history say otherwise. Marriage is the apex of love.

So you are saying that people who are in happy 10+ years lasting (ongoing) relationships would be more happy if they'd decide to marry now? How so? What exactly would change?

[Kourvith]

has that ever actually worked for anybody ever?
i know this comment is going to be biased coming from my own experiences, but i've never encountered a situation where a woman could be talked into wanting to have sex with her partner more often.

I'm siding with you on that one. Formalizing a sexual frustration is the best way to turn desire off. Plus, it's not that hard to guess why a woman grows out of desire. Either the man don't take care of himself anymore, either he's not love material anymore. That's where communication is important, but on more subtle stuff than basic needs. Because even those former two reasons do have a deeper explanation.

[Deleted]

how do you solve "over the years my body has changed and i'm just interested in much sexual activity anymore"?

Not every problem has a solution.

[Deleted]

agree with you up to this point, but not after.

the "new trait" that was more towards monogamy is religion, and it cares about monogamy because when you're socially coerced into a situation you're not biologically or mentally or emotionally built for (ie: forced monogamy) you're more likely to be unhappy and fail at things in your life.
when you're unhappy and fail at things in your life, you need religion to make you feel better.
it's all a self-feeding system... the two most fundamentally vital interactions between two biological entities (fucking and killing) are the two things most central to controlling in the coda of every religion in existence, and that is no coincidence.

this is where we disagree. I think the enforcement of monogamy, had benefits to the community making them more succesfull. Else they'd probably be conquered by polygamus communities.

Monagamous relations would have resulted in beter upbringing for the children. It also rewarded man who did the hard labour and fighting, it gave them a reason to be in a shitty enviremont and work hard. In a polygammus community you had a smaller portion of very succesfull man get a lot of woman. I don't think all the man without a woman were as willing to die for their region or work as hard.

I also think the lives were much harsher in that day and they were probably happy with being content and would find the reasons in todays marriages for breaking up insignifficant reasons.

[Tennis]

So you are saying that people who are in happy 10+ years lasting (ongoing) relationships would be more happy if they'd decide to marry now? How so? What exactly would change?

Would you want a job with no benefits? I sure wouldn't. That's what it looks like if you're not married. It can end so easily and you're never sure when he or she is gonna walk out.

[Deleted]

Would you want a job with no benefits? I sure wouldn't. That's what it looks like if you're not married. It can end so easily and you're never sure when he or she is gonna walk out.

How romantic.

[Malkiah]

Are you married?

sweet zombie jesus, no.

I am saying this in the context of marriage. Around year 5 me and my wife and some serious sex talks about each others expectations. Its important to be on the same page.

yeah i had the same thing with a long term partner around year 3 - i wasn't questioning it in the context of whether or not communication is important, it was more an honest curiosity if that's ever actually worked for anyone.

you know how sometimes you just get these recurring themes in your life?
sexual dysfunction (or more specifically, incompatible sexual drives) has been popping up all over in my life the last few years, both with myself and with others that i know. i've never seen it resolved well.

[Malkiah]

Not every problem has a solution.

which is my point. i was responding to someone who said communication can fix any problem.

[Deleted]

Would you want a job with no benefits? I sure wouldn't. That's what it looks like if you're not married. It can end so easily and you're never sure when he or she is gonna walk out.

To quote one of your own posts: "If you had faith in yourself you wouldn't even be worrying about this."

Sure, the relationship could end. But if it's only going on because splitting up is more difficult, then it's hardly a happy relationship. And if it is, it doesn't really matter if you are together with or without being married.

[Malkiah]

Would you want a job with no benefits? I sure wouldn't. That's what it looks like if you're not married. It can end so easily and you're never sure when he or she is gonna walk out.

that makes it so much better, actually.

when you get married and the other person CAN'T walk away, you no longer give a shit about whether you make them happy, because fuck it... they can't leave.
when you're just together because you want to be, you have to always be thinking about what you bring to the table, be aware of your behavior and presentation, and work to ensure you are making them happy and making them want to stay with you.

marriage breeds complacency and resentment if undertaken by people who are not (inexplicably in my view, but to each their own) drawn to it for its own sake.
it may be fine for some people to do if they really want to, but marriage is never necessary, never beneficial, and never a net positive.

[IIamaKing]

In year 5? Isn't that a year 1 discussion. How bizarre!

well years -1-2 or so its "fuck like bunnies" stage then 3 and 4 its kind of slowing down, then you start to wonder "is this how its going to be from here out?" and the talk begins or not. In the not situation you are preparing for disaster. I do not in any way or form condone cheating, however I fully understand how it happens.
Some guys are dogs and you should not be in a relationship with one of them.
What I have seen most though is a sex life in a state of deep atrophy, a relationship where sex is almost a myth. Men need and want sex and they will stray if they do not get it at home. Its not an excuse, there are things you could have done before it got there, but being open like an exposed nerve is scary.

All anecdotal so, grain of sand but I have been married 15 years and my sex life with my wife is the stuff of porno.

[Spectral]

it may be fine for some people to do if they really want to, but marriage is never necessary, never beneficial, and never a net positive.

This is pretty obviously false, even from just a legal standpoint. The easiest example is that I pay less in taxes than I would if I hadn't gotten married. It's also worth a mention that married people, on average, are happier than their unmarried counterparts, but this is a bit squishier than the couple grand a year that I pocket for signing a contract.