fantasizing about other people while in a relationship

[Deleted]

I had a discussion about it with my fiance and appearently it wasnt ok to do,Thoug its very common in a relationship.
It doesent mean you're going to cheat or act out on the fantasies, but you just have them, wether its daydreaming or whatever

What is your point of view on this, do you find it ok? do you do it yourself? or do you think once in a relationship all you need and can think about is your girlfriend/fiance/spouse.
Though ofcourse with this i don't mean your girlfriends brother, or your boyfriends cousin. more like celebs etc.

is it the same as cheating or flirting? or is it pure innocent

[Deleted]

I had a discussion about it with my fiance and appearently it wasnt ok to do,Thoug its very common in a relationship.
It doesent mean you're going to cheat or act out on the fantasies, but you just have them, wether its daydreaming or whatever

What is your point of view on this, do you find it ok? do you do it yourself? or do you think once in a relationship all you need and can think about is your girlfriend/fiance/spouse.
Though ofcourse with this i don't mean your girlfriends brother, or your boyfriends cousin. more like celebs etc.

is it the same as cheating or flirting? or is it pure innocent

Nothing wrong with it at all, it's perfectly normal.. I know my partner does it because I do it, most people do it. The issue is though, some people just aren't emotionally stable enough to be flat out told by their partner that they do it. It's sort of like one of those things that is sometimes best unsaid. We know it happens, we just push it out of our minds and pretend that it doesn't happen.

[Judge Malthred]

How can you not? It is only dangerous if the sexual thoughts are on say a co-worker or another friend since in that setup things could potentially move from total fantasy into reality. But if you look at a celeb after they have been digitized and photoshoped and think... damn id like to tap that.... nothing wrong there. Just keep it to yourself or your male friends. Don't ever try to get your gf/fiance to live up to images of women that are literally impossible to achieve in the real world!

[Deleted]

I do it too, i assume my boyfriend aswell. though im not sure, can't say it bothers me though

[Deleted]

I thought it was a healthy thing to do? hmmm

[hiragana]

Completely normal, cant imagine never doing it. Although some people arent as open to admitting it, ive joked about it to my boyfriend a few times and hes gotten mardy about it, asking wether i fancy him and all this BS. Dont talk about it with insecure people.

[Fahrenheit]

I had a discussion about it with my fiance and appearently it wasnt ok to do,Thoug its very common in a relationship.
It doesent mean you're going to cheat or act out on the fantasies, but you just have them, wether its daydreaming or whatever

What is your point of view on this, do you find it ok? do you do it yourself? or do you think once in a relationship all you need and can think about is your girlfriend/fiance/spouse.
Though ofcourse with this i don't mean your girlfriends brother, or your boyfriends cousin. more like celebs etc.

is it the same as cheating or flirting? or is it pure innocent

If you don't fantasize at all about other women while your in a committed relationship then you don't have a pulse. It's perfectly natural to think about it. Acting on it is when shit goes bad.

FYI, I love my wife more than anything, and wouldn't cheat on her under ANY circumstances.

[icedwarrior]

Yeah, I think we're pretty much all in agreement here. Fantasizing does not equal cheating. It's something everyone does from time to time, it's harmless unless you act upon it. If it bothers your significant other, then ask her if they have any fantasies, because I'm certain they do.

[Deleted]

Yeah, I think we're pretty much all in agreement here. Fantasizing does not equal cheating. It's something everyone does from time to time, it's harmless unless you act upon it. If it bothers your significant other, then ask her if they have any fantasies, because I'm certain they do.

Well i did, he seems totally upset and offended, i said i assumed he had some too and it doesent bother me
yet hes a nudge away from being mad

[icedwarrior]

Well i did, he seems totally upset and offended, i said i assumed he had some too and it doesent bother me
yet hes a nudge away from being mad

That's mind-boggling to me; he seems insecure. Honestly, I can't think of any other reason, and I'd simply keep it to myself. As long as you don't...errm...call him by the wrong name, what's the harm?

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

Well i did, he seems totally upset and offended, i said i assumed he had some too and it doesent bother me
yet hes a nudge away from being mad

You've worked the body, now go for the knockout blow, call him someone else's name.

[smelltheglove]

well, i do it, but i never ever would tell my wife that. im sure she does it as well, but i wouldnt feel right telling her anyway

[Deleted]

You've worked the body, now go for the knockout blow, call him someone else's name.

Well i'd never do that,nor has it ever happend to me we had a simple discussion and he asked me about it... was i supposed to lie?
Though im not asking for advice here, im rather curious about other people's view on it or if they do it or not

[An_Unoriginal_Name]

What kind of relationship are we talking about? The "I'm committed to you and you alone. I'm here to love you and satisfy you as my equal" kind of relationship or the "I'm just going to use you until someone better comes along" kind? If it's the former then isn't lusting after other people kind of unfaithful?

I'll assume the former but if I'm wrong then feel free to disregard this. I mean, the point of a committed relationship is to be there for them and for them to be there for you, correct? They are there to satisfy you and please you (and I mean in every way, not just sexually). However, aren't you basically saying to your supposed loved one that "You aren't enough for me" when you fantasize over others? After you supposedly committed yourself to them? Unless the "I'm committed to you and you alone part" was a lie... and the "I'm here to love you and satisfy you" part was too.

Although that depends on the type of fantasizing we're talking about: if it's just invasive thoughts then most people have them until they've matured enough to control them. However if you're actively lusting over other people then you may as well be watching porn and, again, saying "You aren't enough for me. I want others" when you originally said you committed yourself to that person alone and no one else. And if you're actively lusting after other people then you will very likely find yourself unable to be satisfied with simply the one person you "committed" yourself to. After all, the only way that person is going to change is by getting older; why would you be satisfied with them when you've been fantasizing over new and "fresher" people? And if you're not satisfied with them then how can you appreciate them? If you're unable to appreciate them then how can you give them all the love and attention that they want in order to be satisfied? So, again, what kind of relationship are we talking about? The "I'm committed to you and you alone. I'm here to love you and satisfy you as my equal" kind of relationship or the "I'm just going to use you until someone better comes along" kind?

But like the others said, you're not cheating (as in having physical sex with others). Although you could say you're having sex with others in a mental/emotional/spiritual, one-sided kind of way. You're not blatantly cheating on someone but you could end up cheating your so-called loved one of something. After all, imagine if your loved one had been lusting after others for years and found himself unable to appreciate you or be satisfied with you. How would you feel if you one day found that no matter what you do, you cannot please the one you love most in this world? I don't know about you but that's quite a betrayal in my opinion.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Lust is a slow fade.

[TEHPALLYTANK]

Seems human to me, it isn't even a negative trait.

[Deleted]

What kind of relationship are we talking about? The "I'm committed to you and you alone. I'm here to love you and satisfy you as my equal" kind of relationship or the "I'm just going to use you until someone better comes along" kind? If it's the former then isn't lusting after other people kind of unfaithful?

I'll assume the former but if I'm wrong then feel free to disregard this. I mean, the point of a committed relationship is to be there for them and for them to be there for you, correct? They are there to satisfy you and please you (and I mean in every way, not just sexually). However, aren't you basically saying to your supposed loved one that "You aren't enough for me" when you fantasize over others? After you supposedly committed yourself to them? Unless the "I'm committed to you and you alone part" was a lie... and the "I'm here to love you and satisfy you" part was too.

Although that depends on the type of fantasizing we're talking about: if it's just invasive thoughts then most people have them until they've matured enough to control them. However if you're actively lusting over other people then you may as well be watching porn and, again, saying "You aren't enough for me. I want others" when you originally said you committed yourself to that person alone and no one else. And if you're actively lusting after other people then you will very likely find yourself unable to be satisfied with simply the one person you "committed" yourself to. After all, the only way that person is going to change is by getting older; why would you be satisfied with them when you've been fantasizing over new and "fresher" people? And if you're not satisfied with them then how can you appreciate them? If you're unable to appreciate them then how can you give them all the love and attention that they want in order to be satisfied? So, again, what kind of relationship are we talking about? The "I'm committed to you and you alone. I'm here to love you and satisfy you as my equal" kind of relationship or the "I'm just going to use you until someone better comes along" kind?

But like the others said, you're not cheating (as in having physical sex with others). Although you could say you're having sex with others in a mental/emotional/spiritual, one-sided kind of way. You're not blatantly cheating on someone but you could end up cheating your so-called loved one of something. After all, imagine if your loved one had been lusting after others for years and found himself unable to appreciate you or be satisfied with you. How would you feel if you one day found that no matter what you do, you cannot please the one you love most in this world? I don't know about you but that's quite a betrayal in my opinion.




Lust is a slow fade.

Well its been almost 3 years, can't really call him my supposed loved one. im comitted, i have no interest in watching porn or get physical with someone, or even flirt nor lust of random people. though however sometimes i do have fantasies and i thought pretty much everyone does or did

[Luko]

That's mind-boggling to me; he seems insecure. Honestly, I can't think of any other reason, and I'd simply keep it to myself. As long as you don't...errm...call him by the wrong name, what's the harm?

No "seeming" necessary. That's pretty much insecurity to the definition.

---------- Post added 2012-08-23 at 08:33 PM ----------

Well its been almost 3 years, can't really call him my supposed loved one. im comitted, i have no interest in watching porn or get physical with someone, or even flirt nor lust of random people. though however sometimes i do have fantasies and i thought pretty much everyone does or did

They do. Trust me, it's not just the "weird internet community" or whatever justification he may try to use. It's not only incredibly common, it's healthy.

[An_Unoriginal_Name]

Well its been almost 3 years, can't really call him my supposed loved one. im comitted, i have no interest in watching porn or get physical with someone, or even flirt nor lust of random people. though however sometimes i do have fantasies and i thought pretty much everyone does or did

"Fantasizing" over people is just a "nicer" or "cleaner" way of saying "lusting". You don't fantasize over people for no reason; it's obviously all about desire, even if that desire isn't acknowledged.

[darkwarrior42]

(Not quoting to save space, but this is in response to An_Unoriginal_Name's post)

I've heard a lot of people say those things, and I'm not going to say you're wrong because these are after all opinions... but I do disagree. Not everyone can control their thoughts, and even those that can cannot do so every second of every day. Having random thoughts (or even random desires) doesn't mean you're any less committed to your partner.

Without going into any details, there are certain specific fantasies that I have that I would not ever engage in with my wife... and not because she doesn't know about them. She's actually broached the subject, and we both decided it would just be weird... but that doesn't dismiss the fantasy.

It's wrong to kill people, but I do it all the time in video games because those are just fantasy. It's wrong to have sex with anyone else if you're in a committed relationship with one person, but I have fantasies to that extent on occasion. In both cases, I see nothing wrong with the fantasy because it is just that and nothing more; it doesn't affect my real life at all, and in fact my wife and I have a stronger relationship than ever (and it strengthens day-by-day).

I do feel like the boyfriend in the OP's case is being rather insecure about it... or possibly naive, or maybe both. It's hard to say from just an internet account, but it does seem like a very silly thing to get upset over. I mean, telling the other person they can't ever fantasize about something is telling them that you want to control what they think, which is rather absurd... but this is all just my opinion.

Edit: I will comment though that there are people who have a difficult time separating fantasy from reality, and in their cases the fantasies might be more dangerous... but that would be true of anything they fantasized about, not just this topic, so I'm not sure even that changes my opinion, just something worth mentioning.

[Luko]

"Fantasizing" over people is just a "nicer" or "cleaner" way of saying "lusting". You don't fantasize over people for no reason; it's obviously all about desire, even if that desire isn't acknowledged.

And where exactly are you pulling that from. I'm guessing it's just totally opinion, in which case you may want to watch the wording. It seems like you're trying to tell the person how it is.