My wife left me because I'm going bald.
I'm not bothered, it's hair loss.
I hate my smoke alarm.
It's always ten minutes late in telling me my dinner's ready.
My girlfriend got angry with me for always making fun of her when I do standup. She screamed at me, "Can you stop making jokes about me!"
I said, "Yeah sure, anything to make you happy sweetheart, but is it alright if I make jokes about my ex?"
She said, "Yeah that's fine."
So I dumped her.
I think my job interview to be a bug sorter went well.
I boxed all the right ticks.
I ordered a pizza to go today, but it just sat there.
Police have reported that with further observation, it turns out the lion in Essex is just a snow leopard with a spray tan and hair extensions.
The wife's getting all excited because it's our first wedding anniversary this weekend,
I wonder what she's got planned?
What a wild weekend I had at my mates stag do down in Essex.
Now I just need to get this lion costume back to the fancy dress shop.
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets his Snickers in a Twix.
I was talking to a mate in the pub about my relationship.
"I'm going to go home tonight and say, 'Pam.. It's not working. I want a divorce,'"
"You'd be making a big mistake," he said.
"What do you know about my marriage?" I asked.
"Well I know your wife is called Carol for starters."
The Hubble telescope has just made an amazing discovery.
A huge yellow paragraph floating through space beginning 'A long long time ago'
In Carphone Warehouse today I noticed a collection box that said, 'Buy some sweets and help discover a cure for cancer.' I figured I'd better do my bit - But I was a bit short on time, so I just bought the sweets
Sometimes when I can't sleep I try counting sheep, but my ADHD is a nightmare.
One sheep, two sheep, dog, pig, old McDonald, Hey Macarena!
My dad committed suicide after losing all his money in a bad property investment.
We knew he took monopoly seriously, but no one saw this coming.
I hate it when my wife says you've got to take the rough with the smooth.
I instantly know she's bought the wrong peanut butter.
Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults.
Boobs are a great example of this.
A woman walks into a bar.
"Why the long face?" Asks the barman.
An hour and a half later, he was regretting it.
That's the bear minimum.