Chuk Norris quote:
I once fought a cobra!
After five day's of suffering!
The cobra died!
Guy 1: Want a joke?
Guy 2: If i wanted a joke i would follow you in the men's rest room and watch you pee.
I couldn't stop laughing when i heard this one.
“Worse than a feud with the Anglo-Saxons can only be a friendship with them.” - Alexej Jedrichin–Wandram
A man walks into a bar.
He said "ouch!"
It was an iron bar.
- Tommy Cooper
A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.
Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)
The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."
Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.)
The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it."
The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"
(Interpreter signs his statement.)
The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."
The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
DEAF COUPLE AT MOTEL:
A deaf couple check into a motel. They retire early. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes her husband complaining of a headache and asks him to go to the car and get some aspirin from the glove compartment. Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and goes out of the room to his car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel. But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up, all but one. It's his wife's room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the room without a light.
((The next joke is funnier if you just substitute a politician of your choice, or businessman, or whatever...))
So this president of a somewhat opressed state finally dies and goes to the gates of Heaven. At the gates, Peter stops him and tsks softly "I AM really sorry, but I don't think you're allowed to enter just as you are..." He consults the book and nods "See... It says here while you weren't a really evil man considering your circumstances, you do still need to atone for your sins in Purgatory for a while until you're allowed to enter. But you're in luck. The bossman has had a new idea where you get to choose for yourself where to go."
Peter leads the man over three huge doors and looks at him "Now, these are going to be the choices where you are going to have to spend the next five-hundred years..."
With that warning, Peter opens the first door and a blast SO cold comes out, the man feels like he's already freezing solid. Inside are poor sinners, trapped in ice, but their clattering teeth and moaning from the cold is still audible. "No no no... close this door... I've seen enough." he says.
Peter, then, opens the next door and out comes a heat so oppressive the man could swear he's already on fire. The inside almost looks like how Hell was once described to him, only without the actual torture. Again he backs off and tells Peter he's seen enough.
The third door is opened and a stench rolls out that even takes away Peters breath for a second or two. But when he looks inside, all the man can see is a buch of people standing up to their wastes in excrement, having a cup of coffee and eating biscuits.
With these choices for him to consider, he has quickly made up his mind... It's either five-hundred years of being frozen, being baked or... well, the people in the latter room don't seem to discomforted and he figures he can get used to the smell eventually. He makes his choice, Peter has him strip and in he goes.
He takes a few moments to get to breathing more calmly again and starts to make his way over to one of the carts where he can see cups of coffee and a tray of cookies untill suddenly a disembodied voice booms out across the area...
"Allright people, your daily coffee-break is over! Back to doing handstands!"
Participant in the Rhonin Diaries 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Not the best Rogue in the world, just a Tribute.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks before i went for a walk.
My cofee was so black that he ask me if i want to buy some cock
Why is Princess Diana like a Ferrerro Rocher?
Because they both came out of France in a box.
Currently only reading the Funny Pictures Megathread because the rest of the forums is filled with piss, whiners and pissed whiners.