2012-10-21, 02:49 PM
I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up.
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.
2012-10-22, 09:51 AM
I phoned the doctor and said, "I blew my nose and now my vision is all blurred. What should I do?"
"Stop cleaning your glasses with your hanky," he replied.
2012-10-22, 09:14 PM
The first actor in history to play Sherlock Holmes who has a name more ridiculous than Sherlock Holmes.
2012-10-23, 11:38 AM
I rang my mate as I stood pissed outside to ask how to get into his club.
He said, "There should be a knob on the door."
I said, "Yeah, he's the one that won't let me in."
2012-10-24, 10:22 AM
I called my boss this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse," he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that."
2012-10-24, 06:07 PM
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
2012-10-25, 11:00 AM
My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.
"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."
"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."
2012-10-25, 04:44 PM
"Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient.
"Why should I do that?"
"The waiting room's full and the football's on in ten minutes."
2012-10-26, 11:57 AM
So James Corden will be doing a one hour stand-up.
Followed by a twelve hour sit-down, due to exhaustion.
2012-10-26, 12:16 PM
2012-10-26, 08:51 PM
I was having a conversation with a DJ about music earlier when my wife came up and said
"Why are you talking to that coat?"
2012-10-27, 04:16 PM
"I'm sorry for your loss." I said as the woman walked into the Funeral Directors.
"It's not like that," she laughed, "I'm only delivering a parcel."
"I know, but two lads have just stolen your van."