How can i get my brother to change?

[Mazaxist]

My brother and I share an apartment. He has a low paying job, no car but pays his half of rent while i pretty much buy all the food because else he would have no money left..

He was recently offered a better paying job but don't want to accept it because it requires him to drive. Also don't want to drive a car for some reason. I think he is just so used to NOT driving. ( but wants me to buy groceries!.. ) I wonder what I can do to motivate him to do better? Get a better job, get a car, etc. All he does is sit on the PC and play games / watch movies. Also he has drinking problem, he is addicted to alcohol. he doesnt drink for 2-3 months and then starts drinking and cant stop for like a week. then quits drinking again for 2-3 months ( alcoholic? yeah i think so )

PS im 28 and he is 32.

What would you do in my situation? Any advice would be helpful.

[Damajin]

Stop rooming with your brother.

[Arewn]

I`d tell him off.
Tell him he is no longer welcome to your food, and that he has to pay full rent.
Oh, and you can try telling him he cant use your internet anymore.

He can`t just live off you forever.

[Super Friendly Kitty Cat]

My brother and I share an apartment. He has a low paying job, no car and can only afford half rent ( i pretty much buy all the food )

He was recently offered a better paying job but don't want to accept it because it requires him to drive. Also don't want to drive a car for some reason. I think he is just so used to NOT driving. ( but wants me to buy groceries!.. ) I wonder what I can do to motivate him to do better? Get a better job, get a car, etc. All he does is sit on the PC and play games / watch movies.

PS im 28 and he is 32.

What would you do in my situation? Any advice would be helpful.

I would honestly push your brother to see a doctor. Has he ever had a full physical? If he is turning down better paying jobs just so he can spend his time escaping into the world of entertainment and computer games, he might suffer from depression.

Go with your brother to the doctors, and share your observations with the doctor. Could be Low-T as well.

[Deleted]

damn he's 32 and is pretty much kept alive by his younger brother?

honestly I have to say your brother is a deadbeat, tell him to fuck off, take the new job or kick his ass out

he'll never change as long as you enable him

[the game]

While he's sleeping draw a bunch of dicks on his face with sharpies.

[RenegadeXan]

You cannot change people, you can bring what bother you to their awareness but there is NOTHING that you can do to change people.

[Independent voter]

Get your gf to move in with you, tell your brother 3 is a crowd.

[Mazaxist]

damn he's 32 and is pretty much kept alive by his younger brother?

honestly I have to say your brother is a deadbeat, tell him to fuck off, take the new job or kick his ass out

he'll never change as long as you enable him

That is pretty much how i feel. He for some reason refuses to change, sometimes i think the only way he might change is if he ends up on the street without a home. I do feel responsible in a way that i allow him to live this way.

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Get your gf to move in with you, tell your brother 3 is a crowd.

Yeah i told him what would he do... he has no clue, he rather not think about it

[Tijuana]

Stop rooming with your brother.

lol /thread

[Super Friendly Kitty Cat]

That is pretty much how i feel. He for some reason refuses to change, sometimes i think the only way he might change is if he ends up on the street without a home. I do feel responsible in a way that i allow him to live this way.

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Yeah i told him what would he do... he has no clue, he rather not think about it

Seriously, take him to a doctor, get him a full physical, go with him, tell the doctor what you see.

[Mazaxist]

Seriously, take him to a doctor, get him a full physical, go with him, tell the doctor what you see.

i HIGHLY doubt he would go. he does have drinking problem too. i doubt doctors can even do anything anyway. forgot to mention he also has drinking problem, he is addicted to alcohol. he doesnt drink for 2-3 months and then starts drinking and cant stop for like a week. then quits drinking again for 2-3 months ( alcoholic? yeah i think so )

[xChurch]

i HIGHLY doubt he would go. he does have drinking problem too. i doubt doctors can even do anything anyway. forgot to mention he also has drinking problem, he is addicted to alcohol. he doesnt drink for 2-3 months and then starts drinking and cant stop for like a week. then quits drinking again for 2-3 months ( alcoholic? yeah i think so )

Just pretend your taking him to the park for some frisbee then pull right into the Vets parking lot before he can escape!...I mean doctor.

[Ghostpanther]

People can only change if they want to. You are providing for him, so he has no strong motive to change. You want him to change, you have to help provide the motive for him to.

[Deleted]

You can always try telling him the money situation is getting tight and that he has to help out more before pulling the nuclear options others suggest.

He has a job so it's a bit unfair to flat out say "all he does is sit at his pc all day". How many hours does he work?
Have you ever asked him why he likes his current job or why he doesn't want to take another or what his problem with driving is? Perhaps he can't afford a car since you say he can barely afford his half of the rent? Speaking of that how can he afford a week of heavy drinking if he is that badly off?

[Cricket22]

i HIGHLY doubt he would go. he does have drinking problem too. i doubt doctors can even do anything anyway. forgot to mention he also has drinking problem, he is addicted to alcohol. he doesnt drink for 2-3 months and then starts drinking and cant stop for like a week. then quits drinking again for 2-3 months ( alcoholic? yeah i think so )

If you believe your brother is an alcoholic, I highly recommend you read, what I consider to be one of the best publications distributed by Alanon, the branch of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) for family members of alcoholics.

The pamphlet is only a couple of pages long, and basically explains the roles various family members unknowingly/unintentionally play in assisting to "enable" an alcoholic to continue using. Continuing these enabling behaviors are the very assistance necessary, that make it possible for the alcoholic to continue using.

The pamphlet is called "A Merry-go-round Named Denial" and can be read in its entirety at this link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

Good luck.

[Deleted]

If you believe your brother is an alcoholic, I highly recommend you read, what I consider to be one of the best publications distributed by Alanon, the branch of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) for family members of alcoholics.

The pamphlet is only a couple of pages long, and basically explains the roles various family members unknowingly/unintentionally play in assisting to "enable" an alcoholic to continue using. continuing these enabling behaviors actually prevent the alcoholic from even acknowledging they have a problem.

The pamphlet is called "A Merry-go-round Named Denial" and can be read in its entirety at this link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

Good luck.

He can apparently routinely go 3 months without a drink. Probably not an addiction. Perhaps he just likes to get drunk once in a while or perhaps he gets down once in a while and wants an escape, who knows OP doesn't seem to talk to his brother about such things.

[Cricket22]

He can apparently routinely go 3 months without a drink. Probably not an addiction. Perhaps he just likes to get drunk once in a while or perhaps he gets down once in a while and wants an escape, who knows OP doesn't seem to talk to his brother about such things.

A best friend/coworker of mine did the same thing, and he was absolutely an alcoholic. He died at the age of 35.

One of the "tests" to determine whether someone is an alcoholic is that even if they go for months on end without using, once they start drinking, they can not stop until either all the alcohol is gone, or they pass out.

[Deleted]

A best friend/coworker of mine did the same thing, and he was absolutely an alcoholic. He died at the age of 35.

One of the "tests" to determine whether someone is an alcoholic is that even if they go for months on end without using, once they start drinking, they can not stop until either all the alcohol is gone, or they pass out.

Sure maybe he has a problem of some sort.

But everything the OP says can also be explained by a extended lack of communication, leading to frustrations, exaggerating, you vs me mentalities, and overall just getting stuck in problems that might just be imaginary.

Get a unbiased friend or family member with some life experience, ask them to act as a mediator (ie let them form their own opinion, dont push your agenda on them), explain your concerns to them, then have them go talk to your brother about what he feels the situation is like (by letting the brother do the talking and not doing to many leading questions), and then get and airing of grievances/expression of feelings going.

It's hard to find a person who is good at that kind of mediating though, and it's hard to not push your agenda on them. Worst case you could use a psychologist for it. If it works it can expedite things a lot. It tends to go over a lot better then just dragging people to a doctor and saying there is something wrong with them, makes the whole process a lot easier if they aren't pissed off at you.

[Graeham]

You should first try talking to him calmly about the situation and outline your concerns. Give him the chance to voice his own concerns as well so it feels like more of a mutual effort for improvement. Encouraging him to seek out medical help seems rather wise. That he is holding down a job is a good sign, honestly. Though trying to push him into a different job for the sake of it may simply make him feel worse.

As for the driving situation? Not everybody is comfortable driving. Some people just can't cope with it no matter how hard they try - and he may very well sense that.