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  1. #1

    My wife is checking out of our marriage!

    im 35 she is 37 we have been together for 11 years married almost 3 2 weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me saying she is done with our life together.
    There have been a ton of rifts between us whether is about her family her work and the general inability to get any affections from her. For all these problems
    in our lives which i had little control over its the fact that my temper is bad and thus the reason she has had enough. i can get angry but it doesnt matter what the reason is whether its frustration over her family not wanting to solve problems her lack of affection or apathy of anything that consists of a problem. I admit that it took this extreme revelation for me to fully understand how my anger had affected her over the years and its hard to start the process of change when you are reeling from the heartbreak of your wife saying she doesnt love you anymore. Anyone have any advice or should i just give up my fight if someone checks out of a marriage am i doomed. We also have a 9 year old who is devastated. We still live together right now just started counseling but she keeps saying she is done!

  2. #2
    Legendary! The Glitch's Avatar
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    Its good you have realised that you are as much of the problem as she is, marriage is a duo not one sided. I would reccommend talking to your wife, telling her what you ahve just told us, and find out if there is anyway that she would be willing to work at rebuilding your marriage. It won't be easy, marriage is hard, but it's worth fighting for when you have a child, and if there is any semblence of love and willingness between you both then you can make it work.

    If she doesn't want to, or isn't interested then maybe it's time for you to move on, be there for your child and she/he will grow up knowing you love her/him and cherish her/him, but somethings can't always be fixed.

    Really talking to your wife is the only course of action right now. Get off these forums and go talk to your wife.
    Last edited by The Glitch; 2012-12-14 at 01:39 AM.

  3. #3
    thats actually why im here she DOESNT want to talk she is DONE! yet still here so im confused

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Dancing Turkey View Post
    Really talking to your wife is the only course of action right now. Get off these forums and go talk to your wife.
    This.

    Also, are you willing to change, or are you still planning to be the same angry guy? It's hard to tell by your description what that actually entails - are you just angry all the time? Do you curse, shout, hit things, hit... people...? I don't see how you can not think that bringing years of anger into a marriage isn't going to have some effect on it. It's good that it's opened your eyes, but that's only half the issue. Like someone who realizes they're overweight - if you're not going to cut back on the food and start exercising, it doesn't matter if you're aware of it if you're not going to do something about it.

    So it's up to you what you really want. You can't have a working marriage if you're not going to put in the effort for it. Like Dancing Turkey said, it's not just one-sided. But talking to her rather than us on the forums is a good start.

    If you're willing to change, but she refuses to talk, remember that actions speak louder than words - and I don't mean getting on your knees and begging for forgiveness. You have to show in some way that the marriage matters to you and that it's worth keeping, and while your daughter is important, right now she is not a reason or a scapegoat in keeping your marriage together. Guilt, finances, etc. can keep your marriage, but it won't bring you any happiness. You got married to begin with, so I'm assuming you had some sort of meaningful relationship in all those years. Maybe think back on what it was that brought you together and bring that back to your relationship now. Special gifts, places, memories and things that will show her you still think about her.
    Last edited by Forumchibi; 2012-12-14 at 01:50 AM.

  5. #5
    im hundred percent committed to changing myself just wanted to hear other peoples experiences is it too late

  6. #6
    You're kind of vague. There's gotta be more to it than your "anger". Did your anger manifest as being overbearing? Jealousy? You had to know these things would affect her. But you probably never thought she would leave you over them. So it's not like all of the sudden the light bulb comes on and you're like "Oh. So now, I see that me acting crazy is not a healthy thing for a relationship.". Being around someone with a bad temper, and someone you have to walk on eggshells for is pure misery. And it's probably the things that are making you angry that are driving her away.

    Things like this are usually a long time coming. Bad things happen, ultimatums are given, and promises broken. And someone can only take so much before they finally can't take it anymore and leave. Having a child is not grounds for staying in a bad relationship. Because that stuff is very unhealthy for the kids in the house.

    But I'm just taking a guess. All you're really giving up is that you have a bad temper. So I'm speculating. But I'm guessing that your bad temper is making her feel like shit. And it probably isn't you throwing your controller against the wall for getting camped in CoD. Insecurity, jealousy, anger, are relationship killers. That stuff needs to be fixed by yourself. Not with another person, before you can be in another relationship.
    Perfect example of why "community" forums are poisonous to the health of a development team. These developers are wasting hundreds of hours trying to stem the tide of incessant bitchery that would never, ever abate so long as these entitled, unfortunate human beings don't get their way.

  7. #7
    You may just have to start from the beginning again. Start some counseling for yourself, because most likely it is your temper that drove her away little by little. Move out of your bedroom if you have not already and give her some space. Tell her what you want would like to do. Don't yell or point the finger, just tell her what you want to do and how much your marriage means to you. Then try and start over, start doing the things you used to do when you first met.

    And even if that does not work, move on because living in the past never helped anyone.

  8. #8
    Looks like you're back to "washing" your clothes in the dryer before work!
    "Bah-weep-graaaaagnah wheep nini bong!"
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    Quote Originally Posted by Helden View Post
    Tradewind isn't helping.

  9. #9
    Free Food!?!?! Tziva's Avatar
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    Keeping going to counseling, keep working on the marriage, and keep trying to work on your own issues. Don't make excuses, don't play the blame game, just do as much as you can to repair things, with or without her help.

    Unfortunately, the time to do these was before the breaking point, but it's still worth trying.
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  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by TradewindNQ View Post
    Looks like you're back to "washing" your clothes in the dryer before work!
    HAHAHAHA That's what I do!

    sometimes even my underwear.
    Perfect example of why "community" forums are poisonous to the health of a development team. These developers are wasting hundreds of hours trying to stem the tide of incessant bitchery that would never, ever abate so long as these entitled, unfortunate human beings don't get their way.

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Last Starfighter View Post
    HAHAHAHA That's what I do!

    sometimes even my underwear.
    Fuck yeah, spray some febreeze on a hand towel and chuck that asshole in there with your pants. Fresh pants for the day!
    "Bah-weep-graaaaagnah wheep nini bong!"
    On Parole from Retard Rehabilitation since October 22, 2014.
    Quote Originally Posted by Helden View Post
    Tradewind isn't helping.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by TradewindNQ View Post
    Fuck yeah, spray some febreeze on a hand towel and chuck that asshole in there with your pants. Fresh pants for the day!
    Now that is pure genius. Thanks dude! I may never do laundry again now!
    Perfect example of why "community" forums are poisonous to the health of a development team. These developers are wasting hundreds of hours trying to stem the tide of incessant bitchery that would never, ever abate so long as these entitled, unfortunate human beings don't get their way.

  13. #13
    Stood in the Fire Kirse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critcross View Post
    im 35 she is 37 we have been together for 11 years married almost 3 2 weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me saying she is done with our life together.
    There have been a ton of rifts between us whether is about her family her work and the general inability to get any affections from her. For all these problems
    in our lives which i had little control over its the fact that my temper is bad and thus the reason she has had enough. i can get angry but it doesnt matter what the reason is whether its frustration over her family not wanting to solve problems her lack of affection or apathy of anything that consists of a problem. I admit that it took this extreme revelation for me to fully understand how my anger had affected her over the years and its hard to start the process of change when you are reeling from the heartbreak of your wife saying she doesnt love you anymore. Anyone have any advice or should i just give up my fight if someone checks out of a marriage am i doomed. We also have a 9 year old who is devastated. We still live together right now just started counseling but she keeps saying she is done!
    I had a similar seemingly hopeless situation with my husband a few years back. He had become really depressed due to working nights and stress from my chronic illness, and wasn't at all himself. He was angry all of the time, said hurtful things to friends/family, and said he no longer loved me. We were determined to make it work (we have a no divorce no matter what rule with each other) so we stayed together. For a year or more I was so hurt that it was hard to be in the house with him. I was devastated.
    We are always very honest with each other and talk about everything, even the most embarrassing details of our lives. We talked it out and said many hard truths that left us both raw. Over time we worked on improving ourselves and being open to changing how the other would like (yes this did involve some drastic changes). But that's one of the greatest benefits of a relationship; you grow to become a better person and partner, and work towards it even when it's hard.
    I suggest reflecting on your anger issues and perhaps seeing a doctor. My husband ended up taking anti-depressants (I have too in the past) and he said he was no longer struggling constantly with negative thoughts that were previously overwhelming. He's now back to himself and we're very much in love again when before he said he struggled to feel anything positive in life. He has since gone off them and has remained in good mental health. It could be that your anger is a chemical imbalance, which for many people is the result of previous stressful events. I'm not suggesting that this is definitely the right thing for you, but it's an option you may wish to explore (again wth a doctor).

    Good luck

    Edit: I'm sad to hear that your child is involved. In the future try to avoid mentioning the subject or fighting in front of him/her because that can be very upsetting and leave a lasting impression
    Last edited by Kirse; 2012-12-14 at 02:12 AM.
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  14. #14
    Pandaren Monk Auloria's Avatar
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    Actually, if there is a big problem with your anger, I'm going to strongly recommend that you accept the break and take time to focus on yourself and what your inability to control your anger is costing you.

    If you try to talk her into getting back together, it's just talk. You haven't really lost anything, so you haven't learned anything, and you won't change, and she knows it!

    Tell her she's right, you have a problem, you agree that taking a break to work on that is a good idea, and suddenly you guys are agreeing instead of fighting, and the long-term chances of your marriage are a lot better.

  15. #15
    Brewmaster Kiry's Avatar
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    And a break doesn't mean divorce. It can just mean a time out or a separation. Take care of self, take care of the kid, and perhaps learn to love as a family again. Date. Whatever.

    Separations can work. Takes commitment on both parties to work on shit.
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  16. #16
    Stood in the Fire Dragonix80's Avatar
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    Talk with your wife. If it doesn't work, consider marriage counselor. Reevaluate your life and how you can improve it.

    Divorce should be the last resort.

  17. #17
    Seeking marriage advice on an internet gaming forum website. It's a sign of the times I guess.

  18. #18
    The Lightbringer Deadvolcanoes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critcross View Post
    thats actually why im here she DOESNT want to talk she is DONE! yet still here so im confused
    In my opinion, this seems like a sign that there is someone else in her life. It also might explain her lack of affection toward you. Do you possibly think she is cheating?

    I don't want to put thoughts in your head, but that's my opinion.
    It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.

  19. #19
    I think there are more to the story. Usually if you been married for 11 years and got a kid that is 9 you usually want to work for it to keep family together. I think she have find another man, And that might be the reason why she already maid up her mind about the relationship that it is done and do not want to work for it.

    This happen to my parents at least. I saw on my mom that something was different and knew straight away. She kept lying all the time by saying that she was done and was leaving my father etc, until i just said stop fucking lie im tired of this bullshitt just tell me and i know something is going on just tell me now. Dam i remember i got super angry. Made me rage so hard. Did not talk to her for over 3 years still mad about it. Just cant believe someone will hurt a person like that and just throw everything away.
    Last edited by Tarakio; 2012-12-14 at 02:33 AM.

  20. #20
    Legendary! vindicatorx's Avatar
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    Well you got it better than what my brother got his wife told him she wasn't happy and that she wanted them to work a few things out and like 3 days later he came home early from work to find her packing her shit with the guy she had been banging for near 3 months. In my opinion when she uses terms like it's over, done, or finished she has made up her mind. I would stress your concerns about your child and the negative effects it will have on him. Keep going to to the counselling and hope she can see the effort you are putting into making it work.

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