Women, cant live with them, cant live without them.
Welcome to life and the world of relationships.
Women, cant live with them, cant live without them.
Welcome to life and the world of relationships.
But yes, in general I agree with you, she seems to be having very aggressive responses to his lack in communication, and if she were mature enough to pursue a more developed relationship she would be more interested in a more unifying response rather than a critical one.
“…the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.”
XKCD is always relevant. Always.
there can be two things happening:
a) She does not want you anymore and is doing her best to avoid and shoo you away (and by you being mad, she seems to have accomplish her goal)
b) She for some reason thinks that you need to pamper and be the one pushing this.
Pokemon X FC: 1435-4739-8696 Trainer Name: Evershade
What do you mean by, why call if they're not in a relationship? You don't have to be in a relationship to call someone.
In your shoes, i'd play the game.
Tell her that you stopped a little with the communication because you're falling for her too fast.
And that she is not wanting a relationship, so you're just protecting your feelings.
Unless she doesn't "show" as well feelings and willing to move forward, then you're trying desperate to stay away, because every time you come closer it looks like your heart is going to come out of your chest!
She's just trying to keep you on a leash. She's probably not all that interested but tries to keep YOU around and interested so she can fall back to you when needed. If she was actually interested she would just call/text/whatever because she'd actually have the urge to tell you about how her day/week went and such.
You just don't have that much to talk to with the average person. But if the other person is basically just you but with the opposite equipment, you'll probably have a lot to talk about, forever.
I mean, I may not do 5 calls that are an hour each, but our current one is 13:50:35 (almost 14 hours) and I'm currently listening to him breathing while he's asleep. D'aww.
Anyways this girl probably is used to having someone ignore her and is just trying to make sure you're not going to do it? Why? It's not one bad relationship, it's probably most relationships. The guy becomes significantly less interested after a while. So does the girl, usually. Most of my break-ups have been that slow sort of petering out, rather than any explosions. I do make sure that whoever I'm with WANTS to spend a lot of time with me. See where I said "wants" and not "is willing?" That's because I don't want someone who just likes me enough to deal with it, I want someone who actually wants the same amount of contact as I do. Which means tons of talking, sex until we're exhausted multiple times a day, and constant body contact when in each others' presence. And I want to game, for hours. Sit around in our underwear and play SC2 or run some dungeons on WoW, or just pull out (insert console) and do (insert things). Those are the things I have discovered over time that I wants.
But you need to look at what this girl wants in a relationship. She is probably holding back a little bit to see if you're serious. If what she wants is drastically different than what you want it is probably not going to work. Would you prefer a relationship where checking in once a week is.. okay? If so, then you probably want someone else because we all have different levels of contact needed.
If I didn't hear from my boyfriend for a week I'd assume he was dead because he always runs home the second he's off work and calls me and we stay on the phone until we both wake up the next morning. Of course I'd have frantically called him after he disappeared for about 3 hours unaccounted for.
But as a sidenote, I don't even usually go a week without talking to any of my closer friends, so I think honestly that after a full week of not hearing from you after a date, I would assume you're one of "those guys" that says he'll call but never does, and just be glad I didn't sleep with you, because you probably have herpes from doing the same thing to like 200 other girls.
People learn about what they want from bad relationships. If she was with someone where she felt like she was always less important than everything else, she's discovered that she doesn't want that, and really seems to be just "checking" to make sure that's not the case because she is not prepared to stay with someone ELSE long-term if they are not going to satisfy her needs.
Last edited by neccowafer; 2012-04-10 at 02:57 PM.
Take this to heart: everybody's relationship is different, as with their form of love, and to even hint at their form of love being inferior to yours is an insult in every way. My lover and I do talk quite a bit, but often we don't even need to speak anymore to understand each other.. does that mean we don't love each other, not speaking to understand each other? No. Speaking is only one display of love, and there's millions of ways to do so, which work for different couples.
PS: Sorry to be critical on the matter, but I felt like you were talking down on people without even knowing or understanding them.
Last edited by crylo; 2012-04-10 at 05:24 PM.
"wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple" I'd run, fast.
You have to step back and ask yourself why you have all these expectations of her. Why do you expect her to call you? Are you making a reach for this relationship to work better than it might be destined to? Are you attracted for the wrong reasons? What's the cause of your desire to get into a relationship? It seems like you don't really know why you want what you want. It also seems like you are each expecting two different things from seeing someone (she might not be as serious about starting a new, serious relationship). Don't try to force things like this especially if you're unsure why you're so interested. It sounds like you are in the getting to know someone phase still and need to establish what your communication would be like as friends before you begin to think about what it would be like in a relationship.
I think she is insecure at the moment, that's all. She had a bad relationship that ended not too long ago. I think she doesn't have the security with you yet. In this case, if you really like her, you need to give her that security and that will take more than average effort because of her past.
In my opinion if she really feels loved and wanted, she will pick up the phone and call you also. At this point she will feel as if she is disturbing you in some way, that's why she will not call; in her mind it could have a negative consequence on your feelings about her.
Well you have some work cut out for you, the question is do you think she is worth the effort or do you want to leave it her as she is?
It is up to you.
[I think it was too early for you guys to meet as she is still dealing with emotions of her past experience]
---------- Post added 2012-04-10 at 05:18 PM ----------
There's only one thing you need to know. This is a story which will not make me popular. But once again it bears repeating. I remember years ago(2006?), in World of Warcraft guild chat, one poor fella was struggling with his breakup. He tried to analyze everything, what went wrong, how could this happen, why me, what could I have done differently, the whole nine yards. He enlisted multiple members in helping him analyze what she said here, what she said following that, and even analyzing the analysis in an almost never-ending loop of detective work, trying to figure out...what more that...they could figure out. It was inception at least 5 levels down.
It boiled down to her saying "I don't want a bf right now", which left him knee-deep in emotional processing and simply stuck.
I come in and say this little gem:
"No, she does want a BF. Just not you".
BOOM. Immediately I was deluged with angry tells, guild members petitioning the GM for my gkick, the community in an instant uproar, and I was hero to zero in a millisecond(this was a social guild). How could I be so callous, how dare I say such a terrible thing to a young impressionable lad.
But if people just took a step back and really look at the situation and simplified it down to the bare bones. Not be sidetracked by fancy language, or excuses.
There's 2 things that jump out here.
First, if you want to have a relationship with someone, I'd say 1-2 times a week isn't enough for communication. Further, I can't blame her for thinking you're disinterested after one week of not trying to talk to her.
That being said, it's not all your job. If she's not making an effort, I'd say she's the one who is disinterested, and not really worth the hassle.
Here are some things I have found to be true that may apply to your situation:
There is no right or perfect time, pretending that there is really only means they are stalling. She is interested in someone else and is waiting to see if they are interested back before she commits to you.
Requiring contact be made by you all the time is immature and selfish. She doesn't want to have to answer to you but you HAVE to answer to her? Don't get involved with someone like this.
When someone equates not hearing from you on a regular basis to you not being interested anymore they are a drama queen and wholly insecure with themselves.
Do yourself a favor and dodge that mine field.
I think you'll see this dynamic slowly become less and less common though.
if that's the amount of drama she's bringing in you from being on a couple of dates and communicating once or twice a week: get rid. get rid so fast. in all honesty it sounds like she's keeping you on the backburner because she can't decide whether or not she likes you. even if you're nuts about her, if you begin a relationship in a position of weakness you've set a dangerous precendent, you're going to having to spend your entire time clawing your way back into an equal position