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  1. #41
    I wouldn't have stopped contact with my son ever. That was not a good deal to agree to not see him. I have two sons, ages 4 and 2, and I couldn't imagine just being ok saying "alright, see ya" I would do everything in my power to be able to enjoy time with my children.
    MY X/Y POKEMON FRIEND CODE: 1418-7279-9541 In Game Name: Michael__

  2. #42
    Deleted
    Quote Originally Posted by mvallas View Post



    - - - Updated - - -


    EDIT: Ohhhhhh! I get it, you're assuming by my saying "he's a teenager, so don't give him a choice!" was somehow suggesting it was fine for the kid to choose before? Oh HELLZ no that's not what I meant! I was simply giving him practical reasons why NOW is a bad time based on the reality of the situation. :P The kid honestly shouldn't be making that choice, IMO, until mid-college age level - if even then! :P

    Ya simple misunderstanding lol

  3. #43
    Void Lord Doctor Amadeus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moshrag View Post
    I have a son, saw him untill he was 2 and then broke up with his mother. I was at the birth, changed his dipers, feed him stood awake for nights and so on you get the picture.

    After 2 years the mother and i broke up but i saw my son on neutral ground at his grandparents house. When i met my now wife (11years marrige) the mother of my son started to find reason and started to cause trouble so i couldnt see him anymore. So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him. This is like 10 years ago.

    Now i had to get in touch with the mother regarding entertains i couldnt pay because for the last 1 year of unemployment and i had the feeling that she will never tell my son about me. Now i regret my descision deeply that i broke up the contact and i am thinking about to get contact to him again.

    What you guys think how to tackle this difficult situation? When i saw him last time he just started walking and talking...i must be a complete stranger to him by now.
    You did the best you could, nobody is really the bad guy, and looking back on what you know now is a mistake because you couldn't operate on that then. I would say maybe wait til he is an adult and then try to make contact get up to date on the financial stuff, and see if she would be willing to help you facilitate a meeting between you and him.

    Don't hold that out expecting anything, but try accessing the mother in a real way, and explain, not justify, but make it clear you are willing to work for whatever you are given a chance to.

    Then if you meet up with your son, be prepared for anything, unplug any of your own emotions and just be prepared to listen, even if the kid hates you or has it all wrong, don't hang your head, but be willing to answer any questions as frank as he wants as long as he wants and convey how you feel.


    Sounds already like you are a good guy, but understand if you are going to him, your son being unreasonable might be a reality, but go with it show patience as you seem to know how to do, and earn that trust and go from there.


    Don't apologize if you don't know what you are sorry for, again you don't sound like the bad guy, but kids life, sometimes it's rough, but you have the experience and metal for this more than he will.
    Milli Vanilli, Bigger than Elvis

  4. #44
    Also don't blame all on your ex wife - his mother. She'll be a saint for him and if you "attack" her he'll most probably back off. I'd rather kind of blame it on the situation in the past and that you both couldn't handle it and where fighting. You decided to to break up the contact as you said.... But you didn't forget him.

    As long as there was no violence involved back then every person has their own reasons why he/she does or doesn't do things. Maybe things could have been handled better but it's just human beeings and not a perfect world.

    I think it's more importent what you do in the present. The past isn't entitiled to put any form of punishment on you (i.e. you not beeing allowed to see your son) as long as you current intensions are real and honest.

  5. #45
    Quote Originally Posted by mvallas View Post
    o_O

    Ummm... no

    Physical traits are the most biological. Personality has to do with the childs upbringing and surrounding culture/influence only. Ever watch a documentary on children who grew up in different countries than their father? They become completely different people than their fathers.
    Of course they become different, they only have 50% of the DNA. Identical twins (same DNA) have almost identical upbringings regardless of where one grew up. Adopted children with same upbringing are still completely different.

    Maybe you should read some biology/psychology/neuroscience before having strong certainties.

  6. #46
    Deleted
    Personally I find the whole "Your mum was being a bitch" excuse incredibly weak and convenient for fathers to shun responsibility

  7. #47
    Quote Originally Posted by adam86shadow View Post
    Personally I find the whole "Your mum was being a bitch" excuse incredibly weak and convenient for fathers to shun responsibility
    Really? In many cases the father is not even allowed to see the child by law exactly because the mother was a huge bitch.

  8. #48
    Get legal advice. Not mmo-champion advice

  9. #49
    Deleted
    Quote Originally Posted by Fojos View Post
    Really? In many cases the father is not even allowed to see the child by law exactly because the mother was a huge bitch.
    Untrue

    The father is ALWAYS allowed access unless A. the father is deemed a risk or B. the child doesn't want to see. Contact centres are a thing

  10. #50
    Deleted
    Quote Originally Posted by Fonduset View Post
    Get legal advice. Not mmo-champion advice
    Why? We are multiverse experts with 90% wizards experience.

  11. #51
    I am in a similar position as you......

    Unless the contact was done out of court, breaking it means nothing and even then it might not actually void the contract.

    No matter what your EX may say or do, unless its court ordered, she cannot keep you from your son.

    I say this from my experiences with divorce in the state of Texas. Laws in other states or even countries my vary. The state of Texas will most always side with the woman in a divorce case and she will get her way and there is nothing you can say or do to change it. As long as you dont have special court ordered situations and the woman is denying you of your right to see your child the state will step in to make it happen. Unless you have a special stipulation i suggest you contact your attorney general to find out what steps you should take.

    You need to start seeing your son again now. You cannot wait till he is of age by then it may be too late.

  12. #52
    Quote Originally Posted by Moshrag View Post
    I have a son, saw him untill he was 2 and then broke up with his mother. I was at the birth, changed his dipers, feed him stood awake for nights and so on you get the picture.

    After 2 years the mother and i broke up but i saw my son on neutral ground at his grandparents house. When i met my now wife (11years marrige) the mother of my son started to find reason and started to cause trouble so i couldnt see him anymore. So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him. This is like 10 years ago.

    Now i had to get in touch with the mother regarding entertains i couldnt pay because for the last 1 year of unemployment and i had the feeling that she will never tell my son about me. Now i regret my descision deeply that i broke up the contact and i am thinking about to get contact to him again.

    What you guys think how to tackle this difficult situation? When i saw him last time he just started walking and talking...i must be a complete stranger to him by now.
    Coming from the son's point of view in this situation, it is probably too late now. You should leave the son alone unless he really appears to need your help. If the son seeks you out on his own, I would say to do everything you can for them. Spend time with them, try to get to know them, otherwise I would say leave them alone and let old wounds remain healed. The kid was probably screwed up some by not having a dad. He probably worked through it on his own. Seeing you again would probably reopen these wounds.

  13. #53
    Quote Originally Posted by adam86shadow View Post
    Untrue

    The father is ALWAYS allowed access unless A. the father is deemed a risk or B. the child doesn't want to see. Contact centres are a thing
    the unfortunate part is that this is actually true. it varies state to state, but is some states and depending on the attorney general the woman can request this and be granted it based on heresay facts. the attorney general will not question the statement and unless your prepared to pay a lawyer to fight the request you are SOL. Just to throw this out there too, this is all free for the woman, while the man has to pay court costs to fight the decisions.

  14. #54
    Dreadlord Dys's Avatar
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    "I love you son, see you in 10 years!"

    My "dad" pulled that shit. Started showing up when I was 10 or 11, every 4-6 months. He'd come around, buy me some stupid shit, usually a toy or video game, then slink back off in to obscurity. I guess that counted as effort and parenting to him, since he had the nerve to ask me to go live with him and take part in his business once I turned 18. It was very easy to turn him down and simply never worry about talking to him again. To me, he's just some dude that didn't want his money, because that's the narrative that he established with his actions and methods.

    Take it from someone who was the kid in that situation, if you want him to love and respect you, show up weekly. Go to his school events, sport matches, whatever the hell he is doing. Support him by being there. Your presence will show your feelings more than any other thing you can possibly do for him. If you can't make it, call him and let him know, don't just blow him off. Don't simply just give him stuff to try to win him over either, or you'll become that "dude that doesn't want his money". Be a DAD, not a dud like mine was. Work hard at the relationship, be consistent and be mindful of his needs while keeping a tab on his wants for those special rewards, and you'll get to be a real father eventually.

  15. #55
    Quote Originally Posted by Symphonic View Post
    I wouldn't have stopped contact with my son ever. That was not a good deal to agree to not see him. I have two sons, ages 4 and 2, and I couldn't imagine just being ok saying "alright, see ya" I would do everything in my power to be able to enjoy time with my children.
    My thoughts exactly. I couldn't stand the thought of being away from my son. The thought of even split custody would be crushing, but thats the route some have to take.

    I want to tell the OP to fight for his son but if he could just be fine walking away for ten years then I'm not sure what to actually think. When he asks "Why did you leave?" do you really think "Me and your mum broke up and it was just easier this way" is going to do him any good to hear?

  16. #56
    Deleted
    Quote Originally Posted by Dys View Post
    "I love you son, see you in 10 years!"

    My "dad" pulled that shit. Started showing up when I was 10 or 11, every 4-6 months. He'd come around, buy me some stupid shit, usually a toy or video game, then slink back off in to obscurity. I guess that counted as effort and parenting to him, since he had the nerve to ask me to go live with him and take part in his business once I turned 18. It was very easy to turn him down and simply never worry about talking to him again. To me, he's just some dude that didn't want his money, because that's the narrative that he established with his actions and methods.

    Take it from someone who was the kid in that situation, if you want him to love and respect you, show up weekly. Go to his school events, sport matches, whatever the hell he is doing. Support him by being there. Your presence will show your feelings more than any other thing you can possibly do for him. If you can't make it, call him and let him know, don't just blow him off. Don't simply just give him stuff to try to win him over either, or you'll become that "dude that doesn't want his money". Be a DAD, not a dud like mine was. Work hard at the relationship, be consistent and be mindful of his needs while keeping a tab on his wants for those special rewards, and you'll get to be a real father eventually.
    Hoped for a reply like that, thank you sir.

  17. #57
    Why would you ever break off contact? You basically fucked yourself. You can't walk back those 10 years.

    Dunno what to tell you but I'm not feeling much sympathy for that idiotic and maintained decision.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dextroden View Post
    You are a carbon copy of what you long so hard to fight in the streets. An extremist. Someone so desperate for strife to prove you are the ubermensch, err, Real American.

    Alt lite. Sounds like you're having an alt fright. Unable to sleep at alt night. Maybe you should relax and fly an alt kite. Go down to the diner for an alt bite. You shouldn't be treating people with alt spite. Eventually, everything will be alt right.

  18. #58
    I was the son in same kinda of a scenario. My mom and dad broke up like when i was 6. Didn't hear from my father anything in 12 years, my mom allways told me not to talk to my father, he's a bad man. But when i got to age of 18, i looked up my father in facebook, contacted him and few months later i moved in with him and his wifey. Best choise of my life! So don't worry, when the time is right, you can look him up or wait him to look you. It will happen eventually, i can guarantee that.

  19. #59
    Quote Originally Posted by adam86shadow View Post
    Untrue

    The father is ALWAYS allowed access unless A. the father is deemed a risk or B. the child doesn't want to see. Contact centres are a thing
    And who is the one who determines that the child doesn't want to see the father? The mother. Who do people believe? The mother.

    Quote Originally Posted by Dys View Post
    "I love you son, see you in 10 years!"

    My "dad" pulled that shit. Started showing up when I was 10 or 11, every 4-6 months. He'd come around, buy me some stupid shit, usually a toy or video game, then slink back off in to obscurity. I guess that counted as effort and parenting to him, since he had the nerve to ask me to go live with him and take part in his business once I turned 18. It was very easy to turn him down and simply never worry about talking to him again. To me, he's just some dude that didn't want his money, because that's the narrative that he established with his actions and methods.

    Take it from someone who was the kid in that situation, if you want him to love and respect you, show up weekly. Go to his school events, sport matches, whatever the hell he is doing. Support him by being there. Your presence will show your feelings more than any other thing you can possibly do for him. If you can't make it, call him and let him know, don't just blow him off. Don't simply just give him stuff to try to win him over either, or you'll become that "dude that doesn't want his money". Be a DAD, not a dud like mine was. Work hard at the relationship, be consistent and be mindful of his needs while keeping a tab on his wants for those special rewards, and you'll get to be a real father eventually.
    How was the relationship between your parents? I know in many cases the child is quick to take sides when the one they stay with is the one stopping contact.
    Last edited by Fojos; 2017-08-11 at 09:54 PM.

  20. #60
    Quote Originally Posted by smooshtheman View Post
    He will have some built up emotions and may be upset with you, especially if the women is brainwashing him like they all do.
    Now now, don't speak for all of us. I left my daughters father years ago (and I come from a divorced family) and I never bad mouth her father in front of her and I don't brain wash her either.

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