Monogamy: your thoughts

[Nah]

I found this extremely relevant:



Personally, the issue of monogamy (and moving across the country to go to grad school where there will be a plethora of intelligent, attractive single people) is something my bf and I have talked about recently. We discussed the idea of going "open" for a set period of time, though we decided we're not quite ready to explore that outlet just yet. I'm sure it will come up again in the future, but in the mean time we've both been working on spicing things up and increasing spontaneity. A lot of people would be bothered by their partner telling them they've thought about a non-monogamous relationship, and people tend to warn me that my bf only brought it up because he's either cheating or tempted to cheat and just wants permission so he doesn't end up in the dog house. Pish posh, I say. Clearly these people don't know what open, honest communication is supposed to look like. Sharing our most intimate, secret desires with each other has greatly strengthened our understanding of and respect for each other.

Anyway, ah, that was a little off-topic I suppose. ^^; My point is, your feelings are totally normal. Ask yourself honestly, why do you believe the relationship will grow stale just because other options may be available? Has it already grown stale? You say "I care about my girlfriend and think highly of her," but the wording seems a bit weak and uncertain to me. How openly do you communicate? How does she feel about being "dragged along" when you go to grad school? Has she expressed any concern (or has she even considered) that either you, she, or both of you will likely be surrounded by new, interesting, attractive people? These are things you should be asking yourself (and possibly her as well).

Good luck to ya.

[Vizardlorde]

Personally I'd prefer a monogamous relationship but that doesn't seem to work for everyone, I'd recommend finding an open-minded Gf/gfs and surround yourself with open-minded friends and do your stuff without betraying your partner/partners . Cheating kills the purpose of a relationship IMO. If that doesn't work either you don't need a relationship to have sex, you can enjoy your youth while it lasts til maybe your 50s idk and if you got money you can go w/o a relationship for the rest of your life.

[Kalis]

There are three options:

1) Split up with your girlfriend and go party.

2) Get your girlfriend to go with you and, judging by the tone of your post, resent her for it.

3) Convince your girlfriend that threesomes are the future and take her with you.

I'd aim for 3, but with the understanding that 1 is the most likely outcome.

[Gheld]

Dear MMO-C,

I have a dilemma.

For the past year, I have been in a typical, exclusive relationship. The person I'm dating is smart, attractive, and good company, but I have my doubts about the long term potential. Why? Because I think monogamy doesn't work for most people.

In six months I will have to make a big decision as I think about going to graduate school. This decision will involve moving across the country (and presumably dragging my girlfriend along). But what is giving me pause in my current relationship is that I will be surrounded by many attractive options when it comes to the dating scene. There are going to be tons of smart, attractive, exotic, interesting, etc. etc. single women.

The main problem is that monogamy asks you to make a unique sort of decision. The problem with the decision is not so much "do I want to date X" but "do I want to not date all of non-X." That is a HUGE decision to make, and given innate human tendencies, I do not think it is rational or practical.

This is tough for me, because I care about my girlfriend and I think highly of her, but at the same time I believe the relationship will become stale and I will regret my decision to get her involved in a cross-country move, just for me to decide I'd rather have new options.

I realize that if I keep this attitude, I will likely never find a life partner -- or if I do, it will have to be some sort of open-minded or polyamorous situation. I'm willing to entertain those ideas, but I wanted to hear your thoughts (pro-monogamy or not) on the issue.

Well, not to start with stereotypes, but most chicks who are in to polyamory are those crazy 'new-age' hipster type women, you know, the ones that don't shave their legs and dress like lumberjacks.

Secondly, monogamy isn't natural, but (even though it fails 50% of the time) by greatly reducing the number of sexual partners we have, it has helped contribute to the longevity of individual humans by reducing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. It is also highly beneficial on an economic level, because it saves you the time and money of constantly courting new partners.

Thirdly, all that said, you should be honest and cut your girlfriend lose, because just from the information you've provided I can assure you she deserves better.

[Deleted]

You'll kick yourself and think you made the wrong choice no matter what you decide.

[Reeve]

My thoughts are that I believe in the Golden Rule. I wouldn't want my (currently nonexistent) girlfriend/wife to be sleeping with other guys, so I'm not about to go sleep with other girls. Now if you don't mind sharing a person and you're open about that and the other person agrees, have fun. But that's not for me. Monogamy all the way.

[Verain]

If your monogamy has two people in it, and one isn't really monogamous, it's a crappy monogamy.

[RoKPaNda]

sounds like you just dont want to commit to a real relationship. thats fine, break up with her and mess around all you like.

This. Just break up with her because it sounds like you're not interested in a real relationship so stop wasting her time.

[Verain]

My thoughts are that I believe in the Golden Rule. I wouldn't want my (currently nonexistent) girlfriend/wife to be sleeping with other guys, so I'm not about to go sleep with other girls. Now if you don't mind sharing a person and you're open about that and the other person agrees, have fun. But that's not for me. Monogamy all the way.

Don't take this as in insult:

It's likely, based on your response, that you have less options sexually than past and future girlfriends of yours. In other words, while you are probably a great guy, you're not in that top percent that garners the vast majority of female attention. Would you also have this opinion if you were, say, as attractive as Brad Pitt? In other words, does your policy stem for pragmatism or principle?

[Reeve]

Don't take this as in insult:

It's likely, based on your response, that you have less options sexually than past and future girlfriends of yours. In other words, while you are probably a great guy, you're not in that top percent that garners the vast majority of female attention. Would you also have this opinion if you were, say, as attractive as Brad Pitt? In other words, does your policy stem for pragmatism or principle?

I couldn't tell you, because I'm not as attractive as Brad Pitt. I am, however, attractive enough that I've had the affections of several women at the same time, and in that situation, I always tend to gravitate towards one girl, and I drop the others. That's not really a case of principle, however, so much as it's how my emotional attachment works. When I find a girl I'm really interested in, all the others become unimportant.

[Donald Hellscream]

unless she is cool with you hooking up with other girls while being with her i'd say atleast have the decency to break up with her first.

[RoKPaNda]

Don't take this as in insult:

It's likely, based on your response, that you have less options sexually than past and future girlfriends of yours. In other words, while you are probably a great guy, you're not in that top percent that garners the vast majority of female attention. Would you also have this opinion if you were, say, as attractive as Brad Pitt? In other words, does your policy stem for pragmatism or principle?

Once you get beyond the college student days, life doesn't really work that way. I know that in the music industry and hollywood it's portrayed as being like that forever, but once a person gets into the adult world they quickly realize that they're not in that top percent and neither are any of the people around them.

When I find a girl I'm really interested in, all the others become unimportant.

This as well. This is how it works for most people, or most people I've known anyway, and for myself as well.

[Stede]

It's not for everyone, particularly in your stage of life. But to say that monogamy doesn't work for most people is, frankly, ignorant. It reeks of your projecting your own insecurities about your situation as fact so that you can try to find justification for being the way you are. You'll find you're much bette roff in life when you're simply unapologetically honest without yourself about what you are and how you feel about it.

[Deleted]

I'd say be upfront with here. Monogamy is something anti-nature and is rationalized by human beings.
For some it works (which is great), for some it doesn't. However, whatever you need or decide make sure she knows.
Because you're still in a relationship, you create the rules together (whether you go for an open or exclusive relationship), but play by those rules, it's unfair to her if you don't.

[Fuzzzie]

It think it's great. It stains well and is pretty durable. It is more expensive than things like Ash or Maple though, but well worth the price if you can afford it.

[Verain]

Modern society makes it hard to get mahogany!

[Tazienne]

Views on topics like this will vary from person to person, but the biggest thing to keep in mind is that whatever the decision is, it has to work for everyone involved, be it 2 or be it 10.

After being married for 6 years to a women who I knew was bisexual when I met her, she started the discussions of involving another woman in our relationship to some extent. I was against it at first but eventually she won me over as I came to realize more and more that it was something that we would benefit all of us and could be made to work more than I had anticipated. We had 5 children and having another parent and partner around sounded nice.

It was still a long road, over a year, before we actually brought in our girlfriend into the relationship. She was a single mom with a son of her own. There was a bit of jealousy at the start that had to be worked out and the most difficult part is realizing that sometimes equal time and treatment can't be realistic for everyone. Second to that is the big fact that non-traditional relationships are very taboo in most cultures. We got very odd looks when the three of us went out together and a PDA might take place. People joke about threesomes, but poly is a very different concept that most people simply cannot handle.

We were all together for over a year before wife passed away and that was when I realized that everything that we had endured as a whole was worth it when I had someone to share my grief and pain with who understood it. Now the girlfriend of my first wife and I are engaged and planning a life together that will always include thoughts of our other love without any concerns or jealousy.

Poly isn't something I would ever do again after having done it already, but that's because I've lost a love and I don't believe I could find another. Finding a second partner who fit with the two of us originally was hard enough. It wouldn't happen again so monogamy is the way to be for me now.

[Deleted]

OP you're still young, wouldn't worry about serious commitment at that point. I used to think monogamy wasn't for me, but after getting all the dirty, filthy deeds out of me in the 20's I'm happily looking forward to finding someone to grow old with.

[DEATHETERNAL]

It think it's great. It stains well and is pretty durable. It is more expensive than things like Ash or Maple though, but well worth the price if you can afford it.

lol @ mahogany.

OT: Get a woman that you can stick with and who will stick with you and be happy. That really is the greatest thing any man can ask in this life.

[xylophone]

It think it's great. It stains well and is pretty durable. It is more expensive than things like Ash or Maple though, but well worth the price if you can afford it.

Canadians and their lumber...