Friends and ultimatums

[Wikiy]

Hello everyone.

The friend in question is actually an online friend. I've known him for 3 years and we're really "close" friends, we talk to each other about everything, we're really similar and rather strange to everyone else i assume, we're interested in the same things and we've never really met people IRL that are like us. Sometimes we chat for up to 10 hrs a day (well, now that the holidays have started), This is the reason we're so close. Just to make it really clear, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ADVICE LIKE: "You can't have internet friends, nerd!". Keep it to yourself.

Now, this last week we've talked a lot, this led to a lot of links to various videos and we ended up discussing (and eventually fighting over) 5 or so social issues. He's pretty much always sure he's right and i'm always the one trying to tell him that he needs to have an open mind and not go into a discussion as if he's the supreme arbiter of truth. But that never works so all these discussions have resulted in the 2 of us being a bit less... friendly?

About 2 days ago, he got pissed over some things on facebook, like photos of doors underneath which is this: "like if you've pulled a door which said push" and a few other things. To be honest, i find things like that extremely annoying too. So he basically said on his wall that he's leaving facebook because he can't handle the stupidity and that he's lost all hope in humanity... After that, we had a talk and he told me he's online on skype all the time. The thing is, i hate skype as much as he hates facebook. So after 5 mins of silly and friendly arguing over it, he basically got tired and gave me an ultimatum: i can either add him on skype or not talk to him (since he's not coming to facebook).

The thing is, i hate ultimatums. Especially if it's a friend giving another friend an ultimatum. Also, it feels as if he's trying to exploit the fact that he knows i'd rather endure skype so that i can talk to him than not talk to him at all. And he is right. But his approach is simply horrible and i've decided to take the option of not talking to him at all, out of principle. My best IRL friend is like this too. He doesn't give ultimatums but he doesn't make an effort to sacrifice himself for our friendship at all, and i always end up being the "victim".

I don't want to lose this pen-pal. We're like each other's shrinks. We reduce each other's stress levels because we simply have the same view of the world, and we have the need to talk about it to someone (at least excluding this last week). And that's him for me and i for him. So how should i deal with this situation and is it right for a friend to force down an ultimatum (no matter how trivial) on another friend? Thanks in advance.

[Deleted]

It sounds as if he's deliberately turning a minor issue into something much bigger to get what he wants. I've been in a similar situation before with an online friend and to be honest, even if you get along very well it is not healthy to be in a friendship or relationship that shifts to exploitation at the drop of a hat. Let the dust settle between you for a few days and then approach him, explain your point of view once again to him and if he still isn't prepared to make a compromise then it's probably best if you cut your losses and focus on finding someone who can treat you with respect and dignity.

It's not unusual in this day and age for people to have a number of friends who are largely limited to online interaction, though if you would not like to be treated that way face to face, do not allow yourself to be treated that way online.

[Sverige]

Sounds like a shitty friend, honestly.

''So how should i deal with this situation and is it right for a friend to force down an ultimatum (no matter how trivial) on another friend?''

You don't deal with it. It is wrong of a friend to do that. If he was really your friend, he wouldn't do it, he'd sit down and talk to you about other options. But, judging by your post, it sounds like he is an arrogant fool.

[bekilrwale]

If he hates Facebook as much as you hate Skype why is it O.K. to make him use Facebook but not O.K. to make you use Skype?

I don't want to lose this pen-pal. We're like each other's shrinks. We reduce each other's stress levels because we simply have the same view of the world, and we have the need to talk about it to someone (at least excluding this last week).

Wait a few weeks and if he still doesn't come back to Facebook, either give in and maintain your friendship or stand on principles and lose the friend. Also, ultimatums are never something you should give to a friend.

[anaxie]

First world problems

[Frozired]

If he hates Facebook as much as you hate Skype why is it O.K. to make him use Facebook but not O.K. to make you use Skype?

This exactly. To me this seems more like a very selfish OP

He's pretty much always sure he's right and i'm always the one trying to tell him that he needs to have an open mind

I think YOU are JUST as "sure you are right"

[Calzaeth]

There are MANY alternatives to Skype and Facebook. Why don't the two of you just test a bunch of social mediums together to find one you like? I mean, you'd prefer to use something HE hates, and he'd prefer to use something YOU hate. Why not find alternatives?

[Sverige]

First world problems

Trying hard to raise that post count bro? ;P

[Deleted]

On a side note, have you considered using something like Steam to keep in touch? I tend to do just that to keep in touch with my gamer friends since it saves us the trouble of tabbing out every couple of minutes to check if we've said anything on MSN or Facebook.

[Knight Gil]

Losing hope on humanity because of silly pictures and giving ultimatums? Someone needs to grow up.

[Wikiy]

This exactly. To me this seems more like a very selfish OP

I'm selfish because i'm not letting him manipulate me through ultimatums? Right. If he hadn't given me an ultimatum and just asked me nicely, i probably would've added him on skype. I wont let him use me like a piece of shit though.

I think YOU are JUST as "sure you are right"

No, i'm just as sure i'm right as he is but only about the fact that discussions should be entered with an open mind. He's always sure he's the one who's right and he completely ignores my arguments and he thinks his arguments are plated with gold-coloured flawless logic. He thinks his opinions aren't opinions but absolute truths.

[Calzaeth]

I'm selfish because i'm not letting him manipulate me through ultimatums? Right. If he hadn't given me an ultimatum and just asked me nicely, i probably would've added him on skype. I wont let him use me like a piece of shit though.



No, i'm just as sure i'm right as he is but only about the fact that discussions should be entered with an open mind. He's always sure he's the one who's right and he completely ignores my arguments and he thinks his arguments are plated with gold-coloured flawless logic. He thinks his opinions aren't opinions but absolute truths.

Just curious about the bolded part. If you're willing to add him, but not on an ultimatum, why haven't you simply told him? Add him, and the first thing you say in your first conversation is: "This is the first and last ultimatum you give me, understood?". It's obvious that the choice of social medium isn't that big a thing to you, so why not let this one slide? Is Facebook too much to sacrifice for friendship?

Also, several of us have already recommended you to see if there are any other social mediums you and your friend can use. So instead of only giving response to the people you disagree with, what about reading ALL of the replies? We're trying to help, man!

[Wikiy]

Just curious about the bolded part. If you're willing to add him, but not on an ultimatum, why haven't you simply told him? Add him, and the first thing you say in your first conversation is: "This is the first and last ultimatum you give me, understood?". It's obvious that the choice of social medium isn't that big a thing to you, so why not let this one slide? Is Facebook too much to sacrifice for friendship?

Also, several of us have already recommended you to see if there are any other social mediums you and your friend can use. So instead of only giving response to the people you disagree with, what about reading ALL of the replies? We're trying to help, man!

He's the kind of person that would simply say "deal with it" if i told him i hate ultimatums. He's basically like House and he admitted it. And he's not changing, he's going to keep on doing what he wants to do and he'll keep on expecting me to be Wilson. Also, he's really fond of Skype for some reason. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to use anything else but i'm going to ask him.

[Liara]

He's the kind of person that would simply say "deal with it" if i told him i hate ultimatums. He's basically like House and he admitted it. And he's not changing, he's going to keep on doing what he wants to do and he'll keep on expecting me to be Wilson. Also, he's really fond of Skype for some reason. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to use anything else but i'm going to ask him.

Odds are you both have emails. While that's not as immediate as chats, that's still an option.
And of course, Gmail has chat, so you could just use that.

[Deleted]

If he hasn`t deleted his facebook account completely then he can connect to facebook via skype and chat with you on skype while you are using facebook for chatting.

[Wikiy]

Thanks guys, the situation's been resolved.

[MrHappy]

fit of rage...it will pass...kinda childish on both of your parts if you cannot compromise either of you but that will pass. If that friend is willing to forsake your friendship over stupidy as you described than perhaps s/he isn't as good of a friend as you though s/he is.

[Deleted]

Thanks guys, the situation's been resolved.

Good to hear! I hope things work out more smoothly in the future for you both.