My advice is in the short term just focus on you. Find out what makes you angry. Try to eliminate the causes as much as possible and also look into trying to fix your reaction. For me I like the phrases "Don't sweat the small stuff" and "It's out of my control" both are pretty self-explanatory. I also like to think that no matter how bad things get it will all work out in the end and it usually does. Regardless of if you save your marriage or not fixing you will still help you in the long run.
Once you fix yourself then you can try fixing your marriage. I have seen people been able to fix it and I have seen people who haven't. I think in the back of your mind you have to realize it's possible and to fight for it until it's over.
I'm surrounded by peopel going through a similar situation like yourself. My best friend whom was my best man at my wedding has a horrid temper and looses it at the smallest thing. This caused many an argument with his wife and many times ive been called in as mediator.
They tend to alwasy tell me that I have it easy my marriage is so great yada yada but what peoepl don't see / realize is my marriage is a metrick FUCKTON of work. Work that I gladly do and come out a better man for in the end... but work none the less!
I don't knwo you or your wife but after that much time I believe she may be saying indirectly "I'm done with empty promisses / your shit that keeps commign up'. Sorry for being blunt but the faster you scrape away the sugar coating the faster you can get to fixing the issues! What I would sugest is getting YOURSELF fixed before you can fix your marriage. it sucks I get you want to fix it all right now but after 11 years togethere you must sit back and realise YOU could not do it ALONE after 11 years and now you need help to fix your issues that are affecting your marriage...before you try fixing the marriage. As your marriage is a group dynamic (wife,children, family, friends, coworkers) you really need to be sure YOU are sound and stable before you can try and fix all the rest.... you got to look at it from the perspective yourself and your wife are the foundation for the marriage and everythign else rests on teh 2 of you. At this point shes saying your part of the foundation is broke thus no matter how much bandaid fixes you throw at everything above it it wont change as it will just break again when the foundation shifts and cracks again.
I really hope we hear of how you turned it all around but please if you really want it to work out...WORK HARD on you and then on the relationship to ensure its not a neverending cycle! However I would highly sugest getting her on board for your recovery process...suport is key!