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  1. #21
    The Unstoppable Force Aeluron Lightsong's Avatar
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    If what you're saying is true, the fact your wife isn't wanting to discuss things is problematic for her. Now GRANTED there are exceptions to the rule and I know one personally. Try speaking to her if possible again if not try and mend and be the better person or rather don't be stupid and all that. Good luck though.
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  2. #22
    Pandaren Monk Silhouette of Seraphim's Avatar
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    Sounds like you need to have a few hours of real talk with the wife.

    Barring that, I'd recommend peeing on her to mark her as your property before another man comes around.

    I'd open with the real talk, though. Keep the other in your back pocket.
    They can dynamite Devil Reef, but that will bring no relief, Y'ha-nthlei is deeper than they know.

  3. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by Critcross View Post
    im 35 she is 37 we have been together for 11 years married almost 3 2 weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me saying she is done with our life together.
    There have been a ton of rifts between us whether is about her family her work and the general inability to get any affections from her. For all these problems
    in our lives which i had little control over its the fact that my temper is bad and thus the reason she has had enough. i can get angry but it doesnt matter what the reason is whether its frustration over her family not wanting to solve problems her lack of affection or apathy of anything that consists of a problem. I admit that it took this extreme revelation for me to fully understand how my anger had affected her over the years and its hard to start the process of change when you are reeling from the heartbreak of your wife saying she doesnt love you anymore. Anyone have any advice or should i just give up my fight if someone checks out of a marriage am i doomed. We also have a 9 year old who is devastated. We still live together right now just started counseling but she keeps saying she is done!
    You have a child, you are not doomed. It feels like the world is ending, but take comfort in your child. I would suggest going on some anger management, even if it sounds silly or you dont think it wil help, it wil help you years from now in thinking that you at least did that.

    Spend time with your child, she needs you more then you need your whife. Partners can change, blood is blood.

    Do not give up, life is not over.

    Take care of your child, she/he needs you.

    Think about the future, take comfort in looking back while knowing you did everything for your child.

    Good luck to you, seek a therapist, DO IT, not for yourselves but for your child. DO it!

  4. #24
    Regardless of what cause this situation, usually the significant other (especially a woman) won't call it quits completely until they've found someone else (no one wants to be alone).

    If she's determined to split up, I'd say she already has another boyfriend and that's why she's so set (she's looking forward to her new life and nothing you say/do will matter).

  5. #25
    Pandaren Monk Ronnosh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critcross View Post
    im 35 she is 37 we have been together for 11 years married almost 3 2 weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me saying she is done with our life together.
    There have been a ton of rifts between us whether is about her family her work and the general inability to get any affections from her. For all these problems
    in our lives which i had little control over its the fact that my temper is bad and thus the reason she has had enough. i can get angry but it doesnt matter what the reason is whether its frustration over her family not wanting to solve problems her lack of affection or apathy of anything that consists of a problem. I admit that it took this extreme revelation for me to fully understand how my anger had affected her over the years and its hard to start the process of change when you are reeling from the heartbreak of your wife saying she doesnt love you anymore. Anyone have any advice or should i just give up my fight if someone checks out of a marriage am i doomed. We also have a 9 year old who is devastated. We still live together right now just started counseling but she keeps saying she is done!
    Once she said she she didn't love you anymore, she pretty much confirmed she's past the point of no return. The two of you can continue to talk as it can help get you some more perspective from her but you can't fight the situation for what it is or make an aggressive effort to change her mind as it'll just push her further away.

    If this event did indeed move you enough to make real changes in yourself as a person, the best thing for you to do is continue on this path of change and let the chips fall where they may. Retreating back to your old ways out of hopelessness will only reaffirm her decision whereas moving on down a path of self betterment affords you the opportunity to show her you're making genuine changes and increases the chance that your next relationship will be more successful should the current one remain over.
    Last edited by Ronnosh; 2012-12-14 at 03:10 AM.
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  6. #26
    Stood in the Fire Kirse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duskster View Post
    Once she said she she didn't love you anymore, she pretty much confirmed she's past the point of no return. The two of you can continue to talk as it can help get you some more perspective from her but you can't fight the situation for what it is or make an aggressive effort to change her mind as it'll just push her further away.
    That isn't always the case, as it wasn't for me. My situation sounds a little different, however, since OP suggested that his anger management issues have been going on for a long time, whereas my husband changed over the course of a year. It is easier to accept that a short term behaviour is correctable.

    OP- This may be off-topic since I don't know much about your situation, but if you have been physically or emotionally abusive with your wife rather than expressing your anger in other ways I doubt that you have or even deserve a chance. Not with her. People do have the capacity to change, but the damage has already been done. It would be kinder to let her move on and heal instead of carrying that baggage with her. It will also be difficult for you to not return to the same style of fighting with her since you have already let it go that far previously, so a clean slate could well be best for both of you.

    tell her she's right, you have a problem, you agree that taking a break to work on that is a good idea, and suddenly you guys are agreeing instead of fighting, and the long-term chances of your marriage are a lot better.
    I agree with this completely. Validation and willingness to change are key. Even if she isn't willing to discuss staying together, she is likely to be receptive to you admitting to the problem and coming up with solutions to fix it. These topics should be covered in marriage counselling.
    "Healing is a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. All the healers try to gobble all the marbles up. Disc priests take the marbles off the board."

  7. #27
    If she is not actually gone she is willing to talk and try to fix things. She wants you to convince her to stay.

    Also, if she does leave, the most important question becomes: Does she have a sister? Do what you must.

  8. #28
    The Lightbringer Collegeguy's Avatar
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    It's a good learning experience. You don't know what you have until you lose it, and people take things for granted. Fortunately for me, that happened on my first engagement before we walked down the aisle, and not 11 yrs later. I think it's something everyone has to learn.

  9. #29
    Go to counseling. Work it out. If you're still living together then its obviously not done.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lanfear1 View Post
    You have a child, you are not doomed. It feels like the world is ending, but take comfort in your child. I would suggest going on some anger management, even if it sounds silly or you dont think it wil help, it wil help you years from now in thinking that you at least did that.

    Spend time with your child, she needs you more then you need your whife. Partners can change, blood is blood.

    Do not give up, life is not over.

    Take care of your child, she/he needs you.

    Think about the future, take comfort in looking back while knowing you did everything for your child.

    Good luck to you, seek a therapist, DO IT, not for yourselves but for your child. DO it!
    This so much. I'm no specialist on anything, but my dad divorced my mom when I was about 6 when they couldn't come to terms in arguments. Dad would yell, Mom would yell back, I'd cry, the usual story. Kids are smart, don't underestimate how much they take in from your interactions, they may not have a great vocabulary to put it in words yet, but they read adults just as frequently as adults try to read into them. Don't let your kid grow up without one parent, if divorce is absolutely unavoidable you must both still be there.

    Good luck!
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  11. #31
    Pandaren Monk Bantokar's Avatar
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    Whatever you decide to do, do it fast. Even a divorce will be better for your child than the current situation.

    When my parents were getting divorced it took them 2 years of on again off again. This made them stressed/frustrated and generally unhappy. We kids easily felt this. Then when the divorce was final it was like a huge weight came of their shoulder and they becme much happier people to be around. Sure divorce sucks, but being in a dead relationship is much worse, especially for your child who picks up a lot more than you may think.
    8 year olds Dude.

  12. #32
    Shit happens. Before trying to convince her over, make sure you actually want to stay with her for the rest of your life and visa versa. Not only for you and her, but especially for your child. Having divorced parents sucks balls yes, having parents who can't stand each other, but both pretend to live in this illusion is worse. Believe me. Years ago I would have given money to get my parents to divorce, now I just don't care anymore.

    But whatever you do, talk to the child and don't lie about it. It's tough for him, he won't understand it completely, but eventually he will. Having divorced parents doesn't mean he can't be happy with you or his mother anymore.

  13. #33
    Moderator Shamanic's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you realise that you have problems, and you say you've already started counselling, all I can say is you need to sit down with your wife and at least for the sake of your kid, ask her to consider completing the counselling.

    At the end of the day though if she outrightly refuses there is not a lot you can do, you can't force her, a marriage takes two and sometimes it just isn't there anymore... but you have a 9 year old to think of, who is going to be confused and scared by this change, you need to keep things at least amicable with your wife, work out a custody and living arrangement and focus on being a good father, even though you're going to be hurting a lot.

    Maybe your wife needs a break and will come back to you - maybe she won't, but do not let it screw up your relationship with your kid.
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  14. #34
    Stood in the Fire Taru's Avatar
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    Is there by any chance anyone else in your wife's life? Not persay on a serious level. But when someone is so determined to just end well maybe there's more to it.
    Having slight interest in someone else can make one want to try a lot less

  15. #35
    Quote Originally Posted by Yvelisse View Post
    Is there by any chance anyone else in your wife's life? Not persay on a serious level. But when someone is so determined to just end well maybe there's more to it.
    Having slight interest in someone else can make one want to try a lot less
    She is armament about saying there's no one but she did meet this girl at work 2 months ago she spends a lot of energy with her talki g for hous thousands of texting comes over early in the morning after I lea e for work . Can't imagine she turn gay but it does look abnormal emotional affair ?

  16. #36
    Warchief Reqq's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critcross View Post
    She is armament about saying there's no one but she did meet this girl at work 2 months ago she spends a lot of energy with her talki g for hous thousands of texting comes over early in the morning after I lea e for work . Can't imagine she turn gay but it does look abnormal emotional affair ?
    Either that or it's not the girl she's texting at all. Anyway, that's irrelevant really... If she's adamant then there's very little you can do. Give her space - trying to talk it out will just push her further away, if she wants to resolve anything with you, she'll choose when to do it.

    Main aim for you is to get your life back on track and concentrate on helping your child through this. As much as you cling on to the hope that she might come back - it's probably wise to seek legal advice for any possible divorce proceedings, and also access to your child if she starts being difficult in this respect.

    Other than that, embrace your new single life my friend! Things like this happen, I'm afraid but it's certainly a negative you can turn into a positive!

  17. #37
    I am Murloc! SirRobin's Avatar
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    Well the wife and I have our share of trouble too. I've come very close to leaving her just as she has with me. I figure part of the reason she hasn't left is that she knows I will fight for custody and that I've got a good chance of winning too. If your wife says its over then, well, its over. Wouldn't be surprised if she has someone waiting in the wings either. Find a good lawyer and start fighting for custody.
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  18. #38
    Warchief Reqq's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SirRobin View Post
    Well the wife and I have our share of trouble too. I've come very close to leaving her just as she has with me. I figure part of the reason she hasn't left is that she knows I will fight for custody and that I've got a good chance of winning too. If your wife says its over then, well, its over. Wouldn't be surprised if she has someone waiting in the wings either. Find a good lawyer and start fighting for custody.
    I agree with you. However I found that if you approach the issue of custody from a balanced, respectful P.O.V you can avoid a lot of the drama and heartache attached to lengthy court battles. I would say re: Custody, don't just go charging in all guns blazing with a team of Lawyers. See if you can reach an amicable solution outside of the court room first.

    Atleast then you separate with some dignity intact and a mutually beneficial arrangement. Also, save the lawyers and courts for if she decides to screw you around and refuse contact, change dates at a whim, make life impossible for you to see your child. Lawyers and Courts really should be a last resort.

  19. #39
    Pandaren Monk Auloria's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critcross View Post
    She is armament about saying there's no one but she did meet this girl at work 2 months ago she spends a lot of energy with her talki g for hous thousands of texting comes over early in the morning after I lea e for work . Can't imagine she turn gay but it does look abnormal emotional affair ?
    More likely the girl is just her enabler for proceeding with the split. Not much you can do about that, your wife needs a support system right now just as much as you do.

  20. #40
    If your anger issue is really so severe as to break up your marriage then I would make it a priority to deal with that. Many people downplay faults like being 'angry' all the time without realizing that they are actually acting like complete psychopaths. The second priority should be figuring out what is right for any children involved. After those two issues are addressed, maybe you can look into giving it another shot. The truth is that it is better to break up a marriage early on than force it to go on while one of the people spirals completely out of control (whether it is from alcoholism, emotional problems or mental health issues).

    You might not realize it, but if from your point of view your wife is leaving due to what she sees as 'anger' issues, from her point of view it might be more like she is worried you will end up being one of those husbands that turns his wife into swiss cheese with a kitchen knife because she overcooked the spaghetti one day.
    Last edited by Venant; 2012-12-14 at 03:25 PM.
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