Mod Edit: Infracted for Trolling. Not funny.
Mod Edit: Infracted for Trolling. Not funny.
Last edited by Dyra; 2012-11-30 at 12:38 PM.
And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.
I wish people would actually write jokes and not stupid things like "WoW PvP balance" or other crap. Fine, you don't like them, good for you, but how about telling actual jokes and stop being so grumpy?
I police officer saw a Mercedes of last series flying on the street with 150 km per hour in town. So he went in pursuit and the driver stopped.
He went to the driver and said:
"Look, since you're the 1000th driver I stop, I'm going to be good with you, and not only not give you a ticket, I'm also going to give you 100 euros. But tell me, what do you plan on doing with the money?"
The driver responded: "Thank you officer! I think I'm going to use it to get myself a driver's license.
To which a lady on the side-seat said: "Don't listen to him officer, he always tells stupid things when he's drunk"
To which a whisper from the backseat: "Dude, I told you it's a bad idea to steal this car"
To which from the trunk: "Are we past the border yet?"
Another good one:
The pope was with his driver in the car. He tells his driver:
"I'm tired of sitting in the backseat. How about you let me drive for a bit?"
"I don't know, are you sure?" said the driver.
"Yes, of course" responded the pope and they switched places.
The pope was driving like a lunatic, with 150 km per hour and it wasn't long until he was stopped by a police officer.
The police officer came, saw who the driver was then went back to his car and called his boss.
"Boss, I caught someone important, I don't know what to do."
"Who is it, some senator?"
"No sir, much more important!"
"Is it the president?"
"No sir, much more important!"
"Well spit it out boy, who is in that car?"
"I... don't know sir, but the pope is his driver!"
Last edited by Snowraven; 2012-11-30 at 11:20 AM.
This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.
I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.
I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.
Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.
You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?
In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.
Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.
Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.
The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.
<3 hitchhikers guide to the galaxy!
This one may be slightly on the edge, but dammit, I love it:
It's the day after the Invasion of Poland, and Hitler and Goebbels were being driven through Warsaw. On the outskirts of the city, the driver accidentally hit and killed a loose pig, and the driver told this to the führer. Being in a good mood, Hitler said to Goebbels: "Go to the nearby farm, and pay genereously for the pig." "Jawohl!" said Goebbels, and wandered off. The hours passed, the sky darkened, and Hitler continued waiting, growing increasingly annoyed. In the wee hours of the morning, Goebbels came lumbering back, obviously drunk. "What kept you, man?" Hitler demanded angrily. "I vaguely recall someone opening the door, I said 'Heil Hitler, the swine is killed', then somebody opened a bottle of champagne!"
Now a safer, quicker one:
How long does it take a blonde to wash a basement window?
Three hours and five minutes. Three hours to dig a deep enough hole for the ladder, and five minutes for the washing!
I saw this on a stand-up comedy tv show. I can't remember who the guy who said it but it was about 18 years ago. Anyways he starts talking about going to one of those coin-operated laundry mats and how you shouldn't drink while doing laundry because you shouldn't "Drink & Dry". Also, he mentioned friends don't lets friends dry drunk. I'm not sure why but I found that to be hilarious.
Also, my brother was at a McDonalds one time and he ordered a "Cheeseburger with Cheese". That also cracked me up.
Finally at my brother's wedding I had to give a speech. I decided to do a top 10 Letterman style things I learned from him. For my #10 I went with "Don't get a dog with an IQ of -1". He had a Black Lab that did really stupid things like shredded the inside of a car or he would eat a electrical cord that was plugged in. Once I said it the whole room laughed for 10 minutes because they knew how stupid the dog was. Ironically, #10 got the biggest laugh out of the other 9 things.
What does a Death Knight and your mother have in common? They're both cheap, easy, and full of disease.
Your mother is so fat that when the rouge shadow stepped her, he had to wait through a load screen.
They're the only ones I know.
I can't come up with a decent joke to save my life so I'll just copy something I heard a few months ago:
A noob walks into a bar, pulls the whole fricken building.
''The only true failure is when you stop trying''.
i really really really like ceilings. You could say I'm a ceiling fan.
A guy with pickles in his ears walks across the street. Another guy looks at him confused and says: "excuse me sir, I'm not sure if you're aware of this ... but, uh, you've got pickles in your ears." He replies: "Oh, I'm sorry? You'll have to speak louder, I have these pickles in my ears."
Call to arms, the trumpets sound
Hand puppets storm the base, flags up now cannons rage
All clowns head for the rear, slingshots fire to the air
Toy horses start the charge, Robot chessmen standing guard
Crossfire to the marionettes, Slip into the edge of death...
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "How the hell do you drive this thing".
My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing, they're at the gate now... and they're off!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Ba dum tsshhh.
"Because mages need spirit!" -Drunken Locz (if anyone knows him)
"Because my glasses are famous."
A motorist is driving past a mental hospital when he gets a flat tire. He goes out to change the tire, and sees that one of the patients is watching him through the fence.
Nervous, trying to work quickly, he jacks up the car, takes off the wheel, puts the lug nuts into the hubcap and steps on the hubcap, sending the lug nuts clattering into a storm drain.
The mental patient is still watching him through the fence. The motorist desperately looks into the storm drain, but the lug nuts are gone. The patient is still watching.
The motorist paces back and forth, trying to think of what to do, and the patient says, "Take one lug nut off each of the other tires, and you'll have three lug nuts on each"
"That's brilliant!" says the motorist, "what's someone like you doing in an asylum?"
"I'm here because I'm crazy" says the patient, "not because I'm stupid."
Why captain Hook died?
He wiped his ass with wrong hand.
A farmer comes home after long day on the fields, and realized how sick he was of everything at his farmstead, crappy love-life, etc. Eventually he realized he needed to vent, and started to talk to the animals in the barn. After a few hours, and a few bottles of Soco each day, he grabs a sheep and walks into the house and confronts his wife.
Farmer says, "See, this is the pig I've been forced to f**k each night after work!"
Wife says, "You idiot! That's not a pig that's a sheep!"
Farmer replies, "SHUT THE F**K UP I WAS TALKING TO THE SHEEP!"