3 men are out on a jungle expedition, A french guy, a Russian and american. They all end up captured by headhunters.
As they're struggling the chief walks up and says in a thick accent, "Do you not fight, for you will die anyway. But please take solace in the fact that we will use all parts of you. The hair will be used for padding, your bones for tools, and you skin for canoes and tents. If you'd like, you may kill yourselves instead of us. Take your choice." He then hands each of them a knife.
The french man screams, "Viva la France!" and slits his throat.
The russian yells, "For the motherland!" and slits his throat.
The american looks at the chief, back to the knife and starts stabbing himself all over his body while screaming "THERE'S YOUR FUCKING CANOE"
Its not intended to be offensive to the Christians but as a Canadian I found this one hilarious.
Why didn't Jesus play Hockey? He didn't like getting nailed to the boards!
I will tell you the crocodile joke.
What's the common denominator between most WoW players? Authentigator HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
Do not read if you don't like foul humour!
What does Maddie McCann and a submarine have in common?
They're both below the surface and full of seamen.
What's the difference between Maddie and football?
Football's coming home!
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she didn't wear a seatbelt.
Why was white chocolate invented?
So even black kids can have a messy face at easter.
I'm not a native English speaker, and yet, I don't suck at English. The argument "English is not my mother tongue" doesn't actually give you an excuse to do so.
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks around and notices that at the far end there's a horse tethered to a rope and a big tub full of money sitting next to it. He finds this curious so he leans over the bar and gets the bartenders attention, asking him what that's all about.
"Well, " Says the bartender, "For a dollar you can enter our special contest. If you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the tub."
The guy arches an eyebrow and nods "I'll play that." he answers the bartender and tosses his dollar into the tub before walking up to the horse. He then leans over and whispers something in the horses ear. The beast looks at him, eyes him up and down and starts to laugh, he's laughing so hard that tears are rolling down his cheeks.
The cowboy, naturally, buys everyone a drink and pockets whatever is left over, then leaves the bar after he's had his drink...
A week later he returns to the same bar. Again, there's the horse and the tub full of money and the cowboy asks the bartender if he has to get the horse to laugh again.
"No no no, my friend." the bartender starts "Since making the horse laugh already worked, we've got a new challenge. He's been chuckling now and then ever since you left last week, so this time the challenge is making him cry."
The cowboy rubs his chin and mms, pondering "Is it ok if I take him out back for a second?"
The bartender considers this, but is curious how this cowboy -who made the horse laugh so hard last week- is going to do this and nods "Alright, just as long don't hurt him, that'd be cheating."
The cowboy nods and tosses his dollar in the tub again, unties the horse and leads it out. A few moments later they come back in and the horse is crying its eyes out. It's bawling so hard even some of the other patrons are starting to look sad. So the cowboy gets everyone a round of drinks again and begins to pocket the leftover cash and while he's doing this, the bartender leans over towards him.
"Friend... you HAVE to tell me what you did. Last week you got him to laugh so hard we couldn't shut him up, and now you just go out and come back in and he's crying like a kid who dropped his candy. Tell me your secret."
The cowboy turns to the bartender and grins, leaning back "I'll tell you..." he starts "Last week I told the horse my dick was bigger than his... Today I showed him."
Participant in the Rhonin Diaries 1, 2, 3 and 4.
Not the best Rogue in the world, just a Tribute.
"So, this Irishman walks out of the pub."
That's the joke.
Don't expect others to be happy with you if you aren't happy with yourself.