funniest joke you know

[ColbaneX]

US Politics

[Deleted]

An infinte number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 beer. The third orders 1/4 beer. etc.
The barkeeper serves 2 beers and says: "The rest is on the house."


I hope my translation didn't kill the joke.

Haha, like this one.

[Omertocracy]

US Politics

Hey now. They called for funny jokes. Not ones that are terrifying and disgusting.

[mahonisaya]

a Monk, Paladin and Druid walk into a bar and say "LF2M , Tank and Healer."

I'll up this...
Three paladins walk into a bar and say "LF2M, Tank and a Healer."

[Zen4lyfe]

what happens when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[MetroStratics]

Blueobelisk

One of the funnier jokes, without question.

[Keltas]

The best joke I know?

My life.

[Deleted]

what happens when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

You get some idiot barging in who replies to the rhetorical joke, ruining it.

[Deleted]

I know some, but most of them are racist / politically incorrect.
So here's a normal one..

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss.

[The Oblivion]

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

New Yorkers, some of them can go through 110 stories in 5 seconds.

(bad taste i know xD)

omfg. peed myself nearly

[christarp]

everyone in this thread

[superstarz]

Q.How many men does it take to open a beer??


A. None, it should be open by the time she brings it to you

[Deleted]

A priest offered a nun a lift after sermon.
She got in & crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said "father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said "father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak".

Arriving back at the convent, the nun sighed heavily & went on her way.

After heading back to the church, the priest rushed to look up psalm 129.
It said "Go forth & seek, further up, you will find glory".

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[Deleted]

I only know racist jokes :/

ok maybe I can think of one appropriate joke..


a rabbit goes into a grocery store and asks the cashier if he has any bubble gum, the cashier says no. The rabbit asks him again. The cashier says no again. The rabbit asks for the third time and the cashier angrily says that if he asks him one more time he's gonna nail him onto the wall. The rabbit asks for the fourth time. The cashier grabs him and nails him onto the wall. The rabbit looks to his left and sees Jesus hanging there and asks him 'Did you also want bubble gum?'

now laugh or I'm gonna nail you onto a damn wall

[Hishiro]

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his pizza? Because he ate it before it was cool.

[Blueobelisk]

One of the funnier jokes, without question.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing.

[Deleted]

Heard this one a couple of times ago and still makes me laugh lol

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.
"Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks.
"That depends," says the doctor. "Do you smoke?"
"No." "Do you drink?" 

"No."
"Do you fool around with loose women?"
"Of course not." 
"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?"

[Deleted]

Great jokes guys

[endersblade]

It's a long one:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

[May90]

"Hey, Joe. Why are you crying? What happened?"
"Ah, it is horrible. My wife has left me for my best friend, Fred!"
"Oh... I'm so sorry!"
"I know... Poor Freddy. "