Cautionary tale of taking too long to get married

[Azadina]

I've heard enough Family Court proceedings to know divorce is worse than breaking off an engagement.

Of course, when marriage is legal contract, and needs to be dissolved by legal means. Engagement on the other hand is just agreement between two people, and isn't recognized by state for any legalities.

I was thinking the same, but then I realized, we don't even know how long Tennisace has been married, do we? If this crusade for marriage comes from a place of having experienced it for at least a couple decades, then I mean, sure, there's some credibility to it. Then again, if it's all from someone who has never been married, then what does it all mean?

I don't mean to be rude, but I honestly don't think he has even had a girlfriend so far, let alone talking about him being married.

So it's just massive projection from his dreams.

[cubby]

I think this more of a "why are people still getting married in this day and age when 50% of them get divorced anyways" sort of thing. To add to that the cost of a wedding (her dress alone was $600) with all that that entails and then for the divorce lawyer, time in court, time you have to take off work for said court dates..... Really getting married is a modern waste of money and time.

You are such a romantic!

That dress cost is really low, btw. And if I understand European culture, they've got it dialed in - usually not married until kids come into the picture.

[xact4]

Her problem was fixation on marriage. Infact, that is everyone's 'problem' is the fixation on marriage. This idea that marriage will make a relationship better with the advent of a fancy dinner and a ceremony and a 'connection' that was always there if anyone bothered to look.

A marriage doesn't make a relationship. People make the relationship. Those two people there? Obviously did not try hard enough. I'm usually against making claims where one should pick themselves up by the bootstraps and move forward, claiming that an individual didn't 'try hard enough', but when it comes to complex social relationships where the only factors are the individual, it's up to those individuals to make the relationship function.

What a good post this person knows what the-

Of course, this is just anecdotal experience from a 7 year long distance relationship with a woman and a 4 year long distance relationship with a man. Infact, both of my lovers seem pretty content with our mutual relationship and don't see it going away anytime soon.

Say what now

[Stonecloak]

I'll tell what people should be cautious of. Marriage itself. Even after many years together, it's possible one or both people could drastically change. The institution of marriage was created when the life expectancy was around 20-30- years. It's plainly obvious, which even statistics will support that you have about a 50/50 chance of the marriage lasting, and if you're not religious, there's even more of a chance it will fail. These rules and guidelines for two people in a couple is too archaic, and needs to be tweaked to be relevant in the 21st century.

[Molis]

Her problem was fixation on marriage. Infact, that is everyone's 'problem' is the fixation on marriage. This idea that marriage will make a relationship better with the advent of a fancy dinner and a ceremony and a 'connection' that was always there if anyone bothered to look.

A marriage doesn't make a relationship. People make the relationship. Those two people there? Obviously did not try hard enough. I'm usually against making claims where one should pick themselves up by the bootstraps and move forward, claiming that an individual didn't 'try hard enough', but when it comes to complex social relationships where the only factors are the individual, it's up to those individuals to make the relationship function.

Of course, this is just anecdotal experience from a 7 year long distance relationship with a woman and a 4 year long distance relationship with a man. Infact, both of my lovers seem pretty content with our mutual relationship and don't see it going away anytime soon, mostly because we've all agreed marriage is a cheap trick to publicly express love and only functionally serves as a series of tax breaks.

Nothing about marriage would make either of my two relationships anymore special than they already are. Screw this woman for thinking it would suddenly vilify or justify those 12 (edit: 14 I guess if you add engagement) years. Cherish those 12(14) years and next time try harder.

I agree with you here. We are not hearing the whole story, but she does seem oddly fixated on "getting married".

It is like the 20 somethings that subscribe to wedding magazines and go to wedding conventions and do not have a mate yet.
It is all strange to me.


Long relationships before marriage can work if you dont get married because society tells you to.

My wife and I were together 10 years before getting married. We wanted to finish college and get our shit together.
When we started talking about kids we got married. Because nobody wants their child to be a bastard

[cubby]

I agree with you here. We are not hearing the whole story, but she does seem oddly fixated on "getting married".

It is like the 20 somethings that subscribe to wedding magazines and go to wedding conventions and do not have a mate yet.
It is all strange to me.

Is that really a thing? Going to wedding conventions before you're even "serious" with someone? Or even dating?

[yurano]

Seriously what do you do with your time? You always come up with extremely random articles from site that I never thought anyone would ever look at.

Some aggregate sites like Yahoo pull from a lot of random small news outlets.

[Killadrix]

This is a dumb post.

Clearly, the sample size of 1 example is enough for the OP to draw conclusions on how long someone should or shouldn't take to get married.

Married my first ex-wife after 6 months of dating, and married my 2nd ex-wife after 5 years. Neither worked out.

The right time to get married is when it's the right time. Trying to assign some kind of dumb time parameter to something which can never truly be defined is silly.

[Molis]

Is that really a thing? Going to wedding conventions before you're even "serious" with someone? Or even dating?

It might not be widespread, but it is a thing. My wife's "best" friend from high school used to do it, and she would try and try to get my wife to go.
When we got engaged jealousy broke up their friendship. Not over me haha, over my wife getting married and her not. She tried to take over everything.

Maybe her friend was just a one off wack job.

[cubby]

It might not be widespread, but it is a thing. My wife's "best" friend from high school used to do it, and she would try and try to get my wife to go.
When we got engaged jealousy broke up their friendship. Not over me haha, over my wife getting married and her not. She tried to take over everything.

Maybe her friend was just a one off wack job.

Lol, the wack-job factor is a consideration. I've heard some hiding-jealousy stories from weddings that are almost literally insane.

I still think this woman was a side-babe though. Not to be rude or sexist but . . . .

[Halicia]

12 years ? Doesn't common law kick in well before then in most places ?

[yurano]

An interesting article written based on Australian Census data: Australia's Man Drought

In particular it discusses the following:

By the age of 35, the numbers are perfectly in balance: 40,000 single men and 40,000 single women. It is only at this time in life that men and women get a true fix on how attractive they really are.

A decade earlier, women get an inflated view as to their attractiveness because there is an oversupply of candidates for their affection. A decade later, it is men’s turn to be deluded about their *attractiveness — because there are more single women than single men at this time.

This imbalance gives rise to a condition known as hotness *delusion syndrome, and it applies equally to women in their 20s as it does to men in their 40s. If there is a man drought, it kicks in at 40 and progressively worsens every year as men die off and as some women and men exercise choices about living singly.

The problem is that, while men and women tend to marry (or partner) in their late 20s on the leeward side of Man Mountain, separation and divorce arrive in a very different world in the late 30s and early 40s. There is a climate change *between these two stages in the life cycle. When single women are canvassing prospective partners in their 20s, there are 20 per cent more single men than women. But when single women look to *re-partner at 40 there are 10 per cent less single men (35,000) than single women (39,000).

Changes in a person's relative attractiveness as they age could explain why despite 12-year relationship, she was suddenly not "good enough" for her fiance.

Assuming the above article has the correct analysis, getting married quickly (eg skipping the 12-year relationship and 2-year engagement) would still lead to the same result: divorce, due to an imbalance of relative attractiveness.

It might not be widespread, but it is a thing. My wife's "best" friend from high school used to do it, and she would try and try to get my wife to go.
When we got engaged jealousy broke up their friendship. Not over me haha, over my wife getting married and her not. She tried to take over everything.

Maybe her friend was just a one off wack job.

Na, women in general are enamored with marriage and weddings. A lot of them have already thought about and started planning their weddings, even before they meet someone. Sometimes, even before they've graduated highschool. Hence, bridezillas.

It makes biological sense though, women are treasuring the defining event that "guarantees" their survival long after their looks have faded. On the other hand, marriage is not worth as much in the modern era.

[cubby]

12 years ? Doesn't common law kick in well before then in most places ?

It might, but most places don't actually enforce that kind of law. I mean, you're probably right, but which party would want to do it, you know what I mean?

[Docturphil]

The pussy might have been good though.

If you stay with someone for 12 years because they're a good lay and then you leave because you don't want to commit you're just a fucking ass hole.

I could understand leaving because sexual activity gradually faded away. That's sort of an important thing in a relationship.

[Tennis]

Of course, when marriage is legal contract, and needs to be dissolved by legal means. Engagement on the other hand is just agreement between two people, and isn't recognized by state for any legalities.



I don't mean to be rude, but I honestly don't think he has even had a girlfriend so far, let alone talking about him being married.

So it's just massive projection from his dreams.

That's pretty rude and offensive. My private life is private. I don't need to inform anyone here about it. You shouldn't make assumptions as I don't about you.

[RyanEX]

I came across this...

https://www.thestar.com/life/relatio...r-wedding.html



How troubling. A 12 year "relationship" and then a 2 year+ engagement period? All for nothing.
What's up with that anyways? If you're gonna get married then go ahead and do it. Why the extremely long engagement period and exorbitant wedding. Clearly the "I'll stay with them a while to make sure they're the right one" strategy isn't a good one. Now this person and others like her are left picking up the pieces and wondering what those last 12 years are worth.

In many cases they end up really angry and bitter and spend a long time trying to erase the other person from their life. A much better plan is to get married soon after meeting the person and go all in. Be committed and sincere.

I've known a couple that lived together for over 20 years. Even had a daughter together before finally tying the knot.

It last barely a year before they split.

[Azadina]

That's pretty rude and offensive. My private life is private. I don't need to inform anyone here about it. You shouldn't make assumptions as I don't about you.

Your private life is private, as long as you keep it that way. However, when you start preaching about something like the way you do about marriage, then you are making it fair game for others to question whether you have personal experience on what you preach, or not. If it turns out you have none whatsoever, then why should anyone take your preaching on the matter seriously?

It's akin to you having also preached about you knowing what's best for women, better than women themselves. Despite you not being one, or having any idea of womens experience. Simply put: your credibility on the matters is shot, if you are unable to back them up with anything other than wild claims.

Oh, and this latter part about what you've preached of women, is not only rude and offensive, but also sexist. So I'd think hard if I were you, before complaining about rude and offensive.

[Nirawen]

I came across this...

https://www.thestar.com/life/relatio...r-wedding.html

How troubling. A 12 year "relationship" and then a 2 year+ engagement period? All for nothing.
What's up with that anyways? If you're gonna get married then go ahead and do it. Why the extremely long engagement period and exorbitant wedding. Clearly the "I'll stay with them a while to make sure they're the right one" strategy isn't a good one. Now this person and others like her are left picking up the pieces and wondering what those last 12 years are worth.

In many cases they end up really angry and bitter and spend a long time trying to erase the other person from their life. A much better plan is to get married soon after meeting the person and go all in. Be committed and sincere.

First off why is it news worthy that either a couple broke up or that break ups can be hard? Next article will be about how it's going to rain somewhere at somepoint.

Why are the 12 years they were together for nothing? They could have been the best 12 years of their lives regardless of whether they got married or not, depends entirely on how those 12 years were spent and those experiences aren't undone by the future.

And why would getting married straight away be better? That would have just led to a divorce or someone being stuck with someone they don't want to be with. People can change over time and breaking up is an entirely healthy option, he probably did them both a favour.

[pateuvasiliu]

Maybe if it wasn't so easy for you to get fucked in a marriage men would be less reluctant.

[pfbe]

$600 for a piece of cloth to put on your head for a few hours, holy... that man dodged a bullet. If you're willing to pay that much money to pretend you're special for a handful of hours, stick to cosplay and leave other people alone.