Would you date/pursue a relationship with someone who...

[NineSpine]

Date? Probably, if I were ever single again.

Definitely no relationship though, for a variety of reasons. The only one that's really relevant is that I don't think I'd enjoy it and I don't feel any particular need to try to force myself into being OK with something that I'm not OK with.

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Not wanting your partner to fuck other people isn't "controlling and petty". That's a ridiculous claim.

Let's say your partner fucks someone else. Now what? What does that have to do with your relationship with them? What does it change? The only thing possibly harmed is your ego.

[Kapadons]

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Not wanting your partner to fuck other people isn't "controlling and petty". That's a ridiculous claim.

It's Ninespine,bro. Have you ever seen him not make a ridiculous claim?

OT- I could date any of those without an issue. I couldn't marry any of them though.

[Spectral]

Let's say your partner fucks someone else. Now what? What does that have to do with your relationship with them? What does it change? The only thing possibly harmed is your ego.

I leave. They've breached a relationship that's predicated on extreme trust. I don't share partners, have no desire to, and this has never been unclear between us.

This would also demonstrate that my wife has ceased to feel the same way about us that she has for years.

[NineSpine]

I leave. They've breached a relationship that's predicated on trust. I don't share partners, have no desire to, and this has never been unclear between either of us.

Right, but that breach is only because you set that rule in the first place. I'm questioning the need for the rule. What is the rule trying to accomplish aside from bruised egos?

[Spectral]

Right, but that breach is only because you set that rule in the first place. I'm questioning the need for the rule. What is the rule trying to accomplish aside from bruised egos?

I place great value on exclusivity and loyalty. Perhaps some people are capable of engaging in healthy, intimate, trusting relationships without these boundaries, but I am not that person and my wife is not that person. I would not feel the same about my wife if she were intimate with anyone else and her feeling about the matter is the same. Betrayal is a marriage ruiner.

Really though, I'm being charitable when I say that maybe other people are capable of this - I'm quite skeptical, but grant that other people may genuinely just not experience feelings of attachment.

[NineSpine]

I place great value on exclusivity and loyalty. Perhaps some people are capable of engaging in healthy, intimate, trusting relationships without these boundaries, but I am not that person and my wife is not that person. I would not feel the same about my wife if she were intimate with anyone else and her feeling about the matter is the same. Betrayal is a marriage ruiner.

Really though, I'm being charitable when I say that maybe other people are capable of this - I'm quite skeptical, but grant that other people may genuinely just not experience feelings of attachment.

I agree that betrayal is wrong. What I am questioning why bother making it a betrayal in the first place. I don't understand why you need to so tightly entwine intimacy and attachment to sex. Sex can be an expression of intimacy and attachment, but it doesn't always have to be, and the notion that intimacy and attachment are these finite resources that get expended if you have sex with someone else, even if the sex is fleeting, unintimate, and unattached, just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. My love for my wife, the bond we have, these are not things that are contingent upon sex. By your logic, if she became incapable of having sex tomorrow, intimacy and attachment are now impossible for us to express.

[Spectral]

I agree that betrayal is wrong. What I am questioning why bother making it a betrayal in the first place. I don't understand why you need to so tightly entwine intimacy and attachment to sex. Sex can be an expression of intimacy and attachment, but it doesn't always have to be, and the notion that intimacy and attachment are these finite resources that get expended if you have sex with someone else, even if the sex is fleeting, unintimate, and unattached, just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. My love for my wife, the bond we have, these are not things that are contingent upon sex. By your logic, if she became incapable of having sex tomorrow, intimacy and attachment are now impossible for us to express.

Likewise, I don't understand how you don't feel that intimacy and attachment in the romantic sense are finite resources. I'm fairly confident that they are, although like I said, I'm willing to be charitable and state that other people could plausibly not feel the same.

I can promise, without a shred of doubt, that me screwing someone else would be a result of a diminished love for my wife and would result in that love further diminishing. This is pretty hard-wired. I don't have any desire to sleep with other people - I'm pretty naturally monogamous.

If you're incapable of understanding that different humans are wired differently (and that my wiring is much more common), I'm kind of skeptical of your capacity for empathy. Which, really, might explain the lack of attachment to monogamy - promiscuity and sociopathy are linked. This is, of course, pretty uncharitable, but also a pretty stark reality and one of the reasons why I wouldn't be inclined to marry someone that's highly promiscuous.

[Shadowferal]

I agree that betrayal is wrong. What I am questioning why bother making it a betrayal in the first place.

Some have different priorities than you.
Some value trust, others don't.

[NineSpine]

Likewise, I don't understand how you don't feel that intimacy and attachment in the romantic sense are finite resources. I'm fairly confident that they are, although like I said, I'm willing to be charitable and state that other people could plausibly not feel the same.

I can promise, without a shred of doubt, that me screwing someone else would be a result of a diminished love for my wife and would result in that love further diminishing. This is pretty hard-wired. I don't have any desire to sleep with other people - I'm pretty naturally monogamous.

If you're incapable of understanding that different humans are wired differently (and that my wiring is much more common), I'm kind of skeptical of your capacity for empathy. Which, really, might explain the lack of attachment to monogamy - promiscuity and sociopathy are linked. This is, of course, pretty uncharitable, but also a pretty stark reality and one of the reasons why I wouldn't be inclined to marry someone that's highly promiscuous.

Sociopathy is linked to self destructive behavior, which promiscuity often is. There is no doubt about that.

The notion that your "wiring" is much more common is really just untrue. It's not backed up by anthropology, or just the simple rates of cheating we see regularly.

While I'm happy to accept many people are geared towards monogamy, my concern is why it is important to you that the OTHER person is monogamous. If the way YOU feel is that you don't want to sleep with anyone else, bully for you, and I am aware of multiple couples where one partner is monogamous and the other is not. My issue is the amount of concern with what the OTHER person does, the need to control the person. Again, I see no reason other than bruised egos.

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Some have different priorities than you.
Some value trust, others don't.

What does trust have to do with anything. I've never had an open relationship that didn't involve trust. There are rules. There are things you aren't supposed to do. It's not a free-for-all. For example, a standing rule in all of my relationships has always been that you have to be honest about all of your sexual encounters. They can't be secret or hidden. That is cheating.

[Shadowferal]

What does trust have to do with anything.

I think you're eventually in for a rude shock...or not. Maybe you're that kind of person.
But for me, trust is everything. For you to ask such a question...I would only be wasting my time trying to explain.

[NineSpine]

I think you're eventually in for a rude shock...or not. Maybe you're that kind of person.
But for me, trust is everything. For you to ask such a question...I would only be wasting my time trying to explain.

I see you left out the rest of my comment because it was too difficult to respond to. I don't need to dignify obvious cherry picking and refusal to engage in the actual conversation any further. Have a good day.

[Mihalik]

Let's say your partner fucks someone else. Now what? What does that have to do with your relationship with them? What does it change? The only thing possibly harmed is your ego.

For example, I really do prefer sex without a condom over sex with a condom. In an open relationship that is essentially impossible, as it would significantly increase the risk of STDs. Being monogamous in a relationship doesn't eliminate the chance, but it does reduce it.

Furthermore I have a different interpretation of the meaning of physical intimacy and how it relates to emotional intimacy than you do. Your problem here is that you are projecting your personal perceptions and feelings onto others and acting like how others interpret intimacy is somehow..."wrong".

Specifically you seem to have an issue with the expectation of mutual exclusivity being interpreted as emotional intimacy.

[NineSpine]

For example, I really do prefer sex without a condom over sex with a condom. In an open relationship that is essentially impossible, as it would significantly increase the risk of STDs. Being monogamous in a relationship doesn't eliminate the chance, but it does reduce it.

Furthermore I have a different interpretation of the meaning of physical intimacy and how it relates to emotional intimacy than you do. Your problem here is that you are projecting your personal perceptions and feelings onto others and acting like how others interpret intimacy is somehow..."wrong".

Specifically you seem to have an issue with the expectation of mutual exclusivity being interpreted as emotional intimacy.

I have an issue with expecting that of a partner, not with feeling that way about your own actions.

[Mihalik]

I have an issue with expecting that of a partner, not with feeling that way about your own actions.

That, makes no sense in the context of your reply to what I've said.

[NineSpine]

That, makes no sense in the context of your reply to what I've said.

I'm disaggregating personal feelings about how you want to act, from how you tell others they need to act.

[Deleted]

I bet you're fun at parties

[Deleted]

No, I have standards and I'm not remotely desperate.

Came here to post this.

[Deleted]

I imagine the STD risk is pretty high considering what goes on in porn these days with people sticking things into other people then sticking them in their mouth then into other people and worse.

[Reg]

I imagine the STD risk is pretty high considering what goes on in porn these days with people sticking things into other people then sticking them in their mouth then into other people and worse.

STDs in the porn industry are very rare. There is mandatory testing. You have a better chance picking up something from some broad at the bar than you do from a porn star.

[Deleted]

STDs in the porn industry are very rare. There is mandatory testing. You have a better chance picking up something from some broad at the bar than you do from a porn star.

Pretty much.

You aren't even allowed to work without 3 independent clean tests.