1. #1

    Addressing Possible Social Issues

    Hey guys, Need some advice on this situation that has been going on for almost nine years.

    I seem to be very anti social in certain situations. While I can be comfortable whith a select few friends, When we go out in bigger social settings I tend to be the quiet one.

    I personally have never been to a night club (Which is strange considering i am almost 20 and am a college student.) Because I never had fun at the teen ones when I was younger for the very reason put above.

    Worst of this situation is that this situation expands to the opposite sex. I have never seemed to talk to girls very well.

    Any advice on this?

  2. #2
    Moderator Kasierith's Avatar
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    You're a social introvert... its just part of your personality. If you want to get close to a girl, do it through peripheral events... study with a girl you like a lot until you feel comfortable talking to her. Do mutual activities such as clubs. Get to know her on a level you're comfortable with before going on to a close, personal relationship.

    Also, don't force yourself to go to night clubs if you don't really want to, everyone is different, and if that kind of scene doesn't appeal to you there's not much that can be done about it.
    “…the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.”
    XKCD is always relevant. Always.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Kasierith View Post
    You're a social introvert... its just part of your personality. If you want to get close to a girl, do it through peripheral events... study with a girl you like a lot until you feel comfortable talking to her. Do mutual activities such as clubs. Get to know her on a level you're comfortable with before going on to a close, personal relationship.

    Also, don't force yourself to go to night clubs if you don't really want to, everyone is different, and if that kind of scene doesn't appeal to you there's not much that can be done about it.
    Thats the thing, I wanna get into nightclubs, but i just cant seem to come up with ice breakers to meet people and get things moving socially. Also what is a social Introvert? Ty for commenting btw

  4. #4
    Moderator Kasierith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bigzoman20 View Post
    Thats the thing, I wanna get into nightclubs, but i just cant seem to come up with ice breakers to meet people and get things moving socially. Also what is a social Introvert? Ty for commenting btw
    If you want a full and detailed explanation, as well as one not filled with holes, than a behavioral psychologist is your best bet.. but I'll do my best. I know physiology, not psychology

    Essentially, a social introvert is distanced from others. He approaches situations cautiously, weighing what will happen with every word and action. Although social introverts do socialize with others, its in a limited capacity; in smaller groups and circles, where his identity is already established. Take a social introvert out of that established area, by meeting new people or associating with a different circle... and he feels out of place and disconnected. This causes associating with large groups hard. Continue that to stressful situations that he isn't used to, such as associating with a woman, and there is even more discomfort because that is far outside of the normal established place. The reason for this is that social introverts have an internal locus of control... while most people are changed by the things around them, and are thus able to adapt to social situations and maneuver within them, social introverts must change themselves, and hope that their new change will be able to cope with whats going on around them. Change comes from within, not without, so even hard social pressures have little effect
    Do you also have problems with public speaking? Or with telephones?

    An example of this... someone learns a one liner. That person goes up to a woman, says that, and the woman responds the way he does. The next day, that person goes up to another woman, and says it. This woman reacts in a completely different way than the previous woman did, and against what he expected. A person who is a social extrovert will have his behavior influenced by this, and mold into the situation... take what the woman said and adapt in order to continue the conversation. A person who is a social introvert will not be thus affected... her change in the pattern would not influence his behavior. So either he would have to have a fallback plan already established in case it falls apart, or the conversation itself will fall apart
    Last edited by Kasierith; 2012-03-10 at 04:48 AM.
    “…the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.”
    XKCD is always relevant. Always.

  5. #5
    I like to speak publicy. Ive been complimented by teachers about my speaking. They think I shoud make a career out of it. And judging by your explanation i may not to introverted 100 percent. Could this mean that there may be another problem? Im not sure

  6. #6
    Moderator Kasierith's Avatar
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    In general, being antisocial in large groups and when meeting new people, while being active and responsive in small groups, added on to having difficulty with establishing emotional relationships with the opposite sex, is a sign of a social introvert. It's part of a soft science.. most of discussing it is meant to apply to most of the people under it, not all, and the more specific you get the more people you exclude. I know that much for certain, but I don't think I've ever even read a book on this aspect of behavioral psychology in English, so the background behind it is a bit fuzzy
    “…the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.”
    XKCD is always relevant. Always.

  7. #7
    i am 23 and in the same boat as you Bigzoman20, i am a quiet person who has a small group of close friends in which i talk to, when im in a big group i tend to be the one who kind stands back and is quiet. i also have ALOT of trouble expressing my emotions outside of my comfort zone to even my family.

    for example, throughout my high school years i hardly ever went to any parties, clubs, or hung out or talked to anyone outside of my small group, when a girl would come up to me and talk to me, i would give short and straight foward answers bearly looking at the girl mostly at the floor. my small group of friends we occasionally hung out and smoked in which they noticed i tend to open up more when i did smoke.

    i hit college and started off the same but was lucky enough to meet my college best friend "ryan" who who also smoked, pushed me to come out to parties with him, he pushed me to talk to new people, actually have a full conversation with them. pushed me to open up, the more and more i opened up at the parties the more and more i started to realize how much fun it was outside of my comfort zone.

    i am perfectly fine with public speaking always have been, some people are just observers in large groups, imo it will help you in the long run cause if you pay attention you will learn how to read people. which is how i got my Girlfriend i have now, i learned how to read people by observing other people, i was able to see how they adapt to social change. i tend to adapt by playing off of body language and tone which works for me.

    to this day im still a bit introvert, but i find it helps that instead of looking at everything around the person you are "talking" to its better to look them in the eyes, for me it helps me a bit, i tend to notice taht when you look people in the eyes they get REALLY into the conversation and it becomes MUCH easier to keep the conversation going.

    btw i HATE nightclubs, i hate the idea of them...so ya ive never been to one

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Kasierith View Post
    snip
    Wow this explained me perfectly, I always have a whole conversation planned out before I have them and I hate talking on the phone. I will always meet someone and when I become good friends with them they tell me they thought I was shy and I guess I just didn't know how to talk to them lol.

  9. #9

  10. #10
    Just to point something out:

    Introverts have less problems giving speeches or reading, because they usually aren't expecting topic-changing questions, interruptions, and in general, it is not a conversation. It is even easier in front of people you know (Like classmates), because you know what to expect from them to a point.

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