funniest joke you know

[Csnyder]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[muto]

Csnyder. I love you. +∞

[Ciddy]

A teacher asks the kids in her class about the things they need at home.

Joey says, "A computer."
Suzie says, "A new lawn mower."

The teacher agrees that both of those things would be useful.

Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house, we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "No, I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember hearing my dad say: 'Well, that was the last fucking thing we needed!'"

To be fair, you could replace Obama's name with....pretty much any politician.

[Deleted]

A woman (Orange County Ca. )brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$550.00!" she cried, "$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00"

[Nario64]

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00"

Haha, I didn't see that coming. Very funny.

[Deleted]

The wife to the husband:

-Tomorrow is our 20 years anniversary. Can we cook the pig?
-Why? It's not his fault.

...yeah.... can't think of anything better right now. All the other jokes I know are very offensive. (and funnier unfortunately)

[Linkedblade]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt it into a tire and call it a GoodYear.

[Deleted]

Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!


AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[Adam Jensen]

So a blond walks into a store and asks to buy a TV. The store owner glares and says "we don't serve dumb blonds here." So she leaves. The next day, she returns and asks to buy a TV. The store owner glares and this time yells "we don't serve dumb blonds here! Leave and don't come back!" So she leaves. The next day, she dies her hair brown and returns to the store to buy a TV. The owner doesn't fall for it and says, "for the last time, LEAVE!" So she asks him "how did you know it was me?" And the owner replies, "because that was a microwave."

So a blond walks into a barbershop with a pair of headphones on her head. She sits at the chair and the barber asks her to take the headphones off. She refuses, telling the barber that if she takes them off, she'll die. So the barber tries to cut around the headphones, but he grows impatient. After a while, not believing her comment, he pulls them off her. Quickly, she turns purple, keels over, and dies. Bewildered, the barber picks up the headphones to see what she was listening to that was keeping her alive. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

My funny jokes would get me forum banned.

[Gorca]

I think we can all agree that child pornographers are evil, reprehensible, and the scum of the Earth.
Thus, whenever they are apprehended they should be tried as adults.

[Volitar]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?





0

[Deleted]

This is more of visual joke, but it is so funny.
Right so a lot of med students are being introduced to the different parts of the hospital. And one of them is the morgue. The a doctor in the morgue tells the students that you need to get used to the dead and intimit with them, so he sticks his finger up the butt of a one of the corpses and then puts it into his mouth. The students of course aren't that willing to do it, but eventually they muster the courage and one by one they stick their finger up the corpses butt and puts it into their mouth. When the last one is done the doctor says "it is important to be very observant at all times, as you would have seen, I stuck my middle finger up the butt of the corpses and put my index finger into my mouth".

The first time I heard that I cracked up for a good hour and my stomach hurt for days

[Madcloud]

so not the funniest, but appropriate

a Death Knight, Warrior and Paladin walk into a bar and say "LF2M, Tank and Healer".

/facepalm


here is one i heard the other day, more of a funny pickup line.

hey, do you work on a rooster farm?

because you're raising my.....yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa giggity

[Lomppa]

whats the similarities between basejumping mount everst and getting a blowjob from a 80 year old women? --- you can feel the blowing, but you dont wanna look down.

[Nario64]

whats the similarities between base-jumping mount Everest and getting a blowjob from a 80 year old women? --- you can feel the blowing, but you don't wanna look down.

You know, I get the joke, but if you're base-jumping from Everest, you're going to want to look down because that's the whole point. People that base-jump aren't the ones that keep their eyes closed the whole fall.

[marthsk]

Funniest joke I know? You

[Deleted]

Uhhh not necessarily funny, but really bad:

What do you call a memorial to a planetary body? (highlight text below)

An orbituary.

[Deleted]

Bill Gates croaked it and met his maker, and God said, “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and we even have them up here now, yet you created that ghastly Windows. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill Gates said, “What’s the difference between the two?” God said, “It might help you decide if you took a peek. I’ve set up webcams at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?” Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear blue waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. “This is great!” said Bill. “If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven.” God said, “Here then” and clicked on his mouse and they viewed Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. “God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell.” “As you wish,” said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. “How you doing, Bill?” asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, “This is awful! This isn’t what we watched at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?” “Oh, that,” said God. “That was the screen saver…”

[Sherebear]

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt it into a tire and call it a GoodYear.

That made me lol irl

[Callous1970]

How do tell when your sister is having her period?

Your Dad's dick tastes funny.