What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can't eat it. (highlight or click to read)
I never met a person who could hold a fart so long they could float.
Joke I heard as a kid and still to this day I cannot tell why it makes me laugh.
Please don't infract me Scrapbot; My joke: SO Jesus was observing Earth one day, and discovered how bad a drug problem there is! So he went down with some apostles and hid out in a house to figure out what to do.
He decided since he didn't know what the drugs did, he'd send his apostles to get some, and see what was so harmful about them. Each apostle came back a different day. On the first day, there was a knock at his door, "It is I, Peter! I brought back cocaine! Let me in!" So Jesus let him in and inspected the drug. The second day, there was another knock on the door, "It is I Mark! I have brought back heroine! Let me in!" So Jesus again let him in. This continued for some time, and on the 5th day, there was a knock at the door. Jesus got up and asked who it was, ''IT'S JUDAS, DEA! WE'RE COMING IN!".
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
To be fair, you could replace Obama's name with....pretty much any politician.A teacher asks the kids in her class about the things they need at home.
Joey says, "A computer."
Suzie says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher agrees that both of those things would be useful.
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house, we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No, I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember hearing my dad say: 'Well, that was the last fucking thing we needed!'"
A woman (Orange County Ca. )brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$550.00!" she cried, "$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00"
The wife to the husband:
-Tomorrow is our 20 years anniversary. Can we cook the pig?
-Why? It's not his fault.
...yeah.... can't think of anything better right now. All the other jokes I know are very offensive. (and funnier unfortunately)
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt it into a tire and call it a GoodYear.
Husband and wife...
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
So a blond walks into a store and asks to buy a TV. The store owner glares and says "we don't serve dumb blonds here." So she leaves. The next day, she returns and asks to buy a TV. The store owner glares and this time yells "we don't serve dumb blonds here! Leave and don't come back!" So she leaves. The next day, she dies her hair brown and returns to the store to buy a TV. The owner doesn't fall for it and says, "for the last time, LEAVE!" So she asks him "how did you know it was me?" And the owner replies, "because that was a microwave."
So a blond walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."
My funny jokes would get me forum banned.
If a video game developer removed tumors from players, they'd whine about nerfing their loss in weight and access to radiation powers. -Cracked.com
I think we can all agree that child pornographers are evil, reprehensible, and the scum of the Earth.
Thus, whenever they are apprehended they should be tried as adults.
Last edited by Gorca; 2013-06-10 at 07:11 PM.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?
This is more of visual joke, but it is so funny.
Right so a lot of med students are being introduced to the different parts of the hospital. And one of them is the morgue. The a doctor in the morgue tells the students that you need to get used to the dead and intimit with them, so he sticks his finger up the butt of a one of the corpses and then puts it into his mouth. The students of course aren't that willing to do it, but eventually they muster the courage and one by one they stick their finger up the corpses butt and puts it into their mouth. When the last one is done the doctor says "it is important to be very observant at all times, as you would have seen, I stuck my middle finger up the butt of the corpses and put my index finger into my mouth".
The first time I heard that I cracked up for a good hour and my stomach hurt for days
whats the similarities between basejumping mount everst and getting a blowjob from a 80 year old women? --- you can feel the blowing, but you dont wanna look down.
Funniest joke I know? You
It's time to level up and quit your newbie ways
You need to go outside and get some new V-rays
A fresh breath of air will help you talk again
Inhale, exhale, feel the Oxygen
Uhhh not necessarily funny, but really bad:
What do you call a memorial to a planetary body? (highlight text below)