Ding-a-Lings in Orgrimmar

[Breccia]

Garrosh Hellscream: Finally, the "professor" has arrived. I trust your trip was...uneventful?
Loremaster Cho: If by "uneventful" you mean "these twelve crossbowmen you sent to escort me didn't shoot me over and over" then, yes, it was.
Garrosh: Excellent. Now it is time for you to live up to your reputation. You will tell me what I want to know about this ancient Pandaren artifact my men have discovered. And do be thorough, or "defend your dissertation" will take on a new meaning. Har har.
Cho: Very well, I--
Garrosh: A meaning involving dodge rolls.
Cho: Yes, I got it the first--
Garrosh: I'm threatening to have you shot. That's where I was going with that clever bit of dialogue. Something I believe the blood elves call "double entrée".
Cho: Let me just say I'm not "hungry" for more of those.
Garrosh: ...I don't get it.
Cho: No, I suppose not. Since I have no choice, I may as well begin. Is that large tarp-covered shape over there, which you clearly intend to reveal with a dramatic unveiling, the item you want me to look at?
Garrosh: Indeed it is, BEHOLD! *thwap*
Cho: By the August Celestials! I have read many an ancient scroll on this ancient Mogu bell!
Garrosh: Yeah, see I figured the "bell" part out all on my own. What does it DO? And don't just start fiddling with it, either. I heard about seven or eight "what might this button do?" moments you had in the Mogu'shan Vaults. I mean, how many raid bosses did you trip over and wake up, anyhow? Where did you get that happy-go-lucky attitude with ancient world-destroying titan technology?
Cho: Well...
(recently)
Brann Bronzebeard: *hic* HA HA HA wait it got better! Then, like two years later, I nearly did the same thing in the Halls of Origination! I literally had a 50/50 chance of destroying every living thing on Azeroth! HA HA HA! I mean *hic* we could have all been vaporized! HA HA *hic* *whump*
Cho: Is this what passes for scholarly activity outside the mists?
Brann: HA HA HA *RELP* Oi, I beer-burped into m'own beard...
(back to the present)
Cho: ...consider it a multi-cultural approach, if you will.
Garrosh: Whatever. Just give me the short version. And keep those fuzzy mitts off it.
Cho: Do not worry, I have no desire to touch this. For you see, this powerful but EVIL device was crafted in flame and darkness, shaped by fear and anger, and forged from the very flesh of an Old God! In our language, it is called the Shenqing.
Garrosh: And what, do tell, does this "Shanking" mean in my language?
Cho: You would call it...the Ding Dong.
Garrosh: Really? You honestly expect us to call it that?
Cho: Yep. Hostess went bankrupt, the name's no longer copyrighted. Ah, poor Hostess. Many a monk mourns the loss of Ho-Ho's and Sno Balls, I can tell you that.
Garrosh: Wait a minute! Has this whole thing been a setup for a bunch of juvenile jokes? Like, "Garrosh's Ding-Dong is bigger than I thought" or "I bet Sylvanas wants to grab Garrosh's Ding-Dong"? Do you really think Blizzard is THAT immature?
Cho:There are currently 12 quests in this game that require you to pick up poop, or even to poop yourself to complete them.
Garrosh: Well TOO BAD! We're renaming this right now to...the Divine Bell.
Cho: Yes. A bell, made from a God, called the Divine Bell. That's a much smarter name.
Garrosh: Now, what does it do?
Cho: Well, if the stories are true, it was used by the Thunder King, the most powerful tyrant to ever rule the continent for nearly two hundred years. He instilled within it the power of Hatred, Doubt, Fear and Anger, to strengthen his armies while scattering his foes.
Garrosh: Ah, and did it work?
Cho: It worked great, until both his empire and the Zandalari were defeated by a bunch of suspiciously overweight unarmed slaves. I swear I'm not making this up.
Garrosh: Wonderful! I claim this weapon for the Horde, then! This thing's bind-on-use, right? How do I attune it?
Cho: Um, you do know that Hatred, Doubt, Fear and Anger are the names of the four major Sha, right? I fear that, each time it is rung, its owner will become further corrupted by them, and by proxy the evil intent of their Maker!
Garrosh: Corrupted by an ancient evil, and turned into the expansion's final raid boss? Hah! There's no way that's going to happen FOUR times in a row. Well five maybe, if you include C'thun.
**BONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG**
Garrosh: There! Soulbound! Now I am its owner! Now to give this all-powerful world-shaking weapon the treatment it deserves!
Cho: Um...
Garrosh: Baine! Get in here!
Baine Bloodhoof: You rang?
Garrosh: We're moving that thing to one of the most secure rooms in Orgrimmar. Its purpose and, if possible, its very existence will be a closely-guarded secret. I don't want this thing getting out of control.
Cho: Wait, you're locking it up? I thought you were going to, you know, lead your armies with it and--
Garrosh: What? You're the leading expert in Mogu relics, and you just told me this thing was too dangerous to use. So, naturally, I'm hiding it away. How stupid do you think I am?
Cho: Well...
(recently)
Garrosh: Ah, Rak'gor, one of my most trusted assassins. You remember Vol'jin, the "skull-level" troll faction leader? This is the guy who told me to my face, that he would shoot me in the back.
Vol'jin: In de hindsight, I shouldda done that the other way round, mon. But I had a LOT of mojo that day. It be legal in Colorado, ya know.
Garrosh: I want you to escort him to a dark, quiet, secluded spot, then...do what we discussed.
Rak'gor Bloodrazor: It would be my pleasure, Warchief. Heh heh heh...
Garrosh: Also, I publicly insist that you take these 3 raid-geared adventurers with you.
Rak'gor: So...I'm to be outnumbered, then? I don't like where this is going.
Garrosh: Not to worry. Bring these two red-shirted Kor'kron with you.
Red-Shirted Kor'kron: We have the combined hit points of a Kafa-Crazed Mountain Goat.
Rak'gor: ...you realize I'd STILL be outnumbered, right?
Garrosh: Also, when you first stab Vol'jin, stab him hard enough to fall down, but not hard enough to cast two healing stream totems.
Rak'gor: That's a very specific level of stabbing. Also, it sounds suicidally counterproductive.
Garrosh: And the rest of the fight, make sure you use primarily melee attacks that wouldn't kill an arthritic cloth-wearing gnome, and switch targets every five seconds.
Rak'gor: ...I ookin' hate you.
Garrosh: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm have to go yell at some blood elves. I just sent a bunch of them unprepared into an ancient mogu-guarded ruin and got a lot of them killed, now I'm going to order them to violate the neutrality of Dalaran in front of Jaina. Whose city I just blew up.
(back to the present)
Cho: ...you'd have to really work to be as stupid as people say you are.
Garrosh: That's more like it! Baine, pick that thing up and let's get going.
Baine: Right! Because what the Horde needs...is more cow bell.
Cho: I think we all saw that joke coming.
Garrosh: Guards! Scour the lands for the most dangerous, I mean REALLY rage-bloody-vicious, raid-level fighters you can find. Put them on 24 hour watch, but DON'T tell them what for. Tell them they're supposed to practice their skills to prove they're the best of the best, or something. Cho, you can show yourself out.
Cho: Goodness. I saw that going another way entirely. Maybe things will get better after all!
(a short time later)
Boss Bazzelflange: You ready to get back in there, kid?
Dkpwnface: I lost the last 27 times, but I think THIS time I got it!
Bazzelflange: Okay! Dkpwnface versus Unguloxx! Round twenty-eight, FIGHT!
**BONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG**
Dkpwnface: ...anyone else get a wierd shiver just now?
Bazzelflange: Nah, it's just nerves. Get out there, show us some blood!
Dkpwnface: No really, I think that bell might be *crunch* OH GOD MY SPINE! WHY ALWAYS THE SPINE?!!!

[trolleeolee]

read it . didnt like it.

i guess i dont like you humour cause i didnt laugh at one thing. not my thing. maybr someone else will enjooy



....probabely not

[GhostSkull]

I liked it! Thanks for sharing it.

[Dreknar20]

Any problem can be solved on Azeroth with the proper application of more cow bell

[Pascal]

That was good. Thank you for the entertainment. Five stars.

[Duncanîdaho]

The whole MSV and Brann thing gave me a good chuckle. Button happy jerks always almost getting us killed.

[GeordieMagpie]

Hehe, thanks

[huth]

I think you need to recolor Rok'gar, i had to mark the text before i could read it.

[Breccia]

I think you need to recolor Rok'gar, i had to mark the text before i could read it.

Took your advice. That should be more clearly visible, tho sadly not the "rogue color".

[Felshen]

"Garrosh: Ah, Rak'gor, one of my most trusted assassins. You remember Vol'jin, the "skull-level" troll faction leader? This is the guy who told me to my face, that he would shoot me in the back.
Vol'jin: In de hindsight, I shouldda done that the other way round, mon. But I had a LOT of mojo that day. It be legal in Colorado, ya know."

Haha. Also liked the Belf double entry joke.