Cheap Therapy Needed: Ex Fiance

[Uncle Julian]

My fiance called our wedding off 2 weeks before the date back in July. There was a lot of money that went to waste, but none of that compares to the emotions from the whole ordeal, feelings of guilt, inadequacy, shame, anger, pain and more.

Anywho, I'm a pretty happy and easy-going guy and I put on a good face every day, but when I am alone in my room at night or on the long drive home from work and school it's easy for my thoughts to wander and I am still extremely bitter, upset, and uncomfortable with the whole situation. I'm tired of using music and angry masturbation as a coping mechanism, and I'm looking for better/more efficient ways to take out anger and frustration. I mean completely let loose. I'm open to any ideas whether it's smashing things with a bat, trying to find a fuck-buddy online, getting stoned, writing things that make me angry on a card and burning it, anything that has helped you in similar situations with ex partners, whether spouse girlfriend or acquaintance.

Also, inb4 "I was married 3 years with family, lost house, lost my dog, my arm, etc..." I am aware my life isn't over, and I am still very fortunate compared to the next guy so just keep moving on if you want to flame.

[Sunseeker]

You're on the right track.

Get out of the house. Find a hobby, something that makes you interact with other people, a sport, model railroading, sport-shooting, karate. Something that will take up time and allow you to express yourself both physically and mentally.
-in addition, if you are living in the same place as you were when she left you, if possible: consider moving.
Journals are great ways to express yourself, all your angry thoughts, your sad thoughts, your happy thoughts. Even just "what I did today." If you want to destroy these after writing them, go for it, keeping them or not keeping them is a personal decision.

IMO it sounds like what you need most is platonic companionship, which is easily found in hobbies, sports, hell even online communications. I would wait on sex, even meaningless, emotionless sex until you are able to stabilize your emotions, otherwise you could get attached in an unhealthy way. In short: go outside, make some friends.

[Pope]

Wow dude, that's harsh.

All I can say is, I'm deeply sorry.
I hope you have friends and family to help you with that.

The only advice I can give is: Don't be alone. Be as social as you can, how awkward that might feel. Call your friends, hang out with them. Do sports with them, drink with them, whatever. Call people you haven't seen for a while, it doesn't matter.

As long as you don't sit alone and angrily masturbate.

It'll be fine.

[Monolith of Mazes]

You could try some casual hookups, buying a dog or cat... idk. Never been in that bad of a situation. It does sound turrible though, if sympathy helps any

[Deleted]

id look into finding your local gunclub and become a member. Nothing is more soothing then a trip to the range to let off a few clips. Course they vet members quite harshly so if youve any runins with the police in the past move along

[Holofernes]

i was in a similar situation once, and wrote long letters i never send off. try not to be alone too much, force youself to go out at weekend evenings, and time will help to get over this fiasco.
i know how bad this can be, believe me.

[Liagala]

I can't recommend actual activities, because I have no idea who you are and what you like. Given the location of your post I'd say get into some gaming for a bit, but if other stuff floats your boat, do that. Do whatever you enjoy enough that it will take your mind off her and the angry feelings, even if it's only for 30 seconds at a shot. Every time you realize you've had some amount of time just genuinely enjoying something without thinking about the shitty stuff, take a second to appreciate it. It's easy for us to mentally pass over the good-but-not-amazing things, but that's the stuff that's going to help you put your head back together. It's the million little things every day that make up our lives. The big things, good or bad, just add flavor. It only takes a second to consciously acknowledge that you've had a fun (hour/afternoon/day/whatever), but that second, repeated often enough, makes a huge difference.

[Mavecryst]

Very sorry to hear about this. At least know that you're on the right track, I think, looking for somethng to do. But you should focus on positive things. I'm in a difficult position myself (broke up after a 6 year relationship, wasn't engaged yet but certainly thought she was the girl I would marry one day), so I can sympathize 100%.

Focus on getting by day by day first. Don't shut off the pain completely, you're allowed to feel it. Don't let it overwhelm you though, find a quiet spot or something trivial to do when emotions become "too much".

When you're able to cope, find something new to do, something that doesn't involve memories of her. This was personally one of the hardest steps for me, as I shared almost my entire life with her, and the only thing I could do that didn't remind me was going out with the guys. However, obviously I couldn't depend on that all the time.
I started running (as in literally, running) and took up a class.

You will accept, one day, that life has to go on. You don't have to accept it RIGHT NOW. It takes time. As I said earlier, take it day by day first.

Don't get into a relationship of any kind for at least 6 months. Don't go looking. No sex, as someone above said you run the risk of getting attached because you're hurting and want to feel loved/wanted. Also, you run the risk of making yourself bitter towards women.

There will be alot of ups and downs. You can literally feel like shit one moment, and then the next you KNOW everything's gonna be alright. What I personally did was, temper every emotion that came my way. I didn't let myself feel too happy, because when the down hit, it really HIT. Took awhile for me to realise that I needed to do that, as I was always relieved when the happy emotions came. I'm not sure if this'll work for you, but it did for me.

Good luck, I hope this is enough advice for a start. One last thing, learn to recognise good advice from bad advice. Don't fall for bad advice just because you're feeling vulnerable now, be better than that.

Edit: You said you were using music/angry masturbation to cope and you're tired of it. If you are, then those weren't helping. I automatically turned to games/rock climbing as those have always been my fallbacks, but I realised quickly that they were not going to help this time. If something isn't helping, it isn't helping.

Find something new to do, I'd go with something you're lousy at, since it takes more concentration to become better. I can't dance for fuck, so that class I mentioned above? Dance class :/ Takes my mind off her whenever I do it, because geez, I still suck. Fun though.

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

id look into finding your local gunclub and become a member. Nothing is more soothing then a trip to the range to let off a few clips. Course they vet members quite harshly so if youve any runins with the police in the past move along

I don't think suggesting guns to somebody in his situation is necessarily the best of ideas XD

[sugarlily]

*comfort *hugs

I am truly very sorry for what happened. All I can say is the "blessing in disguise" saying, even if it sounds corny, it really is true. I know it doesn't help tons right now, but I believe your situation would have been much worse if she hadn't run & waited to run off years down the road. I'm sorry that doesn't help a whole lot atm, but... I do mean it in the kindest & most compassionate way:)


She actually cleared the way for something better in your life. It will come to you in time. After the sad wears off, after the angry is gone. Just don't let this change you, or change who you are. Unless you have been a cruel dickhead, which it doesn't sound like to me:)

Find some old friends & get back in touch. Make plans to do some things you always wanted to do (travel, take a class, take up a hobby etc). Be honest when ppl ask you about it & catch yourself from going overboard in resentment & anger; those bitches will eat you alive from the inside out. Find good ppl to spend some time with & most of all, DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

I wish you the best<3

Always remember this~ it is the list I live by ~ it'll help you too! <3
1.) Never date anyone you wouldn't have as a best friend.
2.) Tolerated behavior doesn't change.
3.) We teach people how to treat us.
4.) We get what we settle for.

EDIT Most everything Mavecryst says is spot-on & very helpful! :)

[Skippy88]

Never been in your situation but whatever your looking for you won't find in a drug, alcohol, or a fuck buddy. If your still on speaking terms with your ex hopefully you can sit down and talk things over. Hopefully, you can get to that point where you may not like the situation but you can accept it and somewhat understand what she's going through.

Personally, I think this is for the best. Better before the wedding than sometime after the wedding or worse after getting a kid involved. Marriage needs 2 people to tango and for whatever reason she wasn't ready.

[Feral Camel]

As long as you don't sit alone and angrily masturbate.

It'll be fine.

I'm going to have to disagree. You'd be far better off to do this alone then in public.

[Letmesleep]

snip

Hi Uncle Julian, I actually recognized you immediately. I remembered your story from when you first posted it several months ago. I know you check in here every once in awhile with an update, and I'm glad you do. I'm not needed here since Mavecryst already covered it, so I'll just say a couple things.

First thing you have to understand about real love is that the wounds it leaves behind do not close easily. Being abandoned by someone you love that fiercely is going to be really hard, as you are already well aware. That's the bad part. The good part is it DOES get easier. I speak from experience that there will be a day when you're "ok" again. It won't always hurt this bad, you won't always feel this lonely, and you will eventually be healthy enough to seek love again. You just have to make it there. I understand how hard it is to go asleep alone after you've been in love, but these feelings will pass eventually. For me personally it took a year and a half. She rarely crosses my mind now, and I don't suffer like I did when shit hit the fan. Hang in there.

Anger, shame, inadequacy, all of the emotions you expressed are normal feelings to have in this situation. One thing I don't suggest is taking anger out through destruction. Your brain will make pathways linking destruction with a sense of relief, and ultimately lead to unhealthy habits. As someone who used to punch holes in walls, trust me on this one. I think writing is one of the healthiest things anyone can do. I believe writing out anger, hurt, fear, and even questions are amazing ways to cope. I believe you'll learn a lot about yourself as well when you do this.

Exercise is another thing. Not only will it wear you out and leave less time to be depressed, but it can be somewhere you channel all that rage. From experience, I can say nothing has ever made me push harder in the gym than heartbreak. If you look at it this way, you have an option to be in insane shape for the next girl. Better shape = better sex.

You deserve to be happy Uncle Julian, you just have to weather this shit storm first. Things will get better, you just have to hold on till they do.

Edit: I should note getting over my break up only took me as long as it did because I never talked about it. I was too ashamed to speak to those I love about what kind of damage had been done to me. I held it in and therefore it festered for a long time. You're already dealing with this way better than I did. Stay honest about the situation Julian, it's so much healthier to let it out and allow people to help you shoulder your burden.

[cubby]

The best therapy I know of (constructive therapy, of course D)) is taking up a new hobby, something to focus your mind on. It's worth it even if you need to make some financial sacrifices (like if you take up metal working, glassblowing, etc) to get going with it. Creative distractions are one of the best forms of "easy" therapy in the world. Let's your mind focus on the creative process when you are driving/nights/weekends.

Ideas:

Making something (art, metal working, glass blowing, ceramics)
WoW (not joking, MoP has good stuff in it) - but not necessarily good therapy if it reminds of fiance
Start a business (again, not joking - side business, explore an idea you put off/away before)

Good luck - it will get better, I promise!

(and yeah, Mave said it all pretty well)

[mvaliz]

There was a born-again christian I was great friends with who went through a divorce he didn't want. He was completely devastated as, in his eyes, he sinned against God via the divorce and didn't know what to do.

What I told him is the same thing I'm going to tell you.

"Dude... go out and buy yourself something kick-ASS! Go on a trip you always wanted to go on! Go get that insane haircut you always admired! Go buy some new threads and make yourself pimpin!"

Why do you do this? Easy - all of your current devastated emotional problems stem from ONE thing - a deep loss of control of your life. You need to get the ball ROLLING again - retail therapy is one of the EASIEST ways to do that.

Yeah, material wealth won't heal wounds - but it WILL heal your self-confidence in short-enough time and give you a sense of being able to control your own life! And THAT is the goal! ^_^

EDIT: oh, and for the record, that christian friend of mine thanks me profusely to this day (that was over 15 years ago)... he's since been re-married and has stayed married for almost 10 of those years to this day. ^_^

[Zafire]

What I used to do is just run until my heart literally couldn't take it, to the point where I had to take a knee because I can't tolerate standing. Then I'd walk a bit, then do it again.

I wouldn't really say it's a solution, but it's a much healthier way to get your mind off things temporarily than drugs. Running also has the benefit of releasing the happy hormone, so you may be able to tolerate the day a little better.

[blaqkmagick]

Do something creative like write or draw, paint, or play music. Art can be very cathartic.

That or do something awesome like others have suggested (vacation, retail therapy etc...)

[DeadNotSleeping]

As everyone else has said here, take up a hobby, work out, pour that energy into something positive, rather than needless self abuse of the one eyed trouser snake (although dont forgo that completly! thats just insane)

my fallback for feeling low is WoW, but my fallback after a huge breakup and heartache is swimming and Water polo, and for added self confidence, do it in speedos!

[Tornainbow]

Went through a similar thing years ago. Happily married for many years now to someone wonderful.

Anyway.

I suggest leaving your current house/apartment and moving somewhere new. It's a good way to reset your brain. Also, get involved in something new. Take a non-credit class at your local college, join a book club, etc.

This is still really fresh for you and I suspect most of your emotions are based around the fact that you feel guilt/shame/embarrassment over being dumped at the last minute. However, I can tell you that 90% of people are actually probably saying how horrible it was for your ex to do that to you.

Don't rush into any new relationships as you just aren't prepared for that. Go do something fun on a regular basis. Time heals all wounds, and I can say that from experience...it just hurts like hell now.

Generally, having an angry fit and smashing stuff is only good like once and then it will just make you more upset. Instead make a decision to forgive and move on with life.
Besides, happiness is the best revenge. your ex-fiance probably expects you to be moping around doing nothing...the best thing you could do is go live a great life.

No one worth marrying would do that to you...you dodged a large and very expensive bullet.

edit: One thing that was lots of fun was taking acting classes at a local theater. Great way to use up some of that emotional energy in a positive way and meet lots of cool people.

[Taianne]

Hi Uncle Julian, I actually recognized you immediately. I remembered your story from when you first posted it several months ago.

Exactly this.

And, well, everything has been covered already. Speedy recovery!