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  1. #141
    Why doesn't Justin Bieber like to shop at Sport's Authority?

    Because he prefers Dicks.

  2. #142
    Scarab Lord MasterOfKnees's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drewan View Post
    A baby seal walks into a club ...*ba'dum tish*
    Oh no, oh god why D:

  3. #143
    SEX JOKE FOR YOU LOT HERE!

    So a kid walks in on his parents having sex, he look intensely for a moment before asking,
    "Mummy, what are you doing to daddy?"
    To which the mother replies,
    "Oh don't worry hunny, I'm just flattening your father to make him thin again"
    The boy look curious for a second,
    "Okay Mummy"
    As he turns to go out the room, the mother breaths a sigh of relief, as he get to the door way he turns around once more and says
    "But mummy, theres no point in you doing that"
    The mother, confused, then says,
    "Whys that hunny?"
    "Well every time you go out to work, Mrs Brown from next door comes back in and blows him back up again!"

    I have loads more, although their ban worthy on here I'd imagine

  4. #144
    The Lightbringer Ciddy's Avatar
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    There are a few different variations of this one. Sometimes there are different locations (one has it taking place in Canada with a mountie instead of a state trooper).

    It's about 7:00pm (later part of the year so it's getting dark outside), and a guy gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. He's doing 80mph in a 40mph zone. After the guy shows his license/registration, the trooper asks him why he was speeding. He responds, "Well, you see, I'm a juggler in the circus. I have a routine where I balance myself on top of a ball and juggle things. I'm on my way to a show, but I'm already 15 minutes late. The place is packed, they're trying to stall the audience right now, and these people are going to riot if I don't get there soon."

    The trooper thinks about this for a second and decides to make the man a deal:
    "Tell you what. I really shouldn't do this, but I'll make you a deal. I'm really fascinated by the circus. I especially enjoy watching juggling. If you can put on a good show for me, I'll let you off with a warning and won't give you a ticket. I'll even escort you to the circus so you can get there faster. Deal?"

    The man agrees, but he had all his equipment sent to the circus ahead of time. He has nothing to juggle, and he doesn't have the ball he uses for the balancing act. The trooper opens his trunk, pulls out three emergency flares and a spare tire, and asks if those will work. The man agrees, so the trooper lights the flares, hands them to the man, and starts watching as the man juggles them while balancing himself on the spare tire.

    Another driver pulls in behind the trooper's patrol car. After observing for a minute, he calmly exits his vehicle, walks over to the patrol car, and takes a seat in the back. The trooper, noticing this, walks over to his patrol car to ask the man just what he thinks he's doing. The man responds:

    "You might as well just take me to jail now, cause there's no fuckin' way I'm gonna pass that test."
    I have some really good ones, but uh...they might get me banned, so I'm gonna hold off.
    Last edited by Ciddy; 2012-10-07 at 06:38 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by SourceOfInfection View Post
    Sometimes you gotta stop sniffing used schoolgirl panties and start being a fucking samurai.

  5. #145
    Scarab Lord slime's Avatar
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    so many jokes over the course of a lifetime... I'm sure there are funnier out there but the one I tend to say a lot now is:

    What do 5 out of 6 people enjoy?
    .
    ..
    ...
    ....
    .....
    .......
    Gang rape.

  6. #146
    What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?
    100 people who don't do dick.

  7. #147
    Quote Originally Posted by jaggetee View Post
    What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?
    100 people who don't do dick.
    hahaha that is true.. politicians dont do anything

  8. #148
    Dreadlord hermansen's Avatar
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    How do you start a rave party in africa?

    You glue a toast to the ceiling *badum'tish*


    Distasteful, I know :P

  9. #149
    Scarab Lord Satan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by slime View Post
    so many jokes over the course of a lifetime... I'm sure there are funnier out there but the one I tend to say a lot now is:

    What do 5 out of 6 people enjoy?
    .
    ..
    ...
    ....
    .....
    .......
    Gang rape.
    Good one.
    pro-gun liberal

  10. #150
    Stood in the Fire Knails's Avatar
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    What'd one tampon say to the other....?

    Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.

  11. #151
    Pandaren Monk Klutzington's Avatar
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    I tried to tell a Chemistry joke, but now all the good puns Argon.

  12. #152
    whats brown and sticky?
    a stick

  13. #153
    Heard this one a few days ago.

    "Helium walks into a bar,
    The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gasses here."
    Helium doesn't react."

  14. #154
    The Lightbringer Ciddy's Avatar
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    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates, so he gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

    The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed.

    He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her......

    ...


    ...



    .....then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
    Last edited by Ciddy; 2012-11-02 at 02:18 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by SourceOfInfection View Post
    Sometimes you gotta stop sniffing used schoolgirl panties and start being a fucking samurai.

  15. #155
    Epic! Blockygame's Avatar
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    What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?

    Pump-kin.
    HOOKED ON DIABLOL, GOOD TIMES ARE BEING HAD

  16. #156
    Stood in the Fire mjolnir1122's Avatar
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    Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style?

    So they can both keep watching the hockey game.
    For sure I thought the punchline on this one was going to be "Because Moose"

  17. #157
    Mechagnome
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    A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices
    that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees
    oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
    stops at the first gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around
    town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona,
    decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

    He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
    Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his
    little flippers.

    After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station
    and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic
    looks up and says,

    "It looks like you blew a seal."

    "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 02:46 AM ----------

    This elephant was walking through the jungle one day when she got
    a thorn in her foot. The further she walked, the more it hurt and
    after a while, she started to limp.

    As she was limping along, an ant walks up and asks, "Hey, what's
    the matter?"

    The elephant says, "I've got this thorn in my foot and I would do *anything* to get
    it out."

    The ant says, "Anything? Well, would you let me screw you?"

    The elephant thought about it for a minute and decided, "Why not?
    How bad could an ant be?" So she agreed.

    The ant started pulling on the thorn and, eventually, got it out.

    True to her word, the elephant then laid down on her side and
    moved her tail out of the way. The ant crawled up and started
    going to town.

    A monkey was up in a coconut palm watching all this. He couldn't
    quite believe his eyes. When the ant mounted the elephant, the
    monkey started laughing and rolling around in the tree. So he picks up
    a coconut and tries to knock the ant off the elephant, but he misses,
    and hits the elephant in the head instead.

    The elephant moaned loudly in pain, "Awwoooohhhhh!"

    Hearing this, the ant yelled out at the top of his voice,

    "That's right bitch, take it all!"

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 02:49 AM ----------

    A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with
    murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

    From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

    "Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all
    the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and
    says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a
    shovel."

    "You godddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.

    "Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel,
    and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman
    with an electric drill."

    "You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge
    thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts
    right now, I will hold in contempt!"

    So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for
    ten years now, and every time I asked to borrow a tool he said
    he didn't have it!"

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 02:49 AM ----------

    Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style?

    So they can both keep watching the hockey game.

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 02:50 AM ----------

    Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy.

    Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her
    apartment to fool around.

    She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a
    finger in me."

    Bob obliges.

    Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."

    Once again, Bob obliges.

    Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in
    there."

    So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in
    your other hand."

    Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"

    Bob tries, but nothing doing.

    "I can't!" he says.

    Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"

    ___________________________________________________________________


    A woman with eight children happened to run across a childhood
    friend of hers on the street corner.

    "Myrna," she asked, "How come you got no kids?"

    "I practice preventative measures," was her answer.

    "Preventative measures? What kind?" asked Evelyn.

    "I use two saucers and a box" said Myrna.

    "What do you mean two saucers and a box," asked Evelyn, "how does
    that help?"

    "My husband's a lot shorter than I am and we like to screw
    standing up. When he gets frisky I put the two saucers on the
    table, hike up my dress and spread my legs. He stands on the box
    so he can get all the way up inside me and then starts jumping up
    and down"

    "So where does all this get you?" asked Evelyn, confused.

    "Well I watch him very closely. When his eyes get as big as those
    two saucers, I kick the box out from under him."

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 02:59 AM ----------

    A beautiful young Jewish girl comes home and says,

    "Ma, I got married."

    Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."

    She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."

    Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."

    She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your
    wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of
    luxury for the rest of your lives."

    Six months later, she walks in the beautiful new house she bought
    for her parents and says,

    "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff
    me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my
    ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now,
    it's the size of a silver dollar."

    Her mother says,

    "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 03:00 AM ----------

    A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"

    The doctor says, "What's your problem?"

    The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,
    give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

    I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a
    blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do
    some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the
    photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office
    girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her
    a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a
    good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.
    Then at night I give the missus another screw..."

    "Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

    The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 03:01 AM ----------

    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
    away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
    casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
    casket.

    They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
    woman is actually alive!

    She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again
    held and, at the end of the service, the pallbearers are once
    more carrying the casket.

    As they are walking out, the husband shouts,

    "Watch out for that fucking wall!"
    Last edited by Pontificate; 2012-11-02 at 02:56 AM.
    Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

  18. #158
    Field Marshal NoddyBoppin's Avatar
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    A letter G walks into a Hexadecimal bar, The bar man says, "Why the wrong base?"

  19. #159
    Field Marshal NoddyBoppin's Avatar
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    For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid. Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

    My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger. Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.

    I'm not saying my wife is ugly, but I always sit on my hand first before fingering her, just so it feels like someone else is doing it.

  20. #160
    Mechagnome
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    Lol that's probably enough for now. Hope you enjoyed.

    ---------- Post added 2012-11-02 at 03:12 AM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by Noddy View Post

    I'm not saying my wife is ugly, but I always sit on my hand first before fingering her, just so it feels like someone else is doing it.
    My wife's kinda rough herself. Whenever I put my hand down her pants to finger her, it feels like I'm feeding a horse a sugarcube.
    Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

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