Though they won’t reveal the ingredients in their secret recipe, the manufacturers of Liquid Ass promise their “power–packed, super–concentrated liquid begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt–crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo.”
And while this olfactory assault in a bottle may seem like the natural domain of 10-year-old boys, a Michigan father recently proved that you can be 10 years old and a biological adult at the same time when he was charged for allegedly spraying the stinky stuff inside his son’s school… immediately after the boy had been suspended for precisely the same activity.
As Fox 2 reports, Jason Festerman was called in to Marine City Middle School to collect his Liquid Ass-spraying child.
The boy admitted to releasing a stream of the foul-smelling spray both in the cafeteria and the classroom, causing disruptions that landed him in hot, hopefully cleansing, water.
He said he had stolen the bottle from his parents’ room where they keep ample supply, as it is apparently a Festerman family tradition to enter public spaces together and unleash the scent of excrement and dead animals upon an unsuspecting crowd.
"We've gone to Kmart. We've had our kids with it and were spraying," he told the news network. "We've done it at like Dollar General. Everyone laughed."
By “everyone” Festerman did not elaborate as to whether that number included anyone outside his immediately family.
So when he was asked to pick up his son from school, those killjoys in the administrative office were – shockingly – none too impressed when the elder Festerman allegedly retrieved the can from the garbage, depressed the Liquid Ass nozzle, and demonstrated what garbage could really smell like if it just put in a little more effort.
School officials called the police.
Festerman’s story, and he’s sticking to it, is that he was just “checking the canister to see if anything was in it.” A test he no doubt felt compelled to perform at his son’s school rather than in the safety of his own home.
“They charged me with disorderly conduct. That’s way above and beyond,” he sniffed.
Police disagreed. An officer told Fox News the grotesque smell ended up making people on the premises sick and that they believe Festerman acted “out of spite” for his son’s punishment.
“It was just a harmless prank. Now I'm looking at 90 days in jail and up to $500 in fines," Festerman countered.
It’s easy to understand his displeasure. Just think of how many bottles of Liquid Ass he could buy with that money.