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  1. #1

    Question Should i break the connection?

    Hello mmo-c!

    I have a dilemma with a friend that i wish to get advice about but first i will give you some backstory.

    we've known eachother for basically our entire lives (17years), are in the same class and our families has a strong connection.(we always celebrate newyear at their house for example)

    His family is contact, no divorce, no hard feelings whatsoever on eachother.

    My family on the other hand is split up(we're patching it though) with divorce, relatives not welcome everywhere, brother has a bad past with drinking and encountering fights.

    Because of my family he somehow sees me with his ''virgin-eyes'' as violent and doesn't understand that i have problems and i'm trying my best to not be like the rest (i've almost avoided drinking entierly, no smokes, no snus, nada).

    Recently i broke my hand.

    Now to the story.

    I went with this friend and another to see ''hobbit'' today, it all went well, we met an old teacher and made some chit-chat. On the way home i said that i was thinking of joining the airforce because it would be fun to fly a jet and it would be a healthy thing to do since i would get trained and disciplined a lot. My friend told me that i had to have good focus and be smart. (i've driven gokarts at competition level, formula renault, i have perfect eyesight and i'm studying robotics) and proceeded with ''you'll just probably fly a jet and fire a missile at a building in stockholm since you're violent'' (I mean WHAT THE FUCK?!. We then stumbled upon the subject that the other friend's dad had had an accident earlier that year and had to get one of those steel-sticks or whatever in his leg by surgery and that it was misplaced and he needed another appointment to fix it. I then said ''yeah, that's not good. I did almost need surgery with my hand, lucky that i didn't have to''. This friend then said ''yeah, but we're talking about the leg here'' as if my hand wasn't important at all, who cares if i get crippled in my hand at age 17?! Who gives a fuck, right_?!?!

    I would've overlooked this if similar events hadn't occurred before, but it has happened many times before but i've overlooked it because i didn't think he meant any harm. It is as if i don't matter at all. Who cares if i get hurt?


    So, should i break our connection?

    Sorry about any mess in the text but i'm still mad about this and tired.

  2. #2
    The Patient Flagobha's Avatar
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    Tell him that you don't like beeing treated like air or like you don't matter. A friend should not behave like this person did. If he apologiezes and understands what your saying, and changes his behavior with you, problem is solved. If not, i guess you just grew away from eachother. You can know a person for a long time, but when people are young they have no personality, maybe that is the reason you had him as "friend" all along. At 17 years old you start to get a personality and have more opinions about things, and maybe you just don't fit together well with him anymore.

    Ask yourself this question: If you did not know him, never had seen him before, and he started in your class last week, would you like him and be his friend? If not, break connection.

  3. #3
    He is likely just teasing the crap out of you, Sweds are world renown for crappy sense of humor.
    Just let him know that he overstepped and is starting to get annoying, i doubt he would hang out with you and consider you his friend if he really thought you have a violence prone personality.

    But if it annoys the hell out of you, yeah, cut him lose.
    Too much people keep people who hurt them close, instead of tossing them away.
    If it doesnt fit you and your life, toss it away, people arent "toys" but you sure dont have to take crap from them either, theres 7 billion, your "friends" are just people who happened to share some circumstance with you, place of birth, age group, school, other activities, anyone else in the world could have been your friend were you born in a difference place, so find people you enjoy and respect you, and toss everyone else away, this includes family btw.

  4. #4
    The Patient Flagobha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kurioxan View Post
    He is likely just teasing the crap out of you, Sweds are world renown for crappy sense of humor.
    Yeah, but here in sweden you don't tease your friends and treat them like they don't matter. That is not a "Swedish" thing to do. That he behaves like this has nothing to do that he is swedish, it has to do with his personality and how he thinks. I rarely see friends teasing eachother in a bad way, beacuse those friendships does not last very long. The only reason this is happening is beacuse he knew him since he was little, and all small children are pretty much the same. It's when they become older you can say that you like them or not.

  5. #5
    Can't be that good of a friend if he doesn't know that you're not a typical "broken home" case whereby you want to punch people every 4th day & are destined to drink strong booze out a brown paper bag in the gutter!
    Koodledrum - Balnazzar EU - 85 Priest - Retired.

  6. #6
    If you're thinking about ditching a longtime friend because he said a couple of snarky things then you're not really very good friends anyway. Yes "break the connection" and definitely join the military so you learn what real camaraderie is.

  7. #7
    Bloodsail Admiral sugarlily's Avatar
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    *hugs *comfort ^^

    It's a bit late in the day/night for me so I will only write a shorty for now~

    IMO, any 'friend' that uses passive-aggressive behaviors to 'let you know' how they really feel are up for consideration to become less & less a part of my/your life.

    Joking & teasing etc is fine & even has it's place in building long lasting friendships, but the joking should also come with some pats on the back, some 'how ya doin' buddy' & some deeper understanding especially if he is aware that things have been rougher for you/your Family.

    He may just be 'innocent' enough to simply be listening to remarks his parents/other Family members say about you/your Family's trials & tribulations, but if he can't even see the difference between what are real issues & problems in your Family & what are purely sneering, contemptful judgements aimed at anyone who has a less perfect Family than him or being there for you his friend through it all, then I'd say back away, at least for now.

    Until he realizes that the World is full of imperfect Families & people, he will remain judgmental from up on his high pedestal looking down & chastising those who don't fit into the mold he was taught is right/proper.

    It isn't quite his fault, I give him a bit of slack for his age/upbringing but damn, for him to be aware of the troubles your Family has dealt with & to treat you as a problem child is just not only immature but not very friend-like.


    He is being a selfish dick atm, IMO, but just back away & keep your dignity. Don't go off on him & end up "proving him right", know what I mean? ~.^
    I wish you the best & send *hugs *comfort

    this is a sign-off I usually use in relationship threads, but it'll work here too~

    Always remember this~ it is the list I live by ~ it'll help you too! <3
    1.) Never date anyone you wouldn't have as a best friend.
    2.) Tolerated behavior doesn't change.
    3.) We teach people how to treat us.
    4.) We get what we settle for.

  8. #8
    I wouldn't break the connection or act differently but I wouldn't be close with the guy either. Expand and make some new friends but keep him too.

    I mean he's a worthless dick but its not worth it to start a conflict with this guy.

  9. #9
    Don't try to hang out with him but don't avoid him either, hang out with him if he wants to. Maybe hes stressed and has a bunch on his mind like his dad and its easier for him to release his anger on you.

  10. #10
    Sometimes the best way to handle a problem is let them know it is bothering you. That's the hardest thing. Finding the right words to not offend or make him upset can be difficult, but once it's out that you don't appreciate being told you're violent or that things that happen to you don't matter, you can... grow closer as friends and maybe he will tell you why he said what he did and maybe he will apologize for not appreciating you.
    MY X/Y POKEMON FRIEND CODE: 1418-7279-9541 In Game Name: Michael__

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by mittacc View Post
    Hello mmo-c!

    I have a dilemma with a friend that i wish to get advice about but first i will give you some backstory.

    we've known eachother for basically our entire lives (17years), are in the same class and our families has a strong connection.(we always celebrate newyear at their house for example)

    His family is contact, no divorce, no hard feelings whatsoever on eachother.

    My family on the other hand is split up(we're patching it though) with divorce, relatives not welcome everywhere, brother has a bad past with drinking and encountering fights.

    Because of my family he somehow sees me with his ''virgin-eyes'' as violent and doesn't understand that i have problems and i'm trying my best to not be like the rest (i've almost avoided drinking entierly, no smokes, no snus, nada).

    Recently i broke my hand.

    Now to the story.

    I went with this friend and another to see ''hobbit'' today, it all went well, we met an old teacher and made some chit-chat. On the way home i said that i was thinking of joining the airforce because it would be fun to fly a jet and it would be a healthy thing to do since i would get trained and disciplined a lot. My friend told me that i had to have good focus and be smart. (i've driven gokarts at competition level, formula renault, i have perfect eyesight and i'm studying robotics) and proceeded with ''you'll just probably fly a jet and fire a missile at a building in stockholm since you're violent'' (I mean WHAT THE FUCK?!. We then stumbled upon the subject that the other friend's dad had had an accident earlier that year and had to get one of those steel-sticks or whatever in his leg by surgery and that it was misplaced and he needed another appointment to fix it. I then said ''yeah, that's not good. I did almost need surgery with my hand, lucky that i didn't have to''. This friend then said ''yeah, but we're talking about the leg here'' as if my hand wasn't important at all, who cares if i get crippled in my hand at age 17?! Who gives a fuck, right_?!?!

    I would've overlooked this if similar events hadn't occurred before, but it has happened many times before but i've overlooked it because i didn't think he meant any harm. It is as if i don't matter at all. Who cares if i get hurt?


    So, should i break our connection?

    Sorry about any mess in the text but i'm still mad about this and tired.
    Ehm...
    1: He says you're violent. You dispute that (in bold capital letters). That makes me side with him on that one. You probably are violent. Oh; I'm not saying abnormally, or anything the like.
    2: Your friend was right. The story was about his father, and not about you. From your post, I understand that you do have a tendency to make matters about you, personally. His response (the way you wrote it) doesn't sound very accusing, condescending or nasty in any way, and your response to that (to this board of anonymous sympathizers) grants us evidence that you díd in fact make it about you, as you completely disregard his feelings, as well as the surgery of his father, in favour of your own near-surgery during a much earlier event.

    So... If I were you, I'd take a step back and take a look at myself. Maybe, just maybe, your 'friend' isn't the one in the wrong here.
    And maybe, your friend is the one trying to cut ties to you, rather than the other way around.
    I know you don't want to hear (or rather: read) this, but you should really analyze your behaviour.

    Good luck.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Stir View Post
    Ehm...
    1: He says you're violent. You dispute that (in bold capital letters). That makes me side with him on that one. You probably are violent. Oh; I'm not saying abnormally, or anything the like.
    2: Your friend was right. The story was about his father, and not about you. From your post, I understand that you do have a tendency to make matters about you, personally. His response (the way you wrote it) doesn't sound very accusing, condescending or nasty in any way, and your response to that (to this board of anonymous sympathizers) grants us evidence that you díd in fact make it about you, as you completely disregard his feelings, as well as the surgery of his father, in favour of your own near-surgery during a much earlier event.

    So... If I were you, I'd take a step back and take a look at myself. Maybe, just maybe, your 'friend' isn't the one in the wrong here.
    And maybe, your friend is the one trying to cut ties to you, rather than the other way around.
    I know you don't want to hear (or rather: read) this, but you should really analyze your behaviour.

    Good luck.
    Yeah kinda support this guy here, I have a friend who had family "issues" when he was younger.

    He also seems to try to 1 up EVERY story or feat that gets told, even when its absolute bull**** (So much so me and his longstanding bestmate have a secret bull**** glance we share). And because of his ability with the latter gets on with strangers very well, because they don't know there talking bull...

    I tend to just smile and listen and get drunk as hell so it doesnt bother me as much but if I was more of a d*** I'd do what the OP's friend was doing, admittedly I have done it once or twice though. This friend also used to have "violence" problems as in punching walls when angry and stuff.

    I don't know much about your scenario at all so I can only relate it to mine with your friend

    Just my 2 cents with people I know ^
    Quote Originally Posted by Burnt View Post
    You can trust me. I just flop around like a fish until I decide what I want to believe, then I tell people they are wrong for thinking some other way. It works for me.
    Words of wisdom if I have ever heard any.

  13. #13
    lol wut.. this "friend" sounds so condescending, tell him to mind his own business it's not his job to worry about your life.


    Nobody will ever judge me or my family and stay a friend... my brother sold drugs, did drugs and I can share that with my best friend and his family and I get ZERO judgement.


    honestly dude this guy sounds like an ass and is lucky he even has a friend.

  14. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Unclekreepy View Post
    lol wut.. this "friend" sounds so condescending, tell him to mind his own business it's not his job to worry about your life.
    Nobody will ever judge me or my family and stay a friend... my brother sold drugs, did drugs and I can share that with my best friend and his family and I get ZERO judgement.
    honestly dude this guy sounds like an ass and is lucky he even has a friend.
    You must have misread... Nowhere in the OP does it say the friend judges his family.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Stir View Post
    You dispute that (in bold capital letters).
    The story was about his father
    We then stumbled upon the subject that the other friend's dad
    Other friend - so as far as I understood it it wasn't the dad of the friend he wants to break contact with.
    You think he is lying because he is using caps ? Well not bad. Anyways the advice of checking your own behavior can never be wrong but even people who have been friends for a very long time can grow apart. Had something at least remotely similar happening where it ended with me running after a friend for nearly a whole year till I really grasped what was going on and that I was the only person trying to hold on to the friendship.
    Last edited by cFortyfive; 2012-12-26 at 06:15 AM.

  16. #16
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    Ehh... I honestly wouldn't break connection over something as trivial as that, but that's just me. From what information you have given us, it makes sense for your friend to put attention on something you were actually talking about (in this case, his friend's father and his leg) as opposed to directing attention entirely to yourself and throwing it off topic. We don't know the full story, but maybe he is getting tired of you talking about yourself in most situations, which it seems like you are, given the back story.

  17. #17
    Legendary! muto's Avatar
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    This kid sounds like a real jerk and you should break off all ties with him.

    I would rather be around more positive people myself.

  18. #18
    High Overlord Meralus II's Avatar
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    I had a friend like this when I was 17 and he treated me exactly how you described and looked at me as being "violent" so one day I got sick of his crap and showed him just how "violent" I can be. Hit the f*cker so hard he never said a wrong word to me again. Not saying this is the answer though.

    I will say this, true friends don't act that way and will always take your situations and such into consideration. When I went though times with my family my true friends understood how I was feeling and that I was angry/different.

  19. #19
    Immortal Soisoisoi's Avatar
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    Friends - Treat each other with respect and be nice.
    Best friends - Treat each other like shit and laugh. (Hey Thass, you're a dick, much love)

    Clearly, you're best friends and you just don't know this yet!

  20. #20
    High Overlord Meralus II's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Treelife View Post
    Friends - Treat each other with respect.
    Best friends - Treat each other like shit and laugh. (Hey Thass, you're a dick, much love)

    Clearly, you're best friends and you just don't know this yet!
    There's a difference between hassling people and brushing off everything they say, not taking their circumstances into account and such things. BIG BIG difference.

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