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  1. #1

    Don't understand her..

    hello,

    so ive been talking to this girl for some time now. everything has been great. been on a few dates, both like each other, etc. said she needed more time to process things and wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple. told her no relationship is perfect as it requires work. bumps and roadblocks come with relationships, and the more you overcome, the stronger you both will be in the long-run.

    with that said, we typically talk 1-2 times a week which is fine; however, if i dont talk to her in a week then she assumed that im not interested anymore. there is nothing that says that the guy has to do all the communicating, right? sure she likes to email, text, etc.. but i think actual verbal communication (e.g hearing voices, talking things out) is the best way to see how both parties are feeling.

    so basically i look like the bad guy when i dont communicate with her as much as she wants, yet i am a busy guy. what is stopping her from picking up the phone and calling? i just dont see how things can go one way and not the other. so she wants me to talk to her as if we're official when we're not.. she wants to eat her cake and have it too.. until we hit the next level, that can not be the case.

    should i just chill on reaching out to her? i even voiced my opinion on verbal communication but she still feels happy with mainly emailing. gets mad/pissed/concerned if i dont reach out to her as much when my number is right there in her phone.

    i know she got out of a bad relationship about a year ago (they were together for 2.5 years) but i am not her ex and she can not remain paralyzed over her past. if she can not move on from that, should i even bother?

    im really frustrated right now.

  2. #2
    IMO you should tell her that you are there for her, when she wants to talk to you then she needs to pick up the phone and dial it. Explain that you want to move onto the next step in the relationship and feel that you are the only one making a effort to "keep in touch via voice" and you feel she isn't commiting. I would personally stop talking to her via voice unless she calls you, let her know that you are busy and now want her to show you that she is ready to commit to a relationship with you. Your not asking for marriage but get her to understand you feel its one sided and that you can't keep going that way. Just my opinion bad relationships I can understand but she has to start moving on otherwise she won't be happy with anyone, it will be a slow process but it has to start somewhere.

  3. #3
    Legendary! UncleSilas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dextersbasement View Post
    hello,

    so ive been talking to this girl for some time now. everything has been great. been on a few dates, both like each other, etc. said she needed more time to process things and wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple. told her no relationship is perfect as it requires work. bumps and roadblocks come with relationships, and the more you overcome, the stronger you both will be in the long-run.

    with that said, we typically talk 1-2 times a week which is fine; however, if i dont talk to her in a week then she assumed that im not interested anymore. there is nothing that says that the guy has to do all the communicating, right? sure she likes to email, text, etc.. but i think actual verbal communication (e.g hearing voices, talking things out) is the best way to see how both parties are feeling.

    so basically i look like the bad guy when i dont communicate with her as much as she wants, yet i am a busy guy. what is stopping her from picking up the phone and calling? i just dont see how things can go one way and not the other. so she wants me to talk to her as if we're official when we're not.. she wants to eat her cake and have it too.. until we hit the next level, that can not be the case.

    should i just chill on reaching out to her? i even voiced my opinion on verbal communication but she still feels happy with mainly emailing. gets mad/pissed/concerned if i dont reach out to her as much when my number is right there in her phone.

    i know she got out of a bad relationship about a year ago (they were together for 2.5 years) but i am not her ex and she can not remain paralyzed over her past. if she can not move on from that, should i even bother?

    im really frustrated right now.
    I highlighted the points that make me jump to this assumption: She's not worth it.

    She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

    Edit: Why is it that every woman I know or have heard of has just gotten out of a "bad relationship"? And is now messing with some guys head?
    Last edited by UncleSilas; 2012-04-10 at 02:10 PM.

  4. #4
    You'll never understand women. The moment you think you do, they'll think up some new ass backward way of twisting things around and expect you to read their minds and act accordingly.

    Also, she sounds overly obsessive about some things. If she's this neurotic about contact and things being perfect now, what do you think she'll have in store for you later?

  5. #5
    The Lightbringer Simulacrum's Avatar
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    If you "don't understand" someone you shouldn't be with them, unless you want to 'accidentally' 'get' pregnant and be stuck in yet another loveless relationship where you both start hating each other after a couple of years and get a separation followed by custody fights and all that jazz.

  6. #6
    You're saying that she came out of a bad relationship, so I kinda understand:
    Quote Originally Posted by dextersbasement View Post
    said she needed more time to process things and wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple..
    She needs time to get over that before starting a relationship with you. Maybe then you wont be a rebound and can actually be together because you fit together.
    Also I don't really understand what you mean with her getting mad when you tell her your issues or don't give enough attention, does she verbally assault you or does she just get grumpy? Because any girl gets grumpy when you tell 'em what you don't like
    And honestly if I don't talk to my girl in a week, she would assume there is something wrong too and probably be upset. So if you're really are into this girl, give her more attention.
    Just my 2¢.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by UncleSilas View Post
    I highlighted the points that make me jump to this assumption: She's not worth it.

    She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

    Edit: Why is it that every woman I know or have heard of has just gotten out of a "bad relationship"? And is now messing with some guys head?
    These jumped out at me, too.

    Some women like to play games. You have to make the decision if the woman > game. If she is, ask her to stop playing games. If she isn't, move on and find someone that isn't interested in games.

    I respect my wife tremendously for treating our relationship as a relationship, and not some game of cat-and-mouse. Relationships are difficult enough on their own.

  8. #8
    The Patient pouca's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleSilas View Post
    She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.
    I might agree with you but also, is OP really in love with that girl ?
    In my opinion when you're in love, you call 5 times a day, it lasts 1 hour each time and you don't need to say anything important to enjoy the call (you know the usual : " go hang up first - no YOU hang up first - ok I do - but you didn't ! - no I could'nt - etc, etc). I understand why this girl might feel unsecure with this relation.

  9. #9
    Moderator Kasierith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UncleSilas View Post
    I highlighted the points that make me jump to this assumption: She's not worth it.

    She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

    Edit: Why is it that every woman I know or have heard of has just gotten out of a "bad relationship"? And is now messing with some guys head?
    Because the ones who don't mess with guys heads tend to be the ones in stable relationships. That kind of stress will strain any relationship... so women who have more turbulent interpersonal relationship skills tend to hop around more often without forming a solid connection with anyone. Its the same reason why so many people assume women prefer "bad boys" and jerks over nice guys... that isn't so much a universal fact as much as the ones who prefer nice guys usually have relationships already and don't need to form new ones

    But about her, it seems like something you could talk to her about. Communication problems are a pretty common concern in relationships, and you are by no means the only one struggling with it. If she is willing to at least talk to you about it and try to change, than there's a chance. If she's not open to attempting to work things out though, she probably isn't worth it. Relationships are a partnership more than a commitment
    “…the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.”

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by pouca View Post
    I might agree with you but also, is OP really in love with that girl ?
    In my opinion when you're in love, you call 5 times a day, it lasts 1 hour each time and you don't need to say anything important to enjoy the call (you know the usual : " go hang up first - no YOU hang up first - ok I do - but you didn't ! - no I could'nt - etc, etc). I understand why this girl might feel unsecure with this relation.
    could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.

  11. #11
    Legendary! UncleSilas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pouca View Post
    I might agree with you but also, is OP really in love with that girl ?
    In my opinion when you're in love, you call 5 times a day, it lasts 1 hour each time and you don't need to say anything important to enjoy the call (you know the usual : " go hang up first - no YOU hang up first - ok I do - but you didn't ! - no I could'nt - etc, etc). I understand why this girl might feel unsecure with this relation.
    What? I'm not calling my fiance 5 times a bloody day. That's the initial point of a relationship, and quite frankly that's not a big deal.

    After a year that goes away. After 4 years I can confirm that it will never happen again.

  12. #12
    Moderator Kasierith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dextersbasement View Post
    could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.
    Depending on how she broke up with the other person, that is likely the case. Just about anyone who has gone through a breakup after a long term relationships is going to look back and wonder how things got to where they were, especially with bad relationships... there is a measure of guilt of staying with that person long enough for it to go bad, shame in staying in that relationship, worry that the reason it was bad was because of her... numerous other things. But its all general speculation that may not apply to her specific scenario
    “…the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.”

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by dextersbasement View Post
    could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.
    A lot of young women enjoy making the man work for their attention. They feel it's necessary in order to prove that the man is interested. In the end, most of the time it makes for a frustrated man and problems later on down the road if they decide to go further.

    Seriously, don't play the game, man. Unless you enjoy that kind of stuff. Confront her and ask her if she's serious about a relationship. If you're interested in playing games as well, then keep at what you're doing, because the game certainly appears to be on.

  14. #14
    Legendary! UncleSilas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dextersbasement View Post
    could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.
    Because she wants everything to be on her terms. Don't you get it yet? She wants you to do exactly what she wants, when she wants.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by UncleSilas View Post
    What? I'm not calling my fiance 5 times a bloody day. That's the initial point of a relationship, and quite frankly that's not a big deal.

    After a year that goes away. After 4 years I can confirm that it will never happen again.
    After 15 years you want to hang up as fast as possible.

    I kid, I kid!

  16. #16
    She sounds young and immature. My advice would be to move on. Either you'll realize she is not 'the one', or she will realize you were 'the one'. Either way you win. Plenty of fish in the sea.
    When Injustice becomes law, Rebellion becomes duty.

  17. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by UncleSilas View Post
    That's the initial point of a relationship, and quite frankly that's not a big deal.
    Exactly and the OP doesnt even have a relationship yet and has problems calling already.

  18. #18
    Legendary! UncleSilas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kasierith View Post
    Depending on how she broke up with the other person, that is likely the case. Just about anyone who has gone through a breakup after a long term relationships is going to look back and wonder how things got to where they were, especially with abusive relationships... there is a measure of guilt of staying with that person long enough for it to go bad, shame in staying in that relationship, worry that the reason it was bad was because of her... numerous other things. But its all general speculation that may not apply to her specific scenario
    This is very true in some cases, but I'd wager you're just being too kind. I truly doubt that's the case here. If it were the case I'd be all for giving her as much time as needed, but experience would indicate these cases are few and far between.

    ---------- Post added 2012-04-10 at 03:26 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by notintheface View Post
    Exactly and the OP doesnt even have a relationship yet and has problems calling already.
    He what? Has problems calling?? Why call when they're not in a relationship?

    How the hell did you arrive at that conclusion?

  19. #19
    Brewmaster Nurvus's Avatar
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    It feels like she may have been the "bad" in her previous "relationship".
    Why did you create a new thread? Use the search function and post in existing threads!
    Why did you necro a thread?

  20. #20
    Double standards are never acceptable, if you ask me. They may be hard to find, but there are actually plenty of girls out there who will do things fairly and equally, or at least try, instead of expecting you to chase them and do everything yourself while they kick back and do nothing.

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