Don't understand her..

[dextersbasement]

hello,

so ive been talking to this girl for some time now. everything has been great. been on a few dates, both like each other, etc. said she needed more time to process things and wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple. told her no relationship is perfect as it requires work. bumps and roadblocks come with relationships, and the more you overcome, the stronger you both will be in the long-run.

with that said, we typically talk 1-2 times a week which is fine; however, if i dont talk to her in a week then she assumed that im not interested anymore. there is nothing that says that the guy has to do all the communicating, right? sure she likes to email, text, etc.. but i think actual verbal communication (e.g hearing voices, talking things out) is the best way to see how both parties are feeling.

so basically i look like the bad guy when i dont communicate with her as much as she wants, yet i am a busy guy. what is stopping her from picking up the phone and calling? i just dont see how things can go one way and not the other. so she wants me to talk to her as if we're official when we're not.. she wants to eat her cake and have it too.. until we hit the next level, that can not be the case.

should i just chill on reaching out to her? i even voiced my opinion on verbal communication but she still feels happy with mainly emailing. gets mad/pissed/concerned if i dont reach out to her as much when my number is right there in her phone.

i know she got out of a bad relationship about a year ago (they were together for 2.5 years) but i am not her ex and she can not remain paralyzed over her past. if she can not move on from that, should i even bother?

im really frustrated right now.

[OrcD3vil]

IMO you should tell her that you are there for her, when she wants to talk to you then she needs to pick up the phone and dial it. Explain that you want to move onto the next step in the relationship and feel that you are the only one making a effort to "keep in touch via voice" and you feel she isn't commiting. I would personally stop talking to her via voice unless she calls you, let her know that you are busy and now want her to show you that she is ready to commit to a relationship with you. Your not asking for marriage but get her to understand you feel its one sided and that you can't keep going that way. Just my opinion bad relationships I can understand but she has to start moving on otherwise she won't be happy with anyone, it will be a slow process but it has to start somewhere.

[Deleted]

hello,

so ive been talking to this girl for some time now. everything has been great. been on a few dates, both like each other, etc. said she needed more time to process things and wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple. told her no relationship is perfect as it requires work. bumps and roadblocks come with relationships, and the more you overcome, the stronger you both will be in the long-run.

with that said, we typically talk 1-2 times a week which is fine; however, if i dont talk to her in a week then she assumed that im not interested anymore. there is nothing that says that the guy has to do all the communicating, right? sure she likes to email, text, etc.. but i think actual verbal communication (e.g hearing voices, talking things out) is the best way to see how both parties are feeling.

so basically i look like the bad guy when i dont communicate with her as much as she wants, yet i am a busy guy. what is stopping her from picking up the phone and calling? i just dont see how things can go one way and not the other. so she wants me to talk to her as if we're official when we're not.. she wants to eat her cake and have it too.. until we hit the next level, that can not be the case.

should i just chill on reaching out to her? i even voiced my opinion on verbal communication but she still feels happy with mainly emailing. gets mad/pissed/concerned if i dont reach out to her as much when my number is right there in her phone.

i know she got out of a bad relationship about a year ago (they were together for 2.5 years) but i am not her ex and she can not remain paralyzed over her past. if she can not move on from that, should i even bother?

im really frustrated right now.

I highlighted the points that make me jump to this assumption: She's not worth it.

She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

Edit: Why is it that every woman I know or have heard of has just gotten out of a "bad relationship"? And is now messing with some guys head?

[Deleted]

You'll never understand women. The moment you think you do, they'll think up some new ass backward way of twisting things around and expect you to read their minds and act accordingly.

Also, she sounds overly obsessive about some things. If she's this neurotic about contact and things being perfect now, what do you think she'll have in store for you later?

[Simulacrum]

If you "don't understand" someone you shouldn't be with them, unless you want to 'accidentally' 'get' pregnant and be stuck in yet another loveless relationship where you both start hating each other after a couple of years and get a separation followed by custody fights and all that jazz.

[notintheface]

You're saying that she came out of a bad relationship, so I kinda understand:

said she needed more time to process things and wants everything to be perfect before officially becoming a couple..

She needs time to get over that before starting a relationship with you. Maybe then you wont be a rebound and can actually be together because you fit together.
Also I don't really understand what you mean with her getting mad when you tell her your issues or don't give enough attention, does she verbally assault you or does she just get grumpy? Because any girl gets grumpy when you tell 'em what you don't like
And honestly if I don't talk to my girl in a week, she would assume there is something wrong too and probably be upset. So if you're really are into this girl, give her more attention.
Just my 2¢.

[pouca]

She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

I might agree with you but also, is OP really in love with that girl ?
In my opinion when you're in love, you call 5 times a day, it lasts 1 hour each time and you don't need to say anything important to enjoy the call (you know the usual : " go hang up first - no YOU hang up first - ok I do - but you didn't ! - no I could'nt - etc, etc). I understand why this girl might feel unsecure with this relation.

[Kasierith]

I highlighted the points that make me jump to this assumption: She's not worth it.

She's clearly not ready for an adult relationship, so don't bother.

Edit: Why is it that every woman I know or have heard of has just gotten out of a "bad relationship"? And is now messing with some guys head?

Because the ones who don't mess with guys heads tend to be the ones in stable relationships. That kind of stress will strain any relationship... so women who have more turbulent interpersonal relationship skills tend to hop around more often without forming a solid connection with anyone. Its the same reason why so many people assume women prefer "bad boys" and jerks over nice guys... that isn't so much a universal fact as much as the ones who prefer nice guys usually have relationships already and don't need to form new ones

But about her, it seems like something you could talk to her about. Communication problems are a pretty common concern in relationships, and you are by no means the only one struggling with it. If she is willing to at least talk to you about it and try to change, than there's a chance. If she's not open to attempting to work things out though, she probably isn't worth it. Relationships are a partnership more than a commitment

[dextersbasement]

I might agree with you but also, is OP really in love with that girl ?
In my opinion when you're in love, you call 5 times a day, it lasts 1 hour each time and you don't need to say anything important to enjoy the call (you know the usual : " go hang up first - no YOU hang up first - ok I do - but you didn't ! - no I could'nt - etc, etc). I understand why this girl might feel unsecure with this relation.

could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.

[Deleted]

I might agree with you but also, is OP really in love with that girl ?
In my opinion when you're in love, you call 5 times a day, it lasts 1 hour each time and you don't need to say anything important to enjoy the call (you know the usual : " go hang up first - no YOU hang up first - ok I do - but you didn't ! - no I could'nt - etc, etc). I understand why this girl might feel unsecure with this relation.

What? I'm not calling my fiance 5 times a bloody day. That's the initial point of a relationship, and quite frankly that's not a big deal.

After a year that goes away. After 4 years I can confirm that it will never happen again.

[Kasierith]

could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.

Depending on how she broke up with the other person, that is likely the case. Just about anyone who has gone through a breakup after a long term relationships is going to look back and wonder how things got to where they were, especially with bad relationships... there is a measure of guilt of staying with that person long enough for it to go bad, shame in staying in that relationship, worry that the reason it was bad was because of her... numerous other things. But its all general speculation that may not apply to her specific scenario

[Deleted]

could you explain why she may feel insecure? Inquiring minds wish to know. I honestly don't know what to do right now.

Because she wants everything to be on her terms. Don't you get it yet? She wants you to do exactly what she wants, when she wants.

[Rawt]

She sounds young and immature. My advice would be to move on. Either you'll realize she is not 'the one', or she will realize you were 'the one'. Either way you win. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[notintheface]

That's the initial point of a relationship, and quite frankly that's not a big deal.

Exactly and the OP doesnt even have a relationship yet and has problems calling already.

[Deleted]

Depending on how she broke up with the other person, that is likely the case. Just about anyone who has gone through a breakup after a long term relationships is going to look back and wonder how things got to where they were, especially with abusive relationships... there is a measure of guilt of staying with that person long enough for it to go bad, shame in staying in that relationship, worry that the reason it was bad was because of her... numerous other things. But its all general speculation that may not apply to her specific scenario

This is very true in some cases, but I'd wager you're just being too kind. I truly doubt that's the case here. If it were the case I'd be all for giving her as much time as needed, but experience would indicate these cases are few and far between.

---------- Post added 2012-04-10 at 03:26 PM ----------

Exactly and the OP doesnt even have a relationship yet and has problems calling already.

He what? Has problems calling?? Why call when they're not in a relationship?

How the hell did you arrive at that conclusion?

[Nurvus]

It feels like she may have been the "bad" in her previous "relationship".

[Itisamuh]

Double standards are never acceptable, if you ask me. They may be hard to find, but there are actually plenty of girls out there who will do things fairly and equally, or at least try, instead of expecting you to chase them and do everything yourself while they kick back and do nothing.

[Deleted]

Women, cant live with them, cant live without them.

Welcome to life and the world of relationships.

[noepeen]

Sounds like she wants to make you take all the effort without regarding/even looking at the points you make.
Drop her, won't end good for you otherwise.

[Kasierith]

This is very true in some cases, but I'd wager you're just being too kind. I truly doubt that's the case here. If it were the case I'd be all for giving her as much time as needed, but experience would indicate these cases are few and far between.

I recognize that I am perhaps being highly lenient with her situation... however, my approach was more addressing the reasoning behind insecurity after bad relationships. I generally disagree with the concept that women in general are highly insecure in relationships and thus universally attempt to play with men's emotions to gain attention. If anyone wishes to press the point, I will also happily point out that men do the exact same thing; the entire concept behind "macho" is essentially a very insecure concept. The idea behind being confrontational, for example, is highly in secure.. if someone confronts you, and you turn away, that undermines your masculinity. So you must at least respond back to protect your manhood, because you are insecure about your stance in the relationship if you do otherwise.

But yes, in general I agree with you, she seems to be having very aggressive responses to his lack in communication, and if she were mature enough to pursue a more developed relationship she would be more interested in a more unifying response rather than a critical one.