1. #1
    The Patient
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    Lightbulb [W.I.P] John, the Nightwalker Critique my Bio!

    So this is my first ever rp character... its not done yet but I want to know what you guys think of it so far. Thanks for any and all


    Name: John (Saunders), Nightwalker
    Age: 20
    Gender: Male
    Race: Human
    Class: Ranger
    Faction: Alliance
    Languages: Common, Elfish (Quel’dorei)

    Personality: John may appear to be well-mannered, soft, and kind gentle hearted being on the outside; but within lays a ruthless cold hearted assassin who will do anything and everything in his power to destroy those who pose a threat to things he loves the most.

    Likes: John enjoys the simple things in life. Being raised by the Night Elves at a young age; he was thought to become one with nature and to respect the natural world. John enjoys to fishing, hiking, training horses, and spending time with animals and being in the outdoors.

    Dislikes: Orcs and Goblins. The constant assaults on Ashenvale hosted by the Orcs and the deforestation being done by the Goblins and funded by the Warchief himself; John has a bitter distaste for the Horde and will stop at nothing to destroy anyone that attempts to cause harm to the natural world or the Alliance.

    Appearance: John stands at a towering 6’2”, long flowing hazelnut hair just gently touching his shoulders in length, eyes as dark as the night itself and a beard so thick and bushy that it would keep his identity anonymous to anyone that does not already know the Ranger.
    John’s normal attire usually consists of a light brown Deer pelt sewed together himself and a matching pair of pantaloons that have been cut in length to just cusp the bottom of his knees. But when John is going to hunt or go to battle he wears armour entirely made up of the finest Nightsaber pelts in all of Ashenvale making him damned near impossible to see with the naked eye unless he wants to be.
    Strengths: Due to the nature of his upbringing with the Night Elves John has learned how to hide in the shadows of the trees and adapt to his surroundings. Strong like an Ox and nimble as a Fox, John is a very tough opponent to overcome when he is focused.
    Weaknesses: While John was raised primarily by the Night Elves he is still a Human at heart. His emotions can and will get the better of him during battle; especially when it comes to battling Goblins and Orcs.


    History: It was year 8, John’s mother Annabelle laid in her bed sweating profusely and moaning in agony screaming to her husband Dave “It’s time, the baby is coming!”. Dave came crashing through the door telling Annabelle that the siege of Stormwind had started and that they needed to leave immediately. Annabelle fearing for the life of her unborn child struggled to even sit up on her bedside. “Dave I can’t leave, I am too weak. The baby is straining on my body; I cannot leave until this baby is born.” Dave replied to Annabelle while frantically running around the house grabbing everything he could fit into his satchels “Anna if we don’t leave now we will all die; we will worry about the baby when we are safe.” Annabelle sat thinking for a moment what they should do when all of the sudden she heard the sound of thunder and the house started to rumble and shake. Pictures falling off of the walls, the candle that lay beside her bed fell off her table and came crashing to the floor; soon after she heard distant screams of women, men, and children screaming in terror “The Orcs are here! Run for your Lives!” At that moment she then knew that it was time to leave and make their escape; but to where will they be escaping too?

    Moments later Annabelle had gotten herself up and gathered up enough strength to make it to the door where Dave was eagerly watching out the window to check for any invaders and to make sure it was safe. Annabelle said to Dave “Where exactly are we going to go? Elwynn is surely over run with Orcs and the Deeprun Tram is too far away; I don’t think I have the strength to make it that far.” Dave turned to Annabelle and said “We’re going sneak out the back door… through the harbour my dear.” Annabelle stood there bent over clasping at her bulging stomach and said “I don’t care how or where we go as long as it is safe.” Dave realized how urgent the situation was; he dropped his satchels, grabbed Annabelle’s hand and made a run for it towards the harbour in hope that not all of the ships had been taken or already left. Luckily enough the Orcish invaders had not made it to the harbour yet and Dave and Annabelle made it there without any confrontation, but to their dismay all of the ships had been already left… except one. It was unlike anything they had ever seen before. It was not a ship crafted by humans, it was made of a darker wood in colour and sailed purple and white sails hung by a towering yet frail looking mast in the middle of the ship. Annabelle stopped to take a breath while Dave was frantically jumping up and down trying to get the attention of anyone aboard the ship; but to their dismay there didn’t appear to be anyone aboard the ship. Moments after they stopped they heard a deep growling voice scream “Check the Harbour, let none escape!” Annabelle stood with a look of absolute horror in her face “Dave… we have to go now.” Dave looked at Annabelle with the same look of horror in his eyes. “I will hold them off for as long as I can Anna, you have to get to the ship now.”

  2. #2
    Mechagnome Darced's Avatar
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    It's a good story, but there is a big plot hole. The Alliance had no knowledge of Night elves until the Third War, the sacking of Stormwind was during the First War. Also, he'd have to be older than 20 if he were alive during the siege of Stormwind. You should do some more research before you finish publishing this piece. It's a good start though, don't give up.

    http://www.wowpedia.org/First_war
    Last edited by Darced; 2013-01-08 at 08:46 PM.

  3. #3
    The Patient
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    Damn it... I knew I rushed it too much. >.>

    Yea well my character isn't actually alive in this part of the story (hint: he's in Annabelle's belly! lol), but this was supposed to be kind of a prequel as to what happened to his parents and how he ended up with the Night elves.. I think it might be a little to long but its still a work in progress! :]

    Definitely having fun writing this up though! Forgot how much fun it was to write!

  4. #4
    Role-player Khorianas's Avatar
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    A little nitpick, there is no Quel'dorei language. The Quel'dorei, or the High Elves, are the ones that stayed with the alliance during the Scourge War. The Language they speak is Thalassian. (Named after Quel'Thalas ofc.) If the Language he knows should be the one Night Elves Speak it would be Darnassian. (While there are strong similarities in these elven dialects, comparisons are considered offensive by both native speakers) Darced already mentioned the Timeline issues, and i think we already discussed the timeline, but for references sake, the most complete timeline compiled out of official material (yet the assembly itself is inofficial we go by it anyways due to its accuracy) unoffical Timeline on WowPedia

    Also a little comment on the story: I think a woman in strong labor pains shortly before giving birth will most likely not be moving on her own.

    That said the story seems promising.
    Last edited by Khorianas; 2013-01-09 at 12:14 PM.

  5. #5
    The Patient
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    Quote Originally Posted by Khorianas View Post
    A little nitpick, there is no Quel'dorei language. The Quel'dorei, or the High Elves, are the ones that stayed with the alliance during the Scourge War. The Language they speak is Thalassian. (Named after Quel'Thalas ofc.) If the Language he knows should be the one Night Elves Speak it would be Darnassian. (While there are strong similarities in these elven dialects, comparisons are considered offensive by both native speakers) Darced already mentioned the Timeline issues, and i think we already discussed the timeline, but for references sake, the most complete timeline compiled out of official material (yet the assembly itself is inofficial we go by it anyways due to its accuracy) unoffical Timeline on WowPedia

    Also a little comment on the story: I think a woman in strong labor pains shortly before giving birth will most likely not be moving on her own.

    That said the story seems promising.

    Thanks for the advice Khor! I already spoke to Darced about what I can do to salvage this character bio and I think I may just put this one to the sidelines for now and work on something else once I learn a little bit more about the lore, timeline, etc.


    Again,


    Thanks for the advice/comments!

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Notamonk View Post
    Thanks for the advice Khor! I already spoke to Darced about what I can do to salvage this character bio and I think I may just put this one to the sidelines for now and work on something else once I learn a little bit more about the lore, timeline, etc.


    Again,


    Thanks for the advice/comments!
    I would not recommend doing that.

    A lot of the time, when we see people do this, and I don't want to say that you necessarily will, it's just a pretty noticeable pattern, whenever they don't get everything right in a bio, they "shelf" it and make a new bio, but ultimately they make the same mistakes as they did in the previous bio. I'd really recommend sticking with this one and getting the kinks out until it's smooth. Nobody's first bio is ever great. Hell if I still could access it, I'm sure mine (they aren't on these forums) would make me cringe if I read it today. That's why it's such an important learning experience.
    Last edited by The Mister Madgod; 2013-01-10 at 05:06 PM.
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  7. #7
    Role-player Khorianas's Avatar
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    I totally have to agree with Maddy here. Just read Blackmage/End'gaos comments on Khorianas' Bio (you can really see me being a noobie there.) and you can see that no one starts without flaws. Stick with it, since it is your first character ever. Get attached to him/her. No one will ever feel the same even if they are more fleshed out/ have a better start. The idea/feelings you have are the right ones. I would bet you want to play THAT character. Get the story consistent and start off. No character will ever be as fun as your first.

  8. #8
    We'll help you complete the first one. Thats usually how it goes. A lot of people have creativity to create four or five characters at once. Then they do so, but never quite finish any of them. As they're faced with the fact that they have 5 characters that need work, they get demotivated and just leave it all behind altogether. Mhh.

    If you need help, ask. We're here to do so!

  9. #9
    The Patient
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    but.. but... so many ideas... must... write them all down.. heads about to.. explode! *steam shooting out of ears*!!! lol

    On a more serious note; I'd have to agree with you guys in that I should probably finish this one before I start anything else. I always get side tracked with new ideas, etc. You can see it when I play wow too. I'm an alt-aholic... lol

  10. #10
    Mechagnome Darced's Avatar
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    I had 13 85s, no worries bro.

  11. #11
    Alot of inconsistencies and timelines, reread what you wrote, there are some contradictions as well. I wont point them out, they are probably meaningless, you will find them if you reread it.

    Awsome story though if I didnt know wow I would be getting the popcorn wanting more!. keep at it, you seem to have a way with writing, impressive!

  12. #12
    The Patient
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    Quote Originally Posted by moremana View Post
    Alot of inconsistencies and timelines, reread what you wrote, there are some contradictions as well. I wont point them out, they are probably meaningless, you will find them if you reread it.

    Awsome story though if I didnt know wow I would be getting the popcorn wanting more!. keep at it, you seem to have a way with writing, impressive!
    Yea I reread it once earlier today and noticed a couple of little things I need to change, but for curiosities sake.. what did you find that was inconsistat? I know the timeline with the night elves and humans is off, but other then that what did you find that was off or wrong?


    Thanks!!!

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Notamonk View Post
    Yea I reread it once earlier today and noticed a couple of little things I need to change, but for curiosities sake.. what did you find that was inconsistat? I know the timeline with the night elves and humans is off, but other then that what did you find that was off or wrong?


    Thanks!!!
    It's mainly the fact that the kaldorei didn't know what humans were until the third war (year 20). Any human who is an adult in present time would never be raised by a night elf. Let alone the fact that a kaldorei who found a human child would find out where its family, or at least, its people were and drop them off.
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