Death and reactions

[Shanto94]

Hello, right now I'm posting on something that have bothered me for a couple of weeks. This is not a thread where I whine or seek attention in any form or way.

I'm not good at starting topics, so I'm simply gonna jump right into it!
When someone dies, people have different ways to react to it. Some don't cry at all, some cry for days, and maybe even weeks. How we grieve over the death of someone close is very individual. Also, with pain there also comes needs. Some people need to be left alone for a while, and others need to be with people, some want none attention at all while others want to be the center of attention. Humans are very individual and react to things differently.
However, the most normal thing about death of someone close to us is sadness, even if we don't express it.

Personally, I'm a very positive person. I'm not really into negative emotions, I'm an optimist who can see light even when there is none. I don't really experience death often, but 2 weeks ago my grandpa died. My grandpa were really close to me, and have always been a supportive character with a smile on his face for as long as I can remember.

When he died, I felt absolutely no sadness at all. This really bothers me, one thing is being a positive person but when people close to me dies, I expect to at least get a little bit sad. I knew a little over a week beforehand he would die soon. He died sooner than expected, but not when I was told he would die, when he get put into hospital or when he actually died I got sad. Not even a little. This bothers me to no end. I don't think its a good thing not being a little sad at all in a situation like this. It just sounds cold to me. Like I said in the start, we all grieve differently, but when someone who means a lot to you passes away I don't think there are many people who wouldn't at least be a little sad. When he died, the first thing I thought was "well at least" and then I forced myself to not finish that thought. I'm pretty sure it was some form of way to actually make his death a good thing, but I don't believe there is anything good in death. This is first time I experience death since I was 8 (10 years ago). Back then I was sad, and it was a far less important person to me than my grandpa was. I changed a few years ago and became the positive person I am today, but being positive is no excuse for not getting sad sometimes.

Things like this makes me wish I wasn't that "constantly happy person who always smiles".

[derpkitteh]

i had something like this happen myself. my dog i had for 13 years died... but i didn't shed a single tear, and wasn't very sad at all. i think it had to do with the fact i knew she wasn't going to be around much longer, because of the way she was acting. i think i subconsciously made peace with it and was ready. i also seem to have a problem i can't control... i immediately repress sad emotions, idk why.. just happens. anyway... you could have done like me, and just been subconsciously prepared for it to happen.

[Reeve]

Don't let it bother you. It doesn't make you a bad person.

When I found out my grandmother was likely to die soonish, I kind of broke down in front of my boss when asking him how bereavement leave works. But she didn't actually die for a few more months.

By the time she actually did die, I didn't really feel sadness. I was happy, if anything, that she finally had a chance to rest, and that she was surrounded by 200+ friends and community at her wake. I never cried about it after her death. I did try to memorialize her life, but honestly, I don't think she would have wanted me to be sad.

Don't let it bother you. Remember what you loved about your grandfather and leave it at that.

[Heathy]

I think when someone older dies, you know they have lived a good life, I guess deep down everyone knows we all die eventually, its just part of the cycle, which probably helps relieve some of the grief.

ofc it doesn't make it feel any better but i find it easier to just accept that, its the way it is for everything, I'm in the same boat as you, i will probably need to force myself into a crying state, simply because i just accept the facts, but this comes to you over time i think, when your young your much more susceptible to grief. I'm the type that'll start balling when i see someone else upset especially a family member. also when you think about it, would the person you knew and lost, want you to be feeling sorrow? i doubt anyone wants to leave ppl feeling terrible, i know i want ppl to not feel down for me, but enjoy the time they have left.

[Shanto94]

Like some of you pointed out: It could been that I was prepared for it.
But, I was there with the rest of my family. I know how much they cried, how sad they were. Everyone cried so much, and imagine how awkward it was not shedding 1 tear. I did try to shed some fake tears, but I seem to have forgotten how.
Everyone had the hard facts that he would die soon, then wouldn't at least one more person (he had 4 daughters, so we were 4 families, a total of over 20 people including his wife) shed at least way less tears than the others?
Yet they all cried for a long time, and I didn't cry at all. What I don't dare tell any of them is that I didn't feel sad at all.

Also, I'm not feeling bad for this, I'm feeling confused. It's so weird because we all were on equal ground and I know many of the others aren't the first to break into tears, yet all cried for so long, while I didn't shed one tear. There was such a huge gap.

[Reeve]

Like some of you pointed out: It could been that I was prepared for it.
But, I was there with the rest of my family. I know how much they cried, how sad they were. Everyone cried so much, and imagine how awkward it was not shedding 1 tear. I did try to shed some fake tears, but I seem to have forgotten how.
Everyone had the hard facts that he would die soon, then wouldn't at least one more person (he had 4 daughters, so we were 4 families, a total of over 20 people including his wife) shed at least way less tears than the others?
Yet they all cried for a long time, and I didn't cry at all. What I don't dare tell any of them is that I didn't feel sad at all.

Also, I'm not feeling bad for this, I'm feeling confused. It's so weird because we all were on equal ground and I know many of the others aren't the first to break into tears, yet all cried for so long, while I didn't shed one tear. There was such a huge gap.

It's normal. Different people are different. Some people need to cry, others don't. It doesn't mean you didn't love your grandpa.

[Shanto94]

It's normal. Different people are different. Some people need to cry, others don't. It doesn't mean you didn't love your grandpa.

Its not the part of not crying, its just they expressed so much sadness trough their tears. I didn't feel any sadness at all.

[Zippoflames]

Tbh it is a hard one to call, I have lost family members who were very close and never cried/felt bad about it, But I have also lost people not so close and cried my eyes out.. I think a lot of it just depends on where you life is at the time..

[Reeve]

Its not the part of not crying, its just they expressed so much sadness trough their tears. I didn't feel any sadness at all.

Why does it bother you that you weren't sad? Do you think it means you loved your grandpa less than the people who were sad?

[Salandrin]

I don't think it's sane actually. We all know there is nothing worse than death, and anyone who says otherwise is a treasonous liar. To not grieve over someone, especially close, when they have suffered death, is a sign of immorality.

PS: Just a suggestion. I've already arranged for my cremation upon death, and for my ashes to be cast into the ocean. I used to love God and go to churches, but seeing what Science is capable of has made me fear death every moment I live now, with the possibility of there being no afterlife. Therefore, when my ashes enter the sea, who knows? Maybe billions upon billions of years afterwards I would live as something again.

[MisterSheep]

My father died, i think i cried for about two minutes when i saw him lying cold to ''identify'' him before cremation, but beside that, i couldn't feel sadness at all. I was seeing his whole familly sheding tears, and i was the only one not being touched at all. I actually faked sadness, just so people don't find me cold. Still, just as you said, it bothers me that i wasn't affected by his death.

He wasn't a great father, but i still had good moments with him, and he's been there for me all my life. I just didn't feel close to him, we were both completly different person. He was the radical dad, while i was the son that always looked at both side of a coin.

[Mteq]

you'll get sad at a later point in time. it's your brain just postponing the pain. it does that for some reason. maybe due to the others around you already greeving so much that you instinctivly try to be the strongest figure to support them. it doesn't make you a bad person.

might be next week, might be a couple of years, but at some point you'll get struck by it. might be in the car due to a certain song that triggers a thought, or just when you're lieing in bed thinking over the day and a certain chain of thought leads you to it.

[Shanto94]

Why does it bother you that you weren't sad? Do you think it means you loved your grandpa less than the people who were sad?

If I just knew.
To me it feels that the answer that's most correct is that because it's not normal. It's so different from everyone else. I think that's whats bothering me. I'm supposed to be sad when I'm not.
Also, it's probably some of the fact that I chose to be the person I am today. I chose to always be happy. I don't want to never feel sadness no matter what happends. I want to be a happy person, but also being able to feel sadness.
I also think its the fear of becomming a monster. A monster is typically described as being a feelingless creature who doesn't care about anyone but itself. Be it a human or a fairy tail monster, that is how I picture a monster. Not being able to feel sadness feels like a step onto that path. This is probably the most assurd thing about it at all, because I think I'm very far away from being a monster.
But, I am not 100% sure, I just think these are the reasons, it might be something else too.

I don't think how I react to his death shows anything about how much I loved him, I don't think its because I didn't love him or love him as much as the others I didn't feel sad.

[Reeve]

If I just knew.
To me it feels that the answer that's most correct is that because it's not normal. It's so different from everyone else. I think that's whats bothering me. I'm supposed to be sad when I'm not. Also, it's probably some of the fact that I chose to be the person I am today. I chose to always be happy. I don't want to never feel sadness no matter what happends. I want to be a happy person, but also being able to feel sadness.
I also think its the fear of becomming a monster. A monster is typically described as being a feelingless creature who doesn't care about anyone but itself. Be it a human or a fairy tail monster, that is how I picture a monster. Not being able to feel sadness feels like a step onto that path. This is probably the most assurd thing about it at all, because I think I'm very far away from being a monster.
But, I am not 100% sure, I just think these are the reasons, it might be something else too.

But it is normal. This is a common reaction from people who are good well adjusted normal people. Everyone's brain has a different way to cope with death. For some, their brain needs a way to grieve, and makes them feel sad and cry. For others, the brain has a defense mechanism that keeps the person from feeling the sadness entirely. It doesn't make you a monster. It doesn't mean you're soulless or emotionless or uncaring. It's just your particular reaction to this particular death. Don't listen to the guy above that said it makes you immoral. That's nonsense.

I don't think how I react to his death shows anything about how much I loved him, I don't think its because I didn't love him or love him as much as the others I didn't feel sad.

Well that's good at least.

[slime]

You are right friend, I have seen what you speak of completely different emotions from a close ones death from all the people in their lives. I am your complete opposite - I am negative in everyway - and always see the bad before the good in every situation. When my grandma died a few years ago - who I loved very much - I felt sadness, but didn't feel the need to cry - and most of my sadness came from how upset my mom was about it (it was her mom) - so I was more upset seeing my mom upset than that my grandma died.

There will be a moment the sadness will hit you. I cannot tell you when or how you will react then. But I believe it really hasn't sunk in yet. I found the worst moments for me came up when I went to call my grandma - or in my mind said "oh I can just go to her..." and then I remember she is dead now. Thats when I felt some real grief about her death - when the things I have become used to over my whole life to go see her for - and she isn't there anymore.

Sorry for your lose.

[Deleted]

It's much easier to accept an old person dying than when it happens to a young person.
Maybe that's why you hardly felt sad about it. It's not so weird and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it or anything.

Personally, I've never even met both my grandpas. Both died either before I existed or before I was old enough to remember anything.
And I was a little sad when one of my grandmas died. But it was nothing like when my aunt died who was just about to become grandma. She died just a few months before she could lay eyes on her grandson. And she wasn't that old, something like 55-58 I guess.

Heck, I cried more about my cat that got overrun by a car than I cried about my grandma or aunt.

[Deleted]

Its odd actually when I think about it.

My dog died over 2 years ago and I still cry about it when I think how he used to howl and cry when I went to school when he was a puppy and some other memories with him like that. I even keep a half burned candle I lit when he died in hes memory and I cant bring myself to light it again, so I just keep it as a memento.

But when my grandparents from fathers side died, I didnt shed a tear. I thought I should and felt like a bad person.. but we werent very close. I even admit I was happy about it for a few moments because my life was very dull then and it brought some excitement and change, people coming over, funeral etc.

I felt sad and cried later though and I wish they could have been around longer.

[Troodi]

The reason you don't feel sad is because death isn't supposed to be a sad event. It is supposed to be a birth, a delivery into the final realm of life, the spiritual realm.

In the ideal world, (which we don't have currently, but will soon become more known in these final days), people won't cry at funerals, they will rejoice. Just as there is joy in the birth of a baby, so too there is rapture when we are welcomed into the ultimate heaven of the spiritual world.

The nine months of gestation is to grow a body to begin a life, the first breath taken is when we get our young spirit. The physical body is the womb of the spirit-soul by which we grow ourselves and our character. When we die, we shed of the skin of our body, and our spirit-soul self is then released to live on in the full realm of the spiritual world.

Because you were(are) so close to your grandpa, his spirit is still with you, so there isn't a sadness because he hasn't really gone. Your spiritual self knows this.

Sorry for being religious, but this is so normal to me since I do see "dead" people, they are very much alive.

* * *

[Maxilian]

Well, personally, i don't care if a person die... why? because is dead! there's nothing i can do about it, but if i see someone sad, i get sad and try to help them... why? cause they're alive, the person that die can not longer suffer or feel sad, when my grandmother died..., i cried twice...., when i saw my mother crying cause i didn't like to see her crying and when i saw her corpse..., i started to think of when i saw my mother cry to make 1 tear to fall on my grandmother nose... in that moment i thougth that was cool............ well... i'm creepy D:

---------- Post added 2012-09-25 at 09:57 AM ----------

The reason you don't feel sad is because death isn't supposed to be a sad event. It is supposed to be a birth, a delivery into the final realm of life, the spiritual realm.

In the ideal world, (which we don't have currently, but will soon become more known in these final days), people won't cry at funerals, they will rejoice. Just as there is joy in the birth of a baby, so too there is rapture when we are welcomed into the ultimate heaven of the spiritual world.

The nine months of gestation is to grow a body to begin a life, the first breath taken is when we get our young spirit. The physical body is the womb of the spirit-soul by which we grow ourselves and our character. When we die, we shed of the skin of our body, and our spirit-soul self is then released to live on in the full realm of the spiritual world.

Because you were(are) so close to your grandpa, his spirit is still with you, so there isn't a sadness because he hasn't really gone. Your spiritual self knows this.

Sorry for being religious, but this is so normal to me since I do see "dead" people, they are very much alive.

* * *

Its kind of common that you're religious... because you're a Troll priest

[Bobdoletoo]

It is okay. Some people think that death is just a bump in the road.