Friend of Mine: Ex-BF Troubles. How to help?

[Jackmoves]

A couple of months isn't much to get over a long-term relationship. It doesn't happen over night. Took at least a year for one of my best mates to get over his gf, he had some serious issues, errection problems(couldn't get it up when he was with other girls) etc.

Just be there when your friend needs to talk about it, unless she is fragile to depressions or other psychological illnesses she will get over it with time.

[Laize]

Yeah, I've been doing a lot of shit-talking about the guy. He's an old mutual friend gone terribly bad, like physical abuse and that crap.
Thanks for taking the time to write out your response, Ita. It's a very similar situation. I've been trying to encourage her to find a better guy, but a lot of the guys going after her are like wolves going for a sickly cattle. I can just tell exactly what most of them want, and I'm not gonna let that happen to her.

What are you, her keeper? Let her make her own decisions.

[freelapdance]

Was this her first boyfriend? Has she only slept with him?

[Lysah]

Stick your penis in her.

As crude as this is - is she sexually active now? A big problem with adult female self esteem does revolve around sex. In her mind, she was with a man willing to have sex with her who treated her like garbage. If she doesn't have a man willing to have sex with her now, doesn't this make her even worse?

There's no guarantee she even sees it this way, but being in a new relationship, most especially a sexual one, would very likely help. Kind of with what Ita said, she needs confirmation and evidence that she is still worth something.

[Laize]

As crude as this is - is she sexually active now? A big problem with adult female self esteem does revolve around sex. In her mind, she was with a man willing to have sex with her who treated her like garbage. If she doesn't have a man willing to have sex with her now, doesn't this make her even worse?

There's no guarantee she even sees it this way, but being in a new relationship, most especially a sexual one, would very likely help. Kind of with what Ita said, she needs confirmation and evidence that she is still worth something.

Why the hell do I only hear these kinds of "she needs confirmation she is worth something" statements about women?

It seems kind of sexist to say women need someone else to make them feel worth more than trash.

[freelapdance]

Women like to feel attractive? They spend hours getting ready and months shopping. Women are judged more on their looks than men are. This how it is. Although this is sort of moving off topic.

[Laize]

Women like to feel attractive? They spend hours getting ready and months shopping. Women are judged more on their looks than men are. This how it is. Although this is sort of moving off topic.

I would've figured that assuming she needs confirmation from a man she's attractive would have set the feminists off like dynamite. But apparently not.

I'm never gonna understand this shit.

[freelapdance]

Ok which of the four statements do you think a woman is going to like most:

- You are incredibly attractive
- That dress is incredibly attractive
- I like your dress
- You make that dress look incredibly attractive

It is never either physical attraction OR mental attraction. She basically is suggesting that she is still physically attractive but wants to not be seen ONLY as this.

[Laize]

Ok which of the four statements do you think a woman is going to like most:

- You are incredibly attractive
- That dress is incredibly attractive
- I like your dress
- You make that dress look incredibly attractive

It is never either physical attraction OR mental attraction. She basically is suggesting that she is still physically attractive but wants to not be seen ONLY as this.

None of those statements have anything to do with lysah suggesting she needs another relationship ASAP.

[freelapdance]

She never clearly stated "relationship" but "sexually active" there is a difference.

[Laize]

She never clearly stated "relationship" but "sexually active" there is a difference.

Is one of those options NOT an implication that this girl needs a man for her self esteem?

[Lysah]

Why the hell do I only hear these kinds of "she needs confirmation she is worth something" statements about women?

It seems kind of sexist to say women need someone else to make them feel worth more than trash.

Yeah, life's not fair. Nor is psychology. Whether you like the facts or not they exist.

I don't know this person personally, that's why I gave general advice the would apply to most women. Does it apply to all women, and therefore we should just treat women as if it did? Of course not, that's why it's advice and not an order.

I never said heterosexual women made sense, but this IS how they act, in general. If you'd like you can find a large quantity of psychological and sociological studies quite readily that detail the average behavior of modern women.

[Laize]

Then let me ask what's wrong with helping this girl to realize she doesn't need approval from anyone just to feel good about herself?

It hardly seems healthy to me to foster an external locus of self esteem in this chick.

[Lysah]

Then let me ask what's wrong with helping this girl to realize she doesn't need approval from anyone just to feel good about herself?

Because it's very unlikely to happen in her current state. It would be much easier for her to pick herself up through other people and then, once she's stable again, to learn her own self worth.

Very rarely do people come out of depression on their own. This really shouldn't be so surprising to you. This applies to most humans - people need other people to tell them they're valuable when they don't feel that way about themselves. That's just how it is.

For heterosexual women, this can take on a more direct approach, and sex is generally a fairly sure method. The only danger is developing yet another unhealthy relationship as a consequence.

[Laize]

Because it's very unlikely to happen in her current state. It would be much easier for her to pick herself up through other people and then, once she's stable again, to learn her own self worth.

Very rarely do people come out of depression on their own. This really shouldn't be so surprising to you. This applies to most humans - people need other people to tell them they're valuable when they don't feel that way about themselves. That's just how it is.

For heterosexual women, this can take on a more direct approach, and sex is generally a fairly sure method. The only danger is developing yet another unhealthy relationship as a consequence.

So instead of an unhealthy relationship you advocate a pity fuck?

[freelapdance]

We know close to NOTHING about this girl, the situation, her past, what she values in sex/relationships. All you can be is incredibly general. Self esteem differs from person to person. Lysah was simply trying to delve deeper into the sex side of things. This might have no link at all to her self esteem. Yes the opposite is possible that she might very well need a man to not feel insecure. You cannot just make a blanket statement: woman needs man for high self esteem. What Lysah was trying to work out was about this girls view on sex right now after the relationship ended.

[Lysah]

Which is information only the OP knows, so it is still up to his best judgement.

[Gamdwelf]

Yeah, life's not fair. Nor is psychology. Whether you like the facts or not they exist.

I don't know this person personally, that's why I gave general advice the would apply to most women. Does it apply to all women, and therefore we should just treat women as if it did? Of course not, that's why it's advice and not an order.

I never said heterosexual women made sense, but this IS how they act, in general. If you'd like you can find a large quantity of psychological and sociological studies quite readily that detail the average behavior of modern women.

Pretty much this. I've seen this quite a few times where girls after getting out of a bad relationship will just be really down on themselves, where they feel like nobody could ever love them again, etc.

[Matt115115]

Although this experiment was done with people currently in relationships, it doesn't hurt to try. Have her sit down and write every bad thing possible down about this guy, maybe even multiple times. The experiment took people in good relationships and people in rocky relationships and had some write only good things and others write only bad things. A few years later (maybe less I forget the actual time frame) around 95% or so of all the people writing good things, including the bad relationships were still together. About the same percentage of all the bad things relationships were not together, and this included people that were believed to be in solid relationships.

I have no idea how much, if any in this situation it would accelerate things but its possible it can help. If someone keeps saying the same thing they'll start to believe it. If its not effective at all the only other thing I can think of is a saying I've heard that goes "Girls need time and guys need other girls." So there may not be anything you can do other than just be there and listen for her. Another thing that I've heard plenty of is that girls in bad situations like this don't wanna be given advice when they complain sometimes, they just want someone listening. So if all else is ineffective just listen and hope it fades away with time.

Hope this helps

[Deleted]

How to get over an ex? Find a new one.
Can be hard if she is fat and/or ugly.