Should I delete this woman from Facebook? (Long post) FAO Brits and Danes :)

[Dispraise]

Personally I tend to feel that by not choosing her over the friend, you're proving her insecurities right. The friend is more important to you than she is.

I would agree with that assessment, but only insofar as the girlfriend has created a self-fulfilling prophecy. She's conjured a problem out of thin air, where one doesn't actually exist. By feeding into that delusion there's no reason to assume she won't do so again in the future, be it about a coworker or even a random woman on the street. I agree with Winter Blossom, it's not healthy in the long run.

[Mistame]

Unless there's something romantically going on between them, then denying her request to block her isn't proving anything. Normal couples have friends of both genders. Her jealously needs to be addressed, and not by giving in to it. It's a short term fix, to a long term problem. Maybe couples counseling would help.

Not only that, by capitulating, he's effectively letting her know that she can manipulate him and that her irrational behavior is acceptable. Unless he him has done something to cause her to feel insecure, there is no excuse, whatsoever, for her behavior. Period. Using "feelings" as a wedge is the oldest trick in the book. If they can't accept you for who you are, they're not worth your time. Jealousy is a character trait of the sanity-challenged, ie "batshit".

[Forgettable]

Show me a picture of your girlfriend. I bet she has the crazy eyes.

[alzoron]

Strong relationships are built on trust. She doesn't trust you.

[Seirith]

Personally I tend to feel that by not choosing her over the friend, you're proving her insecurities right. The friend is more important to you than she is.

That said I think if things get to this point, something is very much wrong already.

How would you feel if your SO came to you and told you she didn't like X friend because of something that is not an issue in any way and wants you to delete that person and never talk to them again?

This person was a real life friend to him when he lived where she did. Now that he has moved, he keeps in touch with her via messages.

All of my husbands immediate coworkers are female. They are all on his Facebook. I am not going to make him delete them for some made up reason that isn't true. I trust that he loves me and isn't going to cheat. There are many people important to him in his life, just as I have many people important to me in my life. Him talking to a female does not make me less important, it means we all have people in life besides out spouse. He choose to be married to me and only friends with everyone else.

[Zuben]

While you may understand why your girlfriend has trust issues, it's no reason to allow her to dictate your friendships. If this is a persisting issue, deal with. Always deal with. I bet it beats cutting off someone dear to you from your life. Also, support your girlfriend in getting over her paranoia, you'll both win big time if she succeeds.

[3DTyrant]

Get couple counciling or some shit man. In normal relationships, your partner should have enough trust in you (and vice versa) that you wont cheat on them.

[Xenryusho]

I mean. You don't want to break up, and she's saying either you break up or delete her. What could we possibly tell you that you don't already know? Your girlfriend has issues in a serious way and her shithead friend is just making it worse. She will continue to take and take from you, and her friend will continue to tell her that you dont love her because A, or you're cheating on her because B.

Since you want to stay with her, I'll just give you a glimpse at your future.

1) You lose your friends. You know this, you mentioned it.
2) Even casual acquaintances will start to bother your girlfriend. Soon even people you've spoken to only in passing will fall under suspicion as a possible affair.
3) When you've cut ties with them she'll start to look at the men in your life. Are you gay, doing indescribable things with any new guy pals you find? She'll think about this 24/7 until she confronts you about it. If you're bisexual then this is going to be worse for you so don't let her know if you are. Either way the end result is cutting off all ties with your guy pals.
4) Weekends will spent sitting in your flat watching netflixs and your facebook messages will be barren aside from maybe your mother should your girlfriend not suspect incest and force you to cut ties with her as well.
5) Going out will become a problem. Even brief trips to the store will require a waver and you might be forced to quit your job as not to risk you falling for a co-worker. She'll ensure you this is important and you'll make due with her salary.
6) Money will get tight, she'll be denied luxuries and blame the fact that you put her through this (at this point she's convinced herself that you and your 37 year old friend were in a relationship).
7) As she becomes more bitter and aggresive you'll grow meeker, now that you've sacrificed your family, friends, career, and life for her you can't lose her as well.
8) Her tirades become physical.
9) She starts staying out later and later, leaving you alone in a apartment that resembles a episode of Hoarders. You like the nights she doesn't come home at all, it means no fights.
10) You're waken one morning by the sound of her stuffing her every belonging in a case. She tells you about her lover, it was your fault for making it impossible for her to trust you, after all. He's strong and assertive and everything you aren't, and he has the means to provide for her. As she heads out the door she looks back at you with a look of pity "get your shit together" she says softly as she shakes her head and leaves.

Edit: Btw if you're a girl than just move the genders around as necessary. Controlling and toxic relations can happen to anyone: straight, gay, lesbian...

[Zinstorm]

It basically comes down to this... who do you care about more? life is hard and in the end you can't please everyone. I personally would never abandon my friends...for me that would be my deal breaker. For a relationship to work both sides have to make some compromises but for it to be a good relationship both sides have to have a limit on what they compromise on... otherwise the relationship becomes one sided and one side becomes miserable. You need to decide where your line in the sand is on this situation.

I think you need to look inward and decide what you want more in your life: your current relationship or your old long distance friend. No one here can tell you who is more important for you... you need to decide that yourself which person is more important for you and then let the other person go. It sucks but that is the situation you are in now and you have to make the choice. Just do your best to not choose wrongly and commit to the choice. Good luck whichever you decide and I hope it works out for you.

[Deleted]

Uhm... Facebook? 2017? Let's say your life, and your girlfriend's life is still dictated by the social media and you can't communicate outside of this artificial world filled with facebook game invites, reviews of what your "friends" had for breakfast and pictures of mutual asociates offspring, perhaps she'd have a point.

However in the actual 'shitstain' that is 'real life', honestly, who gives a f*ck. I could complain about how my fiancee still have male friends in England who may call her now and then, but where does that leave me? I'd still have a fiancee who left everything behind and moved to the tiny litte country called Finland to be with me.

Now I'm not trying to be a dick or anything but these are problems people should just shove up a place where the sun doesn't shine and leave it there. Jealousy is a heartless bitch and she's better off left alone.

[Huehuecoyotl]

Your girlfriend has been in abusive and controlling relationships. With people who probably pulled exactly this kind of trick. It may even be that she still conflates this kind of action with "love" in her mind, and is behaving the way she is to show you just how much she loves you. It is toxic behaviour, and going along with it would not be a good step for you or her.

Explain to her that people that are really in love don't need to break contact with their friends. That you would NEVER ask her to do that, because it's a sign of someone wanting control in a relationship and a proper relationship should be a partnership. If necessary, try and find some professional help that can allow her to work through the issues that she clearly still has. Because to me it sounds like in the longer run she will either try and turn your relationship into all her previous ones, damaging you in the process, or she will leave you anyway for someone that treats her the way she still thinks she deserves.

DO NOT go along with her demands. That is the wrong choice for you and her.

[draganid]

just brush her off and tell her to grow the fuck up anytime she brings it up.

[Xargoth6634]

It's pretty easy to advise you to tell her to grow the fuck up (and really, that's pretty good advice), but we're not in your place in a relationship with someone you care about and trying to find a balance. I've never dealt with this myself, but it's gotta be a rough place to be. The problem is, you can't enable her behavior by capitulating unless you want the same thing to happen in the future every time you end up in an innocent friendship with a female, but refusing is just going to confirm your "guilt" to her. If she's not willing to come around and get counseling or be willing to trust you, you're either going to have to call it off or resign yourself to a future of her controlling who you can and can't be friends with.

- - - Updated - - -

<snip>

This was pretty funny. =)

[Diaspar]

Long post by Craakar about personal issues

So, it would seem you're in a relationship with an extremely codependent person.

You've got two options:

• 1. Needs lots of time and patience, short term issues

First of all, break off the relationship. Second, seek help for your ex-girlfriend, in the form of a psychologist or behavioral therapist. They will help her learn how to cope with her previous relationships, betrayals, trust issues and so on. Seeking actual help really will benefit her, but it will take time (perhaps even a long time!) for her to improve. That is the only way things in both your lives will improve. You may stay with her, but not as a boyfriend since she is definitely not ready for something like that. Later on, once she's better able to cope with relationships, she'll be able to clearly decide if she wants to enter one or not.

• 2. Quick and painful, long term issues

If you decide that accepting her demands is the best option, be prepared for growing bitterness, jealousy and increasing emotional insecurities. From both of you, not just from your girlfriend. In situations as you have described them, things never improve after such ultimatums. She will try to be more controlling over various aspects of your life, and if you accept that level of her control - she will become unhappy with you since you're not fulfilling enough. If you try to reject that level of control and attempt to have a normal social life, she will become extremely unhappy and bitter, since you're living a life without involving her, and jealous of the people you spend your time with (while imagining all sorts of implausible scenarios why you'd rather be with them instead of her).

Not an American, Dane or Brit.

I've lived through option number two, both as the person living with someone controlling and as an ex-friend of someone who was involved with an insecure partner. I would definitely not recommend that one. It's possible that things will work out for the better on their own, but with her history of being betrayed, I wouldn't bet on that.