funniest joke you know

[Selastan]

Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks if he would like a drink.
Descartes says, "I think not," and vanishes into thin air.

[Simplex]

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

A dark sense of humor is like legs. Not everybody has it.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists.

[Powerogue]

I've got better than a joke, I've got a compilation.

[endersblade]

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

[Zardi]

- I don't know what's wrong with me. I like all women, except my wife...
- Same for me! I like all women, except your wife!

[endersblade]

A man was driving down a back road one day, and noticed this farm house that had a beautiful trellis of honeysuckles. So he stops at the farm house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers, "What do you want?" The man replies, "I noticed you had some honeysuckles along side your house. I was wondering if you would mind if I got a bucket of honey from them?" The farmer, baffled, replies, "Son, you can't get honey from honeysuckles!" The man asks, "well, do you mind if I try?" The farmer shakes his head and agrees.

About an hour later, the farmer looks out the window to see the man carrying a bucket of honey to his car.

A few weeks pass by, and the same man is driving by the same farm when he notices a large field full of buttercups. So the man pulls into the farm and knocks on the door. "You again. What now?" The farmer answers. "I noticed you had a field full of buttercups on your back property. I was wondering if you'd mind if I got a bucket of butter from them?" The farmer shakes his head. "Dammit son, you can't get butter from buttercups!" The man smiles, "Well, do you mind if I try?" The farmer agrees and shuts the door.

About an hour later, the farmer looks out the window to see the man carrying a bucket of butter to his car.

Another week later, the same man is driving by the same farm. This time, he notices there's a creek running through part of the property. So he pulls in, and knocks on the door. The farmer answers the door, "What do you want now?" The man smiles, "I noticed you had a creek running along the side of your property, and it appears to be lined with pussy willows." The farmer interrupts the man, "Hold on son, let me grab my hat - I'm coming with you!"

[Ariselea]

What's long and black?
The line to Centerlink.

Racist as hell, heard it during school.

[endersblade]

What's long and black?
The line to Centerlink.

Racist as hell, heard it during school.

I don't even know what Centerlink is.

[Deleted]

I don't even know what Centerlink is.

It's the Australian unemployment office.

[jackofwind]

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi Dooooo!

[Pull My Finger]

Pull my finger!

[Selastan]

My waitress the other day had a black eye.

I ordered slowly, since she obviously has trouble listening.

[Putin-Chan]

"I'm bored"
"Hi bored, I'm dad!"

[Deleted]

My grandpa died in Auschwitz.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He fell out of the guard tower.

[Valstorm Warsong]

[Tenris]

What do you get if you cross a bear and a camel?
A fireside rug you can have a good hump on.

[Gamgameil]

There are three types of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.

[Champagne Supernova]

There's an alternative ending to Dr. Who, where it's about a guy who gives young women hallucinogenic drugs and shags them in a phonebooth.

[Deleted]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are sitting on a plane with a 10 year old boy. The plane starts falling down, and the two pilots grab two parachutes and jump off.
Three parachutes are left for the four of them.
After that the rabbi takes a parachute and jump off.
The priest and minister are left, staring at each other. The minister grabs a parachute and says " F**k the kid, I'm out of here"
The priest replies " You think there's time?"

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An american, a frenchman and a bulgarian are on a plane.
The american grabs a suitcase full of money and says" We in america have plenty of money", and throws the suitcase out of the plane.
The frenchman grabs a case of wine, says "We in france have plenty of wine" and throws it as well.
The bulgarian stares at them, after that grabs a gypsy says " We in bulgaria have plenty of gypsies"


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A huge earthquake hits Turkey, cities destroyed and around 8 million people died.
The americans decide to send money and medicine
The french send food and water
The russians send tents and clothes
The germans send 8 million turks.


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[LiiLoSNK]

The selective infracting on the offensive racist/sexist jokes makes me want to suggest that the moderation of mmochampion is the funniest joke present in this thread. But I'd probably get infracted if I suggested that. So I won't suggest that. So here's a safe joke.

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he serves helicopter flavored potato chips.
Bartender says, "Nope. Only plane".