Why do people need to "warm up" around strangers?

[Valkrysa]

Thought 1: Is this person here to hurt me? (check that my knife is still where I left it)
Thought 2: Okay they don't seem to want to hurt me, is this person here to take something from me?
Thought 3: Okay they don't seem to want to take something, but is this person worth letting them steal time from me?
Thought 4: Okay I'm going to let them steal some of my time, let's see how this goes.

[Branching Path]
Thought 5a: They proved worth letting steal time, we will continue to talk in the future.
[or]
Thought 5b: They did not use the stolen time well, it is time to appear disinterested and cold until they go away.

[Noradin]

I meet alot of people who arent comfortable around new people (me) , and they even get hostile when you try to initiate contact with them. Or ignore you.

But after some time, they kinda wanna talk eventually.

It seems like they want to see what im really like, which i find funny, because the only way you can get a feel of someone is by actually communicating, and not doing stupid initiation rituals.

Actually, another question would be, why do people need some strange initiation rituals to start to communicate with someone?

Speaking isn't the only form of communication for most people.
Depending on cultural background it comes quite late in the process of getting to know someone.

Those "rituals" you are speaking of are likely an example of those.

[Dug]

You see, I'm generally an open book with people I meet right away. I mean I don't start preaching at them unsolicited or anything, but I never have defenses up unless the person has given me reason to think they're sketchy. It drives me nuts that more people aren't more open.

Yeah there's a line between being obnoxiously private but being too open y'know? I like to think I'm in the middle. I used to be far too open about details about myself and it would come back to bite me in the ass

[ItachiZaku]

In Vampire Terms, I've turned off my humanity. If I don't know you, I don't give a fuck about you. You need to prove to me that there is a reason for me to spend time on you. And I tend to read people and assess them, so i'll rarely meet someone in a 1v1 environment, it's part of an ensemble and I'm able to watch them interact.

I always catch them in some shit.

[Deleted]

Yeah seems very mysterious. I wonder if this thread will be the source for all further generations to inform themselves about this topic since what else could someone do who seeks knowledge and wisdom? I just wish this forum had a special section for topics like this, dedicated people who expand and work themselves into them and maybe they even could teach few other posters to have even more insight, so that they can carry the topics on even after the original "topic expert" leaves the forums for good.

[meheez]

In Vampire Terms, I've turned off my humanity. If I don't know you, I don't give a fuck about you. You need to prove to me that there is a reason for me to spend time on you.

Damn, personally, i could never ask something out of someone before giving them something first.

[Mad_Murdock]

Thats black and white. Im talking about diplomacy based communication.

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-p...e/mbti-basics/

Are you a ISTJ, a ENTP? It boils down to personality type and a healthy dose of life experiences. My Life experience says when I'm on a plane, pretend to be asleep, especially if the guy next to you seems like he's going to be a motor mouth the whole flight.

In diplomatic type communications, both sides normally want to "feel" the other side out. maybe evaluate strengths and weaknesses, similarities. There are various body language courses and other micro expressions that those with a keen eye can use to measure a person. They don't always need to communicate with you to get a feel for who you are.

I myself tend to know within a few minutes of meeting a person, if I'm going to like them. Sometimes we don't even have to speak directly. I don't consider it simply judging a book by a cover, because sometimes I see someone and think they look cool or seems like someone I'd like to hang around, but shorty after hearing them speak, I realize we're not going to get along. Call it a gift or a curse

[Heladys]

it's a confidence thing

not everybody has lots of confidence and it can take a while to "warm up to new people" if you are lacking in confidence.

It has nothing to do with confidence in the general case. Not everyone is wired the same way. Some people are introverts and crowds and new people are draining to them. Some simply aren't interested in meeting new people for various reasons.

Sure some people are timid, but they're not representative of the rest.

[ItachiZaku]

Damn, personally, i could never ask something out of someone before giving them something first.

Time is the most valuable asset one can have, you can't replenish it.

[Reeve]

Are you a ISTJ, a ENTP? It boils down to personality type and a healthy dose of life experiences. My Life experience says when I'm on a plane, pretend to be asleep, especially if the guy next to you seems like he's going to be a motor mouth the whole flight.

Yeah I'm an ENTP. I love it when someone wants to talk to me on the plane, especially an attractive woman. If I don't feel like talking, I have no problem just saying, "I think I'm going to read my book now, if that's OK." People generally respect your wish to be allowed to do your thing once you state that preference.

[Stone the Crow]

Damn, personally, i could never ask something out of someone before giving them something first.

Nah, I'm pretty sure you're just delusional about the way you yourself act.

No one treats everyone else as anything other than a stranger when they first meet them. They might be fine with making the first move to introduce themselves if it's someone they're interested in talking to (as opposed to the 99.99999% of people you pass every day that you never even so much as make eye contact with), but that's still you "warming up to them." Just because you take the initiative doesn't change a thing. If you didn't need to warm up to them, you wouldn't even feel the need to make the first move. Just like how you don't always have to say anything when coming downstairs for breakfast in the morning with your family. You're perfectly comfortable with them, and they're perfectly comfortable with you.

You just happen to have this need to say something in order to eliminate that feeling of awkwardness that everyone feels around people they don't know. Whereas a lot of people would just prefer not to know you at all, especially if it's in a situation where they'll likely never see you again. But of course that doesn't stop you, because you're so incredibly uncomfortable that you feel that you have to do something about it.

Trying to act like you're somehow superior just because you go the more obnoxious route (and yes, most people don't want to talk to you; else they would have talked to you first) doesn't mean you actually are.

[Rizendragon]

I meet alot of people who arent comfortable around new people (me) , and they even get hostile when you try to initiate contact with them. Or ignore you.

But after some time, they kinda wanna talk eventually.

It seems like they want to see what im really like, which i find funny, because the only way you can get a feel of someone is by actually communicating, and not doing stupid initiation rituals.

Actually, another question would be, why do people need some strange initiation rituals to start to communicate with someone?

Relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on communication and actions. Conversation, both verbal and non-verbal, is a good starting point for trust. Some people, like myself, need to hear what you have to say and see how you react, as in your facial expressions and body language, before we are comfortable enough to know how to best communicate with you.

I am of the opinion that people that want a wide-open conversation from the get-go are needy for attention and ultimately just as insecure as those of us that are a bit more reserved. Unfortunately some see those of us that take a little bit to get warmed up as socially awkward quite often.

[Deleted]

I meet alot of people who arent comfortable around new people (me) , and they even get hostile when you try to initiate contact with them. Or ignore you.

But after some time, they kinda wanna talk eventually.

It seems like they want to see what im really like, which i find funny, because the only way you can get a feel of someone is by actually communicating, and not doing stupid initiation rituals.

Actually, another question would be, why do people need some strange initiation rituals to start to communicate with someone?

Well, when muslim terrorists approach your base, the proper response is to open fire. Simple as that.

[Sylreick]

You see, I'm generally an open book with people I meet right away. I mean I don't start preaching at them unsolicited or anything, but I never have defenses up unless the person has given me reason to think they're sketchy. It drives me nuts that more people aren't more open.

That's partly one of the reasons I'm not very open. People start getting crazy around me just because I'm quiet, or the way I look or something; so I'd just as soon not talk/interact with them. If a person doesn't have the patience/understanding to get past me being rather closed up, then any relationship with them is likely one not worth having.

Personally I stick to the few good friends is better than lots of hollow/shallow ones philosophy.

[frogger237]

Because back in the day all the villages that just trusted strangers right away and let them guard the city gate ended up getting wiped out after the stranger let his buddies in to rape and pillage.

Also humans evolved to find certain features or expressions more or less trustworthy, so maybe you just look like a shifty bastard to most people.

[Mad_Murdock]

Yeah I'm an ENTP. I love it when someone wants to talk to me on the plane, especially an attractive woman. If I don't feel like talking, I have no problem just saying, "I think I'm going to read my book now, if that's OK." People generally respect your wish to be allowed to do your thing once you state that preference.

And I'm thankful for people like you, because you guys take the motor mouths off my hands. Though sometimes, I'd rather both of you two hush, cause I'm trying to sleep over here and your knee slapping, side holding conversation is keeping me awake

I am of the opinion that people that want a wide-open conversation from the get-go are needy for attention and ultimately just as insecure as those of us that are a bit more reserved.

That's where my life experience is at. People who push to talk to me, are normally the people who can't wait to tell me their whole life story and their life stories are not on par with Forest Gump, even though they seem to think so.

[Reeve]

Personally I stick to the few good friends is better than lots of hollow/shallow ones philosophy.

I'm not sure why being friendly and outgoing with strangers precludes one from having a few very close friends.

[meheez]

Nah, I'm pretty sure you're just delusional about the way you yourself act.

Trying to act like you're somehow superior just because you go the more obnoxious route (and yes, most people don't want to talk to you; else they would have talked to you first) doesn't mean you actually are.

That explains alot. So if i initiate contact, i am feeling like a superior bastard, and i must be treated like an obnoxious individual.

[Mad_Murdock]

I'm not sure why being friendly and outgoing with strangers precludes one from having a few very close friends.

Because this is a gaming forum and the New World Order in general, tends to be talking about things in absolutes.

Though obviously everyone here likes to communicate with other people, else we wouldn't be corresponding on forums

[Heladys]

I'm not sure why being friendly and outgoing with strangers precludes one from having a few very close friends.

It does not, it's just the other side of the stereotype.