Why don't many parents just abandon rebellious teenagers?

[spinner981]

Do you think children at young ages are brainless apes unable to understand speech? They do listen to reason; what they don't listen to is the typical nonsense, "You have to do it because I said so", which is what most parents seem to try. And when it fails, they try to push their point through violence. Who knows why; I've never understood how a person can hit their own child, it is something well beyond my comprehension.

You say all of this as if you've never interacted with a young child before. My nephew is about 2 and a half years old, and his parents don't spank him, and every time he is told to do something he doesn't like he cries or screams or just ignores what he is told. Doesn't matter if his parents give him the practical reasoning behind it. It's not that they don't understand speech like you strawmanned, but rather than they don't care about reason or logic. They care about avoiding what they don't like and getting what they do like, and that is pretty much it. Children become spoiled when they are taught that if they misbehave then their parents will have to offer them something good to get them to behave. That causes them to misbehave more. If they are consistently disciplined, then they don't misbehave as often. Sure, you can try time out, but that isn't going to work for long before they realize that they don't need to listen because all you will ever do is tell them to go back to time out. Taking away toys or other privileges also goes over like a lead balloon. Better yet they later forget about those toys being taken away and will throw fits yet again after asking for them and you tell them that you took it away.

All getting spanked taught me was how to hide things and lie better.

So you would then suggest that parents just let their kids do whatever they want whenever they want, because disciplining them just encourages them to hide things and lie?

[LiiLoSNK]

I think by that time you might find yourself in the court, mate.

Yea you're right I could probably take action against the kid for wasting all the money I put into the resources to raise them (food, water, band-aids from all the beatings). Good looking out, mate. I'll see them in court!

most probably you dont deserve to be a father, so please, do not have childs

I'm also going to beat my kids if they ever do not have Englishs.

[Xandrigity]

It's your child and you love them more matter what. I was a pretty shitty teenager to my parents and I straightened up.

[Thepersona]

Yea you're right I could probably take action against the kid for wasting all the money I put into the resources to raise them (food, water, band-aids from all the beatings). Good looking out, mate. I'll see them in court!



I'm also going to beat my kids if they ever do not have Englishs.

see sig
/10 chars

[Flurryfang]

All I see in this thread is few "You suck for beating child" advisors who really repeat themselves more than anything else. Let's put this to a test shall we?
Imagine me being your kid who does whatever he wants, go out whenever he wants and knows damn well that the worst thing you can do to me is give me a sermon because if you try to do anything else I can get police on you and claim domestic abuse? What are you gonna do to me to make me good?

Doubt anyone will respond with good methods to this post but I guess principle of hope should apply.

As a parent, you often get to know your kid very well. So well actually, that you know what areas to limit if you want your kid to behave. All you are required to do is to give them roof over their head and feed them, nothing more. Now, nearly all parents give a lot more then that, but if your kid misbehave, you just limit what you give the kid, down to simple food and access to a room with no lock. If they are serious about being rebellious, they will leave the house on their own and come back again within some years, when they have grown up and are able to see things from your standpoint.

So no need to beat anybody. Just feed them, give them a bed and pick them up from the jail if they are getting in trouble.... Maybe even try to get them a job, if you want to be a really good parent. The money step is often what makes teenagers grow up.

[Thepersona]

As a parent, you often get to know your kid very well. So well actually, that you know what areas to limit if you want your kid to behave. All you are required to do is to give them roof over their head and feed them, nothing more. Now, nearly all parents give a lot more then that, but if your kid misbehave, you just limit what you give the kid, down to simple food and access to a room with no lock. If they are serious about being rebellious, they will leave the house on their own and come back again within some years, when they have grown up and are able to see things from your standpoint.

So no need to beat anybody. Just feed them, give them a bed and pick them up from the jail if they are getting in trouble.... Maybe even try to get them a job, if you want to be a really good parent. The money step is often what makes teenagers grow up.

also, you can ground them if the screw up on something

[Flurryfang]

also, you can ground them if the screw up on something

Often you can't really ground rebellious teenagers, since they will just run out if they want to. They don't fear the side effects, since you can't really take much from them. All you can do, is show how much easier life would be if the kid actually did some of the things you tell it But you can also just refuse to aid them when they need help

[Thepersona]

Often you can't really ground rebellious teenagers, since they will just run out if they want to. They don't fear the side effects, since you can't really take much from them. All you can do, is show how much easier life would be if the kid actually did some of the things you tell it But you can also just refuse to aid them when they need help

mmm, i think that the grounding could come with a bit of cleverness... i dunno, blocking the internet, giving an old cellphone to the teenager (and locking his/her current one in a safe)

[Deleted]

As a parent, you often get to know your kid very well. So well actually, that you know what areas to limit if you want your kid to behave. All you are required to do is to give them roof over their head and feed them, nothing more. Now, nearly all parents give a lot more then that, but if your kid misbehave, you just limit what you give the kid, down to simple food and access to a room with no lock. If they are serious about being rebellious, they will leave the house on their own and come back again within some years, when they have grown up and are able to see things from your standpoint.

So no need to beat anybody. Just feed them, give them a bed and pick them up from the jail if they are getting in trouble.... Maybe even try to get them a job, if you want to be a really good parent. The money step is often what makes teenagers grow up.

Seen that approach taken first hand with my older brother. Didnt worked at all.

Worse yet I was the one who behaved properly so I always ended up getting treats/money/favors. He could get them as well if he behaved but instead he rather spin a narrative in his head about how parents had never loved him and his proof of being treated poorly. Even when confronted about it he usually ended up with brain dead rebutals like "Parents are fair to all their children and love them all equally no matter what!". Now him being 34 years old he still acts like everyone owes him, last time I had a chuckle when he expected me to send him money to help his broke ass keep afloat.

But I guess all of this is better for my family then huwting his fewwings wight?

[Thepersona]

Seen that approach taken first hand with my older brother. Didnt worked at all.

Worse yet I was the one who behaved properly so I always ended up getting treats/money/favors. He could get them as well if he behaved but instead he rather spin a narrative in his head about how parents had never loved him and his proof of being treated poorly. Even when confronted about it he usually ended up with brain dead rebutals like "Parents are fair to all their children and love them all equally no matter what!". Now him being 34 years old he still acts like everyone owes him, last time I had a chuckle when he expected me to send him money to help his broke ass keep afloat.

But I guess all of this is better for my family then huwting his fewwings wight?

My mother once told me, the son that their love the most (at any given moment) is the one that needs love the most (at that moment). and that necessity changes over time

[Evil Midnight Bomber]

now granted it is a thing that happens more often than I might believe, but for those that don't, why the fuck not? I find it enraging when a teen has the audacity to show defiance or disrespect toward parents that keep him/her alive. In a world where now kicking the fucking ass of such teens is going to stir a lot of trouble, why not just kick their ass out of the house or disown them? By that age they're independant enough, so if they show no respect, just let them live on their own.

Well, there's this whole thing called "child abandonment"

[Bapestar]

You say all of this as if you've never interacted with a young child before. My nephew is about 2 and a half years old, and his parents don't spank him, and every time he is told to do something he doesn't like he cries or screams or just ignores what he is told. Doesn't matter if his parents give him the practical reasoning behind it. It's not that they don't understand speech like you strawmanned, but rather than they don't care about reason or logic. They care about avoiding what they don't like and getting what they do like, and that is pretty much it. Children become spoiled when they are taught that if they misbehave then their parents will have to offer them something good to get them to behave. That causes them to misbehave more. If they are consistently disciplined, then they don't misbehave as often. Sure, you can try time out, but that isn't going to work for long before they realize that they don't need to listen because all you will ever do is tell them to go back to time out. Taking away toys or other privileges also goes over like a lead balloon. Better yet they later forget about those toys being taken away and will throw fits yet again after asking for them and you tell them that you took it away.

Yea that timeout bs doesn't always work.

[Deleted]

My mother once told me, the son that their love the most (at any given moment) is the one that needs love the most (at that moment). and that necessity changes over time

My brother is like Gotham City. Love is something he needs but doesnt deserve.

[Thepersona]

My brother is like Gotham City. Love is something he needs but doesnt deserve.

lol, that could've happened. maybe he felt a bit left behind, and his form of rationalize was that your fathers preffered one son over another. so that vicious circle only went on and on

[Kyriani]

now granted it is a thing that happens more often than I might believe, but for those that don't, why the fuck not? I find it enraging when a teen has the audacity to show defiance or disrespect toward parents that keep him/her alive. In a world where now kicking the fucking ass of such teens is going to stir a lot of trouble, why not just kick their ass out of the house or disown them? By that age they're independant enough, so if they show no respect, just let them live on their own.

The simple answer for me is.... abandoning your children essentially makes you a failure as a parent. That's not to say a parent can't or shouldn't show tough love when a situation warrants it. The thing is to understand IF/WHEN it is warranted. Rebellion/defiance is a natural part of the growing up process as a child transitions into an adult. Parents must learn when to give their children more slack to make their own choices even if that results in mistakes. Disowning your child just because they were disrespectful or defiant would make you a pretty shitty parent IMO.

One thing to realize is, that just because you spawned a child, doesn't mean you automatically deserve respect. Respect is EARNED not given. A certain level of respect comes inherent with parenthood because you earned it by bringing that life into the world and care for it. But that respect is not guaranteed to stay without continuous reinforcement. If you're a bad parent, your child is not obligated to respect you.

At the same time, respect is a two way street. Children transitioning into adulthood have to earn their parent's respect as well. They have to show their parents that they are ready to take those first steps into making adult choices and that's not always easy since many parents have difficulty seeing their children as anything but children.

Just remember... parents are owed nothing just for producing offspring. Rebelliousness is a part of youth transitioning into adulthood. Understanding that and how to handle it without going off half-cocked is the mark of a good parent. The very first thing a parent should ask themselves when dealing with behavior issues is "what was I like at this age?". In most cases they get an idea of whats going on in their kid's head, and that helps handle the situation in a constructive manner.

Now of course their are extreme cases where a child turns out just to be a psychopath, and if typical discipline actions (taking away phone/car/gaming privileges) don't work, then more extreme ones can be entertained (military school is always a popular parental threat for really bad behavior), even including therapy for anger management if necessary. When dealing with older children, however, physical discipline (hitting) can backfire, because as a mid teen, your child very likely has enough physical growth to hit back.

My own mother and I had an incident like that once and only once. I forget the argument but she came at me as if she were going to hit me. I raised my hands to threaten her right back and she stopped saying "you'd hit me?!" and I replied "Yes. You taught me to never start a fight but always finish one if someone hits you. I will do my best to stop you from making contact, but if you hit me I will put you through a wall." She was shocked by that but calmed down after and we had a far more mature conversation to resolve our dispute. I think I was 16 at the time. that was one of the moments in my growing up that my mother realized I wasn't a child anymore and that treating me that way she might have as a toddler wouldn't work. Our relationship improved greatly when she gave me some space to make my own mistakes.

But just abandoning your child because you can't be bothered to be a good parent... makes you... well... not a good parent and you shouldn't have had kids in the first place if you can't handle it. Most kids are going to have a rebellious stage in their formative teen years. You want your kids to respect you because they want to not because you beat it into them or threaten them. The balance of power between parent and child inevitably shifts during the mid teens and many parents and kids have difficulty with that.

[nonameelf]

Yea that timeout bs doesn't always work.

Pain as a punishment really only works if it comes in conjunction with the undesired behavior. You'd have to spank your kid right then and there when he/she does something bad for it to have any affect. Kids in the ~2 year old range aren't much smarter than dogs.

[Deleted]

Thanks for yet another amazing thread, Salandrin.

[May90]

You say all of this as if you've never interacted with a young child before. My nephew is about 2 and a half years old, and his parents don't spank him, and every time he is told to do something he doesn't like he cries or screams or just ignores what he is told. Doesn't matter if his parents give him the practical reasoning behind it. It's not that they don't understand speech like you strawmanned, but rather than they don't care about reason or logic. They care about avoiding what they don't like and getting what they do like, and that is pretty much it. Children become spoiled when they are taught that if they misbehave then their parents will have to offer them something good to get them to behave. That causes them to misbehave more. If they are consistently disciplined, then they don't misbehave as often. Sure, you can try time out, but that isn't going to work for long before they realize that they don't need to listen because all you will ever do is tell them to go back to time out. Taking away toys or other privileges also goes over like a lead balloon. Better yet they later forget about those toys being taken away and will throw fits yet again after asking for them and you tell them that you took it away.

If we are talking about 2.5 year olds, then yes, it might be hard to get them to understand the reasoning. That's why you do it when they grow up. If you SERIOUSLY advocate spanking 2.5 y/o kids, then, in my eyes, you are insane.

No one becomes spoiled due to not being spanked, what the hell? I've never been spanked in my life, my parents were better than this - and I haven't grown spoiled in the slightest. Do you know the secret? They taught me through love, they showed their love to me and I MYSELF wanted to make them happy. How is that approach, huh? It is not exactly a novelty, and many families understand these principles. But no, some still stick to the old good brute force methods, as if we haven't progressed at all from cavemen times...

[TheDestinatus]

Pain as a punishment really only works if it comes in conjunction with the undesired behavior. You'd have to spank your kid right then and there when he/she does something bad for it to have any affect. Kids in the ~2 year old range aren't much smarter than dogs.

Parents refusing to put in the effort and actually teach their children is the issue, gronk adults breed gronk children.

[Jerakal]

Love, usually. And the fact that most teenagers go through some sort of rebellious phase.