LORE: Diablo 3, ACT 1, Part 1.

[Crawford]

The hero has come from someplace. In these harsh economic times, he has lost his steady witch-doctoring or barbarianing or emo-goth gig, so he's made up his own job-title and is now a freelance entrepreneur. He follows a falling star to Tristram, where he finds the sheriff fighting a horde of zombies.

"Pardon me," says the hero. "I am a freelance entrepreneur. Do you think there's some work for me here?"

The local sheriff pauses to look the hero over: "On an ordinary day, if a naked foreigner minced into my town and told me he was a freelance entrepreneur, I suppose I'd move him right up to the top of my list of things to do. But this ain't an ordinary day. You ain't even in the top five weirdest things I've seen this afternoon, and that's saying something, 'cause you're super-weird. So just keep moving."

But the hero is totally cool and awesome, despite the fact that he's the kind of dude who enjoys wearing no pants in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. He grabs a zombie, tears its head off with his bare hands, and punts the head fifty yards.

"I'm a freelance entrepreneur," says the hero. "Do you think there's some work for me here?"

"Whatever," says the sheriff. "If I'm going to die today, I guess I might as well die next to a strange, naked foreigner."

He waves his hand, and his men open the gate of Tristram.

In town, a lot of people need the hero's help, because they're all stuck in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, and their only protection is a fence that appears to be made of sticks. But only one person has a glowing yellow exclamation point over her head. Her name is Leah and she wants the hero to go into the Cathedral of Horrors to rescue her uncle, Deckard Cain, a man who often finds himself in situations like these.

"I'm not sure I want to go into the Cathedral of Horrors," says the hero.

"Why not?" Leah asks.

"Because it's a Cathedral of Horrors."

"Oh, that's just a name. It's great in there. You'll totally love it."

The hero is unconvinced. "Does this job come with health benefits?"

"I'll give you five minor healing potions," Leah says.

It's not a great offer, but the hero is a guy with nothing to do on a Tuesday afternoon, so he heads for the cathedral, hoping the server won't crash.

The cathedral turns out to be the site of the meteor impact, and it's also full of zombies and skeletons, but the hero, like all entrepreneurs, is excellent at slaying the undead, so he rescues Deckard Cain, and escapes back to Tristram through a secret passage.

"You're awesome at killing skeletons," Deckard says. "I bet you'd love to kill a Skeleton King."

"I really wouldn't," the hero says.

But Cain is adamant, and the hero is easily-persuaded, so he rummages through a bunch crypts in a place that is actually called the Cemetery of the Forsaken. He comes back to Tristram with the crown of the Skeleton King, and Cain sends him back into the Cathedral.

Inside, he finds a Templar being tortured by cultists. The hero rescues the Templar. "Let me guess," says the hero. "We've got a common acquaintance."

"She said I'd love it in here," said the Templar. "I am not loving it in here."

The Templar decides to help the hero kill the Skeleton King, so they head into his crypt. As they descend, they learn from ghosts and convenient expository books that are lying around, that the Skeleton King used to be a regular king, but then he died and became a skeleton. This helps the hero understand the Skeleton King's motivation.

At last, they reach the lair of the Skeleton King, and discover that he's about eleven feet tall for some reason. But the hero puts the crown on the King's head, which draws his ghost back into his body, or something.

"I just have one question to ask you," the hero says. "If your head is a skull, then how is your beard attached to your face?"

The Skeleton King doesn't answer; he merely engages the hero in battle. He employs an intimidating strategy of carrying a giant mace and swinging it very slowly. The hero at first employs a countervailing tactic of standing still and getting beaten to death, but when that proves ineffective, he tries moving around, and, eventually the Skeleton King is defeated.

Beneath the crypt, the hero finds the site of the meteor impact, and it turns out that the meteor is actually a dude.

"What's your deal, Dude?" the hero asks.

"I don't know," says the dude. "I have amnesia."

"Of course you do," says the hero. And he follows the dude back to Tristram, where Deckard Cain is waiting to send the hero off to do another insane thing.

COMING SOON: ACT 1, Part 2: ADVENTURES IN GOAT COUNTRY

[Mnevis]

I hope he gets some pants soon.

[Deleted]

Good read! Those goat men don't have pants either..

[Xothic]

Out of all the silly wow story/parody things I've read on these forums over the years, this is the only one thats actually made me laugh. The writing style reminds me of cracked.com in a way.

[Deleted]

Hilarious

[Crawford]

Hilarious

Thanks a lot.

[Deleted]

You sir, diserve this:



I think i speak for everybody when i ask for more

[Deleted]

Ha! This is awesome, well done Crawford, can't wait for more

[llandrywyn]

I actually Laughed Out Loud. At 2:20 in the morning. It was awkward.

Well done good sir.

[Cakka]

Awesome job OP. Posts like that are exactly what this (and probably every other) forum needs!

[Heldamon]

/like

10chars

[Wynnyelle]

Another great read by Crawford. Keep em' coming! Love it.

[Shadowmeld]

HAHA just as everyone else has said: awesome job! Love this kind of post and love this one in particular. Look froward to others =)

[Crawford]

You sir, diserve this:



I think i speak for everybody when i ask for more

Funny you should say that... my book drops Tuesday.

[Deleted]

Funny you should say that... my book drops Tuesday.

I'm guessing it won't come out here in Portugal? Also, tell me (us?) about your book

[wariofan1]

It's not a great offer, but the hero is a guy with nothing to do on a Tuesday afternoon, so he heads for the cathedral, hoping the server won't crash.

I lost it here, what a great read. Thanks a lot!

[Crawford]

Part 2 is here: http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...7#post16886127

I am breaking it up so people who are playing through the game can look at the threads without spoilers.

---------- Post added 2012-05-19 at 10:01 PM ----------

I'm guessing it won't come out here in Portugal? Also, tell me (us?) about your book

It's a mystery about an elderly WW2 veteran who goes hunting for a Nazi fugitive. I've got a thread about it in the books section: http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...8#post16847148

It's actually being translated into Portuguese, but for Brazil. I'm not sure when that translation will be released, though. The English version may be available in Europe through Amazon, etc, but it seems like international publishers wait to see domestic sales before acquiring books by new authors, most of the time.

[3vyan]

Part 2 is here: http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...7#post16886127

I am breaking it up so people who are playing through the game can look at the threads without spoilers.

---------- Post added 2012-05-19 at 10:01 PM ----------



It's a mystery about an elderly WW2 veteran who goes hunting for a Nazi fugitive. I've got a thread about it in the books section: http://www.mmo-champion.com/threads/...8#post16847148

It's actually being translated into Portuguese, but for Brazil. I'm not sure when that translation will be released, though. The English version may be available in Europe through Amazon, etc, but it seems like international publishers wait to see domestic sales before acquiring books by new authors, most of the time.

Nice, I'm impressed.

I love reading your work on these forums. Might try out your book if it becomes available in the EU, even though it's a type of book I normally wouldn't read.

[mafao]

This is actually much better than D3 writing itself ^^

[Uennie]

Yaaaay Crawford!