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  1. #1

    You don't really have fewer talents. You never had much talent to begin with!

    After a months-long hiatus during which he may have played some Diablo 3, Crawford the warlock is back in the World of Warcraft, gearing up for some kung-fu. So, what's new?

    First and most importantly: New Warlock Pets.

    I'm so glad we finally got a beholder pet, replacing our boring-but-functional felhunter. This is a change all warlocks have been lobbying for since the beholder was first introduced in Burning Crusade, and here's why: The beholder has the most anatomically-detailed butthole of any creature model in the entire World of Warcraft. This is especially awesome because the camera position naturally situates itself so that distended, pulsating sphincter is within my field of vision at all times. I can't wait to be staring into that sweet, hypnotic brown-eye for the next year and a half! I love the way it winks at me.

    Second: Active tanking and new class mechanics

    I joined a dungeon to play with the new changes. Here's a chat log:

    Tank: Why is my Shield Block button greyed out?
    Crawford: What is a Malefic Grasp?
    Tank: I need Shield Block to live.
    Healer: Holy Power seems to work differently now.
    Crawford: Oh. That's a Malefic Grasp. I miss Shadow Bolt. Where is Shadow Bolt?
    Tank: Shield Block costs 60 rage for some reason. I don't have 60 rage.
    Healer: My buttons are messed up.
    Crawford: What's the deal with Haunt?
    Tank has died.
    Tank: I think I am gonna buy Guild Wars 2.
    Healer has died.
    Crawford casts [Hearthstone]
    Crawford has joined [1. Stormwind General Chat]
    Crawford has joined [2. Trade]
    /2
    2. Trade: Crawford: Hey everybody, have you seen the butthole on my new beholder pet? Look at it!

    Third: New Talents!

    General Forums: WTF, dog?
    Ghostcrawler: We have simplified the trees to give you a few meaningful choices for utility abilities.
    General Forums: What happened to all the goodies?
    Ghostcrawler: Most of them were essentially mandatory, so we have just baked them into your core spec, rather than making you click the button every level.
    General Forums: But what about customization?
    Ghostcrawler: There wasn't any. Everyone just used the same benefit-maximizing builds.
    General Forums: Not me!
    Ghostcrawler: Then you're bad. Don't worry. You can still find ways to be bad in Mists of Pandaria.
    General Forums: We're going to play SW:TOR, the hot new WoW killer.
    Ghostcrawler: See you in three weeks.
    (Three weeks later)
    General Forums: We're going to go play Diablo 3.
    Ghostcrawler: See you in, like, twenty minutes.
    (Twenty minutes later)
    General Forums: We're going to play Guild Wars 2.
    Ghostcrawler: See you in three weeks.


    Fourth: New Glyphs

    Blizzard: With this new Glyph of Nightmares, your dreadsteed can walk across water on a path of flames!
    Crawford: I have the "Mountain 'O Mounts" achievement. I haven't ridden my dreadsteed in like four years.
    Blizzard: Oh.
    Crawford: I usually ride around on a giant chicken now. Can my chicken walk across water on a path of flames?
    Blizzard: No. Why do you ride around on a giant chicken?
    Crawford: Is that not self-explanatory?
    Blizzard: Maybe you would like to use your dreadsteed.
    Crawford: Maybe you would like to look at my new beholder pet.
    Blizzard: I see it. It's very nice.
    Crawford: No. Look at it from behind.

    Fifth: Revamped Pet UI

    Revamped Pet UI: These are the new features we've implemented for the new pet battle system!
    Crawford: CHARIZARD I CHOOSE YOU!
    Pet battle trainer: Want to catch some rare pets?!
    Crawford: TO DEFEND THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION! TO UNITE ALL PEOPLE WITHIN OUR NATION!
    Pet battle trainer: I like your energy. Try to maintain that until next month, when the pet battle system becomes available.
    Crawford: Hey, have you seen this beholder?

    Sixth: New Loot System

    4.3:
    Guy who rolls on everything: Yoink!
    Everyone: We hate this!

    5.0.4
    Guy who rolls on everything: Well, it looks like my work here is done.
    Everyone: We still hate it!
    Crawford: Behold! My beholder!
    Last edited by Crawford; 2012-08-29 at 03:52 PM.
    Author of DON'T EVER GET OLD , Nominated for the Edgar, Anthony and Thriller awards for Best First Novel.
    My Blog: http://danieljfriedman.blogspot.com
    My Warcraft/Gaming Blog: http://biggerthankologarn.blogspot.com
    My Twitter: http://twitter.com/DanFriedman81

  2. #2
    lol - that was a great post.

  3. #3
    i lol'd :')

  4. #4
    High Overlord
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    My awesome post ever. my your life be blessed with many cookies

  5. #5
    I lost it at the "Dont worry you can still find ways to be bad in MoP"

    awesome post

  6. #6
    The Insane Orange Joe's Avatar
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    Did you forget to complain about anything else? Sure you can't add a little more in there?
    Last edited by Orange Joe; 2012-08-29 at 04:04 PM.

  7. #7
    Good job, you brightened my day

  8. #8
    Stood in the Fire S Blieft's Avatar
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    I can't wait to be staring into that sweet, hypnotic brown-eye for the next year and a half! I love the way it winks at me.
    Coffee + this post = time for a new keyboard!!!

    Thank you, good sir. This has brightened my day and I intend to spread the link to this thread anywhere I can!
    And eight, eight, I forget what eight was for

  9. #9
    [B]Dear Mr. CrawfordI very much enjoied you post I refer to you as mr for I know not if you are male or female I even call females Mr It's my thing first and for most I literally pissed my pants laughing a your beholder I may roll a lock just to get the enjoyment you have form staring into the deep abyss that is the beholders puckered wheezing browneye cheers

  10. #10
    I loved the active tanking and new class mechanics bit.
    He is the life of guilds he has never joined.
    He once had a noobish moment- just to see what it felt like.
    If he were to beat you in a duel, you would have to fight the strong urge to thank him.
    The Lunar Elders have a holiday in which they honor him.
    He can speak Darnassian. In Orcish.
    He is: The Most Interesting Man in the World of Warcraft.

  11. #11
    I love this post; I enjoyed reading it.

  12. #12
    Loved the pulsating sphincter bit

  13. #13
    Absolutely love it.

    Thank you for the laughs!

  14. #14

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by m1ndx View Post
    Loved the pulsating sphincter bit
    In case anyone is unfamiliar with this, this mob shares the same model as the new Warlock pet:
    http://www.wowhead.com/npc=17380

    Open the 3D viewer and spin him around. Check out his "walk" animation.
    Author of DON'T EVER GET OLD , Nominated for the Edgar, Anthony and Thriller awards for Best First Novel.
    My Blog: http://danieljfriedman.blogspot.com
    My Warcraft/Gaming Blog: http://biggerthankologarn.blogspot.com
    My Twitter: http://twitter.com/DanFriedman81

  16. #16
    Brewmaster smegdawg's Avatar
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    Crawford: Maybe you would like to look at my new beholder pet.
    Blizzard: I see it. It's very nice.
    Crawford: No. Look at it from behind.
    HA!!! I laughed very hard.

  17. #17
    lol, butthole. lol.

    Warender - Orc Enhancement Shaman - Mal'Ganis US

  18. #18
    LoooL xD
    hahahahaha hilarious I came here for regular troll-starting thread, encountered really interesting and funny irony congratz to you Crawford.

    btw.. Beholder sure has glorious butthole.. XD
    Last edited by DemoBytom; 2012-08-29 at 05:56 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Archaeon View Post
    In tbc everyone wished they were playing vanilla. In cataclysm everyone will wish they were playing wotlk.
    ^------True story!!

  19. #19
    Dreadlord the0o's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crawford View Post

    Crawford: Maybe you would like to look at my new beholder pet.
    Blizzard: I see it. It's very nice.
    Crawford: No. Look at it from behind.
    It was here i lost it, my boss is still giving me wierd looks

    "Humility defeats pride, Master Yang has preached. Pride defeats man"


  20. #20
    Bloodsail Admiral Samyaaza's Avatar
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    That part about diablo 3 and 20 minutes, sad but true
    So diablo 3 have you seen my new beholder?

    "Dude, why are you dead again?" "Because I'm raid-leading, doh..."
    Mess with the best, die like the rest...
    >>>Goes by name Samyaza<<<

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