I'll start this by telling you a bit about my life. I'm a 22 year old guy, i have a job, i have some hobbies, i have a few friends i hang out with, party on weekends, etc. A "normal" life, i guess.
And i sickens the fuck out of me. Ever since i was like 10 years old, people annoyed me. I wasn't friends with people i really liked, i was friends with people who didn't annoy me as much as other people. Of course, there were allways some people i liked/loved.
I got on with my life like that since about 5 years ago, where i met my last girlfriend. For the first time in my life i felt really happy, we had a good, satisfying relationship. We were together for 2 years, until she got pregnant and lost the baby. We both couldn't get over it (i still can't til today) and broke up because of it.
However, for the following 2 years, i was pretty much her bitch. She used me for sex whenever she felt like it, and i went with it because i still loved her like crazy. I eventually "broke free" of this, and stopped contact with her. But ever since we broke up, i feel like i did before our relationship. My 2 primary feelings are rage and sadness. But i can't even cry anymore, though i would really like to from time to time. I lost contact to allmost all of my family because the annoyed me so much.
However, this year started off pretty well. I got into a new group of people and i really liked these people at first. But after some time, i realized they aren't any different then all those people who betrayed me and played games with me before. There were like 2 people out of this group that were honest, caring individuals. 1 guy, 1 girl. I fell in love with the girl. For the first time since the break up with my last girlfriend, i was able to be open and honest about my feelings. My feelings for here grew stronger over the time, and i felt like she had feelings for me too. We kissed, we slept with each other, i've been with her on the weekends. So, i finally told her that i love her a few weeks ago. Turns out she had some feelings for me, but also for this other guy i really liked.
They are now in an relationship with each other. She also said some things to me that really hurt me. So now, i just can't talk to these 2 people anymore. I just can't. I am so sad right now and so angry i can't even explain it. I open my heart and she breaks it.
So now, my group of friends contains of these 2 people that really hurt me, and some other people i don't really trust. It's fun to hang out with them, but that's about it. But if i quit the contact with them, i have no one. I would be completely alone.
So now i stand here. No real friends, nobody to love, feeling nothing but annoyance for the people around me, and sadness and anger about my life. I hate my job. I hate my family. And in the end, everyone i love just hurts me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be happy. I want to be loved. But i also want to be alone somehow because most people annoy me so much and make me angry. I am torn about everything. I am unable to make any meaningful decisions. Getting closer to christmas does not make it any better.
I tried suicide on christmas eve 2010, and right now, i feel just as helpless and alone as i did back then. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy.
I know this is probably not the right place to post stuff like this. But i am open for any help i can get, so i thought "why not?".
Sorry that this is pretty wall-of-text-ish, and a bit... all over the place with no real structure. I just wrote it as it came up in my mind. I hope it's understandable