Page 1 of 10
1
2
3
... LastLast
  1. #1
    Over 9000! Snowraven's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    European Union
    Posts
    9,310

    What's socially acceptable in the situation?

    Ok, thanks all for replies, but the meeting was today. The dude was ok, you could see he's from another time so to say but that's nothing to be concerned(well, except for him leaving 3 months to a remote island to sit with his ex and daughter, but I couldn't ask about that). He looks exactly like her ex boyfriend, I mean face-wise. He could pass to be his brother.




    Ok, so I have a good friend, my best friend. And I started to like her, and told her so. Now she replied with "and what should I say now?" to which I said "nothing, was just being sincere". This happened almost 1 month ago.

    But that is for context.

    A few days from now it will be my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with my best friend, her. Yes, I also like her and yes, she knows, as I stated.
    However, she managed to find a boyfriend in the meantime (it's complicated, I could say I don't like him, but this time I am probably subjective since I started liking her, he's probably a nice guy just that he's 19 years older then her... and has a child with another lady whom he visits and sits with that lady 3 months per year). I don't know him, I've never seen or talked with him, he's never seen or talked to me. Only know him from stories and I presume he knows me the same if she told him stories of me.

    So, ignoring this, I invited her to a sort of get-together for my birthday. I only wanted to invite her. So today we talked on phone and she asked if she can bring her new boyfriend. And I said no. And she said something like "so what am I going to do, leave him home?" and I said yes (lol). In the end after a bit more chat she convinced me to think more about it. Afterwards she sent me a message sort of like "you're so strange sometimes".

    So I stood and thought. It's my birthday. I don't know this dude even from talking or saying hello once. I wanted to get along with my best friend whom I also like and she knows it... yet she wants to bring her new boyfriend. Whom i didn't invite.
    On one hand, I don't want to invite him because of those reasons. On the other hand however, I still need to give her her christmas gift (she was gone to country so couldn't give it to her earlier) and I know that would make the dude think about the relationship.

    What am I missing?

    Edit:
    I'm turning 23, she's 24 almost 25, he's 43.

    Though my train of thought is similar to that of people saying I should stick with my original decision of saying no to him, the other people brought a good point, which is that I don't know him, but I'm best friends with her, so it would be nice to meet him and see if he is nice or not. Overall I didn't think this idea would create the same arguments between people as the ones I have in my head.

    Still, it would be mature of me to invite him. If he's a dick to me here at the get-together then... well, hope that happens. If not, then it's good.

    I was thinking of inviting only good friends, however... my other 2 good friends are busy, one is at the country visiting family and one has some work stuff. So yes, this was going to be me and her. But it wasn't so I could make a move or something. Though I admit I passed the state of liking her fully from her response in december to a state of "I don't know if I like her as a woman or a sister I never had", maybe it wouldn't have been good to be only me and her for she doesn't know that yet.

    And yes, maybe I should be more direct and honest about that to her too... though she needs to be the same towards me, which she was not really in this situation, as yes, I did think she invited his boyfriend more as a shield. So we were both in the wrong here.

    Overall, thanks for help all. I decided to tell her it's her choice if she wants to come with him, I don't mind either way.

  2. #2
    The Lightbringer Whitey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    3,269
    This is why feelings complicate friendships :/
    Wish I had a solid answer for you but I'm afraid I don't, good luck in your situation though.
    WBMA - Leave our beards alone

    Battletag - Whitey#2918 - feel free to add me, I'm a social animal


  3. #3
    The Insane Reeve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Houston, TX USA
    Posts
    18,841
    When a friend of yours is in a relationship with another person, he becomes a part of her. She chose him, and by rejecting him, you're disparaging her choices. If you invite her, but not her boyfriend, you're rejecting a part of her. It's insulting, insensitive, and just a plain bad way for a friend to act. If you don't want her boyfriend to come, fine, but then you shouldn't invite her either, because she's with him. They're a package deal.
    Last edited by Reeve; 2013-01-18 at 02:43 PM.
    Well 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me
    Because you look so fine
    And I really wanna make you mine

  4. #4
    Can she really not be without him for a day?

    Also, it might be that she's trying to seek your approval for this guy. It could be hurtful if you can't give her that. Who knows, you might like him. I'd say the best thing to do is man up and say "yes". It may not be easy, but it's probably for the better.

  5. #5
    Bloodsail Admiral
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    1,186
    Quote Originally Posted by Reeve View Post
    When a friend of yours is in a relationship with another person, he becomes a part of her. She chose him, and by rejecting him, you're disparaging her choices. If you invite her, but not her boyfriend, you're rejecting a part of her. It's insulting, insensitive, and just a plain bad way for a friend to act. If you don't want her boyfriend to come, fine, but then you shouldn't invite her either, because she's with him. They're a package deal.


    Not really, you are friends with her, not him, so its ok to not invite him. But you cant bitch if she turns it down because of it.

    If you put her in a position to choose, be prepared to be the one to lose out.
    OP - you need to get over it, really.
    No game will ever kill wow. Though Blizard themselves are making a pretty damm good attempt lately.

    THE FIRST RULE OF BRAWLERS GUILD IS YOU DO NOT GET INVITED TO BRAWLERS GUILD.

  6. #6
    Moderator Endus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Waterloo, ON
    Posts
    22,989
    1> She knows you "like" like her, because you've told her so.
    2> You asked her to a get together. This is basically asking her on a date.
    3> She asked if she could bring her boyfriend. This is her saying "Dude, I'm dating someone else, I am not dating you."
    4> She's willing to be your friend, but you're insisting she become your girlfriend. She's resisting.

    In short, you can either suck it up and give up on her ever going out with you, and keep her as a friend. Or you can keep on pushing, and she's going to stop hanging out with you altogether. She probably won't ever date you. The way you phrased things made it sound like she was single when you confessed your feelings to her, and then she got together with her new boyfriend. This is her attempt to put distance between the two of you. She doesn't want to hang out without her boyfriend there, because she doesn't want to give you any suggestion that she might want to date you.

    So move on.

  7. #7
    Legendary! muto's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Inside a Bubble
    Posts
    6,347
    Just keep being nice to her that way if it doesn't work out for her with this other guy then you will be the guy she goes to next, especially since you already told her you have feelings for her beyond friendship.

    On the contrary I don't understand why she has to be so negligent and not be able to understand that you want to spend your birthday with your best friend, her.

  8. #8
    Does it matter if someone else brings their boy/girlfriend to that party? If it doesn't, then you doing wrong towards your crush. It's either no spouses party or bring a date party in my opinion.

  9. #9
    Pandaren Monk
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    South Africa
    Posts
    1,993
    When you are dating someone it is normal to attend social gatherings together.

    Unless there is a specific reason you can't accommodate her partner (for example limited seating at a restaurant), it is polite to invite him along.

    The fact that you have expressed romantic interest in her and are now trying to manipulate her into spending time away from boyfriend and with you instead also sounds pretty creepy to me. Which means it will more than likely seem creepy to him, which will most likely backfire horribly on you.

    I get that you don't want him at the party. But your chosen course of action is unlikely to help your cause out. Either you are going to have her not attend your party at all, or she will do so under duress. If you are serious about being friends with her, you need to accept the possibility that she will have boyfriends or even get married some day, and that your friendship will have to accommodate her chosen partner. Or you will lose the friendship.

    I suggest you tell her you have thought about it and it's really fine if he comes along.

  10. #10
    I am Murloc! Tiili's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Sweden
    Posts
    5,404
    Quote Originally Posted by muto View Post
    Just keep being nice to her that way if it doesn't work out for her with this other guy then you will be the guy she goes to next, especially since you already told her you have feelings for her beyond friendship.
    That's not how it works.

  11. #11
    The Insane Reeve's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Houston, TX USA
    Posts
    18,841
    Quote Originally Posted by muto View Post
    Just keep being nice to her that way if it doesn't work out for her with this other guy then you will be the guy she goes to next, especially since you already told her you have feelings for her beyond friendship.
    This is an exercise in futility and a horrible thing to try to do to someone. And xkcd to demonstrate: http://xkcd.com/513/
    Well 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me
    Because you look so fine
    And I really wanna make you mine

  12. #12
    Warchief Knight Gil's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Somewhere
    Posts
    2,229
    I don't exactly think you're an insensitive or manipulative asshole for not wanting to bring him to your birthday party. I mean, imagine if every single person you invited had a relationship partner that you did not know, and all of them wanted to bring that person in. Now, I think THAT would be inconsiderate of your invitees. If it's YOUR birthday party, people are supposed to be there for you, after all. If the only reason someone feels like going in is by bringing their girl/boyfriend, I don't think those are very good friends. So, these two quotes are probably the best advice in the thread:

    Can she really not be without him for a day?
    Not really, you are friends with her, not him, so its ok to not invite him. But you cant bitch if she turns it down because of it.

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Reeve View Post
    When a friend of yours is in a relationship with another person, he becomes a part of her. She chose him, and by rejecting him, you're disparaging her choices. If you invite her, but not her boyfriend, you're rejecting a part of her. It's insulting, insensitive, and just a plain bad way for a friend to act. If you don't want her boyfriend to come, fine, but then you shouldn't invite her either, because she's with him. They're a package deal.
    Was going to say something along this lines but its already said.

    It comes down to respecting her, i mean what is the problem if he comes? maybe you get to know him and might help you accept it.
    It is complicated but it is how it is, either none or both if she wants to also bring him.

    But think about him as well, he is going to a kids birthday (19 years older than her, assume also than you?) whom he doesnt know, will likely be surrounded by kids, im not sure if he is that keen on the idea either, but seems he is more willing to do it for her than you are.

    Not to mention that she might want to use him as a shield from you... hopefully is not that, but who knows, maybe she doesnt like the idea of being alone with you when its your birthday and its a day most people feel entitled to have what they want and are likely drunk, so in a sense... its a smart move from her, if that did happen it would ruin your friendship
    Last edited by Kurioxan; 2013-01-18 at 04:02 PM.

  14. #14
    Moderator Endus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Waterloo, ON
    Posts
    22,989
    Quote Originally Posted by Knight Gil View Post
    I don't exactly think you're an insensitive or manipulative asshole for not wanting to bring him to your birthday party. I mean, imagine if every single person you invited had a relationship partner that you did not know, and all of them wanted to bring that person in. Now, I think THAT would be inconsiderate of your invitees. If it's YOUR birthday party, people are supposed to be there for you, after all. If the only reason someone feels like going in is by bringing their girl/boyfriend, I don't think those are very good friends. So, these two quotes are probably the best advice in the thread:
    If you've confessed having feelings for someone, asking them out socially without their significant other is asking them to date you. When she says "can I bring my boyfriend?", what she's actually saying is "I am totally NOT going to date you, but I would like to remain friends, so I would like to bring my boyfriend to state clearly to you and everyone else that we are in no way romantically linked."

    Not to mention, hey boyfriend finding out she went to a party with a guy who's romantically interested in her, without taking her boyfriend, is basically shouting "I AM ALREADY OR WILL SHORTLY CHEAT ON YOU WITH THIS DUDE". So there's no way he should be cool with the situation, either.

    What the OP's done has basically forced her into this reaction.

  15. #15
    To be perfectly honest....

    The unfortunate reality is that the sooner you learn to be friendly with and show no animosity toward even the worst retards your friend (or cousins, siblings, friends) hook up with and start dating... the better.

    To the specific point, I'd say you actually improve your odds by actually being grown up about it. Even if you meet the guy and he's slimy, it ain't too hard to smile... endure introductions, shake his hand firmly. If you don't you just look childish to her.
    The most successful tyranny is not the one that uses force to assure uniformity but the one that removes the awareness of other possibilities.

  16. #16
    Warchief Reqq's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    England
    Posts
    2,110
    Quote Originally Posted by Reeve View Post
    This is an exercise in futility and a horrible thing to try to do to someone. And xkcd to demonstrate: http://xkcd.com/513/
    Haha, that comic was bang on the money. You're 100% right on this issue though. Being the "nice guy" friend sabotaging your friend's relationships by being a constant antagonistic presence on the peripheral creating friction between her and the men she chooses to develop feelings for is a complete dick move and anyone that actually does that should feel ashamed of themselves.

  17. #17
    Basically whats already been stated. She just not into you. This is how shes trying to point it out. You either accept that or you move on from being friends with her because your feelings wont go away now.

  18. #18
    Over 9000! Snowraven's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    European Union
    Posts
    9,310
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurioxan View Post
    Was going to say something along this lines but its already said.

    It comes down to respecting her, i mean what is the problem if he comes? maybe you get to know him and might help you accept it.
    It is complicated but it is how it is, either none or both if she wants to also bring him.

    But think about him as well, he is going to a kids birthday (19 years older than her, assume also than you?) whom he doesnt know, will likely be surrounded by kids, im not sure if he is that keen on the idea either, but seems he is more willing to do it for her than you are.

    Not to mention that she might want to use him as a shield from you... hopefully is not that, but who knows, maybe she doesnt like the idea of being alone with you when its your birthday and its a day most people feel entitled to have what they want and are likely drunk, so in a sense... its a smart move from her, if that did happen it would ruin your friendship
    I'm turning 23, she's 24, turning 25 in a month, he's 19 years older. So none of us are really kids.

  19. #19
    Let it go. Isolate yourself from her to get over it.

    And her boyfriend is 19 years older? Dafuq???
    Quote Originally Posted by Raybourne View Post
    I think I would save michal jordan's life. That guy was just such a great singer
    Quote Originally Posted by Spectral View Post
    I don't pay for food for anyone I'm not sleeping with and you shouldn't either.

  20. #20
    Mechagnome
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Quebec, Canada
    Posts
    599
    What you are missing is that you're kidding yourself into thinking you have a chance at anything else with her...But you don't...You're friend zoned. She wants to bring the BF for 2 reasons. #1 she might not feel comfortable alone with you on a special occasion like your birthday...Because...you know...she doesn't "like you like that" and 2...She wants to show you she's serious about it.

    Her telling you that "you're so strange sometimes" is a subtle way to say get your shit together man, we're only friends...it shouldn't bother you if I bring my bf...it's me you want to see.

    That's what you,re missing !

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •