How much time?

[Dama]

I'm looking for some advice, but will try to keep my explanation of the situation brief.

I'd been dating a guy for just shy of two years, during which time we moved in together. During that point he introduced me to a friend of his, who we'll call R. I have met R irl, so he's not just internet dude, which I feel is important to mention. At first R came off as a jerk, so i paid him little attention, unless it was to rage at him while we raided, but when everyone got burnt out after Tier 11 and went off to play other games R and I moved on to another guild together to raid FL. We talked a lot, as there wasn't really anyone else to talk to, and got to a point where I considered him on of my best friends, and told him things I wouldn't tell my BF, ever. My BF and I moved out of the state during this period, so I now lived pretty far away from R.

R and I eventually moved on to new guild together then when he left there I followed; we bounced to two more guilds before settling into the guild we're in now. Not that the guilds matter, just explaining that we've moseyed around a lot since Tier 11 but have made a point to stay together and only find places that fit both of us. At about this point I realize that our friendship is clearly more than that, even though neither of us would ever say anything because I'm not single and dating a friend of his. We're at a point where we exchange text messages a lot and are using WoW more as a chat program than a game. Even my BF has noticed, asking why we spend so much typing to each other when we're both in vent anyway. It's clear something has been developing, though we were both ignoring it, and even more obvious to me that I've been attracted to R for a while. I'm not cheater though, so my first thought is to just keep ignoring it and draw back from R.

But the BF and I are having issues. I'm sleeping on the couch, sex has totally ceased, and most of our time together is spent in the same room, staring at our respective computer screens. Not a good scene. I break it off and I don't do this because I have feelings for R, but rather because my current relationship is clearly headed no where. We decide we can stay friends, I move out, and things seem to go back more or less to normal, aside from the fact conversations with R have increased, we're talking in skype now, and we're both dancing around the subject of the attraction between us. But there are, of course, issues. He's still my Ex-Bf's friend and there is a considerable amount of distance between us.

Recently R has asked me to fly out and stay with him, to give the whole relationship a test drive. If it seems good I'll stay and if it seems like it was just the distance and the unfortunate state of my former relationship that was clouding our judgement, then I'll fly back to where I am now. I'd like to take this offer but I'm not sure if I should wait longer. I figure, on the one hand, no matter what happens I'm a terrible person, R is basically the worst friend ever, and my Ex's feelings will be hurt, but on the other hand are these outcomes something that could be lessened with time?

I moved out of my ex's place about a month ago, and this trip is projected for mid-july/early august. Too soon? Just go for it because nothing is going to change the hurt feelings this is going to cause? Thoughts?


That wasn't as brief as I'd hoped to make it.

[BLCalliente]

It will be obvious that you were emotionally unfaithful to your ex no matter how long you wait.

If I were you I would break off everything with R and look into some corporal mortification, to include at least 1 hour per day of flagellation.

The karma police are coming.

[Torq]

So basically, you pulled the "spent too much time talking with another guy, and then fell for him" thing.

That's basically cheating, you know. Some people might not consider it as such, but it's close enough for government work.

Regardless of if you want to call it cheating or not, you were still being emotionally unfaithful. That probably contributed to the degradation of your relationship, as well; you're going to have to accept that and acknowledge it, too, otherwise it'll become a problem in your next relationship.

Hell, it'll probably become a problem anyway, as I doubt R will forget that you fell for him while dating his friend... meaning he knows you're capable of doing such a thing, and it'll probably bother him even more if you start to talk to another guy friend. Unless he's not that type (which I doubt, considering he seemed to have pursued you even while dating his friend, which is just a dick move), you've basically started a vicious cycle that you can't break unless you basically don't start dating R and just start fresh somewhere else.

[Reg]

Did it ever occur to you your relationship failed with your Ex because you were emotionally involved with another man and when your Ex asked about it you just shrugged it off?

[Illuwin]

If you're broken up, moved out and R is willing to cease being friends with you ex, what difference does it make how much time you decide to wait? If you want to go fly out then fly out, who cares if someone you've moved on from is offended or not.

Funny enough this sounds almost exactly how my wife and I got together minus the R being friends with ex thing. Are you my wife or her ex posting randomly 6+ years later?

[blargh312]

^ Fuck those guys. If you were unhappy in your relationship, you had every right to break it off. Being "emotionally unfaithful", whatever the fuck that means, is not anything close to cheating, and based on what you said I don't see how you really did anything wrong in this situation. Your ex may get upset about you hooking up with his friend, but that's an issue for them to worry about, not you. You don't owe your ex anything and what he thinks about the situation really shouldn't matter now.

[Jackmoves]

You do not date your ex's friends unless the ex has said otherwise, it's that simple, if you do you are an asshole of the highest possible order, your ex's friend... is an absolute bastard btw, no fucking loyalty.

[banan163]

Did it ever occur to you your relationship failed with your Ex because you were emotionally involved with another man and when your Ex asked about it you just shrugged it off?

This, i think you didnt give your relationship a chance with your ex due having your emotion somewhere else

[blargh312]

You do not date your ex's friends unless the ex has said otherwise

Why? I don't understand this mentality at all. They're your EX, why should you have to ask them for permission to do anything?

[Dama]

I will concede that I was emotionally unfaithful, though I certainly didn't intend for that to happen. Not intending for it to happen certainly doesn't change that fact that it did, though. I wouldn't call it cheating, but either way it wasn't okay and I'm not trying to claim otherwise.

I'm sure the way our 'relationship' is beginning will have an impact of how things proceed with R (as neither of us comes off as overly trustworthy, honestly) but we've talked about it and the circumstances surrounding everything, from both sides, so I think we have our eyes open enough to proceed forward without that being something that unravels us before we start.

But I'll be on the lookout for the karma police anyway.

Having said that, I don't think things with R are why my Ex and I failed. We've been dating for a while before I met R and, as I mentioned, I hated the guy at first. He comes off as a bit of a tool when you first meet him, so it wasn't like I met the guy and my interests instantly shifted towards him.

[Against the Modern World]

^ Fuck those guys. If you were unhappy in your relationship, you had every right to break it off. Being "emotionally unfaithful", whatever the fuck that means, is not anything close to cheating, and based on what you said I don't see how you really did anything wrong in this situation.

First you finish your old relationship, then you start looking for new, not the otherwise.

[Tauton]

You told R things that you couldn't tell your BF? Your BF is meant to be the one person that you are supposed to tell things to that you can't tell others!

If you and the boyfriend weren't right, it was boring etc etc, fine, you did the right thing in breaking it off. The big fat major catastrophic issue is that you were emotionally dating another guy at the same time and are now wanting to officially date him! You mentally cheated on your bf, and worse of all it was with one of his friends? I totally agree with the others in thinking that the relationship with R was what caused your boyfriend to seem more bland and it break off. You should have cut it off with R, tried harder with your BF and if it still wasn't working, end it with the BF and reignite with R. It's not a good ending (dating an ex's friend isn't good) but it's a lot less shitty than what you've both done.

You and R are both bad people for the above. I think if you both had this connection AFTER things with the boyfriend finished, you all did ok and did the best you could.. sometimes it's ok if you fall for ex's friends but only months after the breakup, not DURING the relationship.

I feel very sorry for the guy you dated for TWO YEARS whilst you were probably thinking of another guy in bed. Imagine his side of things, especially if he finds out you've moved to live with his friend? Try to put yourself in his place.

(Edit - you've just mentioned that R isn't the reason things went badly with the BF because he was a tool when you first met him? Well if that was T11, it was a while ago and you and your BF were fine then weren't you? Maybe things started to go wrong with the BF when things went right with R? If it was always bad with the BF, why stay around?)

[Sikzlol]

So you got fat playing wow, and your ex did not want to break it to you so he let you think it was your idea. Textbook guy maneuver. No guy likes to slay fat pussy, dat shit stank.

Infracted

[Jackmoves]

Why? I don't understand this mentality at all. They're your EX, why should you have to ask them for permission to do anything?

Because it's the decent thing to do, there are fucking millions of people out there, if you date/fuck your ex's friend... or worse if you date/fuck your friends ex you are a nothing but a piece of shit in my book.

[ergonomic]

It's a shitty situation for sure, but don't let circumstance tell you who you are or are not attracted to.

[Dama]

I feel very sorry for the guy you dated for TWO YEARS whilst you were probably thinking of another guy in bed. Imagine his side of things, especially if he finds out you've moved to live with his friend? Try to put yourself in his place.

(Edit - you've just mentioned that R isn't the reason things went badly with the BF because he was a tool when you first met him? Well if that was T11, it was a while ago and you and your BF were fine then weren't you? Maybe things started to go wrong with the BF when things went right with R? If it was always bad with the BF, why stay around?)

Lots of things weren't working with my Ex. I didn't want to lengthen my post by getting into them, but I guess I will now. We got together and things were really good for awhile but it was becoming very clearly that we didn't really want the same things to happen as we went forward. For one I hate children and don't ever want any, but he saw himself as a father as some future point. I'm not happy where we're living (his hometown) and we'd agreed to stay for a year then move elsewhere but as that year got close to being up he kept coming up with reasons it wouldn't work, most of them stupid when it all boiled down to 'I want to live near my family'. Which is fine, except he promised that wouldn't be the case (My mother and siblings live 6 hours away, for reference and I've seen them twice in the past year. I'm okay with this, really, but to break his promise because he can't be away from his family seems hypocritical since he's basically asking me to stay away from mine for him.)

There were other things (stopped having sex, me sleeping on the couch for nearly a month, flat out no longer speaking to each other most of the time.) but the above issues are what made things start to sour for me.

[Skippy88]

Like others I'm inclined to agree you've handled it poorly up to this point and hopefully you learn from this experience. I would take up the offer and see if those "feelings" for R are still there. No use worrying about what the Ex is feeling when you don't even have your feelings down yet. It's easy to text back and forth but being face to face is another ballgame entirely. Once you two are willing to commit to a relationship then you can start worrying about your Ex especially if R wants to remain friends with your Ex.

[kymmico]

Having said that, I don't think things with R are why my Ex and I failed. We've been dating for a while before I met R and, as I mentioned, I hated the guy at first. He comes off as a bit of a tool when you first meet him, so it wasn't like I met the guy and my interests instantly shifted towards him.

My question to you at this point, then, is did he stop being a tool? Because it is entirely possible that you have been glossing over R's faults BECAUSE you were having a bad time with your ex and latched onto R. Just some food for thought.

In regards to the main topic at hand - it will never be enough time. If the two of you want to pursue this relationship, you will have to come to terms with that fact.

Quick example: I have been with my husband for 6 years (only been married the last year) and I got together with him shortly after he broke up with this girl - A. A had been "friends" with some guy (Z) for the last six months of A's relationship with my husband. I kept trying to get my husband to see that she had been unfaithful to him - but he wanted to believe the best of her; UNTIL 2 years ago when we found out A & Z had gotten married(odd since she told my husband she didn't believe in marriage, but whatevs)...which was a full four years AFTER she and my husband broke up. Needless to say - even if A's relationship to Z WAS harmless, it doesn't look that way. And it never will.

[Tauton]

Lots of things weren't working with my Ex. I didn't want to lengthen my post by getting into them, but I guess I will now. We got together and things were really good for awhile but it was becoming very clearly that we didn't really want the same things to happen as we went forward. For one I hate children and don't ever want any, but he saw himself as a father as some future point. I'm not happy where we're living (his hometown) and we'd agreed to stay for a year then move elsewhere but as that year got close to being up he kept coming up with reasons it wouldn't work, most of them stupid when it all boiled down to 'I want to live near my family'. Which is fine, except he promised that wouldn't be the case (My mother and siblings live 6 hours away, for reference and I've seen them twice in the past year. I'm okay with this, really, but to break his promise because he can't be away from his family seems hypocritical since he's basically asking me to stay away from mine for him.)

There were other things (stopped having sex, me sleeping on the couch for nearly a month, flat out no longer speaking to each other most of the time.) but the above issues are what made things start to sour for me.

I agree it sounds bad what you've written and they're all good reasons to end it, but you have to admit that you were emotionally dating another guy DURING this period. How can you be certain it did not affect your view?

I had issues with my ex, much like you have with yours. Other girls were coming on to me but I still told them I had a gf even though it was definite that my GF and I were in the process of breaking up. I waited until AFTER we broke up before even CONSIDERING flirting/telling secrets to another woman. It seems to me you chose to hold on to your bf and start a relationship with another man before breaking things off with your bf.

So as I said before, what you've done is all fine and dandy except you've done it in the wrong order. Have a good relationship -> it becomes shit -> break it off -> look for another man.

[hellosaltygoodness]

people are sort of overexaggerating what happened. don't even pay attention to them ragging on you... frankly falling for somebody else while dating somebody is pretty common, it can happen to anybody, and you did the right thing by breaking it off with your boyfriend instead of cheating on him behind his back. right now is probably too soon for your ex to accept his BF dating his former girl. go visit this other guy and find out if you guys have something real, but don't tell your ex until you find out, and you guys can accept the consequences of being together only if you decide to actually be together.