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  1. #1

    [Relationship] Question Concerning My Girl

    Hello,

    The girl that I'm with is great. Personality, looks, and my parents adore her. Were friends for about 4 years before becoming official. We'd both text, call, and email each other. However, lately I've started noticing things about her; she mentioned that she doesn't call anymore because she wants to avoid being "clingy". So when I don't call her, if we dont talk, even when she knows she can call out and reach me, she doesn't to avoid that "clingy" label; that is the reason her previous boyfriend dumped her and she doesnt want to repeat that.

    I've told her that I won't think anything like that if she wants to give me a call, but now if a day passes by without me calling her, she freaks out, wonders if I still like and care for her, etc. I do not MIND calling her daily as I love hearing her voice, but some days I just text due to my rigorous schedule (and she knows this). Now that she is with her family, we are physically about 800 miles from each other.

    Today she said something to me that I don't quite know how to process. She said that she is not enjoying herself because I'm not with her. They are in Vegas for Christmas, and she has never been there. Her entire family (most of which she hasnt seen in AGES) will be there and I told her that while we aren't in each other's presence currently, that she should make best of the situation and that would help take some of her focus off of missing me. While I told her I missed her too, I mentioned that it was important to miss each other sometimes so that seeing each other will be that much better/sweeter when we see each other again.

    I guess my question is.. can you be so emotionally connected to a guy that you feel sick when you are apart? Do you find yourself not having a good time when your significant other isn't around? This is my first girlfriend so I'm trying to be careful what I say/do while being as supportive as I can be.

    Could use some PoVs/perspectives from both men and women here.

    Thanks.

  2. #2
    I am Murloc! Tomatketchup's Avatar
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    I'd say yes, it can be pretty dull without your boyfriend, though this is coming from a rather emotional hetero boy, so I obviously can't speak entirely for your girlfriend's feelings.

  3. #3
    I know that when my boyfriend went for a boy's weekend to Tahoe last year for the weekend that I missed him so much I couldn't sleep. We've been together for 3 years now, and even though I texted him and called him every night, it wasn't the same as speaking with him face to face. I didn't do much that weekend, just cleaned the house. Didn't even play wow because it wasn't the same without him online with me...
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  4. #4
    Field Marshal
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    Yes, definitely you can feel sick. Especially (or I guess only?) when you're not used to it. And being in foreign company doesen't help a thing. I would feel stressed as well.
    Personally, I'm not awaiting the moment my one goes to Czech Republic for exchange.. going to be painful first weeks.

    I guess best that you can do is remind her that it's not going to be that long until the holidays are gone and she gets back home.

  5. #5
    Mechagnome Liagala's Avatar
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    Yes it's possible. If she doesn't have the emotional strength to get through a day on her own (which she evidently doesn't), the stress of not talking to you can definitely make her feel physically sick. Personally if I met someone who was like that, I'd run as far and as fast as I could. How in the world could someone ever even hope to be an equal partner in a relationship when they can't even keep themselves together for 24 hours without support? If you two have been good friends for 4 years though, you're obviously much more forgiving about that sort of thing than I am.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Liagala View Post
    Yes it's possible. If she doesn't have the emotional strength to get through a day on her own (which she evidently doesn't), the stress of not talking to you can definitely make her feel physically sick. Personally if I met someone who was like that, I'd run as far and as fast as I could. How in the world could someone ever even hope to be an equal partner in a relationship when they can't even keep themselves together for 24 hours without support? If you two have been good friends for 4 years though, you're obviously much more forgiving about that sort of thing than I am.
    this ex boyfriend of hers may have been onto something.
    yes its possible but it isn't very healthy.
    I think you should look long and hard about this relationship now. From what you have said she has always been this way and will most likely continue with this behavior, heel look at her actions, she doesn't want to call you cause she doesn't want to be clingy but freaks out when you do not call her daily, this is still been overly clingy. She also seems to be playing pointless games to test you. Can you live with this behavior for years, oddly many people like it as feel needed or whatever, but others don't, hell i love my space and doing activities by myself, doesn't mean i love my partner less(though im single atm).
    So yes its possible and do whatever the fuck you want but its sounds like you sick of it so consider if it worth it.

  7. #7
    Elemental Lord Haven's Avatar
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    Yeah, for some people, attachment can become so deep, it's like a drug. My girlfriend used to call me daily when we were apart, however I didn't need it that badly.
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  8. #8
    Its possible, When i was without my fiance i didn't miss him so much for the first couple of weeks but then after that it starts to gnaw on me :@
    I had to be without him for 3 months.. thats quite something, But having skype made it better.

  9. #9
    Pandaren Monk Deleo's Avatar
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    First time for any of you being in a serious relationship? Some times that may happen in your first relationship but not this late into the relationship. Honestly I don't know what to make of it. It might be a simple test to see whether you are still interested or there might be a grand plan behind it.
    Last edited by Deleo; 2012-12-24 at 08:43 AM.
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  10. #10
    Moderator Shamanic's Avatar
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    It sounds like she forms really strong attachments to people, and she knows this, because it's been a problem for her in the past. She wants to exercise self control and not be calling you all the time, but she needs the reassurance of you calling her so you already know from the start that this is a girl who forms strong attachments so it's fairly likely that she would miss you a lot when away from you physically.

    It's definitely possible to feel physically like you miss someone - for me, especially at the beginning of a relationship when all those hormones are super high, I can easily feel more of a physical "ache", when I miss someone, rather than feeling "sick", but it's different for everyone. Even now that I'm old and married if my husband goes to visit his family and I can't make the trip I would be much less likely to enjoy the things I do alone - and I know he's told me multiple times that even though he's off with his family and friends, it's just not as enjoyable without me there and he misses me a lot.
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  11. #11
    If she's telling you she doesn't want to be too clingy because it's why her last boyfriend broke up with her, tell her that you love her just the way she is, and that you'd love to hear from her as much as possible. Depending on how much you want her to call and text you, set that up. Reassure her that you don't feel like she's being clingy and that you love her attention, and she'll start doing it again.

    As for her being away, tell her that she can call you whenever she wants if she's feeling lonely. If you're working or otherwise busy and may not want to be interrupted, just tell her to leave you a message and then try to get back to her asap.

    Above all else, make sure you actually want the above before you do it.
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  12. #12
    The Insane Didactic's Avatar
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    Le phone sex. It sounds like a joke, but it does alleviate the lack of intimacy somewhat.
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  13. #13
    So let me get this straight...

    Her previous BF broke up with her because she's too clingy,

    So, while consciously making an effort to not be clingy.. she still freaks out if you don't call her each day and says when she's away for a couple of days she feels sick???

    Wow, found yourself a real stable one there.

  14. #14
    The Insane Didactic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rogueMatthias View Post
    So let me get this straight...

    Her previous BF broke up with her because she's too clingy,

    So, while consciously making an effort to not be clingy.. she still freaks out if you don't call her each day and says she feels sick when she's away for a couple of days she feels sick???

    Wow, found yourself a real stable one there.
    http://www.tickld.com/images/content/15488.jpg
    Last edited by Didactic; 2012-12-24 at 10:03 AM.
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  15. #15
    Dreadlord Kegler's Avatar
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    What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

    Maybe she's hooking up with guys in the MGM Grand.

    On a serious note... stop trying so hard maybe? You don't need to worry about calling her every day. She's obviously very clingy if she gets upset when you don't call everyday. I would not put up with that myself.

  16. #16
    Can't see the pic above :/

    Also being too attached to each other and "missing" the SO so much all the time once apart is not a healthy relationship. Perhaps she has no good friends besides you? I've seen this before where a couple would only focus on hanging out with themselves and noone else, sad lives followed them eventually. I hope this is not the case.

  17. #17
    When you (And her) get older (20+) you will thankfully not have that anymore.

    I mean seriously, people who can't function when their bf/gf isn't around (Like OPs girlfriend or Jordaen) seriously are either 14/15/16 or mentally unstable. It's just not normal.

  18. #18
    High Overlord braayden's Avatar
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    I'd say it's quite normal to miss your partner when you are apart. If you don't, I'm not sure that doesn't say more about your feelings than theirs. When you've been together for a long time, that person does become a friend, as well as the person you're with. However, I'd certainly be worried that she can't function without you; that's pretty heavy for a couple that sounds around your age (man I feel old typing that!!)

  19. #19
    Everyone's different. My wife and I are both very clingy, and when we are apart for extended periods of time we both find it unpleasant. If it's for something that's required or unavoidable there are no hard feelings, but it's something we want over as quickly as possible. Hell, I went away for 2 months for basic training and ever since we've both been far more cuddly and clingy... but that's something we both enjoy, so that's not a bad thing from our perspective.

    If she's freaking about whether or not you still like her because you're out of contact for a day or so, that speaks to some insecurities or past issues on her part. That's not necessarily anything to get too worked up over, just something to be aware of. Everyone has different issues and different quirks, so that's just something to figure out between you and her whether or not it's acceptable.

    But... short answer, yes, it can and does happen, and it's not necessarily good or bad, it just is.

  20. #20
    Field Marshal Antigone's Avatar
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    To function as a couple, you have to learn to be apart aswell .. It might not seem as a big problem now, but in the future it could become huge. I went through the same thing with my current girlfriend, she was very "clingy" (if you will), and if I went to do anything by myself, she would check up on me every two-three hours, and get worried/ or jealous if I didn't have time to answer. Cute at first, but it became a pretty big burden. Basically, I just told her that I need my space (sounds cliché, I know), and after a while, she accepted it. We have it great now (one of the turning points was me going to Scotland for a week, so hey, she might grow from the Vegas-trip).

    So to answer your question: You can feel empty or sad when your gf/bf isn't there, but to me, that is an issue that should be resolved (there's a difference between missing someone, which is cool, and being downright sad and apathetic because of it). A relationship can't be good in the long run if the people involved can't do things on their own. You can only put up with total dependency for so long

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