View Poll Results: Are you forever alone ?

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  • Yes. Now and forever.

    232 25.55%
  • Yes but I hope I find someone

    405 44.60%
  • No, I am with someone.

    271 29.85%
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  1. #841
    It's funny: If this topic existed a few years ago, I would have answered with the first option but being by yourself gets to you after almost six years. I'm more of a victim of situation rather than my own self-confidence. (though that has been a factor as well) I like to think I'm attractive, when I take the time to clean myself up (I tend to get very lazy when it comes to shaving) and being a geek is no longer something you hide out of fear of getting beat up. However, what makes it difficult for me is the aftermath of the divorce almost six years ago now. We had a child while still married, she leaves and eventually decides she wants child support despite promising me she would never go for it. (Also, please don't read this and assume I'm a deadbeat. I love my daughter and I'm very much a part of her life.) For those of you who have paid or are paying it now, you should be familiar with it. Long story short, my child support is high enough (especially when you add in my other bills and look up the cost of living for my area) that I am pretty much stuck to live with my parents until I get to the point where I'll be able to make enough to off-set it.

    That part I think is what gets me the most because the moment someone sees '27 year old who still lives with his parents' they're automatically brushed off as a loser. This sort of starts to nibble my self-confidence from time to time to the point where i start linking my appearance and personality to it. It feels odd but yet, strangely refreshing, to say this to a bunch of people online I've never met.

  2. #842
    Quote Originally Posted by SylvanaSlave View Post
    I respect the analogy and see where you are coming from but it implies that those among us who are taking longer than others to get over a breakup are making a big deal over nothing. Like I have said before, everybody has their own way of dealing with a breakup in their own time, and nobody has the right to reserve judgement over that person to tell them they are doing it wrong or are taking too long, or whatever. I'm not saying you are saying that, I am just clarifying my standpoint on this matter (again).

    I have never said, with respect to myself, that I have not got over my last breakup. What I am saying is that it has made me extremely wary of getting into future relationships in case it puts me through that emotional hell all over again, and it would seem this is what Vizardlorde has been saying too. This does not make us weak compared to other people who get over their breakups quicker, because it is only ourselves who can really describe the effect it has had on us. This is what I was objecting to earlier, where people were saying "Oh I've been through worse and I got over it, so you should too" and "You're only young, that relationship means nothing to you", as if to basically suggest nobody but us knows how it affected us and how a breakup affects a person is entirely subjective to the individual. That is all I have been arguing for people to accept, because it is not a hard thing to accept. All it requires is to not be so narrow-minded and arrogant.

    With respect to your analogy, I'm not saying you are one of these people. In many ways the analogy is actually rather accurate, but it could do with a tweak so that it is not implying that people such as myself and Vizardlorde are over-reacting. I have got over my breakup. Like I said in an earlier post, I am on talking terms with my ex who betrayed me all those years ago. I have moved on but while we are still friends, I do reserve some disdain for what she put me through and how I feel about getting into relationships now. She herself has apologised to me for her part in me feeling like this, so even she can understand the effect the breakup had, and she doesn't think I am over-reacting. Betrayal by those you love and trust the most leaves deep psychological scars, and unless you've been through the same situation, you cannot understand the effect. As a friend I like her, and I am glad we are still able to talk to each other about things that usual friends do, but the difficulty I am having in forgiving her is still there. It is complicated, but it is entirely possible to be friends with somebody and yet not forgive them for how they have treated you in the past. She knows how she treated me has affected me and she understands it too, and yet we are still close as friends. This is how complicated breakups can make things.

    If anything, being wary of future relationships does not make us weaker, but wiser. Maybe before we would go headlong into relationships without thinking of the risks involved, but not any more. Now we have learnt from past experiences and are not going to get involved with somebody without being a lot more certain than before. It's called learning from mistakes through instinct. If we pick up a hot pan and drop it, we do not go and pick up the same pan five minutes later. We have learnt from that experience and how it hurts and are now more wary for next time, so as to prevent the same harm coming to us again. The emotional recovery from a breakup is no different.
    See, you're still insisting that I (and others) were being arrogant; that's not the case. All we're saying is that you'll get over it. You will. You know this.

    And yet you seem to think I'm attacking you personally for how long it's taken you to get over it. Please, tell me where I said how long you were taking was an issue at all. All I was telling you is that your outlook in your previous posts is silly. You are that child crying over the balloon floating away, even though it's no longer in sight. There's no tweaking needed.

    You're being defensive over nothing, and it's making you seem like more of a child.

    More to the point of this post: you don't sound like you've actually moved on. In fact, you're probably hindering that process by continuing to be your ex's friend; in many cases, that's the absolute worst thing you can do. Nothing like having a constant reminder of the feelings you used to have. It's not even the person that you miss (I should hope not, anyway), but the fact that you're still associating with that person is going to keep those feeling fresh in your mind. Both the positive and the negative ones, neither of which help when you're trying to move on.

    Honestly, when it comes to exes, it's find to be friends with them; but it's usually best to wait until you've moved on to another girlfriend first. Trying to stay friends with your most recent ex is a great way to keep those wounds from healing.

  3. #843
    Legendary! Sorrior's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shagrat View Post
    It's funny: If this topic existed a few years ago, I would have answered with the first option but being by yourself gets to you after almost six years. I'm more of a victim of situation rather than my own self-confidence. (though that has been a factor as well) I like to think I'm attractive, when I take the time to clean myself up (I tend to get very lazy when it comes to shaving) and being a geek is no longer something you hide out of fear of getting beat up. However, what makes it difficult for me is the aftermath of the divorce almost six years ago now. We had a child while still married, she leaves and eventually decides she wants child support despite promising me she would never go for it. (Also, please don't read this and assume I'm a deadbeat. I love my daughter and I'm very much a part of her life.) For those of you who have paid or are paying it now, you should be familiar with it. Long story short, my child support is high enough (especially when you add in my other bills and look up the cost of living for my area) that I am pretty much stuck to live with my parents until I get to the point where I'll be able to make enough to off-set it.

    That part I think is what gets me the most because the moment someone sees '27 year old who still lives with his parents' they're automatically brushed off as a loser. This sort of starts to nibble my self-confidence from time to time to the point where i start linking my appearance and personality to it. It feels odd but yet, strangely refreshing, to say this to a bunch of people online I've never met.
    You have my sympathies man. Something really needs to be done about that child suppoet system IMO it's become dangerous to fathers.

    Also yeah living at home can really mess with your head these days. More common or not we still get judged regardless of reason(i have some personal issues mixed in with some other things that make it hard for me to hold a normal job). But yeah man my sympathies.

  4. #844
    Legendary! darenyon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SylvanaSlave View Post
    If anything, being wary of future relationships does not make us weaker, but wiser. Maybe before we would go headlong into relationships without thinking of the risks involved, but not any more. Now we have learnt from past experiences and are not going to get involved with somebody without being a lot more certain than before. It's called learning from mistakes through instinct. If we pick up a hot pan and drop it, we do not go and pick up the same pan five minutes later. We have learnt from that experience and how it hurts and are now more wary for next time, so as to prevent the same harm coming to us again. The emotional recovery from a breakup is no different.
    well, being wary is one thing, going "no one will ever love me! all girls are evil!" etc is another lol. (not saying you are like that). but i wouldnt reccomend keeping in touch with your ex if theres still bad feelings. its like picking at a scab.

  5. #845
    I was a Forever Alone until I turned 25. I'm almost 27 now, and married. I considered myself a social badass in high school and college, but it was all cuz I was scared. There were tons of women I was interested in and KNEW liked me, but yet I was the social badass in my mind, so I cant date you! It wasn't until I was really on my own that I realized. Being alone fucking sucks. So the next day I signed up on eHarmony and found my wife there. I used an online service because yes, I needed some help. I had confidence issues and loathed the idea that someone may just outright deny me. I am not a bad looking guy, I was in the military, I have a college degree, I have some achievements and what have but you aren't the king of every mountain. Life has been good for a while now, I have a good job in IT, my wife is a massage therapist (added bonus), and she allows me to have my own man cave, among other good things from being in a relationship (like double incomes, etc).

    As far as 'Forever Alone' goes. There isn't a recession in the realm of courtship that means you are shit out of luck getting a companion. They are out there and if you are wholeheartedly convinced that you are a going to be alone for the rest of your life, you are kidding and cheating yourself out of something that is great. Stop making excuses, youre wasting time. End of Story.

    Oh and dont try and be like a person who wants to sleep with 25-30 people in a few years, its not an achievement and wont get you anywhere you want to be when you are aged 35. Dont be a whore.
    Last edited by Stalemate; 2012-09-18 at 05:10 PM.

  6. #846
    Stood in the Fire SylvanaSlave's Avatar
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    Honestly, when it comes to exes, it's find to be friends with them; but it's usually best to wait until you've moved on to another girlfriend first. Trying to stay friends with your most recent ex is a great way to keep those wounds from healing.
    I agree it's not an ideal situation but if I'm being brutally honest part of the reason I am staying in contact with her partly is because my past three partner's cheated on me and we, as one may understand, did not stay in contact. I wanted this one to not end the same and be like the others. The bigger part of the reason is that my last partner knew me for who I really was and understood me, and still does. It's hard to explain but there was a far closer connection between us than my previous ones, a lot like how best friends might understand everything about each other.

    Now, people's first reaction would be to say "GTFO of there now, you have other friends" and for most people you would be right, but the fact of the matter is, I have very few friends as it is (like, five, at a stretch) and she is the one who know's me as a whole person. If I cut her out altogether, I have no friends who really understand me. Sad, I know, but that's the state of my life at the moment. Getting over a breakup, like I have said all along, can be complicated by a whole host of reasons, that can make it difficult to just 'get over'.

    And before anybody suggests it, no I will not go out and socialise with people on my own to make new friends off the cuff. I have a common form of social anxiety, combined with a particularly low sense of confidence, that proves to be an immense psychological obstacle that prevents me from finding the willpower to go out. It's not an excuse, it's a very real condition but one that unfortunately comes with a lot of unwanted criticism and stigma on forums from people who do not understand it. It is not something that is simply cured by 'just going out there and doing it'.

    I'm not asking for sympathy, and especially not pity, I'm just being honest and telling it how it is. Nothing is ever as clean-cut and simple to solve as some like to imply.
    "It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights; it’s actually nothing more. It’s simply a whine. It’s no more than a whine. ‘I find that offensive,’ it has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I am offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what?”

  7. #847
    Quote Originally Posted by SylvanaSlave View Post
    I agree it's not an ideal situation but if I'm being brutally honest part of the reason I am staying in contact with her partly is because my past three partner's cheated on me and we, as one may understand, did not stay in contact. I wanted this one to not end the same and be like the others. The bigger part of the reason is that my last partner knew me for who I really was and understood me, and still does. It's hard to explain but there was a far closer connection between us than my previous ones, a lot like how best friends might understand everything about each other.

    Now, people's first reaction would be to say "GTFO of there now, you have other friends" and for most people you would be right, but the fact of the matter is, I have very few friends as it is (like, five, at a stretch) and she is the one who know's me as a whole person. If I cut her out altogether, I have no friends who really understand me. Sad, I know, but that's the state of my life at the moment. Getting over a breakup, like I have said all along, can be complicated by a whole host of reasons, that can make it difficult to just 'get over'.

    And before anybody suggests it, no I will not go out and socialise with people on my own to make new friends off the cuff. I have a common form of social anxiety, combined with a particularly low sense of confidence, that proves to be an immense psychological obstacle that prevents me from finding the willpower to go out. It's not an excuse, it's a very real condition but one that unfortunately comes with a lot of unwanted criticism and stigma on forums from people who do not understand it. It is not something that is simply cured by 'just going out there and doing it'.

    I'm not asking for sympathy, and especially not pity, I'm just being honest and telling it how it is. Nothing is ever as clean-cut and simple to solve as some like to imply.
    I'm hearing a lot of things that are basically excuses. You're going to bitch at me for saying that, but that's how it is. You're finding reasons why you can't go and improve your own situation; granted, they may be valid reasons, and they may be obstacles, but to think that you can't overcome them is just setting yourself up for failure.

    The minute you start using "social anxiety" as a reason why you can't make friends is the minute it becomes an excuse, and a detriment to that very quest. I'm not saying that it's not a real thing; I'm saying that the minute you start saying you can't do something because of it is the minute you've blocked yourself from progressing in that area.

    I'm also not saying (still) that you shouldn't be your ex's friend. I'm saying you should take some time away from her, to let yourself recuperate without the incessant reminders of both what you had, and what went wrong. Honestly, I'd just tell her exactly that, though it may be too late for that in your case. It wouldn't be a permanent end to the friendship; just a temporary one that lets you get back to yourself, and what you're looking for in someone else, without the distraction of what you used to be looking for.

    It's like smoking; it's hard to quit when your best friend is a smoker.

  8. #848
    Elemental Lord Haven's Avatar
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    The thing is, I realize with all possible clarity that it's all up to me - I can meet any cute girl, get along, and let things go their natural way, and I know that I'll succeed if I want to - I'm quite good at developing relationships, this I know as well. But it's all about making the first goddamn step and the realization that I simply don't have time for that. I work, study, workout at evenings, spend weekends somewhere in the nature or playing board games/MtG with my friends, plus I need some time alone to dive into Skyrim or Amalur...
    Quote Originally Posted by Adam Jensen View Post
    Metzenphrenia. As defined in the DSM: "To be so badly written, that it drives the character into insanity." It's symptoms are similar to schizophrenia but even crazier.
    "There are no answers, only choices" - Solaris.

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