Are you a Forever Alone ?

[Deleted]

Honestly, when it comes to exes, it's find to be friends with them; but it's usually best to wait until you've moved on to another girlfriend first. Trying to stay friends with your most recent ex is a great way to keep those wounds from healing.

I agree it's not an ideal situation but if I'm being brutally honest part of the reason I am staying in contact with her partly is because my past three partner's cheated on me and we, as one may understand, did not stay in contact. I wanted this one to not end the same and be like the others. The bigger part of the reason is that my last partner knew me for who I really was and understood me, and still does. It's hard to explain but there was a far closer connection between us than my previous ones, a lot like how best friends might understand everything about each other.

Now, people's first reaction would be to say "GTFO of there now, you have other friends" and for most people you would be right, but the fact of the matter is, I have very few friends as it is (like, five, at a stretch) and she is the one who know's me as a whole person. If I cut her out altogether, I have no friends who really understand me. Sad, I know, but that's the state of my life at the moment. Getting over a breakup, like I have said all along, can be complicated by a whole host of reasons, that can make it difficult to just 'get over'.

And before anybody suggests it, no I will not go out and socialise with people on my own to make new friends off the cuff. I have a common form of social anxiety, combined with a particularly low sense of confidence, that proves to be an immense psychological obstacle that prevents me from finding the willpower to go out. It's not an excuse, it's a very real condition but one that unfortunately comes with a lot of unwanted criticism and stigma on forums from people who do not understand it. It is not something that is simply cured by 'just going out there and doing it'.

I'm not asking for sympathy, and especially not pity, I'm just being honest and telling it how it is. Nothing is ever as clean-cut and simple to solve as some like to imply.

[Torq]

I agree it's not an ideal situation but if I'm being brutally honest part of the reason I am staying in contact with her partly is because my past three partner's cheated on me and we, as one may understand, did not stay in contact. I wanted this one to not end the same and be like the others. The bigger part of the reason is that my last partner knew me for who I really was and understood me, and still does. It's hard to explain but there was a far closer connection between us than my previous ones, a lot like how best friends might understand everything about each other.

Now, people's first reaction would be to say "GTFO of there now, you have other friends" and for most people you would be right, but the fact of the matter is, I have very few friends as it is (like, five, at a stretch) and she is the one who know's me as a whole person. If I cut her out altogether, I have no friends who really understand me. Sad, I know, but that's the state of my life at the moment. Getting over a breakup, like I have said all along, can be complicated by a whole host of reasons, that can make it difficult to just 'get over'.

And before anybody suggests it, no I will not go out and socialise with people on my own to make new friends off the cuff. I have a common form of social anxiety, combined with a particularly low sense of confidence, that proves to be an immense psychological obstacle that prevents me from finding the willpower to go out. It's not an excuse, it's a very real condition but one that unfortunately comes with a lot of unwanted criticism and stigma on forums from people who do not understand it. It is not something that is simply cured by 'just going out there and doing it'.

I'm not asking for sympathy, and especially not pity, I'm just being honest and telling it how it is. Nothing is ever as clean-cut and simple to solve as some like to imply.

I'm hearing a lot of things that are basically excuses. You're going to bitch at me for saying that, but that's how it is. You're finding reasons why you can't go and improve your own situation; granted, they may be valid reasons, and they may be obstacles, but to think that you can't overcome them is just setting yourself up for failure.

The minute you start using "social anxiety" as a reason why you can't make friends is the minute it becomes an excuse, and a detriment to that very quest. I'm not saying that it's not a real thing; I'm saying that the minute you start saying you can't do something because of it is the minute you've blocked yourself from progressing in that area.

I'm also not saying (still) that you shouldn't be your ex's friend. I'm saying you should take some time away from her, to let yourself recuperate without the incessant reminders of both what you had, and what went wrong. Honestly, I'd just tell her exactly that, though it may be too late for that in your case. It wouldn't be a permanent end to the friendship; just a temporary one that lets you get back to yourself, and what you're looking for in someone else, without the distraction of what you used to be looking for.

It's like smoking; it's hard to quit when your best friend is a smoker.

[Haven]

The thing is, I realize with all possible clarity that it's all up to me - I can meet any cute girl, get along, and let things go their natural way, and I know that I'll succeed if I want to - I'm quite good at developing relationships, this I know as well. But it's all about making the first goddamn step and the realization that I simply don't have time for that. I work, study, workout at evenings, spend weekends somewhere in the nature or playing board games/MtG with my friends, plus I need some time alone to dive into Skyrim or Amalur...