Roommate is cheating with a married man; none of my business?

[Guyv3r]

The amount of passive people here astounds me. If it ever happens to any of you, wouldn't you want to know? Instead of looking like a fool.

People like him should be branded as a warning.

Anonimously alert the wife to this situation. The story will take care of itself.

PS: Your roommate is as bad as the guy. Getting it on with married people...

[dextersmith]

I was immediately uncomfortable with this [...]

but I am also worried that this relationship will continue and that it will affect our relationship.

Have you identified what makes you uncomfortable with this? Is some aspect of this against your principles as underlined suggest or are you fearful of danger and backlash for either of you? They are both adults and poly so don't worry about infidelity. Address your concerns with her but it's ultimately her choice.

@Celista
Your topics are great so don't sweat the haters.

[grandpab]

You should join her.

[Spl4sh3r]

Its none of your business, and if you don't want to move, don't move. Renew the lease with a new room mate.

I would have agreed in the beginning, but reading more of the story it is her business. If said person bring home a married man to THEIR appartment then it is her business because she can end up being accused for it and things like that. If her roommate did it somewhere else I would agree that it isn't any of her business.

With that said give an ultimatum. Either stop sleeping with married men or find a new roommate.

[Lenonis]

That's a great plan! Let the shit hit the fan and then clean it up, instead of stopping the shit hitting it in the first place. Thankfully not everyone goes through life like this and actually use some foresight.

Exactly how do you think this is going to go?

Celista: Hey roommate -- you are dating a married man that might possible create a disruption, but might not, but I say you should stop it so stop it.
Roommate: Ok! Glad you said something?

C'mon. If you want to accuse me of lacking foresight then I'll just accuse you of lacking a grasp of human nature in these situations.

[Celista]

Thank you to everyone who has replied in the thread so far.

Moral of the story? DONT GET IN IT! You're the bad guy at the end. Unfortunately that incident has made me turn a blind eye to someone else beating his gf and you know what? I saw them back together a couple weeks later as well. Thank goodness I wasn't STUPID enough to get involved again, because aparently, beating the shit out of a woman makes you a keeper now days -_-

That is an insane story.

Honestly she should have been thankful that you tried to protect her in that situation. :/ Maybe she'll realize that one day.

[Ilir]

You're saying you're open minded is a blatant lie. I thought "you had standards" ?

[Lenonis]

except that as soon as it walks through the door it does involve her. It may not effect anything now, but it could. Its simply a conversation that needs to be had regardless.

Yes. She could speak her concerns. But that isn't going to stop the roommate from seeing this guy. And then there's the tension that's built whenever he's over and the defensiveness that the roommate will end up with around this situation.

"If may not affect anything now, but it could" applies to ANYTHING. What if the roommate loses her job? Gets sick? Dies? Just how many what-ifs should the OP tackle?

[TwoNineMarine]

Rent in Portland does suck. I live in Vancouver and it's similar.

Tell her not to bring him there. If she doesn't then find a new roommate.

[Celista]

The amount of passive people here astounds me. If it ever happens to any of you, wouldn't you want to know? Instead of looking like a fool.

I'd definitely want to know, that is for sure.

I know some people would want things differently, but at this point it seems clear that the wife "wants to know", based on what my roommate has said.

Whether I should be the one to tell her...I don't know. I agree with people who replied on both sides of this. She might want to know, but it also seems like I would be WAY overstepping my boundaries.

Would also ruin my friendship with my roommate forever.

[Lenonis]

If he's going to jack the rent up enormously then I might be moving, although I'd prefer not to.

Might want to do a little research depending on where you live. Landlords don't always have free reign to change rent prices. Of course then it becomes a really contentious fight between you and your landlord and if a landlord wants you out they can make your life awful.

[Jotaux]

Thank you to everyone who has replied in the thread so far.


That is an insane story.

Honestly she should have been thankful that you tried to protect her in that situation. :/ Maybe she'll realize that one day.

I used to take the skytrain to school everyday, one day I saw a guy beating the shit out of this girl. I would have stepped in but someone closer already did. As soon as he pulled him off of her she started attacking the rescuer! Then they both ganged up on the would be rescuer. By that time everyone else jumped in to pull them off of the poor guy.

[Celista]

Yes. She could speak her concerns. But that isn't going to stop the roommate from seeing this guy.

Yeah it seems quite apparent that they're not going to stop seeing each other. That lasted less than a week :/

[Qlix]

Yes. She could speak her concerns. But that isn't going to stop the roommate from seeing this guy. And then there's the tension that's built whenever he's over and the defensiveness that the roommate will end up with around this situation.

"If may not affect anything now, but it could" applies to ANYTHING. What if the roommate loses her job? Gets sick? Dies? Just how many what-ifs should the OP tackle?

I mean you're right, not arguing that. But she has the right to be proactive. And I don't think OP really cares IF she see's the guy, simply whether or not she brings him into the home. Which she has every right to do.

However, whether or not she has the right to tell the "wife", grey area. She has every right to say whatever the hell she wants to whomever she wants. But should she? Probably not. The relationship between the Cheating husband and his wife is definitely none of her business. The only concern of hers should be her friendship with the roommate and what happens in the home.

[Dug]

I used to take the skytrain to school everyday, one day I saw a guy beating the shit out of this girl. I would have stepped in but someone closer already did. As soon as he puller him off of her she started attacking the rescuer! Then they both ganged up on the would be rescuer. By that time everyone else jumped in to pull them off of the poor guy.

Stockholm Syndromes a hell of a drug

[Puupi]

None of your business.

[Deleted]

She identifies as poly and sees one guy regularly and other men from time to time; maybe once a month or so.

And I identify as an attack helicopter, doesn't mean i am one. This whole "identifies as" bullshit is making my skin crawl. She is fucking around with multiple people, period. That has nothing to do with any kind of identification. Hell I like fucking around too cause it's fun, but that doesn't change my identity. By that definition most people are poly cause most people like sex and different partners bring variation aka more fun, that's not a change of sexual orientation it's simply fucking around. This whole i identify as poly nonsense sounds like a very convenient excuse if you want to cheat on a partner instead of discussing an open relationship or whatever other options there are.

Anyway, her morals being what they are and the way she is dealing with the situation + the fact that she's trying to hide it from you scream crazy to me and i'm 99% sure this will lead to backlash that could be bad for you as well if you are still living together. If you like your place get a new roommate and let her move out, spare yourself the drama.

[Celista]

Have you identified what makes you uncomfortable with this? Is some aspect of this against your principles as underlined suggest or are you fearful of danger and backlash for either of you? They are both adults and poly so don't worry about infidelity. Address your concerns with her but it's ultimately her choice.

@Celista
Your topics are great so don't sweat the haters.

Thanks, cutie <3

It basically has to do with my personal code of ethics as it relates to cheating. I have a minor concern regarding what might happen if his wife finds out that they are continuing to see each others. I don't know her, but mental illness + cheating is not a good combination.

[Azadina]

I'd definitely want to know, that is for sure.

I know some people would want things differently, but at this point it seems clear that the wife "wants to know", based on what my roommate has said.

Whether I should be the one to tell her...I don't know. I agree with people who replied on both sides of this. She might want to know, but it also seems like I would be WAY overstepping my boundaries.

Would also ruin my friendship with my roommate forever.

Really, don't get involved, and just try to get out of the whole situation. It's not worth the trouble.

[Guyv3r]

I'd definitely want to know, that is for sure.

I know some people would want things differently, but at this point it seems clear that the wife "wants to know", based on what my roommate has said.

Whether I should be the one to tell her...I don't know. I agree with people who replied on both sides of this. She might want to know, but it also seems like I would be WAY overstepping my boundaries.

Would also ruin my friendship with my roommate forever.

I think you should do what you think is right. Like many people say, it's not your situation so you should tread carefully.

Do you wanna be friends with a person that is complacent with cheating? I would choose my friends more wisely.