Looking for opinions on gamer relationship [wall of text :D]

[dazgen]

Hello everybody,

would really appreciate if you could read through my little story, that I'm gonna write as unbiased as possible (ofc doubt it if it can be unbiased ) and share your opinions on the question in the end.

So for starters, I'm 24 years, 3rd year IT student, fall into top 10% best students in my course. Don't have difficulties communicating with new people or organizing student events and other activities. Just to make sure I'm not some geeky nerd who doesn't leave the house As for appearance, I'm sure I'm decent looking guy, well maybe a little bit too skinny (Damn those MMOs Makes you forget to eat properly :/)

For the past 2 years had a relationship with my fellow groupmate. To be honest it was really her initiative. Probably one of those situations where you dont know if you like her because she is your gf or because you like her. Lived together, studied together, spent time together etc, etc. Well time went by and it became apparent that we didn't have anything in common apart the studies. In the last half of the year it was obvious this wouldn't lead anywhere. Suddenly my raiding nights were too long, my activities at university's student organization took too much time, i became too lazy at home, etc, etc all that crap went flying as criticism although nothing changed throughout those 2 years. I was already planning breaking up however one thing made it immediate. One day she left her skype logged in on my pc and well. What can i tell you. I discovered some really nice things about myself that she shared with her friends. Well not nice, more like nasty and horrible. I really did think at least she was the person i could trust and share my thoughts, but seriously i was very wrong. It's kinda shocking to read what kinda douche, idiot, retard and so and so on you are compared to some 15 years older, good looking, rich, hard working, married IT company director and how she was planning ditching me and getting into his bed. That was sick. The same day i grabbed all my stuff from our apartment and moved out.

It was such a "nice" summer start In two years you kinda grow attached to other person and put trust in that connection so it kinda left me a bit devastated. However it's not about her. Throughout that last year i met some other girl. She joined our guild, we did some raids together, some late night mumble talks, some opinion sharing and so on. It was fun, nice, enjoyable and nothing serious as i knew i was with someone else. However 2 months later i changed guilds and we talked a lot less throughout that time. Heck she even took up my raiding spot in main group after i left 4 months later SWTOR came out and I quit WoW for that time. You should guess who joined my SWTOR guild a month later. I was surprised. We picked up our late night chats again. It really felt connected. So some time later our guild organized a meet up in nearby city and i went there (well all my guilds were national, meetings were kinda common and was the most fun you can get from MMO ).

So she did come too. When i saw her i was like OMG. WTF i didnt meet her earlier. She was 22, really cute, had long blond hair and really charming smile. I felt unsettled. On one hand i was in serious relationship, on the other i felt like i really met someone with whom i could really connect. However this problem didn't last very long as in a months period things happened that i mentioned earlier. After that the first thing i did was to organize some more meets, ofc intentions were not very guild-oriented We talked, we laughed, we danced, we got drunk and so on. Later that month she invited me to national fantast convetion in one really nice camping place at lakeside. What can i say. It was the best one week vacation I've ever had - new interesting people, interesting activities and ofc it was the place where we really hit it off with her and started serious relations. At that moment i was neck deep, childishly, crazily, headlessly in love, too bad i didn't tell her that, didn't want to frighten her with such abrupt statements. For next two weeks i visited her, she visited me (we live in different cities) i was happy as ever. I even came back to my old guild with her. I really wanted this to be really special, as she told me she had some unlucky relationships in the past with arrogant dudes, more like fuckbuddies as i understood. We talked for hours, i really wanted her to understand how i think, what are my thoughts. Probably i talked too much. I really thought at last she was the one i could do it with. And as I've seen she understood me that i wanted to be honest with her, and well she was with me.

Well a week later she told me that there was a guy who confessed to her when he found out about us. Ofc i asked her what was her reaction to that and well she said he was too late I was confident. However one more week later i started getting questions like "what you plan to do when you finish studies", "would you move to other city" and some similar questions. Well obviously i answered that "2 years is a long time and anything could happen, so i really didn't know". So few days later she writes me saying that she can't lie to me, that she's in love with that other dude who confessed. Somehow at first i was really calm. Told her that i understand and so on, that i would like at least to keep up as friends. Asked if she could at least tell me who the guy was. Wasn't very shocking when she said his name. Knew the guy from my old guild and as i understood they raided for half a year and did other stuff, but he really lacked confidence confessing. OFC it really pissed me off as the guy was 11 years older than her, also some IT company dude and pretty much has high income. I was like OMG, come on, not again.

First week i kinda controlled myself, told to myself nothing serious can come out after 2 intimate weeks and so on, but seriously. When you get up in the morning and she's the first thing you think about, also the same when you go to bed and can't fall asleep for at least 2 hours because she's in your head, you start doubting if it really wasn't that serious. So a few weeks later i convinced myself that i can't give up so easily. Organized yet another guild meet up, really did my best to come up with fun activities, not just dumb alcohol tournament that mostly those meets are. Boardgames, quizzes, sport games and all other stuff i picked up from my experience or internet. Everybody really approved my initiative, said it was the best meet ever and so on. So during this event i tried my best, at night i gave her my own written letter explaining how i feel and so on, pretty much wall of text (damn i really need get grip on not writing those walls ). Also gave a blue brass necklace, that i knew she liked. However she told me she didn't want me to give any hope ever changing her mind. So that it is.

I was devastated again. Summer was ending. After a couple of weeks i did get a grip on myself. Told myself i could be better, even if just for her to see.
So already two months passed now. I started working out, attending sport dancing lessons (she did those throughout her middle school). My grades went up, i already gained 8 kg of muscles and started looking more leaner and straight, thanks to dances and workouts. I also told her what I'm doing and that I'm doing it because of her. Told her that I'm not gonna give up, finish my studies in two years, move up to her city. At the moment we rarely write each other, actually just general guild chat stuff. I still have trouble getting sleep, she's still in my head. But lately i started having those doubts. Maybe she's really happy with him, maybe I'm just obsessing too much, maybe I'm just hurting her.

So as you don't know me and i don't know you it's a perfect place to ask for opinions, as we have similar activities and degree of craziness. What you think? What should I do. It would be really nice if someone had similar experience.

[kamikaze148]

Tbph...and this is probably a bit of a brutal response and not what you want to hear, but this line right here should give you all the information you need about the situation:

"she told me she didn't want me to give any hope ever changing her mind".

shes an attention seeker. from the sounds of it, and i can only speculate based on the information youve provided, you should keep it as friends...and even back the fuck off completely. as brutal as this sounds (been there myself and learnt the hard way) she wants you around as a self esteem booster, knowing that at any minute she can be with you...whilst shes off with her other "mr right now".

its not healthy on you to be in that situation, and it only encourages and feeds her more ammunition if you write her letters, give her gifts etc.

if i was you, and if i had a time machine for my situation years ago which was pretty much an echo of what your going through, i would tell myself to play it cool. back off entirely. she will notice if shes an attention seeker like i think she might be, and if she doesnt then shes not worth your time at all.

i know for a fact you wont back off and let her stew for a bit, i wouldnt when i was in that position. but seriously, from a third party neutral perspective...its the smartest play you can do. if she really REALLY likes you, she will realise you arent a doormat, and arent a pushover for her attenion.

my two cents my friend.

EDIT: As a side note, im sure shes a really nice person and all of that. not questioning her personality, or value she may bring to your life.

but from what youve said, you need to go ahead with the intention of moving on. she will either come to you eventually, and realise what an awesome guy she missed out on, or she wont.

As the ol saying goes, there are more fish in the sea . and good looking female friends are always a ++

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

I don't think you're going to win her over and live happily ever after by relentlessly pursuing her. The way you are presenting yourself to her is that of a backup guy. That is, she's free to go after whomsoever she pleases on whatever random whim she wants because you'll be there for her to fall back on if she fails. You don't want to put yourself in the position of being a backup guy. Even if she falls back to you for a short while, she'd probably just leave you later.

If you really want to be with her, keep your distance. Be her friend, show her that you have a life of your own and that you won't chase her forever. You need her to come for you as much as you are coming for her. I could be completely wrong about that part, but I do know that in real life, you don't get the relationship you want with what you're doing.

[Stir]

I'm with Bergtau on this one.

Also, please consider that it is quite possible that you grew so close because of friendship. She might have been confused, she might still not really know what she wants, and let's face it: At 22, you're normally not really looking for a meaningful relationship. At 22, most people are still looking for benefits.

At some point, I think it'd be best for you to come to the realization that she's not going to be your partner... And that that's fine. Maybe you yourself are still confused about the whole 'love' thing. Certainly, your behaviour seems to be more that of infatuation than love. Are you very sure that you do not just want a relationship for the sake of not being alone?

What she chooses, what she does... It's not in your control. You have absolutely no say in it. No matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you tone your body, no matter how hard you work on your composure, and no matter how hard you try to change yourself... She won't ever say 'yes' because of that.

Also: Changing yourself in order to catch the eye of a love-interest, while an often-used method in romantic comedies, is the best way to get yourself into abusive relationships. If someone doesn't want you for who you are, then that someone doesn't want you at all. If you change in order to make that someone like you, and that someone then proceeds to accept your advances, then that someone has total and complete control over your life and your identity... And that someone wíll use that control against you.
Never, éver, change your identity for someone you think you love.

(That being said: If you want to put on muscle and work on your posture because it makes you healthy... That's good. But do it for yourself. Not for her.)

[kamikaze148]

If someone doesn't want you for who you are, then that someone doesn't want you at all. If you change in order to make that someone like you, and that someone then proceeds to accept your advances, then that someone has total and complete control over your life and your identity... And that someone wíll use that control against you.
Never, éver, change your identity for someone you think you love.

This this and all of this.

It gets better, it really does. after being in the messy does she, doesnt she web that you are currently in myself years ago, i can extremely happily say that i am now with a girl for the past two years who accepts me for who i am, doesnt try and change me and play any games of any sort.

She is someone i can depend on, someone who has changed me for the better and someone i know i will never have to second guess. And my GF likes MMO's!. always a bonus haha

It takes time, but you will find the right person who just gels with you, and gets you as a person. just from the sounds of it, she is with this other guy for now, and you need top back off to let the situation have some breathing space.

Also, OP you havent responded yet. would be interested to hear your thoughts on what weve said. .

Strange how similar your circumstance is to mine years ago. im sure most of us on this site have been there before.

[dazgen]

Also, OP you havent responded yet. would be interested to hear your thoughts on what weve said. .

Strange how similar your circumstance is to mine years ago. im sure most of us on this site have been there before.

Well, atm I'm studying for my assignment, so writing this helped a bit to push those crazy thoughts and make some room for some useful ones
TBH i kinda expected such reaction. As more time passes by i begin to understand that if you need to force it, it's probably shit.

However i feel positive about this. It helped me discover some new activities that make me feel good:
1. Writing down what you think helps to get it off mind. However you sometimes just need someone to judge it for not go completely bonkers .
But it's not that easy telling it to someone close, so thank you for your posts
2. Workouts are just awesome thing. Everyone who didn't try it - should. Crank up some AC&DC on your headphones, push out the last bit on that exercise till the muscle gives up and after good hour or two you get out calm as motherf*****. Tired but satisfied Of course you start eating like a bull, but you just feel that you have so much more energy for everything else. Oh, and I almost forgot about getting friendly with those sleeveless shirts you never wore
3. Dancing lessons. Well nothing to explain here. If you like music and can move, you will enjoy it. Makes you just feel good about yourself when doing some fancy move. Just because you can

P.S. Some healthy egoism never was bad. If she ever makes up her mind and it will be too late, i just know i will be grinning.

[Samoflange]

I started working out, attending sport dancing lessons (she did those throughout her middle school). My grades went up, i already gained 8 kg of muscles and started looking more leaner and straight, thanks to dances and workouts. I also told her what I'm doing and that I'm doing it because of her.

I think it's a big mistake that you're doing all those self-improvement things for her. You should be doing those things for yourself or not at all. Your other mistake is actually telling her you're doing these self-improvement things for her. That's very needy because you're seeking qualification from her, and you've just given her all the reason to believe that you're insecure and reinforced her decision to choose that other guy over you.

I would suggest moving on, you can't really hope to persuade her out of a relationship especially when you have long distance as an obstacle. You can suggest to her that if things don't work out between her and that other guy you're open to forming a relationship again if you're not already seeing someone else by that time. Do it in a manly up-front way without beating around the bush, and above all else, don't wait for her. She will respect you for being up-front and honest. Stop bothering her, if she still holds any interest she will miss you and initiate any future socializing. If not, then c'est la vie, time to go after someone else.

[dazgen]

I think it's a big mistake that you're doing all those self-improvement things for her. You should be doing those things for yourself or not at all. Your other mistake is actually telling her you're doing these self-improvement things for her. That's very needy because you're seeking qualification from her, and you've just given her all the reason to believe that you're insecure and reinforced her decision to choose that other guy over you.

I would suggest moving on, you can't really hope to persuade her out of a relationship especially when you have long distance as an obstacle. You can suggest to her that if things don't work out between her and that other guy you're open to forming a relationship again if you're not already seeing someone else by that time. Do it in a manly up-front way without beating around the bush, and above all else, don't wait for her. She will respect you for being up-front and honest. Stop bothering her, if she still holds any interest she will miss you and initiate any future socializing. If not, then c'est la vie, time to go after someone else.

Thank you for this reply. It gave me a really good insight.

[Couron]

Can't read the wall of text, its just not in my nature.

Be yourself, be down to earth, act like a normal human being.

What will happen will happen.

[Deleted]

lol, pwned.

I'm a senior software developer so i found this funny

You're 22. You take shit way too seriously. Also, i think the statement "don't shit where you eat" applies. Now going to your guild events is gonna be really weird.

[Fraza]

So already two months passed now. I started working out, attending sport dancing lessons (she did those throughout her middle school). My grades went up, i already gained 8 kg of muscles and started looking more leaner and straight, thanks to dances and workouts. I also told her what I'm doing and that I'm doing it because of her.

The second law of girls: Her interest in you is inversely proportional to the interest you show in her.

[Mavecryst]

Judging from your OP, I'd say it's not advisable to continue pursuing her. She is unclear as to what she wants, and was attempting to get a feel of her options. She chose the other guy, for now, and that should say enough. Don't be the fallback guy. She will not be the only one you can feel a connection with, but for the moment, I think you should focus on getting over girls in general for abit. Continue your exercises, but do them for YOU.

You'll know when you're really ready to get back into a proper relationship (if that's what you're looking for). It won't be a question.

Just treat this whole issue as getting over your previous distress. She may have been "getting a feel of her options" but you were also using her to feel confident and wanted again. Well, I think you proved to yourself that yeah, other girls will want you too. And one day, you'll find someone who's (this is important) willing to put in as much effort at attracting you as you are willing to put into attracting her. Hopefully the rest will fall into place then good luck!

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

That which you cannot dazzle, wear down.

Time consuming, but if you really really want to I guess that's up to you. Actually managed to work for a friend of mine.

Can't help but feel like your time would be better spent on another strumpet, though.

[Maelle]

She made her choice... let her get on with it and move on.

You are just stroking her ego hanging about being her plan B. You can make sure she knows where you are if she changes her mind, but if she wants it let her do the chasing when she's single again. Get on with your life, that would be my advice.

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

I'd also say have enough self respect to not be anyone's second choice.

You're never going to get anywhere with her fapping at the window while the other guy rails her, as it were.

[Useful]

I am 31. not married, have a decent job and life as a poker player and bass guitar enthusiast... and still play WoW =) Now when OP got a small picture of me as advisor, let me proceed. for the last 5-6 six years my personal life have been a weird mix of gamers relationship and music related relationship. 2 years ago I started dating my fellow guildy, a really nice girl, good looking, young and what is most improtant - not from my city. Note: there are two capitals in Russia. Officially it's Moscow while St. Petersburg stands for a "cultural capital". So I live in Moscow and literally all moscovites were risen with bias that girls from smaller cities fall in love with you and marry you only for your moscovite status and all possible privilegies it brings. Nevertheless we moved in together and lived happily for almost 2 years. Intented to play it slow, I did not propose to her. So 2 months ago she packed her stuff and we never talked since. Sorry for that short story, now to my point: that break up is not the only example of how gaming-based relationship ends. So after thinking quite a lot about it, I came to the conclusion that virtual reality may be good as a field for short-term sex-oriented story, and can never become a solid basis for the "till death divides us" thingy. I also had a lot of those mumble chat, I even travelled to the other side of my country and nailed some hot undead priest from Novosibirsk. I don't remember her name now, no kidding. So OP, trust the voice of an older guy and try to let it go. Hell, you're only 24. There will be a lot of girls: cheerleaders, bartenders, lawyers etc. but not gamers!

[Deleted]

You should get a normal girlfriend. Fuck gamers.

[Auloria]

This kind of obsession after getting dumped is very, very normal, but you have to see it for what it is. I remember a study that found your brain after getting dumped looks just like a drug addict trying to get clean, you're desperate in the same kind of way.

The stuff you are doing to improve your life is awesome, but stop doing it for her. Do it because you're going to impress your next girl, who's going to be way more awesome. It will take some time, but you will get there.

[Skippy88]

It takes two to tango and there's only one person on the dancefloor: You!

I do think she had some interest in you but either she liked the other guy better or through your actions pushed her away. Without involving her or your ex-girlfriend try to figure out where you went wrong and try to improve on those areas. Then head out and find someone else as it doesn't sound like either relationship is salvageable.

You sound like a good guy overall. I have no doubt you will find someone that is right for you.

[Seirith]

I would honestly move on. She has told you she is not interested so I would not plan your life and where you live around her, especially because you hardly know her. You should also stop doing stuff for her and do things for you! It's great you are looking better and taking dance but doing it for her will not change the fact she is not interested in you.

---------- Post added 2012-10-17 at 11:39 AM ----------

You should get a normal girlfriend. Fuck gamers.

I am curious as to what you mean by this?


I am a gamer, I am also a girl, I am also married to the first and only person I have ever dated. We have been together 14 years and married 6. I am 29. Not all girls who play games are "unnormal"