The Encylopedia Blizzanica

[Djspw]

Accessible - Easily understandable by people who have never played a game before ever.

Activision (the) - A paramilitary organization that we merged with a few years ago. They seem nice, but we still aren't sure what the armored suits with the huge 'A' and skull logo are for. Or why our interns keep vanishing.*

Annual Pass - A jumbo patch slapped over the hull of WoW to prevent further subscription leakage. Promising a free copy of D3 and access to the MoP beta, many fans only saw 'D3', 'free' and 'Beta' and jumped on board.*

Andariel - We designed this boss to kill players who spent too much time staring at her...assets to avoid her nova.

Asmodan - The Lord of Sin. We believe he is in charge of managing the microtransaction department at present.

Baal - The Lord of Destruction. We put this guy in charge of the department working on Boss Fatalities, the Mystic, Coloured Lighting, Runes as Items, Skill Trees, Day/Night changes, dynamic weather and the 6th class. We stand by this decision.

Battlenet 2.0 - Disguised as a platform for which all of our games can be interconnected, it is really a clever way for us to eliminate all forms of communication amongst our customers, lest they conspire to ask for things like 'balance' or 'additional features'.

Beliel - The Lord of Lies. Currently employed as head of PR and marketting for Diablo 3.

Beta - Never has half an hour of game content caused so many people to go entirely apecrap. We need to find a way to monetize this.*

Beta Contest - Despite our 'random is fair' opt-in process, we believe that forcing players to jump through hoops, sign up to social media they do not want and subscribe to gaming sites they have never even heard of is a far better idea.*

Beta Patch - A simple numerical increase with minor system twiddling purely to keep hype alive. 14 down, 28 to go!

Bobby Kotick - Currently believed to be the host of the prime evil Diablo. His coming marks the start of the Funocalypse - the end of all fun on earth.*

Customer - A four legged plant eating mammal that produces milk. Our goal is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo.
Also see. Cattle.*

Customization - Formerly referred to creating unique, fun characters through various schemes. However, this required forethought and permanent choices - two traits that we deem our customers are unable to possess. Thus, we have redefined "customization" to mean the singular ability to buy gear from the auction house and have the customers' characters hold said gear.*

Diablo - The Lord of Terror. Currently occupying the form of the Sovereign, Bobby Kotick.

Diablo 2 - A hilarious experiment designed for griefers, bots, scammers and hackers. Hopefully if we give them this they will stay there and not bother the rest of our games.

Diablo 3 - A gothic ARPG themed Casino. However after removing transaction fees, the Activision is concerned that Diablo 3 will not be profitable and are holding it back while they find some ways to add Microtransactions to Boss Farming.*

Duriel - No one knows how the real final boss of Diablo 2 snuck into act 2. His task was to frustrate the living hell out of casters and ranged characters before they got their decent spells. His full title is "Duriel: Lord of Pain in the @#!".*

Forums (the) - These were designed to allow designers to feel like Greek gods, watching the misery and consternation caused by every word they spoke. Currently they serve as a wastebin for feedback, criticism and discussion so that we don't need to read it.

Inferno Mode - Our substitute for real endgame content. Players can enjoy running through the same content they have just completed three times, only now with higher numbers!

Lan - A false memory implanted by our competitors. The Lan never existed in any form and evidence to the contrary is part of an elaborate conspiracy. The technology just isn't there yet.

Loot - The centre of the gaming universe. These magical collections of pictures and numbers have in the past inspired lawsuits, murders, divorce, brawls, real money transactions, oral favours and tons and tons of QQ. It also follows laws of it's own that frequently differ from the laws of physics. Adventurers are frequently shocked the first time they swat the mosquito which has just landed on their ear and it proceeds to drop a three hundred kilogram battleaxe.*

Mists of Pandaria - Our attempt to cash in on the Pokemon phenomenon and give WoW players a reason to pay 40$. If we can twist the arms of people subscribed to the 1 Year Deal into doing the same, fantastic.

Oceania - Much like the Lan, this does not exist. Players claiming to be from here are an anomaly and can be safely ignored for the purposes of Beta waves, maintenance times and server location. Why do sheep need servers anyway?

Polishing - Still overhauling key systems and fixing serious bugs.*
See: Almost Finished.

Release Date - A mythical creature often discussed but never seen in the wild.

Runes - A powerful skill customization system for Diablo 3 aimed at letting players specialize and level how they wanted to. However the initial system was too complicated for Zarhym's Grandmother to understand and so we tacked on an arbitrary level requirement to the runes and replaced the whole thing with the skill system from WoW.

Starcraft - For some reason this became a national sport of a country. We are not quite sure how to undo this. Even taking 50% of the profits from tournaments hasn't discouraged them, forcing us to continue to balance and refine it. If you have any suggestions as to a replacement, please let us know.

Soon - Sometime within the next 5 years, although it may be longer.

Titan - The Titan Project started as a successor to WoW. However under the Activision we believe it has evolved into some kind of supersoldier experiment deep in the bowels of Blizzard HQ. We generally supply one or two test subjects a week and let them get on with it. Please ignore the screams.

Warcraft 3 - Where we get the majority of our World of Warcraft stories, engine and assets.*

World of Warcraft - Our cash cow. For some reason we cannot quite understand not only will people pay 15$ a month to keep playing this, they will also spend as much on a sparkly horse mount or a server transfer. These days we primarily leave Jim and the new employees to keep an eye on things while fishing.
Also see: Cash Machine.

Zarhym - Blue Poster in possession of a bad $#! Grandmother!

Zarhym's Grandmother - She showed up one day and Zarhym suggested we make her our lead game tester for Diablo 3. We weren't sure...but she was such a nice old lady that we couldn't really say no. Now Bobby says that all systems must be easily understood by her or simplified. We'll get on it once we get her to stop feeding the mouse and attempting to plug her typewriter in.

[Caiada]

Some funny, some bitchy. Feels like you took yourself too seriously for a number of the entries. The Duriel one was the best. 6/10.

[Djspw]

thnx for ur feedback

[Djspw]

Let's try our best then !

[Hyve]

I smiled. Some of it seems stupid, but for the most part funny. 7/ 10

[Primernova]

Gold star OP.

/inb4lock

[Djspw]

glad to hear that

[jibbyjackjoe]

I laughed, but where is this "cattle" definition. I couldn't find it.

What is this "Pokemon" you also speak of...I've never heard of it...

[Djspw]

to be continued

[Djspw]

The Pokemon - U will see in MOP - the fighting pets....

[Deleted]

it should be continued

[Djspw]

First part http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...dia-Blizzanica


Deckard Cain - Senile, mysterious old bugger that tells hero what to do. Totally not going to turn out to be a bad guy, some kind of god, or die. Totally.

Demon Hunter - Originally pitched as 'hunter' but the forums seem to be allergic to anything even sharing a name with something from WoW. So we stuck a 'demon' on the front, gave him an emo fringe and a coat of black paint. No one will notice, right?

Heart of the Swarm - We really just made a few new maps and an extra unit or two per side. Tack on a two year delay and we are confident that people will pay money for it.

Magic Find - This stat actually has no effect whatsoever on the frequency of item drops, and hasn't since Diablo 2. For some reason, no one has noticed yet.

Mephisto – The most popular boss of all time due to an unfortunate accident that replaced his body with a giant pinata filled with Loot. He became so famous that in 1.10 he was able to afford several extensions and new wings to his Durance.

Monk - The winner of our Diableard contest was offered employment as a prize. We beleive he was a roadie from ZZ Top.

PvP - If we attempt to make it a super balanced E-Sport, it causes QQ. If we announce that we are not supporting or balancing it, it causes QQ. If we leave it out altogether, it causes QQ. Plans are currently to release the new Steelseries Diablo 3 Morningstar Mouse, hold a regional tournament in an abandoned basement somewhere, yell FIGHT! and hopefully the problem will fix itself.

Terms Of Use - Keep scrolling until you can click agree. Ignore the sections labelled "Volunatary Soul Forfeiture" and "First Born Enslavement Protocol".

Uber Tristram - Fans were astounded when we announced that we were introducing 'group required' content to Diablo 2 despite numerous promises to the contrary. We responded to the complaints by adding the best items in the game to this content.

Working As Intended - We have no idea how to fix it. Also See: Creative Use Of Game Mechanics.

Witch Doctor - Adding some much needed diversity to the all-caucasian line-up from D2. Fortunately Whitney was still willing to work for drugs.

Wizard - Another individual hired under our 'racial diversity' mandate. Schoolgirl outfit will be added later as a microtransaction.



Merged, please keep it all in the same thread!

[Pebrocks The Warlock]

I found none of that funny or worth reading.

[justf0rnow]

.

PvP - If we attempt to make it a super balanced E-Sport, it causes QQ. If we announce that we are not supporting or balancing it, it causes QQ. If we leave it out altogether, it causes QQ. Plans are currently to release the new Steelseries Diablo 3 Morningstar Mouse, hold a regional tournament in an abandoned basement somewhere, yell FIGHT! and hopefully the problem will fix itself.

Terms Of Use - Keep scrolling until you can click agree. Ignore the sections labelled "Volunatary Soul Forfeiture" and "First Born Enslavement Protocol".

I peed a little when i read those... More please or else, ill QQ

[Nobar]

Dis is funny. Do more. Nobar demands so.

[Djspw]

I'm happy that u guys like this thread