[22/M] Kissless Virgin. Fallen for a lady and friend-zoned hard. Where do I go?

[kneehidude]

Finally found the –perfect- girl and end up crushed. Talk to some close friends, feel a little better. Feel okay over last few days, still a little hurt. Still talk every day like nothing happened, she insists she feels bad about it and I believe her. Today she’s telling me about how she was semi-flirting with some guy, he got drunk and how she was rejecting his drunken advances and he was kissing her on the legs and shit before he passed out in her lap.

Let me just give you a piece of advice. If you ask a girl out, and she rejects you, but still wants to be your friend. You have to put some barriers up.

Tell her straight up "You didn't want me part of your romantic life, and that's fine, but that means you cannot talk to me about your romantic life." You can still be her friend, talk, hang out, help her through stuff all you want. But lay down the line that you won't be that shoulder to cry on about that jerk she picked over you.

Other than that, try and move on. It hurts, and it sucks, but eventually you will get over her.

[Berengil]

Let me just give you a piece of advice. If you ask a girl out, and she rejects you, but still wants to be your friend. You have to put some barriers up.

Tell her straight up "You didn't want me part of your romantic life, and that's fine, but that means you cannot talk to me about your romantic life." You can still be her friend, talk, hang out, help her through stuff all you want. But lay down the line that you won't be that shoulder to cry on about that jerk she picked over you.

Other than that, try and move on. It hurts, and it sucks, but eventually you will get over her.

Mostly agree, except I'm just one little bit harsher. One rejection = girl is cut out of my life. No contact at all, zip, zilcho, nada. No friend, no nothing. I don't make friends with women I'm interested in screwing. Either we bang, or I'm gone.

[Auxora]

I think a lot of women like friendzoning guys that are just a bit below the 1-10 range they are looking at. Then you combine that with women who often shoot for guys really a bit out of their own range. It seems to come from the whole being raised as a princess treatment many women get growing up. So they think if they are a 5, they don't want anything less than a guy that's a 9. Then they friendzone guys that are a 7 or 8 when they are holding out for their Prince Charming who's a 9 or 10. Then they use the friendzone guy as a fallback in case that Prince Charming never shows up (or more likely the reality that they aren't actually a 9 or 10 themselves sinks in). There are plenty of guys that are jerks in relationships too, just saying what I've seen in these friend-zone situations.

My advice would be to think about the warning signs that it's a friend-zone situation where you are just being used as a safety net. The big one is whether or not she is willing to set you up with her friends. Women always know plenty of women, and if she's truly a friend and honestly just not wanting a more serious relationship with you, she should be wanting to set you up with her friends. And if not, that's a sign that she doesn't want to lose her fallback.

The other thing to look at is are you really friends. As in do you have just as much fun hanging out as if she was a guy friend? If it's awkward, or she only calls you when she wants a shoulder to cry on or needs help moving or w/e, then again odds are you're being used. Are there as many fun times as "favor" times? If you're honest with yourself you'll know the answer to that.

Lastly, if none of these fit maybe you are just friends and looking for something more that isn't there. I had 2 female close friends through grade school all the way through college and still today in adult life keep in touch. We married different people and all is well. But we always had fun times hanging out and for the most part (there were a couple drunken nights I'll leave out) didn't go beyond that.

[Ninjavitis]

I know it sounds harsh, but you're 22. Work on creating a good life for yourself, worry about Love later.

[Sociopathic]

Let me just give you a piece of advice. If you ask a girl out, and she rejects you, but still wants to be your friend. You have to put some barriers up.

Tell her straight up "You didn't want me part of your romantic life, and that's fine, but that means you cannot talk to me about your romantic life." You can still be her friend, talk, hang out, help her through stuff all you want. But lay down the line that you won't be that shoulder to cry on about that jerk she picked over you.

Other than that, try and move on. It hurts, and it sucks, but eventually you will get over her.

Thank you for posting this. Good way of thinking.

[dudurududu]

Sexually (I have some fetishes she knows about and she thinks she’s too vanilla to able to be able to deliver on them.

How can you have fetishes when you never even kissed a girl, yet alone had sex? What the hell do you know whats turns you on when you never tried anything more than a hand.

[Triks]

1) Save some $$$

2) Graduate.

3) Go to Eastern Europe for 3-6 months.

4) Get laid.

If he is that gullible, our girls will just spend his money and fuck off.

OP, I had a guy like you that was following my girlfriend along and texting her 24/7. She saw him as nothing more than her little "pet puppy" and the man couldn't take a hint. Eventually at a night out I told him straight that she wasn't into him and it was time for him to move on.

[Deleted]

Hmmmm... not sure... i do my job, 20hours a week under humans... to me thats completly enough...
and i still take showers and brush my teeth

i doubt meds would help me, cuz i still wouldnt go outside after work... but i am this way all my life... humans are just not really interesting... they talk about stuff i dont care about

I don't know you said you hate people, you hate everything and you enjoy couching (which to me is sitting inside all time doing very little) they're all signs of depression and don't necessarily require meds... However it's your life

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yeah, life is all about lying... masking your true intentions, your emotions and all that stuff... dont ever be yourself... be someone else...
i cant do this, thats why i am alone forever *add forever alone meme* dont be me

Well when yourself is the problem you got two choices, address and change or suck it up and accept you'll never be happy

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Let me just give you a piece of advice. If you ask a girl out, and she rejects you, but still wants to be your friend. You have to put some barriers up.

Tell her straight up "You didn't want me part of your romantic life, and that's fine, but that means you cannot talk to me about your romantic life." You can still be her friend, talk, hang out, help her through stuff all you want. But lay down the line that you won't be that shoulder to cry on about that jerk she picked over you.

Other than that, try and move on. It hurts, and it sucks, but eventually you will get over her.

I'm sorry but a friend saying "Don't talk about your romance" really doesn't sound like a friend at all!

[BigSarge04]

I had to access an old email to reset my password to change my email address just to reply to this topic. You got stuck in the firend zone and are 22. Take it from someone that has been there, do NOT argue with with her, do NOT make grand gestures, or try to be really super nice, etc. You need to understand her point of view. Sure you can be upset and not like it, but you do have to accept it. Most girls don't like guys who are "too avalible" either. If you always responded no matter what time she'd send messages, it shows that all you do is wait to hear from her. There's PLENTY of other chicks that will have similar interests like yourself, it's okay, I promise.

[Docturphil]

...She tells me: “no” more or less since she’s ‘Vibing’ with another dude at the moment (they’re just fucking, no romance as far as I know). And I say okay, in the deluded hopes that after a few more months she’ll feel something for me.

Dafuq? Seriously?

Good God man, have some self respect. She's fucking another dude. Move on.

You're not being friend-zoned by women. You're friend-zoning yourself. If you want a relationship with this girl and she doesn't want a relationship with you stop wasting so much fucking time with her. Move on to someone else.

1) Sexually (I have some fetishes she knows about and she thinks she’s too vanilla to able to be able to deliver on them. I try and argue the other side to no avail).

OK, unless I'm misunderstanding what a "kissless virgin" is, how the fuck do you have any idea what your fetishes really are? Watching porn and actually having sex are completely different. Why don't you just start with actual regular sex and go from there?

Finally found the –perfect- girl and end up crushed.

Don't be so dramatic. Trust me, she was not the perfect girl for you. If she was you guys would be together. Grow some thicker skin and move on. This won't be the last time you'll be rejected. The important thing is being able to pick yourself up and move on.

[Mistame]

I had to stop reading pretty much at "22" and "virgin". I don't even know anyone that was a virgin at 18, much less 22. Hell, I started at 14. Good times!

[Powerogue]

Just some high standards

There's your problem.

[Docturphil]

I had to stop reading pretty much at "22" and "virgin". I don't even know anyone that was a virgin at 18, much less 22. Hell, I started at 14. Good times!

Lost mine at 22. Not a big deal. No shame in that. Probably has a lot to do with how you are raised and where you grow up.

[purebalance]

When did this site become someones pity blog site? Dude move on, don't waste your time and grow up.

I mean when did this become half of what it has become is the better question.

[Docturphil]

There's your problem.

I didn't translate anything he was saying as having high standards. Seems he's got quite the opposite if he's willing to get into a relationship with a girl that's casually having sex with some other dude that she's "vibing" with at the same time he's trying to get with her. I'm guessing "high standards" to him means she's physically good looking and probably not much else.

[Evil Midnight Bomber]

How can you have fetishes when you never even kissed a girl, yet alone had sex? What the hell do you know whats turns you on when you never tried anything more than a hand.

Well, you know how some people say that watching porn leads to kids having "unhealthy ideas" about sex? Well, this would be an example that those people would use.

[Mistame]

There's your problem.

There's nothing wrong with having high standards. There's no rational reason to be with someone you're not attracted to. Besides, if more people had higher standards, there would be a lot less low-quality people.

Lost mine at 22. Not a big deal. No shame in that. Probably has a lot to do with how you are raised and where you grow up.

I meant to imply that it's uncommon. You're right, though.

[Docturphil]

She messages me first. Always. I never start the conversation.

That doesn't mean jack shit. Really depends on the person.

So far the consensus is to cut her out of my life. Which is probably going to hurt more than her saying no but, I guess it would be stupid to not do it when everyone is telling me otherwise. Including some close friends.

Again, you're being dramatic. I don't think anyone said to cut her out of your life. They just said "move on", which means you stop trying to pursue a romantic relationship with her.

Now, if you can't handle not trying to pursue a relationship with you if she communicates with you then maybe you do have to cut her out entirely, but you should probably have the self-discipline to be able to do that.

I would definitely not spend as much time on her. Like cut that shit by 90% at least, but you could still be friends with her if that's what you want and if you can handle it. If it starts to become emotionally draining, then yeah, you could probably cut the cord completely.

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I have to say this is definitely the best post and advice. I can speak from experience, from 11 to 23 I was never asked out. didn't care at all because I am smarter than that. I consider people how to get into teen/early relationships as a sort of filter for who is going to fuck their lives up. Get set up 1st then watch the woman come to you.

It's true. As much as women may try and deny it they're usually far more attracted to men who are well off and motivated.

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I think it's hard to wind up dating people just organically from meeting somewhere. Maybe try putting yourself in situations where people are looking for dates? Maybe online dating or something?

You might be right, but my own personal experience was quite the opposite. Online dating always felt too forced for me. I was always trying too hard. Worked better when I didn't have to try and things just happened naturally. Plus, as shallow as it may be, people never looked anything like their pictures.

[Evil Midnight Bomber]

There's nothing wrong with having high standards. There's no rational reason to be with someone you're not attracted to.

I agree with this much of what you said anyway. Which is why the fault of this particular situation lies solely with the OP. She told him straight out that she wasn't attracted to him and wasn't looking for anything from him other that his friendship. From everything he says in the OP she hasn't done anything at all to "lead him on" or "keep him on the backburner" as some others here have suggested.

[Docturphil]

I dont have any advice on this specifically but what i will say, is once you have had your heart smashed, it doesent quite heal the same. You become stronger and "cauterized" if you will. So this huge heartbrake is as bad as it gets. Only up from here and nothing will ever hurt that bad again

If his heart is actually smashed over this then holy fuck he's going to be going down a rough road should he ever experience an actual break up. I hope, for his sake, he's just being overly dramatic about the whole thing. I fail to see how anyone can be so hurt over a relationship which never existed.

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I'm of the opinion that men and women can't be friends. Especially when one of the parties is interested in more than being friends. That's where this all went to shit.
State you intentions, or just get the fuck out.

I disagree. For some people it's very difficult to be just friends without wanting something sexual. But I don't think it's impossible for anyone. However, it does become much more difficult once you begin to have a sexual desire for a particular person to just be friends with them and it becomes damn near impossible once you actually have sex with them.